As a Caregiver in a domestic violence shelter you are faced with the challenge of supporting all of your clients at work, then having to return home and take care of your family. In this episode Indrani, Amy, and Jeremie share the importance of taking care of yourself FIRST by setting boundaries and learning to tell your family a “positive NO”.
01:03 Introduction of this episode’s scenario 02:56 Jeremie shares a self-awareness exercise called “Going to the movies” 06:35 Amy discusses the four types of boundaries 14:10 Indrani explains how to deliver a Positive No 20:40 Discussion: you are always setting and breaking boundaries. 25:55 Discussion: supporting others in your life with setting boundaries 29:15 Summary of the three tools
Have you delivered you first “Yes! No. Yes?” to someone? If so, congratulations! Did they accept your NO?
If they didn’t, it is time to move on to Plan B.
Plan B is a second, or back up plan that addresses your core interest and supports your original Yes! that is not dependent on the other person being involved. Plan B is not retaliation, not anger, and not a threat, Plan B is what you are going to do ANYWAYS when the other person doesn’t accept your no.
If you are clear on your Plan B, and ready to move on regardless of the other person accepting your NO, no one can stop you. Your Plan B allows you to stay true to your values and what you need without depending on the other person.
Before you make your next “Yes! No. Yes?” statement to someone in your life, make sure you have developed a Plan B that you can follow through with regardless of the response you get to your NO.
Writing down your Plan B can help make it more concrete, share your Plan B with the community in the comments below…
For today’s lesson think of an example in your life where you have been accommodating, attacking, or avoiding instead of saying NO. Focus on this scenario, and do the following:
Identify the value you want to say “Yes!” to.
Ask yourself “How does saying NO serve and support this Yes! ?”
With your Yes! in mind imagine saying NO to the person.
Now share you second “Yes?” with this person.
This second “Yes?” is a new option you offer to the person you just said no to. It is a plan that will work regardless of what the other person decides. It needs to be an option that you can follow through on without the other person having to agree with your NO. This “Yes?” is not a compromise, it is a solution that supports you and what is important to you.
(Make sure to listen to the recording to hear Indrani’s brownie example)
Think about your own example and write down a complete “Yes! No. Yes?” statement that you can use in your situation.
Before reading further, think of a current experience you are having RIGHT NOW where you are struggling with saying NO to someone. Got something in mind? Great! Keep reading…
William Ury tells us that the key to saying NO is to first get clear on what your “Yes” is.
To discover your “Yes” you need to identify what important value you believe in, that is being threatened by not saying NO. Once you are clear on this value you need to say “Yes” to protecting this value.
By saying “Yes” to what is truly important to you, you are creating a supportive structure to build your NO on.
Think of something you are struggling to say NO to. Now, write down the important value(s) you can use as a “Yes” to help support the NO you need to say in this situation.
Examples make teachings concrete, so today, a quick (you are not being marked, so don’t panic):
Read the three scenarios below and identify whether it is an example of Accommodating, Attacking, or Avoiding.
Alice’s son ignores her request to clean up his dishes for the third time while watching TV. Alice begins yelling at her son and a fight begins.
Ann is afraid of her husband getting angry over the way she spends money on groceries, so Ann gives all of her money to her husband.
Martha’s sees her coworker Jill in the hallway, Jill wants to borrow $200 to cover rent this month, so Martha quickly ducks into the ladies room.
In which of these three scenarios is power, relationship, or both lost?
Now, think of a situation you have recently experienced in your own life where, instead of saying “No” you accommodated, attacked, or avoided. How was your power in that situation lost? How was the relationship with that person affected?
Here is one quick, and easy to use tool, that you can use to identify when your “Yes” is a mistake, and you should probably be saying “No”:
When you do something quickly to relieve emotional pressure it is usually not the right answer.
Think back to the most recent “no” you should have said:
What emotional pressures were you trying to avoid by saying “yes”? Do these same emotional pressures come up repeatedly when you think of all of the “no’s” you have recently turned into “yeses”?
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