Tag Archives: frustration

Quit your CFU job….

Don’t worry….there are no curse words in CFU, it means CHIEF FIXER UPPER.2superwoman via annesadovsky
How do you know that you have been promoted to this exhaled position?
Well, it’s the subtle signs;

  • only you can find the cold cuts in the fridge
  • only you can pick up socks from the floor
  • only you can load a dishwasher
  • only you can go to the grocery
  • only you can make an effort at a peaceful relationship

Get the idea?
I am sure that you can come up with a few more examples from your own life.

Did you apply for this job?
If you did, what was the job description like?
Was it a one liner that sounded like, “FIX MY LIFE NOW and FOREVER”?

Check out the Mary Oliver poem called THE JOURNEY.

I believe that Mary Oliver found herself in the CFU job and she had to quit.
I think that her poem was her resignation letter.

What would your resignation letter look like?
It can be a Poem.
It can be a short letter.
It can be a long profound thesis with tons of explanations and life examples… but this may make you more upset when you remember all the stuff that you CHOOSE to take on.

Wait?

What?

CHOOSE to take on?

Uh huh, choose. It may sound harsh that I am telling you to choose to take it on, but really did someone hold a gun to your head to make you do it? If the answer is yes, that a GUN was held to your head, make immediate plans to leave that environment.

So now, let’s just see how you got THAT thankless job.

Were you always a fixer? Were you a “born” helper? Did you get lots of pats on the back for always having the solution? Were people always calling you up so you could fix their issues? Do you feel useless if you are not fixing something or someone?

What would happen if you simply STOPPED all the fixing?
Who would you be upsetting?

Make a list of all the significant folks in your life and put a Y or an N next to their names if they would be upset or not? Then add up all the No people and tell them THANKS for all the support they have given you. Thank them for not expecting you to be the constant Fixer.

Now for the YES people, what to do with them?
The truth is that the issue is with YOU, not them. You have not been able to say NO to these folks who expect you to fix everything. You have trained them to expect you to fix it all.

It may sound harsh but we really do train others how to treat us.
We train them by not speaking our truth.
We train them by not being able to say a NO that respects both them and ourselves.
We train them by assuming that if we do just one more thing, they may leave us alone.
We also assume that we are teaching them something, like maybe how to do it themselves the next time.
They learn nothing but “there she goes again” taking this new load of “crap” off my plate.

A dear friend of mine was on a professional coach call yesterday and a significant member of her family (a grown up), interrupted her to say that SHE needs to call the insurance company to get something done.
Why does SHE need to call?
Why did he interrupt her?

Easy answer…..she trained him over the course of many years to expect that she would “fix” all that was broken, not working, or just plain pissing him off.

Yes, she has a great strength, which is to find solutions, but what do we teach others when WE are the only ones to find the solutions?
What happens when people are so dependent on us and we fall ill or die?
We leave them in a lurch and we leave them helpless.
It may be better if we teach them how to fix their own issues so that both people can take full responsibility for the smooth running of the family.

I know that it is easier said than done. I understand that the people you care about may get angry and say some hurtful things.
What I am asking you to do is to care for yourself and your physical, mental and emotional health as much as you care for theirs.

One of my favorite quotes is this one from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter to us.”

What things matter to you?
I invite you to speak them to a trusted friend, not complaining about all that you must do, but rather, what steps you will take to do less and have the able bodied people in your life do more.

Love and light,

Indrani, Former CFU.

Anatomy of Disappointment…..

 

What happens to us when we feel disappointed? We know that we feel let down or ignored or invisible, and a host of many other feelings….but WHY?waiting via thinkstock
What causes me to feel so let down?
Something quite disappointing happened to me a few weeks ago and in the midst of a tsunami of feelings, I kept asking myself….
What is my lesson here?
I have to admit that I am sometimes sick of the lessons. Just when I think everything is fine, WHAM…another damn lesson!

Disappointment is usually a surprise. If it is not a surprise and you are expecting to be disappointed, that is a habitual way of living. If we are in relationships where we are usually disappointed, then that is more about the choices we are making, as opposed to what the other people are doing.

Let me break it down like this.
Let’s say that I make frequent lunch dates with Jackie and she is ALWAYS late and I am always disappointed. Why do I continue to make lunch dates with Jackie?
Maybe I need to ask Jackie if lunchtime is bad for her and decide on a better time.
Maybe Jackie really likes me and really wants to meet with me, but is afraid to suggest another time because she thinks I am super busy.
It is incumbent upon me to have a real conversation with Jackie so we can set up better times to meet.
If, however, Jackie laughs and tells me she is always late, then we have another issue.
I have had people tell me that they are always late and they laugh it off. I usually say that I find it rude and selfish for people to think that being late is “just the way it is.”

Disappointment is part of life and it is up to us to handle the everyday disappointments with finesse and humanity. We have to be able to forgive and get on with what’s important. If the disappointments keep piling on and they are from the same people, then you have to have a “powwow” to find out the root cause.

If you do nothing, nothing will change.
We are in charge of our lives and we teach people how to treat us.

Love & light,

Indrani

Fair fight…..if only!

Fair fight…..if only!women-working-out1 via blog.itriagehealth

Yes, if only all of our fights could be fair and above the belt.
That’s so hard to do though, isn’t it?

We feel attacked and we strike back.
It’s that old fight or flight, right?
I can either run away or I can slam you right back.

Are there other choices?

There are other choices….but only for those who REALLY want to change.
There are other choices….but only for those who understand that they can only change themselves.
There are other choices….but only if you intend to invest the time to build a new muscle.

Have you ever gone to a gym and started a weight training program?
Did you start with the MOST weight on the rack?
If you did, did it work out for you?
I hope that you started out with smaller weights, even 3 lbs…especially for the small muscles like the triceps.
The small muscles fatigue a lot quicker than the larger thigh or butt muscles.

Let’s expand this triceps training metaphor to your resolve to fight fair.
When you start, the resolve is small and you can only hold the fight fair tenets for a short time. Then you fall back into the old habits that you have down pat.
You lob name for name, insult for insult and then you choose your partners weakest spot and WHAM! Then one of you falls first, and the other feels vindicated.
If you were to verbalize what the original fight was about you might not even remember.
Your head would be filled with “well she said my mother is horrible” or “how dare he say that I am a bitch?”

The list is endless.

The real issue is again buried under the rubble from this most recent battle.

So do you give up?
If you do what will happen?
Things will not change.
You will feel the same way next week, next month and next year about the things that irritate you today.

How then do you withstand the emotional onslaught without striking back?
It is as simple as a DECISION to STOP the WAR!
I mean STOP contributing to the war.
I mean stop the lobbying of the insults.
I mean SHUT UP!
I mean to walk out of the room.
I mean to withdraw your emotional investment from the fight at hand.
I also mean to STOP pretending that anyone is actually winning!

The pretense that there is actually a winner in all this personal rancor and nastiness is epic!
Epic Pretense is pretending that nasty will get your loved ones to:
1. Love you the way you want
2. Give you compliments
3. Clean up their mess
4. Do whatever you say they should do.

When is the best time to start these new action items?

Well, it would be great if you (the warring parties) could have a peaceful conversation when there is nothing “hot” going on.
Then together you can decide on some ground rules.
If there is no chance for a peaceful conversation, then YOU have to take the high road and begin to implement the peace treaty by yourself.
How can that look?
You can tell yourself that you will not accept name calling. If it happens you will leave the room.
You can also decide that cursing is not allowed in your home and if it happens you will leave the room.
These changes will not be magically manifested…you will have to work at it (like starting with the 3 lb weights during a tricep exercise). You will tire easily, but keep it up.
Slowly you will see that changes are occurring and then you will have to take a deeper look at what it all means for the rest of life.

There is a lot of work that goes into lifting 3lbs with your triceps to being able to lift 35lbs. It is possible, but only with consistent training and proper care of your whole body.
Likewise, it is possible to stop being at war with each other, but only if it is something you really want. You must want it as surely as you want a plentiful supply of oxygen and clean water.
Oxygen and water are essential to living.
Fighting fair is essential to a LIFE worth living!

Love and light,
Indrani

Guilty until proven innocent…

No, that is not a typo.

What happens in our own minds when we feel someone has wronged us?

We immediately sentence them, don’t we? We KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are GUILTY of whatever we are thinking.

There is NO jury that can convince us otherwise.

There is NO ONE who can talk us out of the litany of offenses and the amount of times that they have wronged us. We are the JUDGE and the JURY.

We begin to “build a case” in our minds and we have long running mental tirades with ourselves. We become more and more convinced that they not only committed the crime but they premeditated it and all because they hate us. Yes, we begin to write such far out scripts that soon we don’t even remember what their latest offense was…only that WE WERE ABSOLUTELY OFFENDED!

So let me suggest a way for you to move through this.

When you are:
Pissed off
Ticked off
Frustrated
Very Angry
Ready to Explode
Exploding

Ask yourself this question. WHO must do WHAT to make you feel better?

Fill in the sentence below:

________________________ (insert offender) must do ____________________________ (insert action they must do) so that I can stop being _________________________ (insert emotion). When ____________________ does ____________________ then I will feel___________________________.

Really take your time with these sentences. Read and reread to be sure it accuses the right person and be sure you have determined precisely what they must do to atone for their behaviors/words etc.

Now take a marker and cross out THEIR name and insert the pronoun “I”.
Really? Really? YES, really!

You alone are responsible for your feelings.
Please be aware that this exercise does NOT apply to abuse of any sort.
If you are experiencing any form of abuse PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY.

If this is NOT about abuse, then these exercises will help you to focus on WHO is in charge of YOUR emotions.

Remember, no one can make you feel anything without your permission.

Love and light
Indrani

 

I forgive myself….

I forgive myself for holding a grudge against you.

I forgive myself for allowing the past hurt to etch new wounds on old scars.

I have been holding on to a deep grudge for over 20 years. Yes, 20 years and I am quite ashamed to admit it. Even as I express to myself and all who would listen that I have changed, this grudge I will not let go of.

Let’s get it out there. Shall we?

20 plus years ago I was at a funeral and I approached someone with whom I had been feuding. We actually had been feuding together, and doing a great job. A jab here, a sarcastic comment there, a nasty look when we thought no one was paying attention, and so on. We were great adversaries.

At the funeral, I wanted to call it quits and I approached this person and said something to the effect of life being short and we never know when…blah, blah, blah.

I asked if we could drop the past and start over.

They said NO.

They said that I would have to prove myself and my intentions TO THEIR SATISFACTION.

Oh Really?

GAME ON!!!

From that day on, they were my sworn enemy. Every time I got a chance, I was distant and cold and unfriendly and I enjoyed the game. BTW, my opponent was quite formidable.

We would pretend to hug and kiss each other in front of others, but if we saw each other at the store, we would look straight thru each other.

People from far and wide could see the great divide. Neither of us cared!

Fast forward 20 plus years, and I am TIRED OF THE GAME!

If I die tomorrow, I do NOT want to take this well played game to my grave.

I do not want the rules of this game etched onto my heart any more.

What once gave me great joy and guilty pleasure now makes me sad and makes me feel less than human.

YOU WIN… I GIVE UP.

YOU MAY PLAY ALONE.

I AM DONE.

I HAVE NO MORE ENERGY TO INVEST IN HATING/DISLIKING OR MALIGNING YOU.

There, I’ve said it.

It feels good not to have to dig for the hurtful memories and to relay to people the how and whys I am still at war.

I am putting down my weapons.

I will still keep on my armor, especially over my heart, but I will no longer throw offensive or defensive moves.

I will move out of the way of jabs and insults.

I may even say something like, “I am tired of this exhausting game so you win”

 

Now how do I move forward?

I must find the courage to forget all the history. I must find the courage to see God in that person.

I must focus on that person’s good qualities, the ones I admire.

As I focus on their strengths, I will heal myself of all the rancor of the past and hopefully expel the pent up toxicity and enable my heart to be free of past pain.

If I am truthful, they have not been on my radar for quite a while, and it’s only when I am going to be in their presence that my claws want to come out.

So, I will keep my claws nicely manicured and polished and use them as a decorative feature not a hidden weapon.

 

I forgive me.

Such a small sentence.

Such a powerful sentiment.

Congrats to me, I am a courageous being.

 

You all know the lesson here.

Will you step into the courageous act of forgiving yourself for something/s you have done?

Good luck, it may take a while, but it’s worth the journey.

 

Love and light

Indrani

What is an OUTCAST?

What is an OUTCAST?
What is an INCAST?

The Webster dictionary describes an OUTCAST as a person who is rejected, degraded or expelled and driven from home or society.

So what does this mean to the INCASTS?

Do they reach out to the outcasts to try to find out if they are hurting? Do the outcasts try to reach back? Do outcasts know that they are considered outcasts?

Who makes the decision about which CAST you are in?

I am NOT smart enough to have any answers to these questions.
I only know that YET another shooting has occurred and more incasts are dead.
More incasts were terrorized by the outcast.

Can we AFFORD to hide behind these terms?

If you feel like an OUTCAST, please reach out for help…
and all you INCASTS, please reach out also and take someone by the hand.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/28/tj-lane-chardon-high-school-suspect_n_1306511.html#s733488

He said, she said…

This age old story gets us nowhere fast!

Want to hear about another story that’s just like a dog trying to
catch his tail?

It goes like this:
Person A says, “You said you hated me!”
Person B says “I meant when you make fun of me. You make me feel stupid!”
Person A “If you say you hate me, you must mean it or you are stupid!”
Person B “God, if only you would just listen, but you always jump down my throat!”

Get it?

I am sure you have been here at some time or another.
This fight is not going anywhere good. Someone will get hurt…either
emotionally, physically or both.

What is this fight about?
It could be about frustration or desperation or lack of any emotion.

I know people who never speak when things are “good” so the only time
they communicate is when they are angry.

If this is you…
STOP
STOP NOW!
You are going nowhere fast.
Someone is looking to place blame and someone is looking to be rescued.
Both brains are in screech mode and what’s more, both adults have left the room.
The people screaming at each other are two tantrum-throwing 5 year olds.
You need to find a way to “tap out” like wrestlers.

If this is a diagnosis of your relationship, get some help. Get some
clarity for yourself.
Go to a minister or a therapist or a VERY trusted friend.
You need a neutral person.

BTW, when you do decide to get help, remember to work on YOU!
You are the only person you can change.
Yep, that sucks, but that’s a fact.

Change the face in the mirror.

What’s your kryptonite?

Do you all remember superman?

It used to make me cry when he was tricked into coming into contact
with kryptonite. Of course, back then I was but a mere child.
Why then, do I feel like a mere child when I get close to some of my
kryptonite substances?
Please allow me to explain.

I would say that most of the time, I am strong, confident and
secure. THEN, something happens and I want to fall to my knees and
stay in a fetal position.
These “things” that happen can be as simple as:
Someone giving me the silent treatment or the cold shoulder. I
immediately go into a tsunami of thoughts about what I HAVE DONE
WRONG.

When I am in this “I am such a loser” phase, I almost want to jump
out of my skin to make amends.
Make amends for what?

I stitch together instances of when I think I may have wronged them
and I try to find behaviors that would absolve me of these sins.
A lot of the time, it just looks like begging for forgiveness for the
errors of my ways, or completely forgetting my life’s dreams in favor
of whatever they want.

Recently, I had plans with a friend to do something fun. The day
before the event, I asked for timing details and was
promptly told, with a look of sheer frustration that the event was the
next week. I said “no, it can’t be! I will be out of town”.
I was stunned. I had this on my calendar since OCT 2011.
The person then turned and left the room without a single word. I was
surrounded by kryptonite.

I screwed up, I am a bad friend and I can never get dates right…

Then I rushed to my computer, found the email with the date that I
had saved and rushed to show it to my friend. They looked at it and
said NOT A SINGLE WORD. Not even an “oh boy, I should check this out”.

Of course I thought: I should cancel my trip and I should apologize to
the other parties involved. Until I screamed at myself, “YOU DID
NOTHING WRONG. YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT. PEOPLE SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING
TO YOU, DAMMIT!”

I had to walk away from my stinking thinking and hope that the
kryptonite didn’t creep up on me when I was asleep.

So, what’s your kryptonite?

Love and light,

Indrani

You can buy a tiger but you can’t buy common sense!

I have right to have whatever I want in my home.
I have a right to be safe from my crazy neighbors.
The city has a right to protect the larger community.
First responders put themselves in danger when things go wrong.

I was really enthralled in the conversation when one of the first responders said:

“You can buy a tiger, but you can’t buy common sense”

At first I chuckled, but began to see this statement as wiser than it
first seems.

I can buy a tiger without any currency exchange.
I can summon up that tiger in me at the drop of a hat.
I can jump out of a perfectly smooth day into rage and fierce anger
when I DECIDE that someone is infringing on my rights.
We see this behavior in teenagers all the time.

A teenager might say “I have the right to my own life, just leave me alone”
and the very next minute they need money or your car.

A grown person might say
“I have the right to a satisfying relationship and my
partner is too boring. I deserve to have that affair, or to just dump
my partner”
We see and read about this behavior all the time.

The next time you decide to inhabit the fierce animal within, act as
if it would be easier to purchase some common sense instead.
It’s a lot harder than grabbing hold of the raging beast but in the
long run, it is much easier on you, your family and the community at
large.

Let’s think LONG term solutions, let’s think common sense.
Let the raging animal slink back into its well furnished cave. Don’t
worry; it’s never really that far away.
I guarantee it will poke its head out in a few minutes.
Beware the beast within!

Love and light,

Indrani

If you build it… Will they really come?

ehow.com

What if you build something, or create something or plan something and
people say they will attend. Yes, they are sure that they will come.

So you invest time, money, energy, etc, and you are pumped, and you
are energized and you are ready.

The day has finally arrived, with all the planning, all the reminders. You get into your car and drive to the venue. You check all the
systems that need to be checked. You wait and wait and wait. The time of performance is here, the music starts and you realize that
only a handful of people have shown up. You keep calm and carry on all the while wondering how could it be that it all fell apart?

This, dear friend, is what happened on 12/18/2011.

I had been asked by several people to plan a Christmas flash mob. So I did.
I kept asking people are you sure that you are coming. I could still cancel, if there was no interest. But, I was constantly reminded that
there was interest.

How does it feel to put time and love and attention into something that fizzles at the last moment?

Here’s what NOT to do!

Do Not Take It Personally!
It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with every individual who did not show. I am sure that they all wanted to be there, but life happens, and in their lives things happened that kept them away.

Was I sad?
YES, I was sad!

Was I confused?
YES, I was confused.

Did I wonder if I had somehow screwed up?
YES, I thought that I had screwed up.

How could I have screwed up?
Did I not do enough reminders on FB?
Was the planning lacking?

I do not have answers to any of those questions.
I only know that I tried my best.
At the end of the day, that is all any of us can do.
Do our best.
If it’s not good enough for anyone, well that’s just too bad.

Easy to say, harder to believe.
I encourage you this holiday, to just do YOUR best.

THEN LET IT GO.
Happiness, joy and peace this the holiday season of 2011
Love and light
Indrani