Monthly Archives: July 2012

Choices, roles and other mysteries…

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These days the word “choice” has a bad rap. It can only mean that we are on one side of a heated debate about women’s health. This blog is NOT about that choice, so please don’t feel like you must run for cover, find a picket sign, or shout “You go girl”!

This piece is about the choices we make every day that mold the life we eventually live. This is about all those little unconscious choices, like the 6th piece of cheesecake or the 4th affair or the decision to drive from Houston to Florida in order to shoot the girlfriend of your lover. Remember the female astronaut who was married and having an affair but was pissed off that her single lover had another girlfriend? I have to believe that her brain was offline…that is the only possible way that a woman who was brilliant enough to be one of the few to have gone into space could be cloudy enough to do what she did.

So, it is settled, smart people make stupid decisions!

I know that YOU are smart, so how can we make you immune to stupid mistakes?
I use the word ‘immune’ quite loosely, because I do not believe we can be completely immune to stupid mistakes.
We can, however, remember what is truly valuable to us so that we have a better chance of surviving the attack of “what was I thinking?”

My definition of personal values is a daily dose of remembering who we are at the core of our being and promising ourselves to stay true to that vision of who we are.
What kind of person do you wish to be known as?
Do you want to be the type of person who sneaks around having affairs and lying to your family?
Do you want to be the type of person who beats your spouse behind closed doors?

Staying present to your core values and your knowledge of what is right or wrong is one of the better ways to not stray from being a good and decent person.
It means that you hold true to your core beliefs in every decision you make.
You do not scream at others while saying you hate it when people scream at you.
It means that you weigh your responses before you fly off the handle and then ask for forgiveness.
It means that you respect others as you would expect to be respected.

The mystery of why we humans act more like animals than the rational beings we are is quite beyond me.
Why do we abuse woman and children?
Why do clergy sexually abuse little children?
Why are there so many instances of domestic violence and why do we make excuses for such behaviors?

Our choices and the roles we choose for our lives should not be made in a vacuum. It should not be a mystery as to why we continue to make the same insane mistakes. It should not cause us to scratch our heads in disbelief and not know why we do what we do.

Let’s make choices for ourselves that will allow us to enjoy the mystery of life that surrounds us. The mysteries of nature, the mysteries of love and the mysteries of the love we feel when we see children smile. Let’s make informed choices so that we can be surrounded by sweet mysteries…not by insane mysteries of uninformed decisions that are made when brains are offline.

Love & light,

Indrani

Waiting for a miracle….

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Waiting for a miracle…

The definition of a miracle is a surprising and welcomed event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is considered to be divine; a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment .

I think that miracles happen every day. I know there was a time that I thought miracles only happened to “worthy” people like Joan of Arc.

I was wrong.
We are born worthy. We remain worthy. We are worthy at this very moment.
If we are indeed worthy, then why are miracles not showing up?
Do you know what kind of miracle you want?

How will you recognize it when it shows up?
This morning, I pulled a lateral muscle while packing my suitcase. I recognized the twinge and asked for the miracle that the pain be manageable for my flight. I have not felt the pain for about 75 minutes.
I asked for that miracle. I recognized it.
I believe the first step in manifesting the miracles we want is to KNOW what we want.
To KNOW with clarity and certainty is the only way to move ahead.
Begin the “knowing.”

Love and light,

Indrani

 

Is school making your child crazy?

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Is school making your child crazy?

“The purpose of school should be to prepare kids for the rest of their lives, but too often what kids need to be prepared for is surviving the school day itself.” Susan Cain, QUIET

For the parent of a child who is being bullied, the above quote must be especially poignant…that is, if you are lucky enough to be told that they are being bullied. This blog is not about bullying but about being SHY and being ashamed of being shy.

Dr. Brene Brown tells us that shame says “I am bad.”
If a child has learned to be ashamed of being shy and is cajoled or taunted to be more outgoing, this child may feel that being shy is so bad that their existence is useless.

I feel that many shy children feel invisible. They know they have the right answers, but are afraid to put their hands up and speak out loud in the classroom. They cannot get full marks on any report card because a grade is being given for “class participation”. Many want to participate and when they work one-on-one they can have exciting
conversations, but in a group they freeze.

Telling this child to be something other than what they really are will not make them change. As parents and educators we have to learn how to work with the introversion so that the child can feel pride about their ability to be reflective, and introspective. We have to show them that their minds works differently and beautifully and show them how to find ways to be a part of the group, but in a way that feels safe to them.

“The truth is that many schools are designed for extroverts,” says Susan Cain.
So what do we do as parents and advocates for our introverted kids?
“When encouraging shy children to speak…it helps to make the topic so compelling that they forget their inhibitions.”

As parents and educators we can take sincere interests in the activities of the introverted child and use the love of those activities to encourage them to talk.

During the summer months, while kids are out if school, the time is right to begin the project of speaking up and out in the safety of one’s home.
These skills are important, if only to be able to tell others to stop bullying them. Being able to speak up for ones emotional health is  skill that we must teach our children. They are the future leaders.

In the May 21st, 2012 issue of Fortune Magazine, Doug Conant, the former Campbell Soup CEO gives some great advice.

He says:
1. “Don’t change who you are…people are not mind readers- you need to let them know if you are shy.”
2. “Say what’s on your mind…I’ve met so many leaders who realize that telling your colleagues something that is on your mind is so much easier than keeping it in.”
3. “Know who you work with…You might just find that you have introverts embedded within your organization who are natural-born leaders.”
4. “Find alone time…Introverts get more energy by having quiet time, compared with extroverts who find energy by being around people.”

This advice from Mr. Conant shows that introverts in the work force have a lot to contribute, and as parents/educators of these future leaders we owe it to them to prepare them for their whole lives…a life full of other people and challenges beyond those of childhood.

I hope you take up this project, it is well worth it.

Love and light,
Indrani

Be prepared…

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While growing up in Trinidad, West Indies, I was a Girl Guide. I was a troop leader and I guess, in hindsight I did learn a few things that have stuck.

The most important thing I learned was to BE PREPARED!

For what?

For what life brings.

Now it does not always work out that we can be prepared. Lord knows life has a way of throwing curve balls.

BUT, there are some things that are absolutely clear and the stuff you need is very apparent.

Going to swim? You need a suit, unless it’s skinny dipping time!

Going to lunch? You need money, unless someone else is paying.

Going to a conference with thousands in attendance for which you paid a hefty price? You need BUSINESS CARDS!!!!

I was recently at a conference with 1000+ attendees and almost 50% of the people I gave my card to said some version of “I left my cards at home”!

What does this have to do with you?

It all comes down to setting an INTENTION.

When you decide to do something, what is your intention?

Do you have a clear vision for what it is that you are doing?

For example, do you have a clear intention for that email that you want to send to a friend who always bothers you?

Do you have a set intention for dealing with the boss who always berates you in public?

As humans, we tend to allow our fears or our excitement cloud our bigger vision.

Folks were so excited to come to the conference that they lost track of the importance of leaving a trail…their business card.

Not only must you leave a trail, you must leave an impression. So you have to KNOW why you are attending and what you want from the conference.

If it’s just an excuse for a vacation then that is okay because that’s the intention. Accept it and speak it; give it voice and energy.

If your brain goes on freeze mode when you see your boss approaching, you must practice how to unfreeze your brain when you are not with your boss. Get a trusted friend to role play with you.

The point is, if you do not have a clear picture of how you want things to go, how can you get the help/resources you need to move ahead?

So make your plans and BE PREPARED!

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Sick to my stomach…

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Last night I sacrificed something I really wanted to do that was good for me, so I could go and have dinner with an angry, frustrated person.
I wanted to make him less angry by doing what he wanted to do.

At first I had said no, but he walked off with anger seeping from him as he was going to take his motorcycle in the rain during a storm.

So I went to dinner him (we had no electricity due to storms so dining in was not much of an option).
Dinner was tense but tolerable.
I ate too much and I tried to order something healthy but found myself just munching away to pass the uncomfortable time.

After dinner I was filled with self-loathing…for having caved into the compulsion to make someone happy and for falling into the same steps.
My body felt gross.
So to rebel towards how I had been manipulated I made myself vomit…so I would feel better physically.
I felt in control.

And then I ate some ice cream.

How messed up is that?!

Kay Walten

The Gift of Understanding Jokes…

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At first glance, this title seems simple enough.
Of course you can understand a joke. You crack up at Last Comic Standing and you get satire and you can deliver a nice zinger whenever you wish.
Or do you?
Can you?

I just finished Priscilla Gilman’s The Anti-Romantic Child, and I have come to appreciate the gift of this nuance called joking.

Priscilla comes to find out that her first born son has hyperlexia.
She realizes that his grasp of language nuance may be compromised. At this same time she is a Professor of English Literature at Yale.
Her two lives, Mom of Benj and Professor Gilman allow her to understand with painful clarity what we all take for granted.
“There are so many fundamental and important things that we have and take for granted- the ability to converse, to joke, to
decipher body language, to advocate for ourselves….the ability to have meaningful exchange with another person. We are so lucky!”

After reading this paragraph, I had to stop and reflect on the wisdom in those words.
I have NEVER been grateful for my language skills.
I never considered it anything special that I have quick wit and can understand satire, jokes and sense when someone might be lying. Heck, understanding that I even have the ability to lie is quite evolved. I take all language gifts for granted.

It broke my heart when Priscilla talks about all the challenges that Benj has like the ability to use the first pronoun, I and to call someone by their name is a skill. It means the brain is wired in a way that allows these things to happen seamlessly.

I look at my children and deeply appreciate so much more of all that they are.
I feel the fear that Priscilla Gilman has for the future challenges that Benj will face.

Her strength and fierce love of Benj is palpable, and when she said that she realized LOVE is the best medicine, I had to jump up and cheer.

How many of us take for granted all the little miracles that occur in our lives every minute of every day.
I invite you to take off the lens of ” yea yea, gratitude is great but” and SEE all that is within the things that we love.
Can we accept the people in our lives with all their short comings and still be courageous enough to simply love them.
Can we love ourselves for all that we are and not look first at the faults?

I am grateful to Priscilla Gilman for having the courage to lay bare the sweetness of all that she has learned.
I want a sequel, please. I am invested in Benj. I am invested in you and in me.
Thank you for turning on a light that I did not know was out.

What can you celebrate today about your own self that you did not celebrate yesterday?

Love and light
Indrani

Am I fired?

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A few weeks ago I received an email from someone I barely knew regarding my classes in which she has never attended.
Her information came from some of those who had taken my class. These people had some sensitive nerves touched and decided their pain was my fault! The email was mean spirited and made accusations that were untrue.

What was I going to do?
Was I going to retaliate?
Was I going to react?

The first thing I had to do was control my mind chatter and control my emotions. I felt the tears stinging at the edges of my eyes and I blinked them back. After a while the tears did not need to show themselves. I got hold of my thoughts and I formed my next steps.

I decided that my steps would be based on my TRUTH.
My deepest truth about the work that I do is that IT IS NECESSARY! The pain of an abuse victim pales in comparison with the slight pain that I was feeling.

I asked myself, “Indrani, how far would you go to reach a woman who needed to hear what you have to say about resilience and courage?”
My answer was “as far as I need to.”
So how far would I go to reach the women that I had come to reach?
I replied to the email and decided that I would go as far as I could go without damage to myself.
What kind of damage? EMOTIONAL damage!

So I took that mean spirited email as a CASE study and I sent myself to NEGOTIATION school.
I had taken a class in negotiating a few months ago, so I began to apply the principles.
A negotiation is a two way street where everyone compromises and therefore wins.
So what did I want to WIN?
I wanted to win a chance to share something with the women.
What did this boss lady want to win? I had no idea!
I only had the email to guide me so I looked at what they were AFRAID of.
I charted what I read alongside what my true work was.
I very carefully began to craft my response and I held in my heart the women who would be in my class.

I did the class that afternoon for 2.5 hours and returned the next day for 3.5 hours. The women that took part asked me to stay longer. They even called the boss lady to ask and she said NO. She said that “they were not ready”.

How did she know?
I have no idea!
They felt sad and I left.
I felt like both she and I won.
I won the respect of the women and she won the time frame constraints.

As I write this I am resting in my hotel room, looking at THE VOW.
It seems like a great title because it lines up with the VOW I made to myself to honor my truth.

Love, light & truth,

Indrani