All posts by Indrani Goradia
Are You Trying to Intentionally Hurt Me?… Because When You Speak those Words, You Touch Shame
Two Saturdays ago, I was immersed in Dr. Brene Brown’s work on Shame on Shame and Resilience. From that point forward, I knew I would be fundamentally changed but I had no earthly idea just how much. This whole week I have been observing my own shame reactions. I had actually thought that I had worked through most of my shame issues. As IF!
Have you ever felt shamed by someone’s else’s words? Do you know what shame feels like in your body? It is really beneficial to each of us to observe our physical reactions to shame. Personally, my throat closes up, my brain freezes, my upper body gets hot, and I feel life RUNNING!
Shame hates to be named, much like Lord Voldermort in Harry Potter. Shame makes us feel so small that we just want to disappear, fight back or flee. The area of the brain where shame is felt does not have access to language. Our access to language resides in the pre-frontal cortex.
When you are faced with shame and feel confused you are not losing your mind, only your words. The only way to find words to describe what you are feeling is to be able to step out of shame and have the ability to access the descriptive words.
There is no way I can do justice to Dr Brene Brown’s work in this short blog piece. Nor will I even try. Her work is based on more than 11,000 interviews and decades of analysis.
Suffice to know the next time you cannot find your words, just remember that you have not lost your mind, only your words.
If someone says,
“Are you out of your mind?”
Simply say,
“No, just out of words!”
Want to know more? Read I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame, by Dr. Brown, and come to my Chat & Chai on November 14th, 11am Central, when Dr. Brown will be my guest. You may even have a chance to ask some questions.
Have a wonderful week ahead!
Love and light,
Indrani
Identification please
Drivers license, passport, social security card, voters card, military ID, membership card, marriage license, green card. All these cards and documents to say who we are! No wonders we identify ourselves by titles, experiences, positions, status, you name it. We are in a world where we are identified as who we are by a card or piece of paper.
If by the paperwork you need further identification of this person they tell you:
I am a doctor
I am a mother
I am a wife
I am a foreigner….
I do not understand why at a cocktail party I get introduced “..and I would like you to meet Dr. So-And-So. ” Well so this person is a doctor, if he is at the cocktail party he is not doctoring, so does the title matter?
Then to go one step deeper you discover that the person identifies themselves as:
I am a victim
I am a martyr
I am a survivor….
Do we need all this identification?
Doesn’t just being present identify us?
I think that perhaps we are scared to shed those layers of identity in fear of not finding anything. Kinda like peeling away the layers of an onion. If each layer is an identity, if we shed the layers there is nothing in the center. But really it is not that there is nothing there, if we peel our layers of identification off, its that we have to just face the truth of who we really are. The basic essence of ourselves.
Here is something to try, next time you meet a person can you see them for who they are, just a person, and not the identification or title?
It is refreshing to just be with a person with all the identities dropped.
We are people. We all eat, breath, sleep, etc. We all want to be happy, healthy, peaceful and live with ease.
There is no card for that.
Mommy…Mommy…Mom…Mommy…Mom…Mom…
We have all heard it… that constant probing for our attention. Let’s face it, it can get old…fast.
Today when I was ready to lose it, I had to remind myself what it took to get here. For me it took years of fertility treatments and an invasion of privacy and substantial drain on our bank account to adopt.
We face these battles in many aspects of our lives. Like beating out all other candidate to land that great job, or studying our asses off to get that great GPA or even having the courage to get ourselves out of a bad situation. They are all battles we have won.
So when we have to pull that all-nighter, or deal with a difficult co-worker, or have to listen to a relentless 3-year-old, let’s remember what it took to get here.
Now when I hear that endless “Mommy…Mommy…Mom…Mommy…Mom…Mom…” I try to smile and remind myself how hard I fought to earn that title.
Shame thy name is FEAR and PAIN
I have had the great fortune of being immersed in the teachings of Dr. Brene Brown (see her on TED.com here)
The work that we are doing is focused on shame and guilt.
Dr. Brown’s work on SHAME can be found in her book I Thought It Was Just Me. I recommend it, HIGHLY. Until you get the chance to read it, here is what I have learned in just one day.
Shame says I AM BAD.
Guilt says I DID A BAD THING.
Her definition of shame is: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
Dr. Brown says that “we all have shame; we just don’t talk about it”. According to Dr. Brown, people who can be resilient to shame are those who “can get to language fastest”.
What does this mean? Let me try to explain. Shame is felt in the part of the brain that has no language. Language comes from the logical side of the brain. When a person tries to describe shame they have to create a bridge from the emotions they feel and the language to describe what they are feeling. Her suggestion is to NAME it.
Feel it Name it.
So it goes something like this: I organized a Flash Mob in my town and many people signed up. A blogger decided that I “could be a cult” and he pasted that in his blog. When I found out about it, I felt shamed. I felt shamed because I thought I was stupid for organizing it. I had thoughts like “who do you think you are to do this?”, “you are too old to be doing stuff like this”.
Lucky for me, I was able to talk it through with someone dear to me and I was able to let it go.
Notice I said someone DEAR. It MUST be someone who has EARNED the right to receive your deepest hurts. It cannot be a person who is self-absorbed, or someone who always tells you their troubles are bigger than yours.
You must be able to say something like: “I am hurting and this is how I am feeling”. Your trusted person must be able to hold space for your pain, without trying to solve it or minimize it. When you are in shame, Dr. Brown says that “you are not fit for human consumption”. She also says “do not go to your children until you have processed it”.
How do you process it? Feel it Name it.
This topic is heavy and it may make you uncomfortable.
If our society does not learn to deal with shame, we will continue to do what we have done, and get what we’ve always got. I did not come up with that catchy phrase myself and I do not remember who said it, but that does not make it any less relevant.
Are you ready to do some work around Shame? Read Dr. Brown’s book…I Thought It Was Just Me.. and begin to become Shame Resilient.
Love and light from Indrani
Pondering doubt.
doubt |dout|
noun
a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction
My question is: “Does doubt exist if you have conviction and the feeling of uncertainty?” I say yes and this is why. Conviction is a heart-felt concept. You feel conviction in your soul. You just know what is right by you.
Uncertainty… ah that is created by the ego. The ego and the personal identity that goes with it, are uneasy, threatened when the heart convictions don’t go along with the ego-flow. The ego is concerned about self-importance, stature, power, its about fluff up and puff out your chest, and spread those tail feathers wide. Hence the cliche “Proud as a peacock”. The ego is about self, “I”. It remembers, evaluates, plans and is the response to the physical & social world.
The ego’s entire goal is to drive the bus, to take you to where it thinks you should be.
When the ego and your heart-felt convictions, your truths, do not mesh up that creates uncertainty.
Uncertainty is like walking on stair steps in the dark and you are uncertain as you shift your weight on each step. Do you stay where you think you are stable or teeter down to the next step, perhaps falling over the step un-sure-footed. When you shift your weight from the comfort and stability of the ego and move your weight to the heart, the ego is telling you “huh oh, careful, watch out, warning, you could topple over, if you go with your heart you could _____fill in the blank_____________ and you don’t want that to happen!”
This is where faith in your heart comes is. Faith in listening to your heart, overcoming doubt, to know that next step is not going to take you tumbling. To follow your heart, your truth, your conviction may cause: ridicule, despise, anger, resentment, oh and a litany of things, but in the end you can ride out the affects because you know it is your truth, the foundation in which you are firmly planted on.
How do you work through your doubt when your ego’s uncertainty teeter-totters with your convictions?
The Courage of a Stallion
How much do you think a stallion weighs? Go ahead…make a guess.
Do you think that a stallion has courage and strength? Do you think the bigger the stallion, the more courageous? Daring? What if I told you that there is a breed of stallions that weight about 28 lbs? Would you believe me? Well here is photo of it and here is the web link to learn more.
I challenge you to step up to your courage and valor in spite of the thought that you may not be BIG enough or STRONG enough. If you could NOT believe that you needed a certain size or a certain societal prerequisite to embody stallion-like characteristics how would you be different?
I was applying for a program one day and they asked my height and I responded “a statuesque 5 ft 1 inch”. I really do feel tall. I forget that people see me as a small woman. My courage is as large as any I have ever met. I invite you to step into your courage.
BTW if you are in Austin,TX or the surroundings on 10/22, come hear me present an exhilarating talk sponsored by O Magazine and Ikea. It starts at 10.30am. I would LOVE to see you. Be sure to say hello.
Love and light Indrani
Don’t touch that stove!
Our mother’s told it to us, we have said it to our kids… don’t touch the stove! It is hot, you’ll get burned!”
Growing up, it did not take usually but one burn to realize yes indeed the stove is hot, and the pain ensues. We learned quickly. Once, maybe twice, but never again do we put our hand on the stove. Same lesson applied to open flames.
But why, oh why, do the lessons not sink in when it comes to the heart. Flames of the heart cause more enduring pain than a hot burner on the stove. Yet we do not learn.
We try from one relationship to the next hoping it will be better. Yet in retrospect the people who I thought would be the great love have many of the same traits of former greats. Why when we know we will get burned, hurt, scared do we seek out the same traits over and over again?
What lessons are we missing the first, second, third time around with people that prevents us from learning that injury is imminent and we should proceed with caution?
I throw these questions out there not with some new revelation that can prevent future pain, but as rhetorical. Food for thought.
Thinking this morning I just was considering the people in my life and the same traits they all hold when I initially thought they were someone different. Why can’t I learn this, when it only took one time with my hand on a burner to know not to touch a hot stove?
Which lesson was easier for you, the hot stove or a flame of the heart?
What I Know For Sure…
Welcome to a new Monday blog on IndranisLight.org! This blog will be written for Moms by Moms. As always, we would love to hear what you think. Enjoy!
The fabulous Ms. Oprah writes an article in the back of each O Magazine titled What I Know For Sure. This reminds me of when I was younger and was given a task, I used to drive my parents crazy with this rant of “I don’t know what this assignment is!”, “I don’t know where my pencil is!”, and “I don’t know what page to read!” and my dad would respond “what DO you know?” Not in an ugly way, but in a way to remind me to calm down and take the task one step at a time.
Fast forward to this week…my 5-year-old started Kindergarten and we were BOTH nervous. In my head were the same rants “I don’t know this new routine!”, “I don’t know if he is going to be comfortable in his new school!”, “I don’t know if I should send a drink with lunch or if he can buy it!” and the list goes on…
So with my dad’s voice always in my head I ask myself “what DO I know?” What I know is this: my love for my boys is unshakeable; my love for myself is a confident one. I know I have figured out many more difficult and complex issues than this one, and I DO know that we will figure this out together along the way. Will it be easy? Of course not. But nobody said parenting is easy.
So I tied my sneakers and then I tied my son’s and we walked hand-in-hand into this new adventure.
National Women’s Equality Day.
I know that this applies to more than suffrage. But I cannot help but
wonder how courageous the suffragists were to have stepped out from
the shadows of ” women are not smart enough to vote”.
I think that for every overt suffragist there must have been 100
covert suffragists.
Yes I did pull that statistic out of my head, but it’s as good a guess as any.
Why do I say that?
I say this because I KNOW many women in 2011 who are still afraid to speak their truth.
They say things like ” Oh, I could never say that! At least not out loud!” and other women
laugh and shake their heads in camaraderie.
Why are we still afraid to speak our truth? What EXACTLY will happen
if we do DECIDE to speak, and make NO mistake, this is a decision.
How many things in your life are you just accepting because it’s tradition?
The suffragists did not accept tradition as acceptable.
What is no longer acceptable in your life but you are ” waiting for the right time” to speak.
Guess what?
The right time is NOW. The first time you feel pain, or a twinge of
injustice, is THE EXACT RIGHT TIME.
Martin Luther King Jr said ” Our lives begin to end, the moment we become silent about things that matter”.
Gandhi said ” First they ignore you
Then they laugh at you
Then they fight you
Then you win.
I say then the victory is that much sweeter because you decided to speak up and be noticed.
I invite you to speak up today about an injustice in your home or life or church or community.
Use any one of the above quotes as you banner statement or find one you like… But take action.
Unless WE WOMEN do something about gender inequality, NOTHING will be done.
Is that acceptable to us?
What can we change by this day 2013.
Let’s do it, if not for us for our daughters!
Please, the time is now.
Love and light
Indrani
Love and light from Indrani and her iPad!