Tag Archives: end gender based violence

The importance of mentoring our young people.

Portrait of Young Woman Holding Blank PlacardI recently attended a conference which was populated with amazing, young social entrepreneurs and people ready to make significant change in their world.

Young people concerned with food security for the most vulnerable on the planet, those concerned with helping adolescents with HIV Aids to live a full life and others still who were just looking for a cause.

Here is what I know for sure…

They all need a mentor, a guide who can listen to their thoughts, their visions and their big dreams.

I know this because I so desperately needed mentors through the various stages of my life.

I had great and supportive teachers in high school, in college and graduate school. Then I was in the work world and had no one to turn to for help with my career.

I did not even know what my skills were.

I had no idea what questions to ask or who to turn to for guidance.

As I was wrapping up my presentation from the stage at this conference I said, “I am 61 and I know what it’s like to be working in the dark. I know what it’s like to have a vision that no one else can understand and how easy it is to begin the toxic process of self doubt.”

I offered to be a mentor to those who needed one.

A few young women came up during the course of the weekend and asked me to mentor them and with each request my heart grew wider and warmer and I know what an honor it is to be the attentive ears for these future leaders.

My ask for you is to offer yourself to mentor others.

It does not matter how old or young you are, someone needs what you have.

When I was that small and beaten child in Trinidad, what I would have given to someone to have seen my pain and acknowledged it and given me some soft ears to speak my pain.

I know that it would have made my pain sting less.

Speak up.

Listen well.

Share your strengths.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

It’s a Revolution……

1br_rev_landscape_stack_w.date_blackHappy V-Day!

Did you know that 1 in 3 women will be beaten or raped during her lifetime? That’s ONE BILLION WOMEN AND GIRLS!

If this statistic is as shocking to you as it is to us, you should join our friends over at One Billion Rising. They have started an incredible Revolution to end violence against women and girls.

Every February, we rise – in hundreds of countries across the world – to show our local communities and the world what one billion looks like and shine a light on the rampant impunity and injustice that survivors most often face.  We rise through dance to express joy and community and and celebrate the fact that we have not been defeated by this violence. We rise to show we are determined to create a new kind of consciousness – one where violence will be resisted until it is unthinkable. This year we are rising for Revolution. We are initiating a new series, “Building to One Billion Rising Revolution” where we will be sharing stories of extraordinary activists who embody the creative radical shift in consciousness required to bring about CHANGE.  ~Grassroots Activists who fight for justice and liberation with passion and joy.

Technology helping to break the silence for abused women….

Quiet_WomanThe new iClik machine allows victims of abuse to report gender violence crimes without risking being seen going to the police.

This piece of technology is empowering more women to take the first step in ending the cycle of abuse and that is a step in the right direction!

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/03/india-abuse_n_6094678.html?utm_hp_ref=world&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000010

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Playing Hide and Seek with Gender Based Violence in your world

It struck me today that one of the first steps we all must take in the fight against gender based violence is to start actively paying attention and noticing gender based violence.

How we each do this will be different, but for me, since starting my work at ILF, it means filtering the world through a new lens and quietly asking myself “was that gender based violence?” or “is there a message here about gender based violence?”

When someone like TMZ decides to post a video that is an extreme and obvious case of gender based violence (as in the Ray Rice situation) it is easy for everyone to say “well yes, that was a case of gender based violence, we need to do something about it.”

But what about all of the non-obvious, non-in-your-face examples?

  • What about the two kids that I always see playing in the local playground, sometimes with their 2 year old sister. Why do they NEVER want to be at home?
  • What about the gym teacher at the local high school who constantly smirks at his male students when one of the more well-endowed girls jogs by in class?
  • What about the sad little girl who went to the day home next door to my house that nobody noticed until the caregiver’s husband went to jail last year for molesting her?

If we are observing the world like everyone else all of these may slip below our radar.

But, if we start actively watching for gender based violence (and I am not saying this is easy, so take care of yourself) the number of incidents starts to become more and more clear, and it is only then we start to realize how important the commitment to ending gender based violence really is.

So, what was it that struck me today and brought this realization into the light?

The song Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. This song has been out since 2007 and is tied as the longest-running song on the Modern Rock Tracks chart at 52 weeks. I have heard it countless times and thought nothing about it other than “great song, I like it”.

Today I watched the music video, with my new found GBV filter, and, wow, was I missing the point:

Link: http://youtu.be/6Ux6SlOE9Qk

 

Share your ideas about making gender based violence more obvious to the world in the comments below.

 

Love & light,

 

Jeremie Miller

ILF Team Member & Guest Blogger

Too little, too late…….

downloadWhy does it take teen victims of sexual assault committing suicide for the police to decide that there is sufficient evidence to move forward with a further investigation of these horrific attacks?

Too little, to late.

This statement by Larry Pott, father of Audrie Pott, a sexual assault victim who took her own life after photos of her attack spread throughout her high school and on social media, bears repeating,

“It’s not a college problem. It’s not a high-school problem. It’s a gender and societal problem.”

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/magazine/our-daughter-is-dead-were-the-surviving-victims-rape-bullying-and-suicide-after-a-viral-flood/ar-BB7g4pq

Let us join the families of these victims, who’s lives are so tragically cut short, by honoring them and finding ways to educate our youth and society so that we can put an end to Gender Based Violence.

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Lessons from the past 7 years….

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I realized a few days ago that I have been working with pmo-lessons-learnedGender Violence for about 7 years.

It seems so unreal to me that it has been so long. I love this work so much that it always feels new.

There is so much to learn about the psychology of why a woman stays in an abusive home that I always feel like a novice.

I hope that I always will be a novice at heart, if not head.

Here are some of the irrefutable facts that I have personally learned over these many years:

1. We cannot FORCE a woman to leave an abusive situation.

She may leave for a few days or even weeks but IF the decision was not hers, as soon as the abuser calls and makes the slightest caring overture, she will go back. She will convince herself that she made him angry.

She will put the children in harms’ way again.

She will make these decisions because she believes that even THAT man is a better father figure than NO father figure at all!

She feels that she is making the right decisions for her children.

2. We cannot continue to make the victim feel like a failure and place the whole burden of leaving on her head. We MUST try to make it family centric and involve the abuser in the healing process of his family.

If substance abuse is involved we must try to educate the woman about the devastating effects the substances has had in the brain of the abuser and that she cannot really get through because he is not in charge of his thinking … his addictions are in charge.

One of my dear friends Chelsea Berler has just written a book called “The Curious One” and in the book Chelsea’s mother makes a gut wrenching decision to leave the father of her children and love of her life, because of alcohol related issues.

That Mom chose the health of the children and that was brave and honorable.

3. We MUST begin to educate girls and boys about the horrors of domestic violence.

We must ask them to share their stories of personal experience with abuse and teach them how NOT to perpetuate the abuse when they have families.

This is how my journey began. I remember being 12 years old and just having had a “proper beating” and crying softly to myself (because loud crying would be met with another beating.)

I promised myself that if I ever had kids I would NEVER hurt them.

I tried every minute of every day when my kids were in my care to keep that promise. Sometime I failed and I resorted to the yelling and name calling that I experienced.

I tried as quickly as possible to make amends when that happened and I live with the horror of those memories.

There are many more facts I have picked up along the way but none more IMPORTANT than this…

4. Abusers need to be helped to stop abusing.

In the book The Locust Effect: Why the End of Poverty Requires the End of Violence, author Gary Haugen says that the people of Rwanda “did not need someone to bring them a sermon, or food, or a doctor, or a teacher, or a micro-loan. They needed someone to restrain the hand with the machete—and nothing else would do.”

We need to help the abuser to refocus the anger and outrage and to NOT lash out at the partner or the children.

We need to help the abuser to understand their own emotions.

Women need to be helped to use their voices and have a ZERO tolerance policy for any disrespect.

 

I would like to see ads on TV asking brides if it’s ok for her husband to hit her.

I would like to see the wedding industry invest some money in providing conflict resolution classes in their bridal boutiques.

 

I fear this will never happen… But I can still dream.

So I will dream about a world without gender violence and I will continue the work at Indranis Light Foundation and do what I can.

 

What will you do to end violence in your home?

 

 

Love and light,

Indrani

What we do here at ILF….

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10272679_10152456770534048_8792785988925842137_oHere at Indranis Light Foundation we want to END Gender Based Violence, Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner violence … #endGBV, #endIPV.

We don’t just want to end GBV (Gender Based Violence), we want to see your HOME be your place of safety and solitude.

We want to provide tools for you and your family members to work through normal conflict and find new pathways to familial peace and security.

We know that being human means having conflict and differences of opinion.

We also know that every point of conflict is a point of connection if you know how to navigate the challenges and not just lash out while you are in pain and needing to hurt others.

We publish two unique blogs each week and we search the Web for stories that are of use to you and serve as examples for what we are trying to teach.

 

Please take some time to look through the past blogs and see if you can find some answers to your questions.

 

We love to hear from YOU.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Researcher or Drama Queen….

dcbf965b004317b524a5cda135406191I was having a lovely discussion with a very dear friend the other night and I heard her say, “Am I just a drama queen?”

I listened to her words and I listened to her heart and I listened to all the words she and I have spoken over some 6 years.

I tried to look for Drama Queen, but I could not find it.

What I did hear was a woman who was so brilliant that she chooses to unwind her life, experience by experience, to look at it.

She turns over events so as to uncover the deeper truths and meanings behind the things she chooses to do and those things in which she chooses to not do.

Our conversation brought to mind a passage I had just read in Women Who Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

“Three things differentiate living from the soul versus living from the ego only. They are the ability to sense and learn new ways, the tenacity to ride a rough road and the patience to learn deep love over time. The ego, however, has a penchant and proclivity to avoid learning. Patience is not the ego’s strong suit.”

Yes, dear, dear friend, you are fully aligned with your souls’ purpose when you question and turn over and question yet again, the events and lessons that life has given to you.

You do me the honor of speaking aloud your truths, even as you dive for deeper more resounding tidbits.

I am honored to be the one whose ears are privy to such gifts from your soul.

The next time any of us get branded as a drama queen, ask yourself this….

Am I just complaining for the sake of complaining, to wrench some pity from an unsuspecting someone OR I am being a true scientist and researcher by turning over each bit of evidence, patiently waiting to see the truth underneath.

If you do indeed feel like a drama queen, just say it out loud and proud… I am a drama queen, hear ye, hear ye, all my subjects…. and watch people scatter like flies!

Or maybe you can choose to be an inquisitive scientist and look for evidence that your life is taking you exactly where you want to be taken.

You see, it is really just a choice…YOUR choice.
Love and light,
Indrani

Some suitcases look just like yours….

please check luggage carefully…and some lives look just like what you thought you wanted. Open carefully and give back when necessary.

Recently, on a domestic trip, I grabbed the wrong suitcase from the luggage carousel and went to my hotel room.
The suitcase looked exactly like mine until I gave a closer look.

When I tried to open it, I saw that a zip tie had been used to secure the zippers.
Odd, I thought, but I just called down to Guest Services and they sent someone with a pair of scissors.

When the hotel staff member arrived he offered to also cut off the luggage tag and I told him, “Sure, go ahead.” How nice of him.

So now, I did not have the tag to check the name on the suitcase.

I laid the suitcase on the floor and then saw the “heavy” tag which, again, I thought was odd….I did not think it was that heavy. Perhaps I am just really strong!

Then I saw that the outer lining that protected the zipper was torn but I knew that my lining was perfect when I left home.

I opened the suitcase, MY suitcase, and WHOA……
A man’s belt and men’s shoes.
I slammed the suitcase SHUT and immediately called the airline.
I admitted my error, jumped into a taxi and WHEW, my suitcase was patiently waiting and I made the exchange.

The only question I asked was this, “Was the owner of this bag coming home? Did he at least get to go to a home stocked with lots of extra clothes?” She said, “Yes, this is home for him.” The airline person DID NOT even ask for my ID! It was clear to her from the whole story that the suitcase was indeed mine!

How can I turn this into a life lesson?

It took a night’s sleep for the lesson to form. Here goes!
Suppose that the suitcase represented a LIFE that I knowingly signed up for.
So let’s suppose marriage and being a married woman was the lot that was chosen.
How would I know IF the type of marriage (suitcase) was the kind that I signed up for?
I would have to live with the marriage for a while and see how it suited my values and desires.
I would do my best and be my best and respect my husband as I would hope he would respect me.

Suppose that I began to see signs of “Umm, this seems ODD.”
Much like the few times I thought ODD when I further inspected the luggage that was not mine.
I might begin to see that the “fabric” of my soul was being torn and ripped; much like the lining of the bag that I noticed was torn.
I might say, “Whoa, I came into this union whole and complete with good values and morals but now I see things that I did not see before.”
Perhaps, my spouse begins to cheat and get drunk and come home being belligerent. Perhaps, I keep making excuses and deny what I am seeing….a sign that things need to be addressed.

Next, I might be told that “women in this family do not __________.” This could be anything from talking to people outside the family or having to wear certain clothing, to not even showing your face when visitors arrive at your home.

I may continue to think… ODD, this is not the kind of restricted life for which I entered into legal contract!
Like the zip tie that I saw on the zippers that I did not put there, I may have again, not paid in depth attention to the first signs of a shrinking and bound life.

How about the “Heavy” sticker that I saw on the suitcase that was not mine? I may not realize that my feelings of self worth seem to be gone and my heart is heavy with grief. I may again, decide to ignore the signs that things are not what I want for my life.

Until, I take the time to actually OPEN the marriage and LOOK inside, I may NOT realize that what I am seeing is NOT what I want to have in my life.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in “Women Who Run with Wolves” tells us that women who must break from a life that is not what they envisioned must “be able to see and STAND what they see.”

Able to See and Stand what you see!

What a powerful thought.

As far as the suitcase goes, I saw and I clearly understood that IT was not mine and I returned it.

In an abusive marriage, the woman MUST be able to open up her eyes and SEE very clearly that THIS ABUSE is NOT what she had agreed to and that she has been fooled.

Can she STAND to see the truth to save herself?

Please do not think that I am equating an abusive marriage with as simple a thing as a suitcase, I am not. I am only trying to tell you a story that would open up a few new windows in your soul, should you have to make a hard decision about your marriage or any relationship.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes also tells us that a woman MUST be able to answer a few questions and be ok with the responses.
One of these questions is, “What do I know deep in my ovarios that I wished I did not know?”
She refers to ovarios as the mythological part of the women that carries deep wisdom, where the seeds of knowledge are stored.

Life is not as easy as returning a suitcase that belongs to someone else.
It does not have to be as horrific as living with an abuser or predator either.
The choice is that of the one being abused.
The abused MUST be able to stand what she is seeing and make plans to save her life.
The abuser is NOT the one with the internal power.
The ABUSED has the internal power and she has to be willing to look into the darkness and see what only SHE can see.

Be brave and be strong and ASK for help.
Love and light,
Indrani