A few weeks ago I got some bad news. Something that I was looking forward to for more than ONE year got cancelled and just sort of fell apart. I did not receive any real reason.
I had to “phone a friend” and I gave myself permission to cry my eyes out.
She held space for me and I let it pour. I had not let myself fall apart like that for years.
After the wave of emotion crested and crashed, I felt better… except that ANGER began to swirl.
The previous pain was replaced by INTENSE rage and I wanted to call the offender all sorts of names and hurl insults … then I saved myself by going to sleep. The good news was that I was able to find sleep and peace whereas before I would have stewed all night and woke up even more angry.
I walked almost 6 miles and I felt great.
I also had some really great conversations with myself on the walk.
There were two wolves in my head, one was righteously mean and the other sweetly compassionate.
Every time the mean wolf would speak, it would list the “ways” I SHOULD act. If I did not act in those ways, the wolf told me that I was a wimp and a push over and so on and so forth!
The other wolf would wait for the first wolf to stop speaking and just whisper something like
“you know that this person is not nasty, you know the person is one of the kindest you know…”
Then the mean wolf would jump back in…
And so it went.
I began to get very confused. What to do? Who to believe?
Then I had a thought!
And just like that I knew what to do.
If you know me, dear reader, you KNOW I choose wolf number TWO, the wolf of Compassion. That is the wolf I choose to feed. I fed it with great thoughts about the person, great memories about the person and I said a silent prayer for the person to be well and safe and happy.
When I got home, I decided on the proper course of action for me. I decided to do the activities by myself. I decided that the decisions of another had to do with them, not me. If I wanted to go somewhere or do something, it was my business.
I have no time for regret.
So I offer this lesson to you.
When you are disappointed, as you sometimes will be, don’t allow your pain and your self righteous wolf lead down the path of nasty and revenge.
Try to feed the Wolf of Compassion and free your self from the “expectations” of what others should do for you.
Make YOUR decisions for your happiness.
Hope this helps…
Love and light,
He knew and understood exactly what kind of relationship that was. The way I understood it was that when things were discussed he did not say things like ” that FEELS great, or that MAKES me HAPPY.”
Emotions were OUT of this equation and both parties understood that.
To put the transactional relationship out into the light, think Pretty Women. It started out as a transaction and then she wants a relationship. It took him a while but eventually the arrangement changed.
I have read that successful pimps prey on young women and start off with the lure of a relationship, then when the young girls think they have a real boyfriend…..the pimps beat them, rape them and turn the arrangement into the transaction it was always meant to be.
I have been thinking about marriage and have been wondering if perhaps the high rates of divorce might be due to the fact that we do not know the difference between transaction and relation based relationships.
A wife who complains that her husband is always at work, travels too much and is never available is complaining that the relationship is suffering. The man may be very confused as he is providing a house and cars and lifestyle and does not understand what she wants from him. He is seeing the transactional side of the arrangement.
How can people on two different sides move towards the center?
I think a good place to start is with shared filling in the blanks of “What’s missing here?”
If the wife says her piece and says that time with husband is missing and intimacy and friendship it is a start.
If the husband says nothing is missing and he is happy at work and just wants to be the provider, there is an insight into the size of the divide.
I knew of a couple who went on vacation once, and while he played golf everyday she drank and sat by the pool.
She did NOT want to spend more time with him and HE was happy with that arrangement. They saw each other the same amount of time while on vacation as they did at home.
The only difference is that they slept in a hotel room.
This transactional vacation worked for them, he bought the vacation package and she used it.
We don’t get to complain about the type of arrangement we have if we are not courageous enough to open it up and ask questions.
If you are in a relationship that feels like it needs to be changed, ask “What’s missing for me here?”
Journal about this question as many times as you need to. Look at your answers.
Make a list of the things that are missing.
Then begin to see what YOU can provide for yourself.
This may not be the answer you want, but when you can provide the elements of life you want for yourself than you can begin to fill in the other elements with your partner.
Love and light,
If you should see a sign above a beautiful doorway in a lovely building that reads Department of Emotions, you may be curious.
You may enter cautiously, with glee or maybe with anxiety. Let’s assume that you do enter and begin to look around.
Within this department, you may find floor upon floor of beautiful offices with open doors and nicely dressed people working away.
These employees have the job of dispensing emotions to the whole world. They actually love their jobs.
The way they do it is that they get telegraphic requests and they dispatch emotions at the speed of light.
You want Joy? Done.
Gratitude? Yes, lots being dispensed these days.
You look around some more and realize that some employees are sitting still, making no movement with no work to do.
You look at their titles and there seems to be a theme….Bliss, Ecstasy, Passion and you wonder why.
Then you wander some more and see some employees over-burdened, just dragging and stressed and you glance at their titles.
You see another theme…
You ask them why they are so exhausted and they don’t even have time to look up or answer you.
One of the other employees, the one called Ecstasy, tells you that some emotions are overused and the guys dispensing them cannot catch a break. No time for rest or sleep. No one seems to be taking breaks from fits of anger, rants full if rage or blinding hatred.
Then you begin to realize that you too have overused some emotions and woefully underused others.
You cannot remember the last time you telegraphed for Bliss or Passion and forget about Ecstasy.
I know that this blog is way out there. I hope that it gives you pause to consider which emotions you over use and which others you ignore.
I encourage you to use less anger and rage and use more of joy, bliss and passion.
Find something to be passionate about…a hobby or a cause.
Find Joy in the everyday stuff, even little things like the gift of sight or the ability to still climb stairs.
I believe it was Albert Einstein who said we can behave as if nothing is a miracle, or as if everything is a miracle.
Let’s live the miracles that are all around us.
Love and light,
When I was growing up in Trinidad, I was repeatedly told that I was “too emotional”. I have struggled with that label for most of my adult life and certainly felt the weight of non-acceptance the whole of my childhood. Heck, why would I expect others to accept me as an adult when I was not even ready to accept my OWN self. It has ONLY been in the past 10 years that I have begun to fully embrace who and what I am.
Who am I?
I am an emotional creature.
I am a creature with MANY different emotions.
I love my emotions…they serve to protect me.
What am I?
I am a woman who is PROUD to paint with her emotions.
I paint pictures and vignettes that work for me.
I am a woman whose emotional palette is too vast to be contained in any one closet of feelings.
I need several and they are all different styles and designs.
I am all in!
Wow, Indrani, you sound kind of boastful and egotistical and kind of scary!
Ummmm, yes it may sound like that and look like that, AND that too is OK with MOI!
You see, those perceptions belong to others, not me!
I am finally ok with ME and I am also ok with you not really liking me.
I sure hope that you like YOU though!
I have given myself permission to shriek in delight, to guffaw out loud and to cry when I want to.
I can feel frustration and disappointment and NOT turn it into anger.
I can feel somber or elated or frightened or thigh slapping loud, AND they are all ok!
I can be quiet when I choose, talk a mile a minute when the mood strikes and love others as much as I now love myself.
I can do all these things without requiring permission from anyone.
I have finally given myself permission to inhabit all the colors of my emotional palette.
Have you given yourself permission to use all of your emotions?
Love and light,
Oh how Facebook has reduced us to junior high feelings all over again.
Those feelings weren’t that great the first time around. Now they are possibly worse because, on top of the same old teenage insecurities floating to the surface we have that feeling that OMG, really, I am a grown adult and am so emotionally involved in who is my friend or not on Facebook.
REALLY? Grow up!
The inner monologue goes something like this:
Will you be my friend?
Did you like my post?
Why did not you like my photo?
Why didn’t you comment on my post on your wall?
How come you didn’t Facebook me?
The inner voice is louder now: “What’s wrong with me that you do not want to be my friend or like the shit I post?”
Any of these statements ring true to you?
I shake my head in wonder of myself.
I recently had to de-friend someone who I thought was my friend but who did not act like my friend.
My finger hovered over the button to click as I planned on de-friending that person.
Oh the shame to de-friend….
The shame that I did not want to be their friend.
The shame that I was being mean or I was acting like a bitch.
The shame I would hurt their feelings.
The shame that as much as they wanted to be my friend…..I did not want them to be mine.
But the shame is that other person did not respect me, my rules, terms, conditions or non-conditions (as the case may be) of being MY friend.
Why should we feel shame de-friending someone who is not being a friend.
I click “de-friend”. I did it.
Oh the guilt. I have been de-friended and I know what it feels like to be de-friended. It’s like HEY I thought we were friends what the HELL is wrong with you to de-friend me? What did I do wrong?
Oh the guilt, will they call, text or email me asking me why? What will I say?
The guilt if I made someone feel less of a person because I did not want to be their friend.
It is amazing how this thing called Facebook can evoke these and so many emotions.
There is my Facebook friending insecurities rant.
Now I have one less friend….so friend me, I have a spot to fill!
Want to hear about another story that’s just like a dog trying to
catch his tail?
It goes like this:
Person A says, “You said you hated me!”
Person B says “I meant when you make fun of me. You make me feel stupid!”
Person A “If you say you hate me, you must mean it or you are stupid!”
Person B “God, if only you would just listen, but you always jump down my throat!”
I am sure you have been here at some time or another.
This fight is not going anywhere good. Someone will get hurt…either
emotionally, physically or both.
What is this fight about?
It could be about frustration or desperation or lack of any emotion.
I know people who never speak when things are “good” so the only time
they communicate is when they are angry.
If this is you…
You are going nowhere fast.
Someone is looking to place blame and someone is looking to be rescued.
Both brains are in screech mode and what’s more, both adults have left the room.
The people screaming at each other are two tantrum-throwing 5 year olds.
You need to find a way to “tap out” like wrestlers.
If this is a diagnosis of your relationship, get some help. Get some
clarity for yourself.
Go to a minister or a therapist or a VERY trusted friend.
You need a neutral person.
BTW, when you do decide to get help, remember to work on YOU!
You are the only person you can change.
Yep, that sucks, but that’s a fact.
Change the face in the mirror.