All posts by Indrani Goradia

I always wanted a cape…

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No, I never wanted a cape of wool, cashmere, or mink.
I want a cape that shimmers in the face of wrong doing.
I want a cape that shines in the instance of injustice.
I want cape colored bright in a dark world of harm.
I want a super hero’s cape!

Instead?

I got a nose.

Donned with the red nose of a clown, I recently went to Guatemala to visit children and adults who were in hospitals and institutions.
A red nose is hardly something that gives a person super powers by any means.

But that red nose gave me:
-The power to look beyond the grim, sad cinder block buildings that housed people who lived beyond the fringe of society and poverty.
-The power to face my own fears of reaching out and touching and loving those suffering people who needed love.
-The power to laugh, dance and be silly in dismal conditions to raise up a smile in a person that seemed impossible to reach as they were trapped in their ill mind.
-The power to put my judgments, preconceived notions and ignorance aside to be genuine and to look at others with love.

I want to challenge you to be someone’s super hero. No, I don’t want you to travel to far and distant places or leap tall buildings in a single bound.

What can you use as your cape to give you the power to drop your fears and judgments and to reach out to people who could use love, understanding and compassion in your life?

Kay Walten

When I say NO… Do you hear MAYBE?

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A case study in Nonviolent communication.

I just got a call from a charity for Breast Cancer Research asking for
a little something for underprivileged women.
This is how it began:
Me …Hello
Them…Is the lady of the house there?
Me…Who’s calling?

Note that I did not say… Oh yes, I am the lady of the house…

Them… This is so and so and we serve women who cannot…..

Me… I support breast cancer research and will not be able to support
your organization.

Them…Please do not draw the line, these women cannot pay their rent….etc

Now I am pissed, she did not hear my NO.
But then I think of the book Nonviolent Communication that I have
been devouring and I think, oh what a great time to use it here.

So I quickly do:
O
F
N
R

O- observe what is happening.

F- feel my feelings… I knew that I was feeling irritated and I
started down a road of “if she only knew how much I donate”… Then I stopped
myself.

N- What are my needs and what are her needs? She needs me to give her
money and I need to be true to my established charity budget and not go over
that amount.

R- What request am I going to make based on MY needs?

So let’s return to the conversation

Them…Please don’t draw the line….
Me…Amanda, I support Breast Cancer research and I am NOT going to
give anything more at this moment.

My voice was clear and precise and very purposeful.
She heard it and responded.

Them… Oh, thanks for supporting Breast Cancer.
Me… You are welcome.

Here’s what I did:
I knew my NO.
I knew why I was saying NO.
I did not let myself get caught up in the story of her population, not
out of not caring for them but out of a very caring place for me and
where I put my charity dollars. I really believe that I am doing what
I can do and I will do more when I decide it is time to do more.

If you go back up to the top of the post you will see many little
things that could have derailed me…
-Request for a little something
-The story of who needs the help
-Her telling me that I have drawn a line

NONE of those things matter when you are standing on solid ground.
This makes me sound like a right winger. I am neither a left winger
nor a right winger. I am simply following the plan that I set out at
the beginning of the year before the charities had a chance to get to
my emotions.

Emotions have a big role in what we give and who we give to BUT giving
has to support the bigger picture and must come from the heart.

This lesson is especially true for your energy. Money is easier to
find than energy.

A dear friend, Gretchen Pisano (www.soundingboardink.com) taught me
this past week that we all have units of energy and we must manage our
energy, not just our time and I am adding not just our other resources.

When people make requests of you that involve energy expenditures, you
have to use:

O… Observe what is happening without evaluating… You will know if
you are evaluating if words like should and must pop into your
mind/conversation.

Here are some examples of observations and evaluations from Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg
1. John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.
2. My father is a good man
3. Pam was first in line every day this week.
What was an observation VS evaluation here?

F…knowing what we are feeling and expressing what we are feeling.
I realized rather quickly after she said ” drawing a line” that I was
getting irritated, and I could have spoken instead to “how dare you
tell me I am drawing a line blah, blah, blah” but I just FELT the
feelings and then asked myself what I wanted for me…what is my
request of me, not of her? I could wish that no one hits me up for
money anymore, but I can only be in charge of what I will do when it
does happen.

Here are examples from Rosenberg about statements of feelings
1. I feel like hitting you.
2. I feel good about what you did for me.
3. You’re disgusting.
What is a feeling VS a non-feeling here?

N…knowing what you need is taking responsibility for your feelings.
In my case with Amanda, I was irritated because I had an unmet need
for HER to know that I am generous and that I do not draw lines around
charity giving. I am very purposeful and give quite freely. In this
case, Amanda’s job was to get my money. My job was not to keep it from
her but for ME to KNOW what I was willing to do and not do. I met my
need for acknowledgement of generosity by telling myself that I was
generous and by communicating it to her very purposefully.

Here are some examples of needs from Rosenberg… Remember a need is
taking responsibility for YOUR feelings.
1. I feel frustrated when you come late.
2. I feel disappointed that you said you would do it and you did not.
3. I feel scared when you raise your voice.
Which of the above statements takes responsibility for their own feelings?

R…request of others in order to enrich life for us…Rosenberg
In this case vague language will not help clarify the situation… E.g.
you know Amanda, I kinda give a lot and I feel so bad and I don’t know
what to do because…
This language does not serve me. Being clear and requesting what I
want is called for here. I could have said “I do not want you to ask me for a donation”, but I chose to focus on saying what I do and
saying what I was not going to do.
I also did not use a negative as in “I won’t give to you” I used a
positive as in “I give generously already”.

Here are some examples of requesting statements that are very clear
and not so clear.
1. I want you to understand me.
2. I want you to stop drinking.
3. I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.
Which statements are clear VS vague?

This way of communicating is not easy, as we have been taught to
use language to onshore what we truly feel. This way we won’t feel
vulnerable.
A brilliant woman, Brene Brown tells us that vulnerability is the key to
being who we are and getting what we want from life.
Hear her Vulnerability TED talk here.

I also recommend that you read
Nonviolent Communication.

If you are having judgments of whether I should have given in to the
charity that is a whole other conversation called a moralistic
judgment. You can have a VALUE of charity giving, but when you start
judging others on HOW much and how often they SHOULD give, then we are
getting on our moral high horse.

Love and light
Indrani

Have you created an orphan?

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Have you abandoned a child?
Have you abandoned a child who has wide-eyed wonder?
Have you abandoned a child that tugs at your sleeve while you are trying to work?
Have you abandoned a child who wants you to take them out to play?
Have you abandoned a child who needs warmth and security?
Have you abandoned a child who wants to show creativity through art, dance or song?

No?  Take a look, not at the children around you, but at your inner child.

Do you allow yourself to look at the world without judgment, but instead with openness and wonder?
Do you listen to that inner child who is trying to get your attention?
Do you take time for your inner child to lead you away from your desk, your responsibilities and to just be carefree, even for a little while?
Do you help your inner child seek the warmth and security it needs?
Do you allow your inner child to skip around the room, sing in the shower, try a craft or make cookies?

If you answered no to any of the above, you may be adding to the orphans of the universe.  You may not have abandoned an actual child but you have abandoned yourself.

Your inner child never grows up, it never has to.

There are so many unloved children in the world, don’t add to the list.
Love yourself and your inner child.

Once you do that you may find an abundance of love to offer others.

Kay Walten

To laugh, or not to laugh? That is the question…

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I just got home from the MBI Summit (Martha Beck Coach Conference)
and I am ready to REST.

BUT before I rest I must tell you something really funny.

The first morning of the Summit started off with a delicious welcome by Jessica Steward, Alexis Robin and Gretchen Pisano. They were organized, energized and actualized ready to lead some 320 plus coaches on a three day adventure. We would learn to write better blogs or books, grow our businesses in new and amazing ways, listen to Martha’s wisdom and buy sumptuous market place products made by our compadres as well as loads of other stuff!
We were ready!

BUT first we would LAUGH… At least that was the hope.

Yours truly got the head nod from Jessica and I let my biggest and
boldest belly laugh burst forth from my throat. I even surprised
myself as to how loud my laugh sounded.
I realized that people did not immediately understand what was
happening so I leapt upon my chair and started waving my hands wildly
trying to encourage my fellow coaches to rip the roof off with the
loudest laughter we could muster.
Some took the hint and I began to hear the laughing all around me.
I was really surprised however that it was not louder. We had about
320 mouths in that room that had to be hushed just a few minutes prior
and now some were being… SHY?

The laughter soon died down and we got around to the more serious business.

Then the MOST curious thing started to happen.
People started coming up to me and offering their thoughts on the
whole laughter thing.

Here are a few of the offerings:

You made me jump up and laugh, thanks.

Seeing you standing on the chair laughing was too funny.

Was that laughter yoga?

Are you certified in laughter yoga?

Why didn’t we know that we were supposed to laugh?…. Wait what???

Why didn’t you put many people around the room to show people how to do it?

Some of these offerings were easy to understand, some required a
simple response like, “no I am not laughter yoga certified, and I was just laughing not
doing laughter yoga”.

Others were really confusing, and that too from a group of coaches who
are trained to question the thoughts.

How far have we come from doing what is natural?
If the room was on fire would you have to be told to RUN?
If you we suddenly cold because of the air conditioner, would you need
permission to put on a sweater?
If you were thirsty do you need permission to take a sip of water?

I am betting the answer is NO to all of the above.

Some people were waiting for a cue, or a specific leader, or an
instruction that may sound like “laugh now”.

I remain amused and bemused by the variety of responses to my laughter outburst.
I can take heart in one thing however, no one told me that my voice
hurt their ears or to shut up, as has happened on some occasions.
So for that I am grateful.
I am also grateful that I had the courage to look silly and sound
silly and allowed others to find their “silly” because I tell you
what, there is much too much “unsilly”
going around.

So laugh your butts off and here is a short recording of laughter to
get you started.

Laughter IS the best medicine!

Keep laughing, just for the health of it. It really is the best
medicine, but only if you really want to be healed.

Love, light and LAUGHTER,
Indrani

IT’S ALL IN THE NOSE!

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It’s all in the nose that makes a child with down-syndrome run towards you with open arms for a hug.
It’s all in the nose that makes children hide behind their mother’s skirt, and peek from behind it.
It’s all in the nose that brings warm, kindness and love to the abandoned HIV positive child.

It’s all in the nose that brings a smile to the parents as you share a balloon with their child who has cancer.
It’s all in the nose that brings a sigh of relief to the overworked nurse when we pick up a crying baby to hold.
It’s all in the nose that makes families waiting in the ER take a few easier breathes as they wait for a doctor to see their child.

It’s all in the nose that makes an elderly person get up and dance as if they were young again.
It’s all in the nose that gets that old person to crack a smile.
It’s all in the nose that takes the old lady from feeling lonely to feeling loved.

It’s all in the nose that makes a policeman directing traffic smile and wave.
It’s all in the nose that gets a toothless grin from a woman making tortillas on the curb.
It’s all in the nose that makes men blow kisses to the clown bus as they walk down the street.

It’s all in the nose that gives us clowns strength to see a once beautiful old woman playing with a stuffed toy.
It’s all in the nose that helps us hold back the tears as we see abandoned children in an orphanage.
It’s all in the nose that gave me the strength to watch a doctor siphon fluid from a baby’s lungs, while she was not breathing, and resuscitate her again.

It’s all in the nose that brings all of humanity just a bit closer.

 

Daring to question the regular-ness of life…

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When time is non linear…it is super sweet.
I just spent 8 days with 25 strangers.
After 8 days a normal person would not expect to know more than a few
of these people and, not very well.
I have known people for far longer than 8 days and still feel like I do not know them at all. I have limited and shallow conversations with them and am relieved when we part. I am sure they feel much the same. It is funny how we humans can hide behind social masks and cultural “SHOULD” masks that make it easy to remain invisible. Marshall B. Rosenberg says that “should” is a violent word. I agree. All of the “shoulding” I have done on myself and on others has only brought me pain and distance and has contributed to my being invisible.

Staying invisible to most of the world makes it safe for me. Often
times when I take risks and show my vulnerabilities to those I think I
can trust leaves me really regretting the risk I took.
Something as simple as needing to tell someone that I am sad and need
to cry can, and often does, bring out the fear in them that makes them
strike back with a “oh for God’s sake, get over it. Others have it so much worse”.

But on this clown trip to Guatemala I took risks with strangers. I
took risks with being vulnerable. I told strangers that I loved them
and I really meant it. They accepted it without hesitation.
I cried within the safety of the circle and they accepted it without
judgment. How freeing that felt to be held in safety and non judgment.
Instead of words during an intense hour of sharing, I chose to walk
around the circle and share energy by looking into their eyes as I
send good wishes of peace and love. Everyone chose to look back at my
soul and accept my love.

How can this happen in so short a time?
Why can we not have safety and acceptance from those closest and dearest to us?
What are we so afraid of?

I am afraid that I will be judged and labeled.
I have been labeled in the past as “too emotional” which only meant that I wore my heart on my sleeve and that I dared to show my vulnerabilities.
So now, my heart remains hidden and I play the social game and everyone seems to be so much happier for it.

But am I?
Am I happier to be locked away and closed off for fear of being labeled?

Questions, too many to list.
Answers, too few at this moment.

I have learned to be happy with questions because they make me curious about
the plethora of responses waiting in my heart.

I invite you to question all the facets of your life and be quiet in
the safety of the questions.
Do not grasp for answers. They are there and they will find you.
Your job is to keep questioning.
Be grateful that YOU CAN dare to question your life and world.
Questions are the essence of all new discoveries.
Questions belong to those of us who are awake.
Awaken and question.
Dream and question.
Live your life and watch the answers unfold right in front of your eyes.

Love and light,
Indrani

I was there…now I am here…

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A few hours ago I was in Guatemala sitting and laughing with a group who came together in a serendipitous and synchronistic way to bring smiles to lonely and hurting folk. That was our ONLY purpose. We searched out second hand shops and costume stores, raided our husband’s closets and searched deep within our hearts to find our inner clown.

We donned red noses held up with thin elastic string and we wrapped feather boas and other decorations in our hair and we clambered onto a bus and screamed and waved to innocent bystanders as we zoomed by them.

We were NOT ourselves and we were our BEST selves.
Patch Adams says,
“Clowning is my favorite me”.

This simple statement made immediate sense to me.
This however is not the only self that I loved on this trip.

I loved the self that:

  • taught the 16 year old new mom how to breast feed.
  • lovingly worked with a small boy who was severely handicapped and
    massaged his limbs for almost 75 minutes
  • held the head of an exhausted mother who waited for her child to wake
    up from surgery. She wept and I sang softly into her ear. Even though
    I sang in English and she only spoke Spanish we did connect at the
    soul level.
  • held a young clown who wept at the injustice of all that we saw and
    did not know what to do with all the emotions that he felt.
  • held an older clown who had just lost her dear four-legged friend to a
    hungry coyote. We screamed and cursed the coyote and then we accepted
    the circle of life and all the pain that it entails.
  • sat quietly on the bus and watched the volcanoes and felt immense
    gratitude for my eyes and my ability to come on this trip.

There are many other selves that I met and that I shared. All of them
had their place. I cannot really say that I had a favorite.

I have learned to like my selves.
I have learned to love my selves.
I have felt the joy of all my selves.

I invite you to begin to release some of your selves. Set them free.
Let them run wild. Allow them to trip and fall and get up again.

Make your nose red.
Get out of your head.
Put a smile on your face.
Make this world a sweeter place

Love & light,

Indrani

Lonesome…Lonely…Alone…

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What do these words mean to you?
Are you missing a person? Many people? Certain things?

Here’s a little exercise to try.
Remember the last time you were lonely or lonesome.
Really get back into the memory and allow yourself to feel  it in your body.
Now describe the feelings with some adjectives.

Now remember a time when you were deliciously excited.
Feel it all over and describe it with some adjectives.

Compare the two sets of adjectives.
Notice which set describes YOU most of the time.
If it’s the lonely set, why? What actions can you take to make a little shift.
If it’s the other set, how can you give yourself permission to be
present to feelings that seem foreign?

All feelings are good. The trick is to have a balanced set and be
happy with all the feelings that alight on your door.

Happy Feeling!

Love and light,
Indrani

Enough already, stop falling down!

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Imagine this…

A toddler gets the courage to take a few steps and falls. Mom and Dad
clap with outstretched arms and help her up.
She’s quite befuddled as to how she got up in the first place and now
how she got down.
She accepts the help that comes with a provision of hugs and kisses
and the perfect family continues to play this game until she becomes
utterly exhausted.

Tucked safely in her crib, Mom and Dad begin to strategize about
tomorrow’s walking lessons.
“We’ll walk behind her and not let her fall”
“We’ll install handles all over the house so she will always have a
way to stand up straight.”
They continue with their plans and they remember fondly how the baby
next door, just walked effortlessly in one day.

They are pleased with themselves and go to bed.
A few weeks later, baby is still struggling and keeps toppling, but seems
to be enjoying the process of standing up and falling down.

They change up the game plan but nothing seems to be working. This is
taking much longer than is convenient for them.

One day, they both look at each other in exasperation and as baby holds
out his hand for help they say,
” Enough already, stand up!”

Are you appalled?

I was cringing as I was creating this, it is so awful!
What awful parents!
Call CPS!

But wait a minute…
Don’t we do exactly this to ourselves as we are learning new behaviors?

We try to stand up for ourselves and say “NO! I will not accept that anymore”.

The other person fights back and makes us feel bad and we give up.
We give up because it is too painful to keep trying the new behavior and                                                                                                  fall on our face then try to find the strength to start all over again.

We look at ourselves in the mirror and yell at our reflection. We berate
the small person inside that keeps trying to make a happier life for
the “mature” person staring back at us.

I give you permission to treat yourself as a tender toddler and keep trying.
Do you have mean friends who keep putting you down and trying to
influence you to give up?

Say this to them:

Enough already with the negativity! If you cannot support my growth
then we have to renegotiate this relationship.

Have fun falling down and getting back up. Practice makes better. Let’s kick
perfection to the curb. Have fun with your missteps.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

What is an OUTCAST?

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What is an OUTCAST?
What is an INCAST?

The Webster dictionary describes an OUTCAST as a person who is rejected, degraded or expelled and driven from home or society.

So what does this mean to the INCASTS?

Do they reach out to the outcasts to try to find out if they are hurting? Do the outcasts try to reach back? Do outcasts know that they are considered outcasts?

Who makes the decision about which CAST you are in?

I am NOT smart enough to have any answers to these questions.
I only know that YET another shooting has occurred and more incasts are dead.
More incasts were terrorized by the outcast.

Can we AFFORD to hide behind these terms?

If you feel like an OUTCAST, please reach out for help…
and all you INCASTS, please reach out also and take someone by the hand.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/28/tj-lane-chardon-high-school-suspect_n_1306511.html#s733488