All posts by Indrani Goradia

Why can’t you read my mind?

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When my kids were very young I told them
that I could read their minds. That got them to “own up” pretty quickly to who had done what. That lasted all of 3 days. I must admit…they were pretty smart for their age.

One thing that was worse however was that I expected other people to read my mind and to automatically know what I expected and what made me happy. I mean, if I actually had to ASK for what I wanted, then what was the good of it? I not only expected it, I was UNAWARE that I expected it. Further, I had NO idea what I really wanted! So even if someone did something awesome, I could not fully appreciate it.

The first inclination I had that something was really skewed with my thinking was when a therapist asked me “what I wanted from life”.
What?
What kind of stupid question was that?
“I want what everyone wants!” was my sarcastic quip.
“Really?” he replied. “What does everyone want?”
“People want to be happy! I want to be happy!”
He, in his infinite patience replied, “So what would make you happy?”

Then I was stumped.

I DID NOT know the answer to that question.

My brain felt like it was on the spin cycle and no one was going to press the done button.

That was the beginning of my quest for what would make me happy.

I tried to continue to please everyone, but with GUSTO. I mean if I really LOST myself in making others happy…then surely I would be happy?

It did not work.
Some of those people that I was DYING to please STILL were not happy.
They wanted more and more and still more.
I tried to find the “more” and I became LESS. I had less energy for my dreams, less energy for my self-care and less connections to the people I cared about. In trying to please the FEW, I neglected myself and everything else that was important to me.

The term “DYING to please” was very real to me. I put anything healthy for myself on the back burner. Hell, it was NOT even on the stove top. It was stored away with all the junk that I no longer needed.

I had to learn to put myself back on the stove, then FIRST on my list.
I had to learn to say out loud what it was that I wanted and not expect people to read my mind.
I had to learn to set very clear boundaries around what I would and would not do.
I had to learn about what made me happy.

I saw everything as a lesson. Some lessons I loved and others I hated.
I did less and less of what I hated and more of what I loved.

This is how I learned to speak my truth and how to stop expecting others to read my mind.
Thinking back now, I can’t believe that I ever wanted someone to be able to read my mind.  All my secrets would be fair game and that is a scary thought.

Love and light,

Indrani

Who’s Minding Your LIFE?

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Yesterday I had the chance to “fix” a problem for someone.
This person called me and they were sad and crying. I am a good fixer.
I am a really good fixer.
Then, I took a few moments to ponder if this was something that I really wanted to deal with.

I decided to not do it.
Why would I not do it?
The answer is so very simple.

I did not have the emotional bandwidth.
I could not sustain what needed to be done for them with everything that needed to be done for me.

I was already experiencing stress just from hearing the request and I knew if I did not pay attention to what was happening with me internally, I would make decisions that I would regret.

This skill did not come easily. I have been NOT paying attention to my own self for the majority of my life. Whenever I met someone who was able to decline “fixing” others I was amazed. I felt like I would never get to the point where I would be able to stand firm in a decision that was good for me.
But I was wrong.

The book that saved me from a fate of “chronic people pleasing” is The Power of a Positive NO by William Ury. I encourage you all to read this book. Inhale it slowly and digest every word.

I will give you one of the tips that Ury presents in the book. He says that people fail to say NO in the following ways:
-Accommodation
-Avoidance
-Aggression

We accommodate because of fear of reprisals if we say no.
We avoid the person all together so that we do not have to deal with the issue.
When avoiding does not work we feel trapped and acquiesce but with
anger. We end up shouting and blaming the other person saying “you made me do it.”

No one can make you do anything.
The words that people speak can be hurtful and you can feel abandoned because those involved did not see your point of view…but that still cannot MAKE you do anything.
We end up doing things because we cannot stand the “pressure” and we give in.

Building up resilience to “pressure” is what we need to do so that we will be firm in our resolve to stay in our own business and mind our own life.

Sitting in the midst of the pressure from outsiders can feel like you are going to cave in, but you will not. Your body is strong and will not collapse. It is your resolve that collapses. Allow yourself to feel the pressure and share the painful experience with a trusted friend or therapist. That is exactly what needs to happen in order to build
up resilience. It takes time. Only YOU can do it. No one can “give” you the strength to sit with the discomfort. It is a decision you have to make in order to save your own sanity.

If you don’t save your own sanity who will?

If you are not minding your own life, who is?

Love and light,
Indrani

The Ulysses Contract….

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Allow me to refresh your memory of how
Ulysses saved himself from the sirens.
He made his men lash him to the mast of the ship and plug their own ears with wax so that they would not fall prey to the sirens or follow his pleas and demands to be untied and ultimately die.

He saved himself and he saved his men.
The siren’s song was legendary.
Men who became bewitched by the sirens singing steered their ships upon rocks and perished. Ulysses knew what was waiting. He knew that he had no choice but to take that route.

So, instead of “hoping” for the best, he made a plan.
His plan was a two part plan.

Why two parts?
He KNEW himself. He knew that even though he was lashed to the mast he would have screamed and shouted demands at his men until they untied him…and how dare they disobey the “King of Ithaca”?

What can we modern folk learn from this ancient warrior?
Are these lessons even applicable today?

YES, the lessons are still very applicable.

Do you have any cravings?
Do you have any addictions?
Do you “invest” money while watching home shopping network?
Have you ever been caught by an infomercial?
Do you eat unhealthy foods?

Any of the above can be a situation under which you could make a Ulysses contract with yourself.

If you eat the cheesecake…you will do extra time on the treadmill.
If you spend too much on HSN…you will NOT watch the channel for one week or one month.

Be aware that the second part of the contract requires that you make someone a part of the plan so that you ensure success.

Take a look at the events in your life that occur frequently and ask yourself what sort of plan you can put in place to make better decisions and have happier outcomes.

There is a country western song with these lyrics “tequila makes her clothes fall off”.

In this case she needs to wear a body suit that is mighty hard to take off if she wants to still drink tequila.

Cute undies just may not be enough 🙂

What are your challenges? What’s your tequila?

Love and light
Indrani

Who’s the boss of YOU?

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Do you remember your kids ever screaming “you’re not the boss of me”?
The fact of the matter is you were the boss of them. They knew it and you knew it.
Who have you given the power to be the boss of you?

Who is the boss of you?

Bosses have power.
Bosses tell us what to do.
They hold our future in their hand.
They can fire us.
They can choose to compliment us or chew us out.
We feel that we must behave a certain way around them for fear of a disapproving look or a nasty comment.

Now I would like you to review the previous statements and change the
words “bosses” and “they” to I. Change “us” to me.

So the first would read:

I have power.

I am not asking you to “believe” the reworded sentences…I’m just asking you to notice how they make you feel.
Do they make you squirm?
Do they make you sit up and take notice?

When we give our power away, it is likely that we have done it for a long time. We may have allowed our parents to make important decisions for us, long after our childhoods. We may allow our superiors or elders to tell us what to think and what to believe.
We may never dream to question the status quo.
These are learned behaviors.
If we can learn something then we can unlearn it.

Are there things you want to unlearn?
Are there people from whom you want to withdraw your power?
Are you ready to be the ONLY BOSS of you?

I invite you to ponder the points made in this blog.

May the power be with you!

Love and light
Indrani

Get out of your way…

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Getting out of your way is not a 10 year plan…it is a NOW plan.
It is a DECIDE and IMPLEMENT plan.

Most of all, it is a promise you make to YOURSELF to move ahead with your dreams and take a risk.

I learned how to swim competitively to complete an Olympic Distance Triathlon. I took a risk and came in dead last but I FINISHED and I will always be a triathlete.

Take a risk.

Get out of your way.

Go dream a big dream.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Guilty until proven innocent…

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No, that is not a typo.

What happens in our own minds when we feel someone has wronged us?

We immediately sentence them, don’t we? We KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are GUILTY of whatever we are thinking.

There is NO jury that can convince us otherwise.

There is NO ONE who can talk us out of the litany of offenses and the amount of times that they have wronged us. We are the JUDGE and the JURY.

We begin to “build a case” in our minds and we have long running mental tirades with ourselves. We become more and more convinced that they not only committed the crime but they premeditated it and all because they hate us. Yes, we begin to write such far out scripts that soon we don’t even remember what their latest offense was…only that WE WERE ABSOLUTELY OFFENDED!

So let me suggest a way for you to move through this.

When you are:
Pissed off
Ticked off
Frustrated
Very Angry
Ready to Explode
Exploding

Ask yourself this question. WHO must do WHAT to make you feel better?

Fill in the sentence below:

________________________ (insert offender) must do ____________________________ (insert action they must do) so that I can stop being _________________________ (insert emotion). When ____________________ does ____________________ then I will feel___________________________.

Really take your time with these sentences. Read and reread to be sure it accuses the right person and be sure you have determined precisely what they must do to atone for their behaviors/words etc.

Now take a marker and cross out THEIR name and insert the pronoun “I”.
Really? Really? YES, really!

You alone are responsible for your feelings.
Please be aware that this exercise does NOT apply to abuse of any sort.
If you are experiencing any form of abuse PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY.

If this is NOT about abuse, then these exercises will help you to focus on WHO is in charge of YOUR emotions.

Remember, no one can make you feel anything without your permission.

Love and light
Indrani

 

Compassion fatigue…when caregivers are too tired to care!

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What happens to ME when I get sick from doing too much for YOU?
What happens to YOU when I can no longer hold you in my heart with love and respect because I am tired of your pain?
What happens to MY PAIN when I cannot find a way to see through your pain and into your soul?
What happens to all of us when we begin to shut down our hearts and rely on formulaic “fixes”?

These are very important questions if you are in the healing worlds of:
Mothering
Fathering
Sistering
Brothering
Coaching
Counseling
Ministering
Wife-ing
Husband-ing

You must have a place to go that is safe…a place where you will NOT be judged for being tired of caring or care taking.
A place where it’s okay to say “I am tired, I am sick AND tired.”

You are human. Humans get tired.
Fatigue does not last forever. When you are fatigued you need rest. You need physical rest, mental rest and emotional rest.
Allowing yourself to rest will give you a chance to be clear. Clarity is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.

Here are a few things that may help on a weekly or monthly basis:

A massage- There are many massage schools that charge very little so their students can practice.

A support group- find one where members have issues in common with yours. You will see that you are not alone. If you have an addiction, then try a 12 step group.
Read this blog by Kay Walten to see how much healing she is receiving from the 12 step group she stumbled into.

A yoga or meditation class- Many studios offer scholarship money for needy students. Ask and you probably will receive.

Plan a Gratitude party for your friends- Tell them who is coming and ask them to write an anonymous note to each person and focus on that person’s greatness. Ask each person to bring a small dish to share. Do not overindulge in alcohol, it dulls the senses.

Beware of compassion fatigue. It makes the sanest among us crazy…and when the brain is crazy you are not your best self.

Love and light,

Indrani

If I shave my head, will I still love myself?

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A few weeks ago, I was watching the 10th episode of the Amazing Race where the fast forward called for the contestants
to shave their heads. The team who pulled this coveted gem chose not to use the fast-forward, which would have brought them to the top of the line.

Why did they not use it?

The female member of the team could not reconcile shaving her head because she had spent $500.00 on hair extensions.

I have been thinking about that choice quite extensively.

Here we have a woman who is an amazing athlete. She has survived for 10 episodes and has undertaken and conquered tasks that she could not have even imagined doing just a few years ago.

BUT how does she see herself?

She sees herself as the woman with a big nose and a need hair for extensions to look pretty.

As the whole world looks on and admires her, she sees nothing more than a big nose and her need for hair extensions.

What kind of message did she have to internalize for her to reflect so microscopically on her gifts? What kind of words had she been exposed to that caused her to digest all the marketing that we women are bombarded with?

I am getting old and much of that marketing no longer applies to me, except that they keep trying to get me to look younger.

I see the younger generation and I cringe at all the unlearning they must do to have a healthy acceptance of self.

I see the toddlers playing with dolls that have more boobs than an Amazon woman, and wonder when they will want their breasts enlarged.

I see all the beautiful celebrities who have undergone plastic surgery only to emerge looking like someone else.

I do not know what we can do as a strong feminine presence to stop this delusion of “what a woman should look like” but I do know that as thinking parents we must start pointing out these atrocities to our kids.

It is easy to think that they’ll figure it out, but will they figure it out before the scars of “not being good enough” make an indelible mark?

I am not saying that I have the answers.
What I do have is lots of trepidation about why, as a society, we are still so focused on outer appearances.

To that Amazing Race contestant, I say:
“honey, you are strong, beautiful and brave. Those things have NOTHING to do with your nose or your hair extensions.”

Oh, and by the way, that guy you are racing with showed the most love and acceptance any one could show under those circumstances. He accepted your decision without any negative comments. He is the poster boy for “support your partner, no matter what.”

Love and light,

Indrani

The hourglass called LIFE…

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One of my favorite songs is called BREATHE by Anna Nalick. One of the lines in this wonderful song is “life’s like an hour glass glued to the
table”.

The visual is quite glaring, no flip-overs. What’s done is DONE! My take on this is what’s done is not necessarily GONE!
How can that be?

Yes, time passes, but the memories and lessons last as long as they serve me.

Here is the thing that gets many of us into tons of trouble…

I can make sad memories last FOREVER. I turn them every which way from Sunday. I ponder about things I could’ve done, should’ve done or would do if I am ever in that same situation again.

What I am really doing is wasting the sands that are flowing through the hourglass right now. Instead, if I try to learn what I did well and promise myself that I WILL NOT repeat what I did that brought sadness then I am most surely using those grains of sand to the best possible end.

I have hourglasses strewn throughout my home and office and I often just flip them over to remind myself that those grains of sand really do represent my moments here on earth…moments that are precious and perfect.

Go out and find yourself a beautiful hourglass and keep it in view. When you feel yourself wasting time or fretting about things that cannot be changed, like the weather or a cranky family member, flip the hourglass. This can work one of two ways:

1.) Fret for as long as there is sand left on the top and make it a best fretting you have ever done…then be done!

Or

2.) Use it to remind yourself that the grains represent precious time and start being grateful for all the good in your life.

Time is precious…
You are precious…
Life is precious…

Happy hunting for your hourglass!

Love and light
Indrani