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The languages of life… What’s your fluency?

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woman_talking_iStock_000008940784XSmallYou may have heard of the very popular book called “Five Love Languages.”

The book tells us the different ways that we show love and how we like for love to be shown to us.

I was having an intriguing conversation with a dear friend this week and it occurred to me that when people speak, they immediately tell us what kind of person they are.

They can see the world in any variety  of ways and often all we need to do is USE our two ears more consistently than we use our one mouth.

We need to listen more than we speak.

When we listen, really listen, we will be able to hear what kind of life language people are using…

Positivity speak
Joy speak
Hopeful speak
Victim speak
Negativity speak
Powerless speak

I know that you understand what I mean.

I recently reached out to an acquaintance and asked how they were doing, and the litany of complaints began. I immediately felt deflated. I felt like saying, has nothing positive happened in this whole year?

I did not. Instead I just listened and made an excuse and got off the telephone.

If we wish to elevate our spirit, we must choose carefully the kind of person with whom we commune.

Now, comes the scary question, what life language do you speak?

Are you one of the people who is uplifting or down putting?

If you don’t know, try listening to yourself.

If you don’t know how to listen to yourself, then ask a trusted friend how you come across and promise them to not shoot the messenger.

It is a worthy exercise.

Try it.

 
Love and light,

 
Indrani

Whose behaviour are you misdiagnosing?

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“What does it look like when you put [a traumatized] kid in a classroom? When people don’t understand there’s been a tiger in your life, it looks a lot like ADHD to them.” – Dr. Heather Forkey 

This quote comes from the last line of a recent article published about the misdiagnosis of childhood trauma as ADHD (you can read the full article here.)

Rushed doctor’s not taking enough time with patients, teachers and parents looking for a quick solution, families hiding the reality of their home life, and a lack of support for children experiencing trauma have all contributed to the possible misdiagnosis of ADHD, when in reality the child is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to trauma.

Which raises an interesting question for all of us in our everyday lives: who have we misdiagnosed with a rushed and incorrect label in our own lives?

We call the neighbor’s teenage daughter that “gets around” promiscuous (if we are being nice) and a “slut” (if we are not being nice).

We call the boy in the Motley Crue jacket, smoking cigarettes a “thug” and walk on the other side of the road.

We call the lawyer at the party, who pushes everyone away with her know-it-all behaviour, a snob.

The child who never has lunch at school and wears old, torn clothes “just comes from a poor family”.

The bully in the playground is “big for his age, and pushy”.

The little boy, bouncing off the walls at the grocery store while his mother screams “must have ADHD”.

What if each of these people has a deeper story that we are ignoring?

Dr. Nicole Brown, Dr. Heather Forkey and their colleagues are working hard to change the landscape of ADHD diagnosis, hoping that they can teach professionals to look deeper, go beyond the quick and simple diagnosis and find what may really be going on with some of these kids.

You may not be a professional, but doesn’t taking more time and going deeper with your own “diagnosis” of people seem like a good idea?

How could your life, and their life, be different if you did?

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Let 2015 be the year that you Make A Scene…..

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Here at ILF we are proud of all women everywhere who stand up for what is right and JUST.

Today we commend Susan Hyatt for the action she took while on her daily run when she saw a wrong and righted it.

This is #doonething at its finest.

Here are her words…

{Make a fucking scene.} People! I was just on my run, and I passed two teenage girls and an adorable little yellow lab puppy. I stopped to pet the puppy and ran along.

On my way back, I saw them about a tenth of a mile up the road. The girls were facing my direction. The puppy’s leash was wrapped around one of the girl’s legs and was cowering behind her. One teenage boy was in a parked car on the curb, and the other was in one of the girl’s space, yelling at her, moving quickly in her face, and puffing up his chest. She looked terrified and like she was going to fall. The other girl saw me and started waving at me wildly and yelling for help. She was crying.

In a split second, mama bear instinct kicked in and I don’t think I’ve ever ran so fast or yelled so loudly. “Hey! Back the hell up!”

As I approached, the boy (about 19 ish), said, “Oh, what’s Miss Sparkle-Case- iphone gonna do?”

Me, “Well, I just sent a text to my son, and in about 60 seconds, he and about ten of his friends will be getting in line behind me to kick. your. coward. ass.”

Punk, “I’d like to see you try, you crazy bitch.”

Me, “I’ve got nothing to lose today and if I’m going down, it’ll be while beating some sense into you. Try me.”

At this point his friend was yelling at him to get in the car and stop being an idiot.

He muttered something under his breath about me being a nutcase and got in the car.

The girl sat down on the curb crying that she was so embarassed that they had “made a scene.” I told her, “You are worth more than a scene. And, that guy? Not worth it.”

I noticed a Post Man sitting in his van watching the three of us women band together and stand up to this guy (who was about 6’4″ and easily had 100 pounds on me.) I went over to his van and tapped on the window and asked why he didn’t get out and come help. He apologized but didn’t think it was “his business.” If you see someone in danger, make it your fucking business. At least call 911.

As it turns out, this kid was harassing her because she broke up with him. I walked them home and she was going inside to tell her mom and report the incident.

As I think about this, I’ve been the girl. I’ve been the friend. I’ve been the postman. Please let 2015 be the year that you make a scene. Make a loud, messy scene. How often are we afraid because we were taught “Don’t make a scene.” Screw that. Make a scene. In big and bold ways. Speak up. Speak loud. Do not cower.

And with this adrenaline fueled post, I give you some wise words from Nicki Manaj’s “Fly”….

Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fear
And I aint got no muthaf-cking time to spare

And that pic? That’s me. Proud of three girls in the street today.

‪#‎whorunsthismutha‬ ‪#‎noassholepolicy‬

Let’s all do more of these in the New Year…..

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Smile more.

Speak with compassion.

Help a stranger.

Take more steps and move your body.

Tell yourself you ARE good enough.

Eat 5% more healthy.

Complete this sentence:
If I were to follow my purpose I would be brave enough to ________________.

Now find a way to begin that journey.

A very happy 2015!

 

Love & light,

TEAM ILF

The Science behind Spanking……

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BadBehavior-532x800-881x499Let’s face it….parenting is the toughest job on the planet. Everyone does it a little differently but I like to think that all parents have the same goal in mind and that is to raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted child into adulthood.

This article shows the science and facts behind Corporal Punishment, aka Spanking.

One of the long term negative effects? Increased risk of spousal abuse or child abuse as an adult. (And that’s just one.)

http://www.upworthy.com/the-science-of-spanking-what-happens-to-spanked-kids-when-they-grow-up?c=ufb1

Let’s discuss in the comment section below.  Where do you stand on this topic? What type of disciplinary actions do you use (or have you used) as a parent?

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Thankful for a great 2014….

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nwlrbb50b76a9dc4871As we prepare to join loved ones this holiday season, let us take just a few moments to sit in silence and speak softly the things that pop into our heads that we are thankful for.

For me, it always starts with the simplest things:

  • My health
  • My family
  • The deep love of my children and husband
  • The warmth of my home.

Some of the more significant events are:

  • Visits to India and Trinidad to start global programs.
  • The first Train-the-Trainer in Austin.
  • Train-the-Trainer in Trinidad and how well we all formed community.
  • The ILF Team.
  • The love, support and brilliance of Andrea J Lee.
  • The new knowledge that Kate Roberts has spied about the way I teach and the way it can impact behavior change.
  • My ongoing partnership with PSI and being on the WIN team with Melinda Gates and The Princess of Norway and a group of female philanthropists who are ready to change our world.

What does your list look like?

Please let us know in the comment section below.

May you be at Peace.

Love and light,

Indrani

A2A….Awareness to Action

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listen-to-your-bodyI went to an AA meeting many years ago with a friend. AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous.

There are meetings all over the world many times a day where people who are struggling with addiction have a safe place to speak about their struggles.

The meetings do require people who wish to speak to say their name and to say, “I am an Alcoholic.”

The simple power of this introduction leaves no room in the mind of the speaker or the listener about the challenges being faced.

I would like to borrow this concept but I want to call it A2A.

What would Awareness to Action look like?

It would begin with the uneasy feeling that something might be wrong.

How do I know that something may be wrong?

That’s the easy part.

We would be on edge, scared and not able to identify the fear, sick to our stomach, etc.

These would be signs that our body is giving us that STUFF is awry!

The easy thing to do here is to ignore the feelings of dis-ease and discomfort. That is what most people do. They push down all the whisperings that the body sends our way. The headache? A whisper! The nausea? A whisper? The inability to speak? A whisper.

Whispers are manifesting in our bodies everyday.

My idea of A2A, Awareness 2 Action, is to listen to the whispers. To allow the self to feel the discomfort.

If you allow the feeling to continue to whisper and to give up the wisdom you will be able to find a path through the challenge.

So the next time you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, ask yourself these simple questions:

What’s happening in my body?

What are my thoughts about what I am feeling?

If you can take your blood pressure to see if it’s elevated that will be a sign that something internal is off.

Use all the whispers of the body to inform how you will navigate the challenges.

The challenges will always come and its up to you to be aware of them and to take informed action.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Female Avatars – Helping teach about gender equality?

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Untitled“Why are you playing as a girl?”

“I’m not, it is just a boy with long hair.”

“Oh, ok. Can I watch?”

This conversation between me and my son seems innocent enough, and, a few months ago, before starting to work with Indrani’s Light Foundation, it probably would have remained in my brain filed away as “not a big deal.”

But, through my work with the Live a Brighter Life training, corresponding with the ILF Team, and the research I have done for articles and blog posts, this was no longer a casual comment by my son. It worried me.

Why at the age of seven was he cautious when he thought my character’s avatar was a girl, but excited to watch me play when he discovered I was playing the game as a boy?

My mind quickly returned to another conversation we had also had about Tamora Pierce’s “Song of the Lioness Quartet”, a series of books we were thinking of reading, until my son found out the protagonist was a girl.

This was now the start of a pattern and it worried me even more.

So, I did the only thing I could think of to, hopefully, change my son’s view and start some conversation:

I deleted my character and made a new one, this time a female character.

It didn’t take long for my son to notice. The next time he came to the basement while I was playing the game we had another conversation.

“Where’s your other character?”

“I got rid of him and made this one.”

“Is that a GIRL?”

“Yes it is a girl”

“Why are you playing as a girl?”

“Because I think she is way cooler than my first character. She is a warrior and uses this big sword and charges into the bad guys to fight”

Long pause.

“Can I watch?”

 

Will my playing a female, instead of male, character make a huge difference in how my son perceives gender roles and stereotypes? I have no idea. But I figure it can’t hurt and we are at least talking about it now and can continue to talk about it when he watches me play.

Equally important, this video game and conversation has me realizing areas in my life where I am modeling behavior that is supporting gender stereotypes and inequality and I need to change that.

Asasha Veil, my female character, is at least one step in the right direction.

 

Does making a small change like this help? What seemingly small changes could you make to help model gender equality? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Using BREATH as a power tool…

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breathe-400x267Use your breath as a power tool….it’s free and it’s yours to use as you need.

I was wandering around Manhattan the other day and I was window shopping.

Suddenly I felt myself drawn to a store and wandered inside.

I began to look at some of the merchandise and struck up a conversation with the owner of the shop.

He limped over to his desk and I said, “What did you do to your leg?”

He limped back over to me and told me the story.

Here is the short version…

He was hit on the street by a car and it’s a neighbor and he is going to court in a few days to establish liability so he can file a damage suit.

He then began to rile himself up about how his wife really botched the deposition and he wanted to kill her for saying stupid things and I said “STOP.”

I began to ask questions about his trial and allowed him to blow off some steam.

I then asked, “Do you want me to help you to stay calm tomorrow on the stand?”

He said, “YES!”

The first thing I said was this, “I need you to keep angry thoughts about your wife OUT of your mind. What’s done is done. I need you to keep thinking good thoughts about her. I also need for you to stop thinking words like “crucify ” and “I’m done in” etc. When you are in court, use your breath to provide space between your responses. Do not spit out your answers like a dog who is panting. Take your time. If the judge says to hurry up, say you want to respond responsibly and truthfully.”

I do not know if he will take my advice but here’s what I do know. He may not have lambasted his wife as he was getting ready. He may hear my words in his head. I may have averted some very awful verbal abuse in their household when he went home.

Can I be sure?

Never. There is never an “I am sure.”

This is what I can be sure about. My mission is always present. I am always looking for an opportunity to guide. I was lead into that store and lead to that owner and I did what I do naturally.

When we are on mission, we are ALWAYS on mission.

Don’t leave your mission at home the next time you venture out. Take it with you.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

What an apology letter from a rapist might look like……

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A Letter from the boys of a University of Virginia Frat House

920x920(This “letter of apology” is based on a recent article from Rolling Stone Magazine that you can read here.)

To the victims…err…women…of University of Virginia,

It has recently come to our attention that being lured up to a room, thrown through a glass table, punched, and sexually assaulted by 7 of our frat brothers is not a preferred sexual experience for women. We are shocked and feel great sadness that what we called “a great Friday night” was so harmful to others.

We will also, in light of this information, stop referring to women as “it”. We now realize that may not be respectful or appropriate. It…we mean a woman, is a person too.

We, the boys of Phi Kappa Psi would like to apologize for our treatment of you, and beg forgiveness. Although we are all well-educated, intelligent men, we have suffered from confusion over how to properly treat women, and believed, in good faith, that our actions were acceptable.

After all, we were simply following suggested practices from the University fight song “Rugby Road”.

How were we supposed to know that:

  • Women do not prefer to be drunk and taken advantage of (“fill you full of beer. And soon you’ll be the mother of a bastard Cavalier!”)
  • Not all women like to perform certain sexual acts (“Are the ones who stay up late at night, and take it in the rear”)
  • Not all women prefer multiple partners (“And you never know how many men they’ll bring home every night”)
  • That women do not prefer to be seen as nothing more than “twat” (“She’s a helluva twat from Agnes Scott”) or that women don’t want to get get paid for sex (“she’ll f*** for 50 cents”)

We admit, we have heard some of these complaints previously, however it was always explained to us that women being upset by our actions were just “looking for attention” and that they were not leaving school because of these bad experiences, they were just moving on to other opportunities.

Even our own school, which runs a Sexual Misconduct Board, ensured us our actions were not that big of a deal, helping most of our victims realize that they had just had a “bad experience” and should continue on without pointing fingers and giving the school, or the frat houses, a bad name.

Amidst all of this guidance what were we supposed to do? In retrospect perhaps we should have reflected on our morals and values and realized that we were in the wrong, but to be honest, we were drunk, just didn’t give a shit, and were having a good time.

We are sorry you were not having a good time with us and promise to change our ways.

The Frat Boys

(You can read the full article this “letter” is based on here: http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/a-rape-on-campus-20141119?page=4)