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When I hear the word Ninja, I think of a person who is stealthy, nimble and agile and uses the forces of his opponents to his advantage.
He only fights when necessary, and then too, only to defend himself or his family, or to right a terrible wrong.
My father is a Ninja.
He never let on to any of his three children how difficult it was to put food on the table. He never allowed us to suffer the stigma of “poverty” and always found ways to provide what we needed to succeed as students and young people. He encouraged all of our friends to visit, sleep over (often in drunken hazes when we were teenagers) and never once do I remember him lecturing or making us feel like losers for our immature behaviors.
He always led with love and followed with well placed stories with metaphorical lessons that somehow always made sense.
As my father lays in a sedated coma due to a severe stroke, we his children are left to remember the greatness of the Ninja skills he wielded so magnificently and we are left to wonder IF we managed to become the adults he always believed we could be and if we told him we loved him and showed it as much as we could.
I am so grateful that he never considered that his daughters be married off at young ages so that he would be relieved of our care.
He always stressed as much education as we were capable of and never wavered in his belief in our abilities to become fully functioning members of society.
I read about fathers and mothers who sell children into prostitution as a solution to bring money to the family. I cannot even imagine what my father would say to theses practices.
I read about parents dragging their girls out of school so that they can take care of the house and the younger siblings. I cannot even imagine what my Ninja father would say about that.
I cannot imagine lots of atrocities that I hear about fathers around the world. I am grateful that I had a DAD who would have given his last ounce of blood to keep his children safe and secure.
My father was a Ninja and as he sleeps in his coma, I can only hope that his dreams are of better times with me in Texas, where he loved to be.
He loved to go to the giant grocery stores and to buy what he wanted and came home to cook it for me and my children.
He loved driving my son to elementary school almost 25 miles away from home while I took care of a new baby.
He loved to go to Target and to be able to buy whatever his heart desired and it always desired very little.
If he had two pairs of pants, it was enough.
If he had four, he would say something like, “but I can only wear one pair at a time while I wash the other one.”
He was not a hoarder of material goods. He spent wisely and knew the value of a dollar.
My Ninja father taught me so very much and most of all he taught me the value of the relationship between Father and Daughter.
A bond that should never be taken lightly.
A bond that sets up the girl for a life of happiness or dread.
A bond that cements the way a girl feels about men.
My father, the Ninja, is my everything.
He is and will always be my hero.
Dad, As you sleep know that I respect what you have taught me and I hope to continue to make you proud.
Love and light,
Daughter of Ralph Augustine Nathu.
I forgive myself for holding a grudge against you.
I forgive myself for allowing the past hurt to etch new wounds on old scars.
I have been holding on to a deep grudge for over 20 years. Yes, 20 years and I am quite ashamed to admit it. Even as I express to myself and all who would listen that I have changed, this grudge I will not let go of.
Let’s get it out there. Shall we?
20 plus years ago I was at a funeral and I approached someone with whom I had been feuding. We actually had been feuding together, and doing a great job. A jab here, a sarcastic comment there, a nasty look when we thought no one was paying attention, and so on. We were great adversaries.
At the funeral, I wanted to call it quits and I approached this person and said something to the effect of life being short and we never know when…blah, blah, blah.
I asked if we could drop the past and start over.
They said NO.
They said that I would have to prove myself and my intentions TO THEIR SATISFACTION.
From that day on, they were my sworn enemy. Every time I got a chance, I was distant and cold and unfriendly and I enjoyed the game. BTW, my opponent was quite formidable.
We would pretend to hug and kiss each other in front of others, but if we saw each other at the store, we would look straight thru each other.
People from far and wide could see the great divide. Neither of us cared!
Fast forward 20 plus years, and I am TIRED OF THE GAME!
If I die tomorrow, I do NOT want to take this well played game to my grave.
I do not want the rules of this game etched onto my heart any more.
What once gave me great joy and guilty pleasure now makes me sad and makes me feel less than human.
YOU WIN… I GIVE UP.
YOU MAY PLAY ALONE.
I AM DONE.
I HAVE NO MORE ENERGY TO INVEST IN HATING/DISLIKING OR MALIGNING YOU.
There, I’ve said it.
It feels good not to have to dig for the hurtful memories and to relay to people the how and whys I am still at war.
I am putting down my weapons.
I will still keep on my armor, especially over my heart, but I will no longer throw offensive or defensive moves.
I will move out of the way of jabs and insults.
I may even say something like, “I am tired of this exhausting game so you win”
Now how do I move forward?
I must find the courage to forget all the history. I must find the courage to see God in that person.
I must focus on that person’s good qualities, the ones I admire.
As I focus on their strengths, I will heal myself of all the rancor of the past and hopefully expel the pent up toxicity and enable my heart to be free of past pain.
If I am truthful, they have not been on my radar for quite a while, and it’s only when I am going to be in their presence that my claws want to come out.
So, I will keep my claws nicely manicured and polished and use them as a decorative feature not a hidden weapon.
I forgive me.
Such a small sentence.
Such a powerful sentiment.
Congrats to me, I am a courageous being.
You all know the lesson here.
Will you step into the courageous act of forgiving yourself for something/s you have done?
Good luck, it may take a while, but it’s worth the journey.
Love and light
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