One Sunday night, I was watching the Mentalist on TV (LOVE that show) and one of the male detectives asked his male partner if he should get married.
The partner simple said, “You want it to be my call?”
Simply Brilliant Writing!
How often though do we ask others about some of the MOST important decisions in our lives?
We PRETEND that others have more wisdom about our own selves than we do.
It has to be a pretense because YOU are your own expert.
The trick to accessing your wisdom is to be silent and to ask yourself a simple question about the “thing” you are trying to evaluate.
Let’s do an example:
Let’s say you have met someone and want to know if you should go on a date. Instead of calling up all your friends who HAVE NOT MET this person, sit in silence and look for signs in your body of serenity and peacefulness and YES, excitement.
Not an anxious excitement, but a buzzing and soft excitement that alerts you to something sweet about to happen.
In order to access these messages you will have to practice with everyday decisions and get fluent in understanding your own body and the way it talks to you.
It will help to do meditation on a fairly regular basis and you will learn how to “read” your body.
We all have people like this in our lives. They just seem to get under our skin. They know just what to say and when to say it and before you know it you are upset, crying or yelling and it feels like they have won….again.
This used to happen to me all the time. It used to feel like I walked into the trap and stayed in the trap even as I saw they were springing it on me….again!
The one BIG mistake that I used to make was this… I used to think that the people who did this to me cared about me.
When I began to realize that these people only liked to hear themselves talk, it was easier for me to untangle myself from their traps. I began to really listen to their words, the ACTUAL words, and I began to ASK them what they meant?
When a family member says, “Well that’s just how you are.”
I now say, “What exactly do you mean?”
I noticed that the speaker would do a double take and would begin to trip over their words.
They began to say things like, “Oh, nothing really.” Or “Well I was just making a joke.”
Then I could say, “What was the joke?” Or “Was the joke at MY expense?”
I chose to react in this way until I felt that I broke the other person of their behaviors with me.
I chose to uninstall the buttons that used to be pushed all the time.
I must tell you, it takes time and patience but it was well worth my time an attention.
It was worth the time investment because it showed that I respected myself and that I expected others to respect me as well.
Just to reiterate my strategy:
I. I would ask for clarity.
2. I would ask for further clarity.
3. I would then pin point the “dig” and ask for even more clarity.
Please note that I was NOT concerned on who would like me, or who would judge me. I only focused on standing up for myself.
Love and light,
Indrani (Reminding you to stand up for yourself in the face of verbal bullies.)
Think about who you have to listen to each day and have a conversation with, or communicate with daily:
The people sitting next to you
The check out person at the store
The list can go on and on….
With all of phone calls, texts, emails and face-to-face conversations that go on during the course of a day we could be listening to 10’s and for some 100’s of people a day.
Let’s imagine a conversation with our best friend.
ME: Hi! How ya doing? How’s your day?
FRIEND: Well, today I am tired and I just don’t have any energy.
ME: Oh really? I am sorry to hear that. Why? FRIEND: Yes. I am really dragging, I am a little down.
ME: Oh, are you getting enough sleep? Eating well? Are you sick? FRIEND: No, I did not get enough sleep. I’m not sick. Maybe I am not eating enough veggies and I’m eating too much junk food, maybe that is it….
ME: What can I do to help? Why don’t you turn the phone off and take a nap. Your work/laundry/cleaning/ will still be there when you wake up. But you’ll feel better. Oh, I know, finish up what you have to get done and call it a day. Take a bath and just start fresh tomorrow.
Does this conversation sound familiar?
Notice that nowhere in the list of people we listen to everyday, who we talk with, do we take the time to have a quiet conversation with ourselves. Let’s take that same conversation and switch roles of our best friend with ourselves, our bodies.
ME: Hi how ya doing? How’s your day? MYSELF: Well, today I am tired and I just don’t have any energy.
ME: Oh really why? Come on shake it off, it’s a work day you know… MYSELF: I am really dragging, I am a little down.
ME: Oh you had four, almost five hours sleep. It’s almost the weekend, toughen up. Maybe a Starbucks or a Coke will pick you up…the day will be over soon. MYSELF: No, I did not get enough sleep. I’m not sick. Maybe I am not eating enough veggies and I’m eating too much junk food, maybe that is it….
ME: Listen, just push through the day, let’s get our work/laundry/cleaning done and cross it off the list. We’ll try to go to bed early. Hey the weekend is coming and maybe we can take a nap then. Snap to it!
The first conversation with our friends is a kind, warm and compassionate conversation. The second is cold, uncaring and demanding.
Why is it that we are the hardest on ourselves?
Take some time to listen to your heart, mind and body. Show it the same warmth, caring and compassion as you would your best friend or even your child.
We should always take time to have a conversation with ourselves and listen closely to what we need.
Donate to Indrani’s Light Foundation
Your donation will be used towards eradicating gender violence, training community leaders and sharing behaviour-change tools with people who are ready to leave violence behind and create a brighter, more peaceful world.