Welcome to Episode #20 of the Live a Brighter Life Podcast!
In this episode of the Live a Brighter Life Podcast Indrani speaks with Andrea Scher. You will learn:
Andrea’s personal story and experience with “hiding her light” as a child.
How Andrea practices encourage and compassion to live “big.”
What is the difference between joy and happiness?
Are you measuring your “joy factor?” Are you “joyful” enough?
Indrani looks at how she can use this teaching to help women live a brighter, more joyful life.
A little about Andrea Scher
Andrea Scher is the creator of Superhero Life where she believes we all learn together to use our voices, share our superpowers and live life in full color. As an artist, photographer, life coach + mentor, Andrea redefines what it means to be a SUPERHERO — ‘cause in her world, it’s got nothing to do with capes, spandex or sidekicks and everything to do with tenderness, intuition & baby steps of bravery. See more at www.superherolife.com
In some situations you may not be able to replace your feelings of shame with guilt. In these moments, guilt may not be the appropriate emotion, but what about humiliation and embarrassment?
Humiliation is a feeling that stems from an experience that causes you to lose your prestige, standing, or self-respect. Humiliation says “I didn’t deserve this.”
Embarrassment is a feeling that stems from an experience that causes you to lose your composure, usually due to bad judgement or vulnerability. It is a more fleeting sense of discomfort. Embarrassment says “one day this will be funny.”
Shame says “I am bad”
Guilt says “I have done something bad”
Humiliation says “I didn’t deserve this”
Embarrassment says “one day this will be funny”
Using these four definitions:
Think of a time when you have experienced shame.
Ask yourself: Which definition (guilt, humiliation, embarrassment) do I choose to replace shame with?
How are you different once you reframe the shame you felt?
You can choose to not feel shame. If, instead, you can live these definitions in life you can choose what you feel and choose a better description.
Share your experience with shifting from shame to guilt, humiliation, or embarrassment in the comments below:
Shame says “I am bad,” leading you to feeling powerless and invisible.
But what if what you are actually experiencing is guilt?
Guilt says “I have done something bad”
This is a big difference. Shame makes you believe that you, as a person, are bad, while guilt shows the truth of the situation: you are a good person who has, at this certain point in time, done something bad.
Guilt can be a healthy emotion when used constructively to hold you accountable to the person you want to be. Guilt can guide you to see that you have done something bad, so you can make a commitment to not repeat the action.
Replacing shame with guilt, moving from “I am bad” to “I have done something bad” can guide you towards making positive change in your life.
In order to better understand guilt and how to replace shame with guilt you can:
Write down some of your own reasons for feeling personal guilt.
Write down times in your life when you have felt shame.
Compare your “guilt list” to your “shame list.” Can you shift some of these shame experiences into guilt experiences?
What opens up for you as you make this shift from “I am bad” to “I have done something bad” Share your thoughts below:
Have you delivered you first “Yes! No. Yes?” to someone? If so, congratulations! Did they accept your NO?
If they didn’t, it is time to move on to Plan B.
Plan B is a second, or back up plan that addresses your core interest and supports your original Yes! that is not dependent on the other person being involved. Plan B is not retaliation, not anger, and not a threat, Plan B is what you are going to do ANYWAYS when the other person doesn’t accept your no.
If you are clear on your Plan B, and ready to move on regardless of the other person accepting your NO, no one can stop you. Your Plan B allows you to stay true to your values and what you need without depending on the other person.
Before you make your next “Yes! No. Yes?” statement to someone in your life, make sure you have developed a Plan B that you can follow through with regardless of the response you get to your NO.
Writing down your Plan B can help make it more concrete, share your Plan B with the community in the comments below…
For today’s lesson think of an example in your life where you have been accommodating, attacking, or avoiding instead of saying NO. Focus on this scenario, and do the following:
Identify the value you want to say “Yes!” to.
Ask yourself “How does saying NO serve and support this Yes! ?”
With your Yes! in mind imagine saying NO to the person.
Now share you second “Yes?” with this person.
This second “Yes?” is a new option you offer to the person you just said no to. It is a plan that will work regardless of what the other person decides. It needs to be an option that you can follow through on without the other person having to agree with your NO. This “Yes?” is not a compromise, it is a solution that supports you and what is important to you.
(Make sure to listen to the recording to hear Indrani’s brownie example)
Think about your own example and write down a complete “Yes! No. Yes?” statement that you can use in your situation.
Did discovering your “Yes” in the last Brighter Life Bit help you say NO?
If you still had trouble delivering your NO, we have some trouble shooting steps to help. If you have identified your “Yes” but are still struggling to say no ask yourself these questions:
What do I value, and want to protect, that is important enough to say NO to this request?
If I don’t say NO, what am I teaching/modeling to others and what effect is that having on them?
Why is the other person and their request more important than what I value?
What if I am just as important as other people?
After answering these questions revisit your “Yes” and see if it is now strong enough to support the NO you need to deliver in your situation.
Give to Indrani’s Light Foundation
Your support will be used towards covering the costs of the free one-day or two-day, in-person training the ILF Team provides to the advocates at domestic violence organizations across the United States. Your support has already paid for training in Texas, Oregon, Washington, California, Pennsylvania, Alabama, and Illinois.