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A few weeks ago I got some bad news. Something that I was looking forward to for more than ONE year got cancelled and just sort of fell apart. I did not receive any real reason.
I FELL apart.
I had to “phone a friend” and I gave myself permission to cry my eyes out.
She held space for me and I let it pour. I had not let myself fall apart like that for years.
After the wave of emotion crested and crashed, I felt better… except that ANGER began to swirl.
The previous pain was replaced by INTENSE rage and I wanted to call the offender all sorts of names and hurl insults … then I saved myself by going to sleep. The good news was that I was able to find sleep and peace whereas before I would have stewed all night and woke up even more angry.
But this time, I woke up refreshed and I took to the streets for my daily walk.
I walked almost 6 miles and I felt great.
I also had some really great conversations with myself on the walk.
There were two wolves in my head, one was righteously mean and the other sweetly compassionate.
Every time the mean wolf would speak, it would list the “ways” I SHOULD act. If I did not act in those ways, the wolf told me that I was a wimp and a push over and so on and so forth!
The other wolf would wait for the first wolf to stop speaking and just whisper something like
“you know that this person is not nasty, you know the person is one of the kindest you know…”
Then the mean wolf would jump back in…
And so it went.
I began to get very confused. What to do? Who to believe?
Then I had a thought!
“Indrani,” I said to myself, “what KIND of person are you? What if this was the last decision you will ever make about this person? Who do YOU want to be like, the mean wolf or the compassionate wolf?”
And just like that I knew what to do.
If you know me, dear reader, you KNOW I choose wolf number TWO, the wolf of Compassion. That is the wolf I choose to feed. I fed it with great thoughts about the person, great memories about the person and I said a silent prayer for the person to be well and safe and happy.
When I got home, I decided on the proper course of action for me. I decided to do the activities by myself. I decided that the decisions of another had to do with them, not me. If I wanted to go somewhere or do something, it was my business.
At my ripe age of 60, I really have NO time for waiting for another to fulfill my desires.
I have no time for regret.
So I offer this lesson to you.
When you are disappointed, as you sometimes will be, don’t allow your pain and your self righteous wolf lead down the path of nasty and revenge.
Try to feed the Wolf of Compassion and free your self from the “expectations” of what others should do for you.
Make YOUR decisions for your happiness.
Decide to be compassionate to yourself, as you offer compassion to the other.
Hope this helps…
Love and light,