All posts by Indrani Goradia

Quit your CFU job….

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Don’t worry….there are no curse words in CFU, it means CHIEF FIXER UPPER.2superwoman via annesadovsky
How do you know that you have been promoted to this exhaled position?
Well, it’s the subtle signs;

  • only you can find the cold cuts in the fridge
  • only you can pick up socks from the floor
  • only you can load a dishwasher
  • only you can go to the grocery
  • only you can make an effort at a peaceful relationship

Get the idea?
I am sure that you can come up with a few more examples from your own life.

Did you apply for this job?
If you did, what was the job description like?
Was it a one liner that sounded like, “FIX MY LIFE NOW and FOREVER”?

Check out the Mary Oliver poem called THE JOURNEY.

I believe that Mary Oliver found herself in the CFU job and she had to quit.
I think that her poem was her resignation letter.

What would your resignation letter look like?
It can be a Poem.
It can be a short letter.
It can be a long profound thesis with tons of explanations and life examples… but this may make you more upset when you remember all the stuff that you CHOOSE to take on.

Wait?

What?

CHOOSE to take on?

Uh huh, choose. It may sound harsh that I am telling you to choose to take it on, but really did someone hold a gun to your head to make you do it? If the answer is yes, that a GUN was held to your head, make immediate plans to leave that environment.

So now, let’s just see how you got THAT thankless job.

Were you always a fixer? Were you a “born” helper? Did you get lots of pats on the back for always having the solution? Were people always calling you up so you could fix their issues? Do you feel useless if you are not fixing something or someone?

What would happen if you simply STOPPED all the fixing?
Who would you be upsetting?

Make a list of all the significant folks in your life and put a Y or an N next to their names if they would be upset or not? Then add up all the No people and tell them THANKS for all the support they have given you. Thank them for not expecting you to be the constant Fixer.

Now for the YES people, what to do with them?
The truth is that the issue is with YOU, not them. You have not been able to say NO to these folks who expect you to fix everything. You have trained them to expect you to fix it all.

It may sound harsh but we really do train others how to treat us.
We train them by not speaking our truth.
We train them by not being able to say a NO that respects both them and ourselves.
We train them by assuming that if we do just one more thing, they may leave us alone.
We also assume that we are teaching them something, like maybe how to do it themselves the next time.
They learn nothing but “there she goes again” taking this new load of “crap” off my plate.

A dear friend of mine was on a professional coach call yesterday and a significant member of her family (a grown up), interrupted her to say that SHE needs to call the insurance company to get something done.
Why does SHE need to call?
Why did he interrupt her?

Easy answer…..she trained him over the course of many years to expect that she would “fix” all that was broken, not working, or just plain pissing him off.

Yes, she has a great strength, which is to find solutions, but what do we teach others when WE are the only ones to find the solutions?
What happens when people are so dependent on us and we fall ill or die?
We leave them in a lurch and we leave them helpless.
It may be better if we teach them how to fix their own issues so that both people can take full responsibility for the smooth running of the family.

I know that it is easier said than done. I understand that the people you care about may get angry and say some hurtful things.
What I am asking you to do is to care for yourself and your physical, mental and emotional health as much as you care for theirs.

One of my favorite quotes is this one from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter to us.”

What things matter to you?
I invite you to speak them to a trusted friend, not complaining about all that you must do, but rather, what steps you will take to do less and have the able bodied people in your life do more.

Love and light,

Indrani, Former CFU.

At the masquerade….

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For me, a masquerade conjures images of the Victorian elite with masks hovering over their eyes.  Or The Phantom of the Opera, whose true physical self is partiallymask via cathyberggren.com covered by a mask of white….and those at Mardi Gras wearing colorful masks which allow them get away with all sorts of mischief behind a veil of secrecy.

But do we need to wear something on our face to hide our true selves?  Do we need sequins, and face paint to hide our pain, or our looks, or to protect ourselves from the judgment of others as we actually try to be our true self?

I look at the masks I wear to create the illusion of what I want people to see and sometimes I wonder who that illusion is for?  Is it really for them or me?

I am not sure what is scarier….to drop the mask and have people see me for what I am or for me to see myself, perhaps for the first time, as I truly am.

Either takes courage.

Can you pull the mask from your eyes?

Anatomy of Disappointment…..

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What happens to us when we feel disappointed? We know that we feel let down or ignored or invisible, and a host of many other feelings….but WHY?waiting via thinkstock
What causes me to feel so let down?
Something quite disappointing happened to me a few weeks ago and in the midst of a tsunami of feelings, I kept asking myself….
What is my lesson here?
I have to admit that I am sometimes sick of the lessons. Just when I think everything is fine, WHAM…another damn lesson!

Disappointment is usually a surprise. If it is not a surprise and you are expecting to be disappointed, that is a habitual way of living. If we are in relationships where we are usually disappointed, then that is more about the choices we are making, as opposed to what the other people are doing.

Let me break it down like this.
Let’s say that I make frequent lunch dates with Jackie and she is ALWAYS late and I am always disappointed. Why do I continue to make lunch dates with Jackie?
Maybe I need to ask Jackie if lunchtime is bad for her and decide on a better time.
Maybe Jackie really likes me and really wants to meet with me, but is afraid to suggest another time because she thinks I am super busy.
It is incumbent upon me to have a real conversation with Jackie so we can set up better times to meet.
If, however, Jackie laughs and tells me she is always late, then we have another issue.
I have had people tell me that they are always late and they laugh it off. I usually say that I find it rude and selfish for people to think that being late is “just the way it is.”

Disappointment is part of life and it is up to us to handle the everyday disappointments with finesse and humanity. We have to be able to forgive and get on with what’s important. If the disappointments keep piling on and they are from the same people, then you have to have a “powwow” to find out the root cause.

If you do nothing, nothing will change.
We are in charge of our lives and we teach people how to treat us.

Love & light,

Indrani

Brushing teeth with salty water….

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I have been given the gift of some strong lessons this week.cry via sharelleandms.blogspot
The lessons were fast and furious. I was not prepared. I had let my guard down.

I managed to get through one night, then two nights and foolishly felt that the pain was gone.

I woke the next morning and began to brush my teeth to prepare for the day and thought, “How odd….the water is so warm and salty.”

I stopped to fiddle with the tap, only to realize that the water was OFF.
The warm and salty water was coming from my eyes. I was crying and didn’t even know it.

The eye faucets were wide open and I was drowning.

I allowed the tooth brush to fall into the sink and my head fell in after it and I wept.
I allowed the weeping to escape. I did not care that my hair was in the sink.
I only cared to weep.
Then, just as it began, the weeping stopped. I tied up my hair and continued to brush my teeth.

I have learned to accept that emotions come in waves.

When the wave crests I sometimes need to cry or weep. Sometimes the emotions are positive and I laugh out loud. I feel overcome by the emotion, whether I see it as positive or negative. What difference does it make to my brain whether I am crying out loud because of sadness or laughing out loud because of a joke?

My brain just needs me to honor the emotion and not shove them inside.

Society tells me that laughing out loud is more socially acceptable than weeping out loud.
I have even been told to “not laugh so hard” because I am embarrassing myself. Truth be told…I was actually embarrassing the other person.

So maybe you will find yourself with warm, salty water dripping from your saddened face and a tooth brush in your hand. Put down the toothbrush and honor the tears. You will feel a lot better, I promise.

Love and light,
Indrani

A Chameleon of the first order…

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Do you have to be a different person to appease certain people? Have you ever experienced anxiety when visiting certain folks or when certain folks visit you? Have you chameleon via kaibara87 on Flickrever had to pretend to be something you are not?

Do you like who you are? Are you surrounded by people who truly appreciate who you are?

Make a short of list of people that you can be yourself around.
Over the course of the next few weeks, keep note of how often you see those people or how often you speak to them. (And I’m not talking on Facebook.)

Make another list of people with whom you feel squeezed and anxious and make note of how much time you spend with them.

The first list needs to be the people with whom you are hanging out with….and I mean investing time with them.
If people on the second list are at work and you feel stuck then ask yourself how you can create or craft different relationships with some of them or even one of them.
Often times, we think we know a person, but we really have no idea of whom or what they really are.
Can you find a way to go deeper into curiosity about someone on the second list?

There was a time in my life when the first list was almost non-existent and I longed for such people in my life. I longed for people with whom I could cry and laugh out loud and not be judged. I created intentions to attract such people into my life. I imagined what it would be like to feel supported and unconditionally loved and I sat in meditation and sent energy to those who wanted to find me. It took a while longer than I hoped but now I look at my first list of supportive friends and I break into a huge grin.

Just the other day, I had a day of deep sadness and grief. I called two people, not to come running, but just to listen to me….AND they came running!
I offer thanks to KW and JC for all their love and support. I needed you and you were there!
I am a lucky woman.

Dear reader,

You can have support as well. All you have to do is envision the type of people you want to be surrounded by and then become to others what you want to attract to yourself.

Love and light,
Indrani

OBEY….

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Such a small word….yet, so many hidden consequences.

I do not know if modern wedding vows still tell a woman to obey her husband…this always bothered me.
Who decided that “certain” groups should OBEY certain other groups?
Children should obey their parents, even when the parent says to NOT tell the truth about sexual abuse within the family?
Wives should obey husbands, even when they are being instructed to do demeaning and sub-human activities? Or being treated like a slave, not receiving any respect or shown any kindness?

When abuse is taking place within a family system, this concept of OBEY becomes extremely problematic.
Should we obey to the point of emotional death?
Should atrocious acts against our person be allowed to continue because our Holy texts admonish us to OBEY?
Should we continue to accept the truck loads of blame dumped on to us because standing up to the in-house bullies will be seen as treason and disobedience?
Is keeping the family secrets more important than treating ourselves with love and kindness?

These are questions we must all answer for ourselves.

I hope you chose to treat yourself with kindness and respect even if those with whom you live refuse to give you the time of day except when they yell, shout and berate you.

It takes great courage to look at your tear stained face in the mirror and say to yourself, “No more will I accept this treatment, these hateful words and this constant barrage upon my soul.”

May you be blessed with courage, vast and strong.
May you be blessed with compassion for yourself.
May you be filled with self empathy and self resilience.
May your heart be free of all past burdens.

Love and light,
Indrani

Never settle…..

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“Do you ever sometimes wonder, Indrani, if you shouldn’t just come down to earth and settle for a bit less?”top of the world via michelleatcambridge.blogspot

I subscribe to a daily dose of inspiration and this is what came the other day!

What LESS would I settle for?
That only I be safe?
Only my family? Or my village/country/continent?
Only brown people or white people or yellow or green?
Only Christians or Hindus or Muslims or Atheists?
NONE of us can settle. We must all save all of US!

Love and light,
Indrani

Will you RISE with us tomorrow…..

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Tomorrow we ask that you….

-Step out of your home.

-Step out of your office.

-Step out of your comfort zone…..to STRIKE, DANCE AND RISE!

On February 14th, 2013, One Billion Rising is inviting one billion women and those who love them to WALK OUT, DANCE, RISE UP and DEMAND an end to violence against women and girls.

What does one billion look like? On February 14th, 2013, it will look like a REVOLUTION!

Visit the following link to JOIN A RISING in your area.

http://www.onebillionrising.org/page/event/search_simple

One Million Rising

Expired Skill Sets…

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The definition of SKILL is the learned power of doing something competently: a developed aptitude or ability.hourglass2 via blog.163.com

My definition of skill is “something I have practiced.”

During my tenure here on earth, I have practiced many skill sets that served me in the past but do not serve me here in the present.

For example, as a young child being beaten by my caretakers, I cowered and cried for mercy. However, I don’t need to cower and cry these days.

When I lived in NYC as a young woman, sarcasm came in handy with cheeky men and hateful coworkers. No need for sarcasm anymore…although I still use it from time to time, sorry to say.

While on vacation recently, I found myself in a bit of a bind when the outfit I brought for a wedding was suddenly not the thing to wear. I had to allow myself the luxury of the emotions that I felt and at the same time had to call upon new skill sets, like forgiveness and letting go, to help me navigate the incident.

I came through and I chalked it up to just another life lesson. One of the most important skills I used there was the skill of GRATITUDE. I made a mental list of all the things that had gone right and made a determined effort not to allow a few negatives to outweigh all of the positives.

One of the things I used to do was to allow negative life events to have more “weight” than positive life events. I now give every event the same score. Even if I feel like weighing one more than the next, I still do not trust myself to give a realistic score, so everything gets a score of one. At the end of the day, if I have more positives than negatives, I am good!

I am still trying to figure out which things need to be weighed heavier than others and which things are deal breakers. This is a good start for me, for in the past everything was a deal breaker and I was always ready to flee from a tense situation. Now I can call upon new skill sets to deal with the issues at hand and not infest the present with the hurts of the past.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from a therapist is this….
“Indrani, this is not a court of law, stop your case building.”
Ouch.
So I have been trying to unlearn that very skill…Case Building. Now I look for the things I am grateful for and hope that there is more on the plus side than not.

Skills I no longer need:
1. Temper tantrums.
2. Sarcasm. (Well, I might need this one sometimes.)
3. Case building. No more dredging up all the old hurts and bringing it into the present moment.
4. Feeling worthless.
5. Minding other people’s business.
6. Giving my power away.

I can go on and on…I hope you get the picture.
A skill is something you have learned to do. If you can learn it, you can unlearn it.
Sometimes, unlearning is just what you need to have a more peaceful life.

I wrote a blog long ago about expiration dates on beliefs…you can read it here:
http://indranislight.org/2009/11/out-dated-beliefs/

I hope you take a few ideas from these two posts to apply new skills and let go of expired ones.

Love and light,
Indrani