Tag Archives: love others

Then there were two….

I was speaking to a very dear friend the other day.

She said that she had 6 beautiful bowls that someone had given to her a long time ago.

The other day she noticed that there were only 3 and she realized that some of them were broken.

She felt happy that she had 3 left.

She began to tell her young daughter who had been helping with her dishes.

She turned away to do something and heard the awful sound…

CRASH!

She froze and realized that something had broken.

She did not know what it was. She turned to the sink full of dishes and saw her sweet daughter, shaking and fearful and she heard these words, “Sorry mom it was an accident, I did not mean it. Sorry mom.”

My dear friend said, “Now there are two.”

And then she smiled.

The worry on the daughter melted away and the mom showed her child how easy it was to show compassion and to to teach her child that mistakes can and will happen.

As my friend was telling me this story I saw the realization on her face that her child had been shaking because she fully expected to be yelled and screamed at.

My friend knew that she had been a teller and she had parented with anger in the past.

She also knew that she had been intentional in the way she had been parenting the past few years and that she had significantly changed the energy in the family.

She had been able to forge a deeper connection with her son and she had been showing her daughter what unconditional love really is.

Here, at this moment, it meant that she loved her daughter MORE than she ever could love those dishes.

She chose to NOT break her child.

She chose to parent with understanding and respect.

I have known this woman for a long time. I know how hard this woman has worked to get to a place of peace and tranquility.

I applaud her willingness to change the way she used to parent and to seek new ways and to know that she was doing the best for her kids.

Most people say, “My parents did it this way and I turned out ok.”

My view is why just settle for OK when we can be wiser and better than OK?

Let us thrive as parents and constantly better ourselves so we can raise a brighter generation. One that will know more than we will ever know and will be in charge of the welfare of our grandchildren.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

What to give up for lent….it’s not what you think.

Mother-in-lawThe days between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday marks the Lenten season for Christians.

Many people “give up” something for lent. Many stop eating sweets or stop drinking or some other behavior modification.

Few people give up “being nasty” to others.

That maybe be too harsh a thing to say, but it needs to be said.

I recently met a woman whose son was getting married and she “asked” to go to the bridal dress shopping expedition. The future daughter in law was nice enough to take her along. When the bride found the perfect dress, she asked the mother in law what she thought and the response was… “It’s not to my liking.”

The bride went ballistic and shouted at the mother in law that it was NOT her wedding.

As I was listening to this story, I wondered why the mother in law was not giving up something other than sweets for lent.

She was so ferociously attacking the bride-to-be and calling her names to whom ever was listening, like “hoochie” that it was very hard to be sympathetic to her hurt feelings.

Personally, I know what the bride felt like. When I was getting married, none of the saris that I wanted were “good enough” for my future in laws.

Luckily, I was quite stubborn, and with the help of my future husband I got exactly what I wanted.

Parenting is hard at all ages and when kids are grown up enough to start their own families we all get to enter a new stage of parenting. This time we get to try to be nurturing to complete strangers whom our children have chosen.

We have to give up judgments of what they should or should not do.

We have to help the young people to sort through their own lives.

This is the only way forward into a new stage of non aggression with the new family member.

I wished this women would give up bad mouthing her future daughter-in-law for lent instead of cookies and candies.

I believe that I suggested she give up negative thinking instead of sweets and she said that it would be too difficult.

Is that not the idea for lent? To make a sacrifice that smarts a little?

So what have you given up for lent? Let us know in the comment section below.

Make the sacrifice count. Make the sacrifice make you a better person.
Love and light,
Indrani

Not even with a flower. Hope for the future of Gender Based Violence.

What do a future fireman, police man, baker, soccer player, and pizza maker have in common?

They all have the same response when asked to slap a young girl.

Watch the video below to see their reaction:

Link: http://youtu.be/b2OcKQ_mbiQ

If this is a typical response by the young boys of today, then what changes between 7 years old and adulthood that results in women experiencing the violence that we know they do on a daily basis?

More importantly: What can we do to help young boys like this grow up into men that truly believe “girls shouldn’t be hit, not even with a flower”?

We all need to start sharing answers about this question.

Please share your thoughts in the comments below: what do we need to do differently to help young boys grow up into men who don’t hit women?

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

A compliment well placed is a gift to the receiver….

A few weeks ago I was sitting in a restaurant with a dear friend, her niece and another young lady.

The two young people were elegant and beautiful and had gorgeous bodies and were professional dancers with Brittany Spears’ Las Vegas Extravaganza.

I was loving being in the company of my friend and these two shiny young people. I was being my 60 years old self. I was mothering the whole group.

In the middle of dinner, a woman from another table came over to say something.

I thought she was coming to ask where something was or to tell the two young ones that they were beautiful or to tell my friend that she knew her from her TED talk.

It was none of the above.

She made her way over to tell Me that I was beautiful and that my smile was lovely!

Wait…What?

I quickly got up from my table and gave her the biggest hug ever and told her she made my life, not just my day.

Why was I surprised?

I was surprised because that had never happened before.

Actually, I am usually the one telling strangers how beautiful they they look.

I have to say, being on the receiving end of a compliment from a delightful stranger was a real boost to my ego.

Don’t we all need a boost?

Do you ever see someone looking so put together and being quiet about it?

How about you spread those compliments around?

The aftermath of me receiving the compliment was that the young ladies were saying, “what about me?”

They already knew they looked like a million dollars!

It was good for them to see that age does not mean “dead” or “unattractive.”

Maybe when they are 60, as I am now, they too will be on the receiving end of a surprise compliment.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

One simple act…..

Change the world with ONE simple act….like opening a door consistently.

What a guy!

Can we all be more like him?
http://www.wimp.com/simplething/

2015-01-21_1524

Stopping sexism towards men – A solution for gender based violence?

Sexism is a term normally associated with women. It affects women in the workplace, on the street, in the media; it affects women in so many different ways, that we often forget an important piece of the sexism puzzle:

Sexism affects everyone: bisexuals, transgender, lesbians, gay men, and yes, even straight men.

Watch Laci Green as she unpacks and explores the idea of sexism against men and the effect it is having on everyone.

Watch and imagine what effect it would have on gender based violence if men no longer felt that they NEEDED to hide emotions, be powerful, and do manly things like fight, fix things, and have lots of sex to prove how masculine they are.

Could part of the solution be as easy as realizing that: there is no man or woman or gay or lesbian or transgender. There are humans.

Have you ever been sexist towards a man? If you are one of our male readers, have you ever experienced sexism?

We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Let’s all do more of these in the New Year…..

Happy-New-Year-2014-Blast-Wishes-Greating-Card1

Smile more.

Speak with compassion.

Help a stranger.

Take more steps and move your body.

Tell yourself you ARE good enough.

Eat 5% more healthy.

Complete this sentence:
If I were to follow my purpose I would be brave enough to ________________.

Now find a way to begin that journey.

A very happy 2015!

 

Love & light,

TEAM ILF

When you feel like screaming…..

PencilHold a pencil lengthways between your teeth (in a pretend smiling way).

There is a very famous study with undergraduates who were given some tasks and some were asked to hold a pencil in their teeth (mimicking a smile). The task was not significant. The pencil holding was the significant part of the research.

It seems that those who held the pencil between their teeth had more positive feelings during the task, after the task and also days after the task.

The researchers concluded that a “fake” smile may have triggered the happy hormone and made the participants feel better.

This is also the theory behind Laughter Yoga. This school of yoga leads groups of people in laughter exercises and the results have been measurable and positive. The brain reacts to fake laughter just as readily as it does to real laughter.

So fake smiles and fake laughs are good for us!

How can we actually use this amazing piece of research?

I found a way this past week while mediating between an employee and an employer.

Both parties were in terrible deadlock over what the job description was, could have been  and will be moving forward.

The employer was an older woman who had a history of not being very tolerant.

The employee was the geriatric nurses aide that was hired to help make the older woman’s life a little easier.

Both women needed each other.
Both women were ALPHA women.
Both wanted to be “right”.
Both wanted ME to tell the other that the other was at fault.

The employee began the conversation citing past instances of when the older woman was “mean” or ” hateful” to other employees. I stopped her instantly and asked her why those things were her business.

She was a bit stunned. She thought I needed the history to make a fair determination.

I did not.

I told the employee that my focus was what SHE wanted from her life and how she chooses to address the things that concerned her.

I then asked her to hold a pencil in her mouth and she had to listen to me while I told her how the mediation would be conducted.

The older woman was at first very sure she would not hold the pencil.

Her reason was this, “This is a serious subject and I am a serious person.”

I said, “Yes this is serious but we do not have to have discussions with mean faces that are only reflecting disdain and anger.”

I finally got her to “fake” a smile.

I then began the mediation.

I must say, the results were marvelous.

The parties seemed to be able to listen more attentively because they were focussed on maintaining the smiles and the discussion did not fall into a “she said, she said.”

It was quite exhausting for me, as both of these women were really tough cookies. They were both used to running right over the people  in their lives. They were used to “winning” while others were to be the “losers.”

I was sure this needed to be a win/win.

Dear Reader,

Why would this lesson be necessary in a blog that deals with ways to handle abuse?

I actually think that we can teach this technique to small kids when they begin to bully others in their family. As mothers we can hold pencils between our teeth when we want to scream at our kids. We can show our children that while we are experiencing human emotions we do not have to give into negative and demeaning behaviors.

Please try this exercise the next time you are so angry you just want to scream.

Please do not use this technique to dismiss significant abuse. Significant abuse must be dealt with in different ways. You must seek guidance to handle significant abuse and get to safety for you and your children.

This technique is for the smaller aggravations in life that often trip you up.

 
Love and light,
Indrani

Too little, too late…….

downloadWhy does it take teen victims of sexual assault committing suicide for the police to decide that there is sufficient evidence to move forward with a further investigation of these horrific attacks?

Too little, to late.

This statement by Larry Pott, father of Audrie Pott, a sexual assault victim who took her own life after photos of her attack spread throughout her high school and on social media, bears repeating,

“It’s not a college problem. It’s not a high-school problem. It’s a gender and societal problem.”

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/magazine/our-daughter-is-dead-were-the-surviving-victims-rape-bullying-and-suicide-after-a-viral-flood/ar-BB7g4pq

Let us join the families of these victims, who’s lives are so tragically cut short, by honoring them and finding ways to educate our youth and society so that we can put an end to Gender Based Violence.

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Think Global…Act Local

 

Steven-Matt_455613_1When I think of this phrase I think it means to be an informed consumer.

  • Am I buying products made by children in the slavery mills around the Globe?
  • Am I consciously aware that what I do here in my country is negatively affecting the Amazon Rain Forest?
  • Are the diamonds that I admire Blood Diamonds?

Right?

Big thoughts.

I think I can make my buying power MAKE a difference.

I CAN make my money talk!

What IF….

The phrase “THINK Global…Act Local” could be applied to Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence and Child Abuse?

What would that look like?

It might look like this…

You are watching TV on a normal day or night and you see a story of a VERY FAMOUS NFL player like Adrian Peterson being charged with Child Endangerment for beating his 4 year old son with a switch. You may or may not be appalled… Let’s say you ARE appalled.

What can YOU do?

Well you can begin to look at your own behaviors towards your kids or other people’s kids.

You can open a conversation with your kids … if you dare… and ask them what it’s like living in your home.

  • Do they feel emotionally safe?
  • Are they worried about people flying off the handle?
  • Are they afraid of anyone in particular?

YOU must be brave and courageous and really listen.

LISTEN with your ears and your HEART. (Especially your heart.)

You MUST promise them immunity from YOU flying off the handle if you hear something that hurts your feelings.

If I would have had parents who had asked this question to me and if I trusted them, I would have said something like this:

“Well you are always beating us and yelling at us. If we cry then you beat us more to “really give us something to cry about.” You tell me that I never do anything right. I am always scared of you.”

IF I had parents who were brave enough to go there, I may have had a slim chance of a happier childhood.

YOU have the POWER to give your children a bigger chance of happiness.

If you ACT LOCAL, while observing the pitiful GLOBAL state of violence against women and girls you will be making a difference.

Don’t know where to start? Start with YOURSELF, your own boundaries and awareness of shame and building your shame resilience.

START TODAY.

START NOW.

Here is something to get you started…www.liveabrighterlife.eventbrite.com

If I can do it, you can do it.

Now, let’s say you were NOT appalled at someone beating their child in that way, you can still do something.

You can begin to wonder about your own abuse and ask yourself if your parents could have been more compassionate.

If you say they did the best they could with what they had, you would be right. However, YOU can do better with all the new information that you have about child rearing. You can seek out informed guidance on how to be a better parent.

Why? Because you owe it to those kids you brought into the world.

So however you slice this Domestic Violence pie, you can Think Global and still Act Local.

 

Love and light,
 
Indrani

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**