Tag Archives: saying no

Caring for the Caregivers: A Story – How to Say “NO” With the Feeling of Joy – Episode #21

This episode Indrani shares a personal story about problems with a “non-huggable” coat, being surprised by the perfect dress, and how saying “NO” to the little things and setting small boundaries is the key to making big changes to your relationships. Indrani also shares an awareness exercise you can use to observe your own boundaries and where you need to be saying “NO” in your daily life.

Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
00:46 Indrani tells her story
06:29 Indrani shares lessons from the story
08:01 Indrani shares an awareness exercise
09:18 Summary
10:43 Outro

Brighter Life Bit #17: Practicing your “Yes! No. Yes?” – develop a habit

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 110 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Saying NO is never easy. At the start, using a Positive NO with your “Yes! No. Yes?” is not going to be easy either. Which is why you need to practice.

We suggest that you start with the easy NOs in your life and build up your skill with delivering a Positive NO before tackling the really big NOs you know you need to be saying. Start with saying NO:

  • on the phone when someone tries to sell you something
  • to the post office when they deliver junk mail
  • to a toleration in your home or office
  • an article of clothing you no longer need
  • a small request from a family member

In each situation remember to use your “Yes! No. Yes?” statement and have your Plan B ready to put into action.

We would love to hear more about your experience with delivering a Positive NO. You can share your experience in the comments below…

Brighter Life Bit #16: Plan B: What to say if your NO is not accepted

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 80 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Have you delivered you first “Yes! No. Yes?” to someone? If so, congratulations! Did they accept your NO?

If they didn’t, it is time to move on to Plan B.

Plan B is a second, or back up plan that addresses your core interest and supports your original Yes! that is not dependent on the other person being involved. Plan B is not retaliation, not anger, and not a threat, Plan B is what you are going to do ANYWAYS when the other person doesn’t accept your no.

If you are clear on your Plan B, and ready to move on regardless of the other person accepting your NO, no one can stop you. Your Plan B allows you to stay true to your values and what you need without depending on the other person.

Before you make your next “Yes! No. Yes?” statement to someone in your life, make sure you have developed a Plan B that you can follow through with regardless of the response you get to your NO.

Writing down your Plan B can help make it more concrete, share your Plan B with the community in the comments below…

Brighter Life Bit #15: Discover your “Yes?” to follow up your NO

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 42 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

For today’s lesson think of an example in your life where you have been accommodating, attacking, or avoiding instead of saying NO. Focus on this scenario, and do the following:

  1. Identify the value you want to say “Yes!” to.
  2. Ask yourself “How does saying NO serve and support this Yes! ?”
  3. With your Yes! in mind imagine saying NO to the person.
  4. Now share you second “Yes?” with this person.

This second “Yes?” is a new option you offer to the person you just said no to. It is a plan that will work regardless of what the other person decides. It needs to be an option that you can follow through on without the other person having to agree with your NO. This “Yes?” is not a compromise, it is a solution that supports you and what is important to you.

(Make sure to listen to the recording to hear Indrani’s brownie example)

Think about your own example and write down a complete “Yes! No. Yes?” statement that you can use in your situation.

Brighter Life Bit #14: Troubleshooting your YES so you can say NO

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 31 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Did discovering your “Yes” in the last Brighter Life Bit help you say NO?

If you still had trouble delivering your NO, we have some trouble shooting steps to help. If you have identified your “Yes” but are still struggling to say no ask yourself these questions:

  • What do I value, and want to protect, that is important enough to say NO to this request?
  • If I don’t say NO, what am I teaching/modeling to others and what effect is that having on them?
  • Why is the other person and their request more important than what I value?
  • What if I am just as important as other people?

After answering these questions revisit your “Yes” and see if it is now strong enough to support the NO you need to deliver in your situation.

Brighter Life Bit #13: The importance of saying “Yes!” before you say NO

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 24 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Before reading further, think of a current experience you are having RIGHT NOW where you are struggling with saying NO to someone. Got something in mind? Great! Keep reading…

William Ury tells us that the key to saying NO is to first get clear on what your “Yes” is.

To discover your “Yes” you need to identify what important value you believe in, that is being threatened by not saying NO. Once you are clear on this value you need to say “Yes” to protecting this value.

By saying “Yes” to what is truly important to you, you are creating a supportive structure to build your NO on.

Think of something you are struggling to say NO to. Now, write down the important value(s) you can use as a “Yes” to help support the NO you need to say in this situation.

Brighter Life Bit #12: How are you using the three “A’s”?

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 14 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Examples make teachings concrete, so today, a quick (you are not being marked, so don’t panic):

Read the three scenarios below and identify whether it is an example of Accommodating, Attacking, or Avoiding.

  1. Alice’s son ignores her request to clean up his dishes for the third time while watching TV. Alice begins yelling at her son and a fight begins.
  2. Ann is afraid of her husband getting angry over the way she spends money on groceries, so Ann gives all of her money to her husband.
  3. Martha’s sees her coworker Jill in the hallway, Jill wants to borrow $200 to cover rent this month, so Martha quickly ducks into the ladies room.

In which of these three scenarios is power, relationship, or both lost?

Now, think of a situation you have recently experienced in your own life where, instead of saying “No” you accommodated, attacked, or avoided. How was your power in that situation lost? How was the relationship with that person affected?

Brighter Life Bit #11: Accommodate, Attack, Avoid, OR just say NO…

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 14 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

According to William Ury in “The Power of a Positive No” instead of saying “No” you are most likely doing one of the following:

Accommodating: instead of saying no you accommodate the other person’s request, and in doing so lose your power.

Attacking: instead of saying no you get upset and attack the other person, and in doing so lose relationship.

Avoid: instead of saying no, you avoid the entire situation, resulting in a loss of power and relationship.

Which of the three “A’s” is your biggest substitute for saying “No”?

Once you clearly identify your accommodate, attack, avoid tendencies you are better prepared to start saying “No”

Brighter Life Bit #9: Who are you saying “Yes” to, when you should be saying NO?

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 5 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Do you have trouble saying “No”?

It is easy to say “no” to the stuff you don’t want, those are not the “no’s” we are talking about. We are talking about the challenging “no’s”, the ones that come when you have to say “no” to something you DO want, or to someone you care about, or want to help. It is these difficult “no’s” that you don’t say when you should, that get you into way trouble.

You need to learn to say “No” right now!

But first, you need to explore the challenges you are facing when trying to deliver these difficult “no’s”, so for today’s Brighter Life Bit pick a person or situation where you experience difficulty in saying NO (when you KNOW you should say it) and answer this question:

Why do you have trouble saying no to this person or situation in your life?

Setting boundaries and saying NO…..

stand-up-for-yourselfThere is a reason why the first two sessions of the Live A Brighter Life Empowerment Program for Living teaches the importance and power behind setting boundaries and saying no.

Learning and implementing these two principles can and will change your life! And we are not the only ones who think so….check out this article from The Wall Street Journal to learns ways to say “No” more effectively.

If you would like to learn how to set boundaries and how to say “no”, please register for Live A Brighter Life to receive 6 session recordings…it’s absolutely free!

 

Love & light,

Team ILF