I received this beautiful gift in my inbox. Many thanks to my friend Vincenzia for sharing this bit of loveliness.
“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.” ~Hodding Carter, Jr.
Monthly Archives: April 2012
The mathematically correct way to say NO…
N + O = Time + Energy Boost.
We have all been there, someone asks for something and we are swamped BUT we say YES because of:
- Guilt
- Fear
- Powerlessness
- Cultural norms
Yes, this list can be endless. It does NOT matter why you say YES when you want to say NO, because the effects on you are the same.
You feel taken advantage of or angry and explode at those you love or you become more powerless and it feeds your “things will always be like this” way of thinking.
By the way, the anger and explosive thing, usually happens to someone who had nothing to do with the reason you are angry. The person who gets all of your fallout is usually someone who you feel safe with and who has accepted your explosions in the past. Please note that exploding on people is a form of abuse. (Read my post on Domestic Violence here).
Being unable to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial to saying a soft and positive NO.
Yes, I said a Positive NO.
One of my very favorite books is by William Ury “The Power of a Positive NO”. I recommend you order it NOW. It has changed my life and my relationships.
If you are unable to identify how YOU wish to spend your own time, there is a LONG LINE of folks who have GREAT ideas for what you SHOULD do with your time.
Spend a few moments NOW and make a list of people who constantly steal your time, even though you have tried to stop them it continues to happen.
1
2
3
4
5
6
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What do these people have in common? e.g. family, co workers, perceived power over you, people you adore and love…
- How do I feel when these people ask for MORE of my time? Do you feel angry, happy that you can “please them”, afraid when you hear their voice?
- How do I hold my posture when I am interacting with these people? Am I standing tall? Do I haunch my shoulders? Does my stomach or my head hurt?
Understanding WHAT you do when you are approached by a TIME THIEF is crucial to understanding how to set and maintain a boundary. See other posts on the Art of saying No.
Have Fun saying NO!
Love and light,
Indrani
’nuff said!
’nuff said!
Upping our JOY Q…Our joy quotient is woefully low!
I once took a philosophy class in college and the teacher asked us to
define happiness.
I remember saying that it was an illusion and that people who said they were happy were liars. I also said that if people can find a little happiness, it would be fleeting and can never last.
Fast forward 30 years and I have completely and irrevocably changed my mind. As a matter of fact, it feels more like I have healed my mind and in the process healed my spirit.
Over the past few years I have been steeping myself in the study of and the living of Joy. Last year, I even went as far as to do a virtual joy event called Unpasteurized Joy. It was a series of conversations with many different folk from the very famous, like Dr Patch Adams, to the absolutely non-famous, like yours truly. I asked every person to speak of joy and how their work contributes to joy in our world.
Focusing so intently on joy over that past few years has allowed me to stay focused on the good in my life, even as challenges continue to flow in and through, and I am able to keep negativity at bay.
Recently, I heard from a colleague of mine who had surgery and she told me that while she was in recovery she listened to all 26 joy recordings. She said that it really helped her. Thanks Catherine, for sharing this lovely bit of information. It warmed my heart.
My challenge to you is to keep upping your JOY Q by finding the joy all around and by speaking joy as often as you can.
What are some ways that you can increase your JOY Q?
1. Stay focused on the positive aspects of your own wonderful self.
Sign up at www.indranislight.org for a tool called Five minutes to
Happiness for a way to get to your finest values.
2. Take time each day for using your eyes to see the beauty in all those who you
meet. Look for something that you can admire in each person.
3. Find the courage to forgive someone. One of my dear friends found
her courage this weekend to forgive someone who really hurt her a few
years ago. The very next day, the woman she forgave gave her some
wonderful compliments on face book.
4. Write a letter to yourself and forgive yourself for any grievance
that you feel you have committed.
5. Spend a few moments in nature everyday to notice how much intricate beauty
surrounds us.
Up your JOY Q.
We must if we want to save our world.
Love and light,
Indrani
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE…why you should care.
Why should you care? Why should anyone care about Domestic Violence?
Domestic Violence is insipid. If you have never heard this term, the definition of domestic violence is the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another; also : a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior .
Domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes. Only approximately one-quarter of all physical assaults, one-fifth of all rapes, and one-half of all stalkings perpetuated against females by intimate partners are reported to the police.…from www.ncadv.org/files/
DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf
Why would such crimes be under-reported?
Have you ever been a victim of hateful and nasty behavior?
This could be happening in high school. Perhaps a boyfriend tells you to be a certain way and if you do not, he berates you and calls you names that made you feel worthless.
He tells you that no other man could love you. He calls you a slut or other unsavory names. He makes fun of you in front of his friends.
Did you tell anyone?
Did you report him to the school authorities?
Did you call the Teen Abuse hot line 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)?
You probably did nothing.
You may not even have recognized that you were being abused. You may even have convinced yourself that it was your fault.
You may have seen your own Mother abused at home and so you feel that “true love” must look like that.
Your own Mother may be making excuses for the man in her life, and you see that her abuse is much more horrific.
So you say nothing.
After all, you do not have it “that” bad.
Abuse is insipid and it is confusing. How can a person with whom you are having intimate relations treat you so horribly? How can the person you swear you love be so mean and hateful to you?
You try so hard to please him and nothing ever works.
You feel like you are always walking on egg shells.
His rage erupts for the smallest infraction, and you are afraid to take any action unless the action is sanctioned by the abuser.
These are but a few of the reasons why Domestic Violence is under-reported.
Women are confused and brain washed into thinking that all of it is their fault.
One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.1 An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.2 85% of domestic violence victims are women. Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew. Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.… from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html
These facts were taken from a PDF found when I googled Domestic Violence.
I am not making this up. Below are actual numbers taken from the same article that I found on Google.
The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.
Victims of intimate partner violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them by current or former husbands, boyfriends and dates. This loss is the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of violence.
There are 16,800 homicides and $2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.…from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html
If you are not being abused, there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE that you know someone who is being abused.
Please keep your eyes and ears open. Please encourage those suffering to seek counsel and support. There are MANY support centers around the country and world. If you are the one suffering, please reach out here and I will direct you to some help in your area.
You can send an e mail to
info@indranislight.org with the subject line… A HEADS UP.
You can use a computer at the library or at a friend’s home.
This is NOT your fault. You have done NOTHING wrong.
You deserve to be loved and respected.
Please reach out either for your own self or for someone else.
My personal mantra is ONE ABUSED WOMAN IS ONE TOO MANY! Please help me in this endeavor to eradicate DV from the face of the earth. WE can do it if we band together.
Love and Light
Indrani
I forgive myself….
I forgive myself for holding a grudge against you.
I forgive myself for allowing the past hurt to etch new wounds on old scars.
I have been holding on to a deep grudge for over 20 years. Yes, 20 years and I am quite ashamed to admit it. Even as I express to myself and all who would listen that I have changed, this grudge I will not let go of.
Let’s get it out there. Shall we?
20 plus years ago I was at a funeral and I approached someone with whom I had been feuding. We actually had been feuding together, and doing a great job. A jab here, a sarcastic comment there, a nasty look when we thought no one was paying attention, and so on. We were great adversaries.
At the funeral, I wanted to call it quits and I approached this person and said something to the effect of life being short and we never know when…blah, blah, blah.
I asked if we could drop the past and start over.
They said NO.
They said that I would have to prove myself and my intentions TO THEIR SATISFACTION.
Oh Really?
GAME ON!!!
From that day on, they were my sworn enemy. Every time I got a chance, I was distant and cold and unfriendly and I enjoyed the game. BTW, my opponent was quite formidable.
We would pretend to hug and kiss each other in front of others, but if we saw each other at the store, we would look straight thru each other.
People from far and wide could see the great divide. Neither of us cared!
Fast forward 20 plus years, and I am TIRED OF THE GAME!
If I die tomorrow, I do NOT want to take this well played game to my grave.
I do not want the rules of this game etched onto my heart any more.
What once gave me great joy and guilty pleasure now makes me sad and makes me feel less than human.
YOU WIN… I GIVE UP.
YOU MAY PLAY ALONE.
I AM DONE.
I HAVE NO MORE ENERGY TO INVEST IN HATING/DISLIKING OR MALIGNING YOU.
There, I’ve said it.
It feels good not to have to dig for the hurtful memories and to relay to people the how and whys I am still at war.
I am putting down my weapons.
I will still keep on my armor, especially over my heart, but I will no longer throw offensive or defensive moves.
I will move out of the way of jabs and insults.
I may even say something like, “I am tired of this exhausting game so you win”
Now how do I move forward?
I must find the courage to forget all the history. I must find the courage to see God in that person.
I must focus on that person’s good qualities, the ones I admire.
As I focus on their strengths, I will heal myself of all the rancor of the past and hopefully expel the pent up toxicity and enable my heart to be free of past pain.
If I am truthful, they have not been on my radar for quite a while, and it’s only when I am going to be in their presence that my claws want to come out.
So, I will keep my claws nicely manicured and polished and use them as a decorative feature not a hidden weapon.
I forgive me.
Such a small sentence.
Such a powerful sentiment.
Congrats to me, I am a courageous being.
You all know the lesson here.
Will you step into the courageous act of forgiving yourself for something/s you have done?
Good luck, it may take a while, but it’s worth the journey.
Love and light
Indrani
Pure love can take a licking….
Pure love can take a licking but keeps on ticking.
But only PURE LOVE of one’s OWN SELF.
In other words PURE LOVE is the only true protection. Pure love will and can save us from the hurtful words of others.
If I find myself in a situation where people are berating me and want nothing more than for me to feel bad, remembering that I love myself is the ONLY protection I need. How does this work? I have the ability to hear truth VS lies.
A few years ago, I was accused by a very close family member of being,
and I quote, “a lousy family member, someone who cannot put family
first”.
I heard the words and I quietly said,
“I do not know who you are talking about, because that is not me”.
I then walked away because I was NOT about to defend myself against
false statements. That’s the other thing that pure self love will do for you. It will
save you from self defense when someone is on the offense.
Here’s the way I see it….
They are on the offense for reasons only they know.
They have some kind of the game in mind and I do not know what the
game is or when it will end.
I have not agreed to play.
Therefore no defense is needed.
Just walk away.
Here’s the trick though.
Can I walk away without being angry?
I must work hard to not accept the other person’s anger.
Can I stand in my own self love and not judge the other?
Pure self love will give me the strength to show the world how sweetly
I treat myself and how I expect to be treated by others.
This is something only I can do for myself.
It is something only you can do for yourself.
Pure self love…now there’s a platform on which to stand and
shout: Look out world, I love me, so I can love you!
I always wanted a cape…
No, I never wanted a cape of wool, cashmere, or mink.
I want a cape that shimmers in the face of wrong doing.
I want a cape that shines in the instance of injustice.
I want cape colored bright in a dark world of harm.
I want a super hero’s cape!
Instead?
I got a nose.
Donned with the red nose of a clown, I recently went to Guatemala to visit children and adults who were in hospitals and institutions.
A red nose is hardly something that gives a person super powers by any means.
But that red nose gave me:
-The power to look beyond the grim, sad cinder block buildings that housed people who lived beyond the fringe of society and poverty.
-The power to face my own fears of reaching out and touching and loving those suffering people who needed love.
-The power to laugh, dance and be silly in dismal conditions to raise up a smile in a person that seemed impossible to reach as they were trapped in their ill mind.
-The power to put my judgments, preconceived notions and ignorance aside to be genuine and to look at others with love.
I want to challenge you to be someone’s super hero. No, I don’t want you to travel to far and distant places or leap tall buildings in a single bound.
What can you use as your cape to give you the power to drop your fears and judgments and to reach out to people who could use love, understanding and compassion in your life?
Kay Walten