All posts by Amy Jaffe

Repeat after me ….

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, gratitude, life, women

Do you use affirmations in your daily life?

Here is just one of many definitions of “positive affirmations:”

affirmations“Affirmations are positive, specific statements that help you to overcome self-sabotaging, negative thoughts. They help you visualize, and believe in, what you’re affirming to yourself, helping you to make positive changes to your life and career.”

But before we give you some positive affirmations, we need to know if you BELIEVE these can help you.  Dr. Carmen Harra is a best-selling author, clinical psychologist, and relationship expert. Her newest book is The Karma Queens’ Guide to Relationships.  She wrote an article for the Huffington Post a couple of years ago about affirmations that can change your life. (Full article here).  She talks about the theory and the science around positive affirmations.  Here is an excerpt of the article we want to highlight:

“Affirmations are proven methods of self-improvement because of their ability to rewire our brains. Much like exercise, they raise the level of feel-good hormones and push our brains to form new clusters of “positive thought” neurons. In the sequence of thought-speech-action, affirmations play an integral role by breaking patterns of negative thoughts, negative speech, and, in turn, negative actions.”   ~ Dr. Carmen Harra

At Indrani’s Light Foundation we teach people how to restore themselves after suffering from shame and trauma.  One of the tools we use is an “Affirmation Checklist.”  It might feel a little weird or uncomfortable, but we encourage you to stand in front of a mirror and say these affirmations to yourself OUT LOUD:

  • I am WORTHY of unconditional love.
  • I love my BODY.
  • I love MYSELF.
  • I deserve GOODNESS.
  • I deserve ABUNDANCE.
  • I deserve to be SAFE and SECURE.
  • I am a GOOD PERSON.
  • I deserve to BE LOVED.
  • I DESERVE the life I say I WANT.
  • I trust my INTUITION.
  • I am CREATIVE.
  • My VOICE is beautiful.
  • My words are NECESSARY in this world.
  • I can envision a life of PEACE and JOY.
  • I BELIEVE that my life and work are MEANINGFUL and NECESSARY in this world.

Are you ready to BELIEVE you are worthy?  Are you ready to BELIEVE you are loved?  We want to help you with these affirmations and so much more!  Our Live A Brighter Life online workshop series is completely FREE, and it can be anonymous if you need to attend privately.  It’s worth every minute!

Join us this summer for our 6-week Live A Brighter Life Online weekly workshop series starting Thursday, June 30th.  It’s that easy.  Click here for all of the details and a way to sign up.

With Love & Light,

Team ILF

What’s the difference between SURVIVING and THRIVING?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, gratitude, life, women

What is the difference between SURVIVING and THRIVING? Which do YOU choose?

“It's not about surviving, it's about THRIVING!”TO SURVIVE:

  • To remain alive or in existence.
  • To carry on despite hardships or trauma.
  • To remain functional or usable.
  • To cope.

TO THRIVE:

  • To grow strongly and vigorously.
  • To do well/prosper.
  • To flourish.

What can we do to begin to thrive?  Be specific.

  • Make sure you get enough sleep.
  • Eat well.
  • Exercise.
  • Learn healthy ways of managing stress and anxiety.
  • Seek support (social and professional services, resources and materials).
  • Avoid intake of alcohol or other drugs.
  • Regularly go to a doctor for a check-up.
  • Make sure you correctly take your prescription medication.
  • Set aside time during the day for self-care, including finding and enjoying positive emotion, keeping company with yourself, enjoying the company of others important to you, being part of something larger than yourself, and identifying which goals are most important to you.

Are you ready to THRIVE is your life?  Our Live A Brighter Life online workshop series is completely FREE, and it can be anonymous if you need to attend privately.  It’s worth every minute!

Join us this summer for our 6-week Live A Brighter Life Online weekly workshop series starting Thursday, June 30th.  It’s that easy.  Click here for all of the details and a way to sign up.

With Love & Light,

Team ILF

What IS self-care?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, gratitude, life, women

self-careSELF-CARE is personal, physical, and mental health maintenance.  It is any activity of an individual, family, or community with the intention of improving or restoring health, or treating or preventing disease.  It is about taking the time out to restore oneself.

As women, (and especially as mothers), we are often taught to take care of everyone but ourselves.  Our lives are full, the needs of others are many; the result is that we tap our energy stores to serve others until we are literally bankrupt – physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

Here are some ways you might find relief:

  • Take a walk.
  • Read.
  • Take a bath.
  • Read a story to my children.
  • Watch a funny movie.
  • Work in my garden.
  • Exercise.
  • Become active in my community.

If you are struggling with taking care of yourself, and unable to get motivated, please let us help you.  Our Live A Brighter Life online workshop series is completely FREE, and it can be anonymous if you need to attend privately.  It’s worth every minute!  Isn’t it time to THRIVE is life, and not just SURVIVE?

Join us this summer for our 6-week Live A Brighter Life Online weekly workshop series starting Thursday, June 30th.  It’s that easy.  Click here for all of the details and a way to sign up.

With Love & Light,

Team ILF

Reaching Out

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, life, women

reaching out FINALWhen you feel shamed or humiliated, who do you reach out to?  In our Live A Brighter Life curriculum, we teach a workshop called, “Shame Resilience.”  It’s so important that we learn how to recover from shame.

Reaching out is an important part of shame resiliency.  It requires that you choose sharing your story and creating change over separating and insulating yourself.  In doing so, connections are built and we start to see that we really are all the same.

It gives voice to the shame being felt, which in turn weakens the shame.  When you reach out you move from separating and insulating to sharing your story and creating change.
Separating and insulating means that there is an us and a “them.”  And we are not the same as “them.”  Separating and insulating allows you to believe that what is affecting others could never affect you, and what’s affecting you could never affect anyone else.  No one else has been through, seen or experienced what you have, or you will never go through, see or experience what someone else has.

To whom will you REACH OUT?

• Partner
• Parent
• Family member
• Religious community member
• Community member
• Teacher
• Coach
• Health professional

If you are struggling to be vulnerable, and unable to reach out to anyone, please let us help you.  Our Live A Brighter Life online workshop series is completely FREE, and it can be anonymous if you need to attend privately.  It’s worth every minute!  Isn’t it time to THRIVE is life, and not just SURVIVE?

Join us this summer for our 6-week Live A Brighter Life Online weekly workshop series starting Thursday, June 30th.  It’s that easy.  Click here for all of the details and a way to sign up.

With Love & Light,

Team ILF

How do you experience shame?

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Feelings imageWe will feel shame in our bodies before our conscious minds do. 

In our Live A Brighter Life curriculum we teach a workshop called, “Letting Go.”  It’s purpose is to teach you tools about letting go of shame, guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment.  But first, we need to teach you how to recognize shame.  One way to do this is using our bodies to identify shame.

If we recognize our physical responses, we can begin to identify and release our feelings, and limit the powerlessness that we feel when we are ashamed. In other words, recognizing shame is an important tool for regaining our power.

How do you experience shame?

Answer these questions:
I physically feel shame in/on my ___________________________.
It feels like_____________________________________________.
I know I’m ashamed when I feel___________________________.
If I could taste shame, it would taste like ____________________.
If I could smell shame, it would smell like____________________.
If I could touch shame, it would feel like_____________________.

Think about some physical reactions, which may include:

    • Stomach tightening
    • Nausea
    • Shaking
    • Wave of heat in the faces and chest

For most of us, recognizing and understanding our shame triggers is the same as revealing our vulnerabilities. We see our vulnerabilities as a weakness. Ironically, not acknowledging our vulnerabilities makes us weak and more vulnerable.

  • By denying your vulnerability you are also denying yourself compassion, protection, and the very ability to overcome
    shame.
  • When someone is acknowledging her vulnerability, she is courageous, not weak.

Our Live A Brighter Life online workshop series is completely FREE, and it can be anonymous if you need to attend privately.  It’s worth every minute!  Isn’t it time to THRIVE is life, and not just SURVIVE?

Join us this summer for our 6-week Live A Brighter Life Online weekly workshop series starting Thursday, June 30th.  It’s that easy.  Click here for all of the details and a way to sign up.

With Love & Light,

Team ILF

Where do you go when you feel shame?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, life, women

Shame often brings us to such a diminished place that we can’t see our strengths or be objective about ourselves.  Shame corrodes the piece of us that believes we are capable of change.  It is often the source of destructive and damaging behavior.

shame imageSo where do you go when you feel shame?

  • Loss of self-worth (worthiness)
  • Loss of empathy (numbing of self)
  • Loss of connection with people
  • Loss of connection with self (identity and values)

And shaming definitely does not work when we are trying to introduce positive change to people.

When the ILF Trainers are teaching the Live A Brighter Life workshops, the discussion around shame often leads to how much people say they shut themselves off from the world.  They enter “the vortex” of shame and cannot escape.  They are sucked down deep and eventually have to fight their way back up into the light of the world.

Why is shame so powerful?  How can we keep from letting shame take over our lives?

We can teach you some tools and coach you on some techniques to work through the shame before it takes you under.  Our Live A Brighter Life online workshop series is completely FREE, and it can be anonymous if you need to attend privately.  It’s worth every minute!  Isn’t it time to THRIVE is life, and not just SURVIVE?

Join us this summer for our 6-week Live A Brighter Life Online weekly workshop series starting Thursday, June 30th.  It’s that easy.  Click here for all of the details and a way to sign up.

Saying “NO!” to abuse

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, life, women

no and stopThe most powerful words to use in circumstances of abuse are “Stop” and “No.”  In our Live A Brighter Life workshops, we are teaching women in abusive situations HOW to say “No” to abuse.  Here are some examples we teach:

  • You need to make yourself very clear. You may use other phrases such as “That’s not okay,” or, “That’s not appropriate,” or, “That’s enough,” or “It’s not okay for me.”  But whatever you say, make it perfectly clear that you want the abuse to stop immediately.
  • If the abuser is unclear about exactly what you want stopped, then make it clear by saying it exactly.  For example, “Stop grabbing my arm,” or, “Stop blocking the doorway,” or “Do not hit me.”
  • Putting up with physical or emotional abuse is a choice.  If you choose not to accept it then a clear and specific “No” is the first step to removing yourself from the abusive situation.

Do you have a good friend or confidant who you can talk to?  If so, here is a way you can practice saying “No” to your abuser….

  • Ask your confidant if they can role play with you
  • Now, practice clear statements, tone of voice, body language, etc.
  • Ask for feedback.  Where can you improve?
  • Keep practicing.  When you’re ready to speak your truth to your abuser, make sure your confidant is aware you will be acting upon your “Stop” and “No.”

(**NOTE: If you do not have a confidant to help you, practice these statements in the mirror at home).

Here are a few important things to remember while your preparing to speak your truth:

Go from a reactive approach to a proactive approach.

  • Remember: anger can blind, fear can paralyze, and guilt can weaken.
  • Don’t act with intense emotion but with clear purpose.
  • If you need to, stop to collect your wits.
  • You are allowed to take your time to recover and gain perspective
    by saying things like, “Give me a minute,” or “ Let’s take a break,”
    or “I need to think about it.”
  • Then ask yourself why you want to say, “No.”
  • Crystallize your “yes” – what matters and your intention.
  • The real action of standing up for yourself takes place inside
    you before you say, “No.”
  • You have a right to protect what matters to you.

How are you feeling after reading this blog?  Do you feel like to need more support around this?  Just to let you know, we are teaching our FREE 6-week online Live A Brighter Life Workshop series this summer, starting June 30th.  You can sign up HERE if you would like help from our ILF certified trainers.

With Love & Light,

Team ILF

What happens after you say “No?”

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, life, women

In our Live A Brighter Life workshops, we teach a module called “Saying No.”  In the last blog we talked about some of the reasons why you are fearful about saying “No.”  (If you’d like to be taught some tools about HOW to say “no,” we have a 6-week online course starting in the summer. Click here for more information).

Managing NOOnce you learn and practice new techniques on HOW to say “No,” now you need to make sure you can manage the reaction you will receive from others, now that you’ve said the word “No.”  Here are the tools:

  • Hold your ground
  • Expect the other person’s stages of denial
  • Take a DEEP breath (literally)
  • Become the observer

The last tool, “become the observer,” means that you try to imagine you are observing this scenario on a stage.  You are a member of the audience watching yourself saying “No” to this person.  You can watch to see the tactics that this person will use.  As this is happening you can “name the game,” or tactic to yourself.  There are many games: flattery, bribery, threats, manipulation, personal attacks, guilt, shame, slippery slope, etc.

Can you say, “No?” If you need help, WE can help.  This is a FREE class you can attend in private, or face to face with us online.  Either way, we can offer you support and great tools to live a brighter life.  Click here to sign up!

Love & Light,

Team ILF

What do you need to say “No” to today?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women

Under what circumstances would you like to say, “No?” Are there circumstances in your life right now in which you are not saying “No” because you are:

  • Accommodating someone.
  • Attacking the person for asking for something.
  • Avoiding the situation all together.

What do you need to say_NO_ to today_At Indrani’s Light Foundation, we teach the Live A Brighter Life workshop series. In the second module we teach tools about HOW to say, “No.” We talk about “The 3 A’s.” Accommodate, attack, and avoid.

For example:

  • Accommodate: “Anne” does NOT say no, and accommodates her husband by giving over all of her money to him because she fears he will retaliate.
  • Attack: “Alice” yells and screams at her son because he consistently disobeys her.
  • Avoid: “Martha” steers clear of her co-worker, who seems to always want to borrow money.

Do something right now ….

Take a few minutes to write down one instance in which you would like to say, “No.” Write down the emotions that you feel about this issue.

Please give us the top two emotions that come up for you.

 

Love & Light,

 

The ILF Team

(P.S. If you are interested in taking our 6-week online Live A Brighter Life at no cost, please click here for more information.  Classes start June 30th.

Time to set some boundaries?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women

{Written by Amy Dier | Director of Education & Training | Indrani’s Light Foundation

What are the different types of personal boundaries?

In our “Live A Brighter Life” workshops, the very first thing we teach is the definition and concept of boundaries. We define boundaries as follows:

“Guidelines, rules, or limits created by a person for herself that are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to treat her, as well as how she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.”

boundaries image

So now that you know the textbook definition of the word “boundary,” what does it actually mean to you?  I have guidelines and limits I live by, however, it’s a daily struggle for me to actually voice these guidelines to others in my life. (I’ll talk about this in the next blog).  There are boundaries that I allow to be crossed on many levels, and the Live A Brighter Life curriculum has been incredibly helpful to help me improve the way I communicate with people, and keep the crossed boundaries at bay.

What was most helpful was to be taught and reminded of the types of boundaries most of us have:

  • PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES – pertains to personal space, bubble.
  • MENTAL BOUNDARIES – pertains to beliefs, emotion and intuition.
  • SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES – pertains to self-esteem, sense of identity.

Those kinds of boundaries make perfect sense, and seem to be easy to work on. What I was missing was the link between the mental and emotional boundaries.  There are times where I think “Emotional Boundaries” should be a separate category. For me, I become the most vulnerable around emotions.  If I get triggered by someone’s actions, I can normally protect my physical, mental and spiritual compass. But my emotions get the best of me at times, and I get angry and completely withdraw for a period of time.

For example, if someone accuses me of something I didn’t do, or someone completely discounts me, I do not pass go ….. I do not collect $200 …. I go straight to anger and emotional jail.  I withdraw for hours, if not days. I don’t speak to the person.  And sometimes I won’t tell them they have hurt me, or that I just need some time to process what happened.  I’m trying to get better at expressing my feelings, but it’s so damn hard! This is the challenge of facing our lack of boundaries, and how we deal with keeping them clear.

What are the most challenging boundaries for YOU to manage?  I would love to know what seems to be keeping you from speaking up and voicing your limits to your friends and family.  Or maybe you are good with boundaries with strangers, but not your loved ones.  Tell us a story….

With Love & Light,

Amy Dier

(P.S. If you are interested in taking our 6-week online Live A Brighter Life at no cost, please click here for more information.  Classes start June 30th.