All posts by Indrani Goradia

I’m with the band…

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Help, I need somebody,Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before.

We all know this Beatles tune… but can you say help when you need it?

I have learned that this is what the 12 step program is all about, changing your mind and opening up the doors. For many of us we have lived a life never needing anybody’s help in any way. Now our egos, our shame seem to create a rift between us and the help we need. People who are OCD, control freaks, people pleasers, codependents, abused, abusers, alcoholics, addicts: we all have trouble asking for help.

Our independence seems to have vanished in the haze, and we fool ourselves into thinking if we just buck up we can work through the issues, but does this really make us hum a happy tune?

It is amazing, the comfort in sharing and listening during a support group gathering. Here is a band of people you don’t know, who have seen through the haze and asked for help and who have the strength to offer another person sitting right next to them through their challenges. They listen with a kindly tuned ear and a melodic, compassionate heart. They help lighten the tune of our dissonant chords of life.

And as a people pleaser myself I can say with confidence that trying to be the conductor who orchestrates lives to bring out everyone’s happiness is usually at my own expense. My song not being heard makes for an unbalanced symphony of life.

We are not alone with our instrument of life and when we share together in support it is a comforting melody.

People in support groups can be your band to help you find the music of inner peace and happiness.

You do not need to be one of the fab four to ask for help.

He said, she said…

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This age old story gets us nowhere fast!

Want to hear about another story that’s just like a dog trying to
catch his tail?

It goes like this:
Person A says, “You said you hated me!”
Person B says “I meant when you make fun of me. You make me feel stupid!”
Person A “If you say you hate me, you must mean it or you are stupid!”
Person B “God, if only you would just listen, but you always jump down my throat!”

Get it?

I am sure you have been here at some time or another.
This fight is not going anywhere good. Someone will get hurt…either
emotionally, physically or both.

What is this fight about?
It could be about frustration or desperation or lack of any emotion.

I know people who never speak when things are “good” so the only time
they communicate is when they are angry.

If this is you…
STOP
STOP NOW!
You are going nowhere fast.
Someone is looking to place blame and someone is looking to be rescued.
Both brains are in screech mode and what’s more, both adults have left the room.
The people screaming at each other are two tantrum-throwing 5 year olds.
You need to find a way to “tap out” like wrestlers.

If this is a diagnosis of your relationship, get some help. Get some
clarity for yourself.
Go to a minister or a therapist or a VERY trusted friend.
You need a neutral person.

BTW, when you do decide to get help, remember to work on YOU!
You are the only person you can change.
Yep, that sucks, but that’s a fact.

Change the face in the mirror.

No laughing matter

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If you have never been to a 12 step meeting (as I am certainly new to it all), the last thing you would expect is laughing. 

To the unknowing you would expect tears, sobbing, dismay, anger, sadness, frustration or anguish.  The last thing you would think to expect is laughing.  You would think that addiction, codependency, habits, hurts and hang-ups are no laughing matter and they are something serious that should not be joked about.  But there is laughter….

Laughter is not just for happiness.

Laughter can be a great coping mechanism. Laughter can be a sign of nervousness or stress.

 

In the meeting we laugh. We make gentle jokes about ourselves or our challenges to lessen the weight of the issue.

We laugh at sometimes the ridiculousness of our behaviors when we take a moment to look at them for what they are.

We laugh at the circumstance.

We laugh at ourselves.

We laugh with each other, not at each other.

We laugh in knowing we have done the same damn thing as the person sharing her story.

We laugh because we have let similar circumstances bring out the same feelings.

 

Laughter makes the unbearable bearable.

I think laughter is a sign of courage.

Last year, last month, yesterday …

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Our lives are made up of a series of yesterdays. Some are clumped as:

Childhood
Teenage years
Early twenties
In my thirties
The last twenty
Last month
Yesterday
Five minutes ago

It does not matter what labels we use, how we describe the past, the
plain fact is
IT IS IN THE PAST.
The only things that we need to take from our varied past are the
lessons, not the pains.
As we bump into familiar pains, pains that smell like, look like,
taste like and feel like the past, let’s give ourselves the
permissions to take the lessons and leave the rest.
Things change, they always do and they must. We cannot and must not hold
on to old patterns or behaviors. Old may mean tried and true. Old may
mean traditional. Old can even mean antique and expensive.

Old does not mean “stay stuck in this useless pattern.”

New years was 6 weeks ago.
That day was a long time ago.
Today is NOW.
Today is NEW.

If OLD behaviors are helpful and useful and wise, then repeat them.
If OLD behaviors cannot or do not support the true essence of who YOU are,
Then
Leave
It
In
Your
Yesterday.

New is not always great.
Old is not always bad.
Be picky.
Pick YOU!

Love & light,

Indrani

What did I step in?

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No, I did not have to look at the bottom of my shoes for dog poop.  

I unknowingly walked into a 12-step program last Friday.

Dis-ease wrapped around me like an itchy blanket.  I was very uncomfortable, but walking out would had been just as uncomfortable and embarrassing.  Hands folded in my lap, picking my fingers.  My leg shaking up and down nervously… “Grant me the serenity to accept…. to change the things I can…. and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Light bulb goes off in my head.

Accept the things I cannot change!
I had been saying these exact words throughout the week so I would stop beating myself up over things I could not change like the economy and other people’s attitudes and actions!

Change the things I can… Whoa I had been thinking about all the things that are within my power to change, work, situations, relationships with myself, others.

The wisdom to know the difference. YES, I have had to stop and think when I am angry, upset, frustrated… “Is this something I can change, yes or no?  If yes, then decide what I want to change it into. If no, then let it go and accept it as it is”.

I listened to the women in the circle as they said their name and shared.  As I listened I thought some women had the same challenges as me!

Hi, my name is Kay, and I actually stepped into the right place.

P.S. As a post script I want to say that there is a stigma, I think, attached to 12-step programs probably because it is so closely associated with AA.   But the 12-step program can be used for so many types of hang-ups, hurts and habits.  With life for many people riddled with frustrations, challenges, anger and not knowing, I think programs like this are an opportunity to see we are not “the only ones” with issues. It is an opportunity to speak our minds and our hearts without judgment.  And it is a time to listen to others and practice compassion. You may want to take a step and find out.

What’s your kryptonite?

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Do you all remember superman?

It used to make me cry when he was tricked into coming into contact
with kryptonite. Of course, back then I was but a mere child.
Why then, do I feel like a mere child when I get close to some of my
kryptonite substances?
Please allow me to explain.

I would say that most of the time, I am strong, confident and
secure. THEN, something happens and I want to fall to my knees and
stay in a fetal position.
These “things” that happen can be as simple as:
Someone giving me the silent treatment or the cold shoulder. I
immediately go into a tsunami of thoughts about what I HAVE DONE
WRONG.

When I am in this “I am such a loser” phase, I almost want to jump
out of my skin to make amends.
Make amends for what?

I stitch together instances of when I think I may have wronged them
and I try to find behaviors that would absolve me of these sins.
A lot of the time, it just looks like begging for forgiveness for the
errors of my ways, or completely forgetting my life’s dreams in favor
of whatever they want.

Recently, I had plans with a friend to do something fun. The day
before the event, I asked for timing details and was
promptly told, with a look of sheer frustration that the event was the
next week. I said “no, it can’t be! I will be out of town”.
I was stunned. I had this on my calendar since OCT 2011.
The person then turned and left the room without a single word. I was
surrounded by kryptonite.

I screwed up, I am a bad friend and I can never get dates right…

Then I rushed to my computer, found the email with the date that I
had saved and rushed to show it to my friend. They looked at it and
said NOT A SINGLE WORD. Not even an “oh boy, I should check this out”.

Of course I thought: I should cancel my trip and I should apologize to
the other parties involved. Until I screamed at myself, “YOU DID
NOTHING WRONG. YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT. PEOPLE SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING
TO YOU, DAMMIT!”

I had to walk away from my stinking thinking and hope that the
kryptonite didn’t creep up on me when I was asleep.

So, what’s your kryptonite?

Love and light,

Indrani

A Stay-at-Home Mom’s Paycheck

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Us stay-at-home moms often feel we work a payless job.

Last Friday at about 5:30pm as my 6 year old and 3 year old were working on painting and drawing I was reading some of my Facebook friends’ posts about it being payday Friday and I was enviously thinking “I remember when…”

Then out of the blue my 3 year old presents me with this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS is my paycheck. Unfortunately, I can’t buy a new pair of shoes with it… but it’s priceless!

You can buy a tiger but you can’t buy common sense!

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I have right to have whatever I want in my home.
I have a right to be safe from my crazy neighbors.
The city has a right to protect the larger community.
First responders put themselves in danger when things go wrong.

I was really enthralled in the conversation when one of the first responders said:

“You can buy a tiger, but you can’t buy common sense”

At first I chuckled, but began to see this statement as wiser than it
first seems.

I can buy a tiger without any currency exchange.
I can summon up that tiger in me at the drop of a hat.
I can jump out of a perfectly smooth day into rage and fierce anger
when I DECIDE that someone is infringing on my rights.
We see this behavior in teenagers all the time.

A teenager might say “I have the right to my own life, just leave me alone”
and the very next minute they need money or your car.

A grown person might say
“I have the right to a satisfying relationship and my
partner is too boring. I deserve to have that affair, or to just dump
my partner”
We see and read about this behavior all the time.

The next time you decide to inhabit the fierce animal within, act as
if it would be easier to purchase some common sense instead.
It’s a lot harder than grabbing hold of the raging beast but in the
long run, it is much easier on you, your family and the community at
large.

Let’s think LONG term solutions, let’s think common sense.
Let the raging animal slink back into its well furnished cave. Don’t
worry; it’s never really that far away.
I guarantee it will poke its head out in a few minutes.
Beware the beast within!

Love and light,

Indrani

How large is your Grudge box?

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How large is your Grudge box?

First what IS a Grudge Box? It’s the place in your head where you keep
track of all your past grudges.

You know…

The kid in high school who stole your ONE true love
The woman in the grocery line who flirted with your “ever-so-handsome-and-everyone-wants-him” husband
The mother-in-law who never respects any of your ideas and loves the other one better

Yep, all these and more.

So be honest, how large is your grudge box?

I am working on reducing mine in the following ways:

1. Forgiving myself for holding on to the past.
2. Creating an even larger Gratitude box.
3. Maintaining protective distance from people whom I fear may hurt me.
4. Explaining to my close family that I am no longer in the grudge
business and that I will attempt to clear the air if I feel a grudge
surge coming on.

You may borrow my strategies, or make some of your own. I would love to hear from you.

Love and light
Indrani

Angry, humorless or just plain bitchy

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“… strong professional women of all races are at risk of being classified as angry or humorless or just plain bitchy. Studies have shown that men who get angry are often rewarded in their career, while women who express anger tend to be penalized.” -Ilyse Hogue.

This quote hardly needs any more explanation… except for HOW to handle this in our lives and in the work place. The way we treat anger personally and professionally is directly related to HOW we were taught to react by our parents or guardians. I remember very clearly that shouting and screaming were par for the course in my family of origin, but only for the adults, we kids would get slapped if we said a word.

As I grew up, every time someone yelled at me, even though I was an adult I felt childlike and immediately clamped up. I evolved into being the shouter and the yeller until I realized that I was only harming myself.

It is quite easier to “control” ourselves at work, as the social norm is to go along to get along.

What happens if you do let loose and people start labeling you? Can you open the conversation with them about the labels?

Not really, BUT you can open the conversation about the labels they put on others. This way you are just creating a small crack in the social façade and your wisdom can shine a light thru the crack.

So try standing up for others and you will feel a lot better even if you don’t have anyone to stand up for you.

 

Love and light

Indrani

P.S. I did notice that people brought their problems to me to solve because I was that Bitch who wouldn’t take crap. Interesting, don’t ya think?