Ever walk into a room and instantly notice that something smells? Stale smoke, mold, mildew. A habit like smoking lingers…so even if you are not the smoker and you are breathing the smoke second hand, you can be effected. The toxins stick.
Toxic people and situations stick to stuff.
Abuse not only affects the victim and those who may be witnesses but as a party several degrees removed, you still can sense the anger and fear. Perhaps it is a broken lamp, a noticeable bruise or wound, a torn piece of clothing, a broken window…the violence now affects you. You may feel scared, fearful, and angry at the perpetrator. You find yourself walking on egg shells in a play that has ended but the signs are still there. Now you have the toxins.
The toxins of verbal abuse resonate beyond the fight. A husband and wife argue. The wife saturated with the toxins of her husband’s venom then pushes those toxins out to her children. You are at the playground or school and you see the kids now fighting using the same words they heard at home, the name calling, the demeaning talk. Now those toxins from the original argument have affected those who are unaware of the verbal toxins of the home. Now they have affected innocent people outside of the original dumping ground.
We expose ourselves to third party toxins from events, habits, situations we never knew existed but we walk away changed and not for the good. Some of those toxins may even trigger dormant hurts from our past like shame, fear, and helplessness. We have to rely on our sixth sense, our intuition or our gut to remove ourselves from these poisons so that we do not suffer or get injured.
Have you ever been in a room where you could feel the tension and you know something just happened? Have you felt the shame as someone calls another worthless, and you take on that shame as if it was your own?
We need to listen to our intuition to save us from the ugly toxins that surround us. Do you have the courage to walk away in these situations?
I have been reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ Women Who Run with Wolves and I came upon these two words… Malignant Impulses.
I stopped dead in my tracks and tried to digest these two words that she so magically strung together.
The dictionary defines Malignant as “passionately and relentlessly malevolent” and “evil in nature, influence or effect.” Some other words that are similar to malignant are:
We really do know DEEP down that to have a malignancy in one’s life is a straight path to hell, then imminent death.
Impulse is defined as, “a force so communicated as to produce motion suddenly” and “a propensity or natural tendency OTHER than rational.”
If we speak English, we KNOW how powerful the stringing of Malignant is with Impulse.
We GET the meaning in our gut. We have a visceral understanding of these words.
It really does not matter what the dictionary says, we all know the energy of malignant. A malignant tumor is one that will kill you.
It screams aggression and it also screams that life as you know it will be forever changed.
We also know (if we are honest with ourselves) and understand impulses.
If you have children you have invested thousands of hours in helping them to control impulses…especially in the classroom.
If I had a penny for every time I tried to teach impulse control, I would have LOTS of money.
When we think of abuse we can see how malignant impulse can be applied and it makes sense.
People who use abuse can be called malignant beings. They infect others with their special brand of pain or cruelty.
They always have their reasons, like so and so did not do what was asked so they HAD to be taught a lesson, punished and beaten back into submission.
The impulse that the abuser feels to impose their view of the world on someone else is often so fierce that they will not stand for any other words for their request but YES.
Telling an abuser NO makes them crazy and their malignancy comes flying out of their soul.
Acid Attacks are one such example of malignant impulses.
I met a young woman in Delhi whose name is Laxmi. She was 15 when a 32 year old man asked her to marry him.
He was a malignant being. She said no and he threw acid in her face and disfigured her for life.
He DID NOT, however, kill her spirit.
She is now an activist working with a campaign to STOP ACID ATTACKS.
She is a special brand of hero. Underneath all of her burned skin…she shines as brightly as 10,000 suns.
We may not be able to stop malignant people from their malignant impulses but we may be able to use our intuition to stay away from such nasty beings.
If you think you are in danger of someone’s malignant impulses, PLEASE try to get help. Tell LOTS of people what you suspect. Do NOT allow people to talk you out of your intuitive knowing.
You must be vigilant for your own welfare.
In the USA, acid attacks take the form of gun violence and you must be hyper vigilant of your surroundings.
“We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.” J. Dryden
I am taking a class in Positive Psychology and my teacher, Tal, just allowed the wonderful quote above to escape!
I say escape because I felt that this quote freed me from something, but what?
As I write this, I do not know the answer to this question….and that’s okay. Actually it is more than ok. It is ok because NOW I KNOW that I will be actively searching my own life and behaviors to unearth what habits are “making me”.
I will use brushes that gently move the dirt and sand from an investigated habit, because using heavy machinery will only expose huge lumps of habits and not allow me to actually SEE what they are.
In plain language, I will not herald pompous proclamations that I will drastically change. I will whisper the change to myself and allow my mind, heart and intuition to guide me to the next place of excavation.
Let me give you a real life example.
In the past few weeks, I experienced a huge disappointment with someone close to me. I was not in a place where I could easily amend the situation. I was in a foreign country and did not have access to all that I needed to address what was happening. The only things I had were my heart, my mind, my intuition and my habits.
I now realize that I chose to investigate how I had habitually dealt with huge disappointments.
In the past, I would scream and yell, allow nasty words to escape from my mouth and make huge proclamations of what I would do in the future if this EVER happened again. I would let off steam that would quickly dissipate, but it left behind bad will and very hurt feelings. This time, I knew at some level that I did not want to act like this screaming heebeegeebee.
But what should I do? How should I act?
I tried for 24 hours to push it away…in other words, use heavy machinery and dredge the hurt out of me.
It did not work.
The next 24 hours, I saw the habit rear its ugly head and it wanted to charge full bore into the perpetrator…it wanted to destroy!
I witnessed all this happening in my body and I was shocked at the internal war that was going on. The habit did not want to give up…it was as though it had a mind of its own.
I cried a lot about it and in between the bouts of tears I kept asking, what is my lesson here?
What is my lesson here?
I did not receive any God-like voice telling me the lesson. I so very much wanted a definitive lesson that would allow my pain to dissipate.
My pain did not disappear.
I had to rise above my pain, rise above my tears, and find a solution while in the jaws of the disappointment.
It took me about 6 hours to arrive at a solution that I could live with, that would sustain my humanity and also allow the perpetrator to sustain theirs.
Some of the questions I had to answer while in pain were:
What are you here for?
Who are you here for?
Is this situation a deal breaker for your being here?
Do you respect all the players in this scenario?
Do you believe that people can make mistakes?
Will harping of someone’s faults help you to find a solution here?
As I allowed the answers to these and other questions to float into my consciousness, I felt the tears drying up and I began to focus on how to make the best of a really bad situation. I also reminded myself that no one died and no one had a brain tumor.
So I rose above the monster disappointment and I managed to participate at the event. I was not 100% myself, but I also had not allowed the habit of flying off the handle to derail me entirely.
How will you KNOW when the HABIT monster rears its massive head?
You will know because you will want to strike out, strike at and annihilate the person you are blaming.
That is when you have to RUN in the opposite direction. That is when you have to force yourself to step off of the bulldozer and pick up the littlest paint brush and take your time to uncover the layers of dirt and grime that have accumulated over the years.
This is when you have to be the best human you can be, all the while allowing your human emotions.
It takes patience and practice, but you have the time!
Time will be your friend if you let it!
How many of us now depend on devices that help us to navigate our way to a new destination? The answer is lots of us.
How many of us refuse to tune into our inner GPS to find the way to Peace and Joy? The answer is LOTS of us.
While it is easy to just put an address into your device and get directions, you still must do a few things:
-You must keep the device charged so you can use it.
-You have to learn how to input the address and where to find the app that gives the directions.
-You have to have the presence of mind to closely follow the directions and make the turns that it suggests or you will not get to where you want to go.
This is also true of our internal GPS. Yes, we all have one.
The inner GPS is called intuition. Your intuition will give you hints of Yes and No when you are turning in a direction that is not aligned with the work you were sent here to do. Your work may or may not coincide with the job you have. If it does, you will feel joyful and fulfilled even if there are many struggles in your life. If, however, your job makes you depleted and sad, then your work that you are meant to do is far from what you do daily.
There is a quick fix for this. Yes, a quick fix.
Your intuition wants to steer you into the work you are meant to do and it can if you begin to feel grateful for all the things that you have, even the challenges. Being able to stay present in the midst of challenge and being grateful for the lesson in the challenge is the quickest way to JOY. I promise you, this really does work.
Every night before bed, I write at least 5 things that I am grateful for and I go to bed with gratitude in my head and heart. The “S” in the GPS is for self-care. That means that you put yourself at the TOP of each list you have, and you must be sure you do something for yourself each day. It can be as simple as allowing the answering machine to get the phone calls for a short time while you do a special something. It can be reading a good book, taking a bath, sitting in silence, listening to your favorite music, chatting with a treasured friend, etc. These snippets of self care do not have to look like taking a whole weekend off to go to the spa, although that’s good too!
Waiting for the “right” moment for self-care is a great way to put off self-care. It is a good way to fool yourself into thinking that you have made yourself a priority.
If you are a subscriber to my newsletter, you have received my 5 minutes to Happiness tool that allows you to quickly tap into your positive traits. If you are brave enough to align your behaviors with your positive traits you will have found a quick way to follow your inner GPS.
Give this a try for 7 days. I would love to hear how it works for you!
Love and light
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