All posts by Indrani Goradia

Dead heading a rose bush… and the peace it brought.

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IMG_2490My father passed away a few months ago.

I miss his voice. I miss his laugh.

He was never one for deep philosophic advice. He was more the knee jerk reaction kind of a guy.

I never went to him for life changing advice but I could always count on his love and his fierce protection of me.

His upbringing was terrible. He was battered as a small child by his step-father and his mother because he was a child of illicit love.

His mere existence in everyone’s eyes was proof of infidelity by his then unwed mother.

He grew into a fine upstanding man who worked his fingers to the bone and who taught himself to be a master gardener. His teacher was my maternal grandfather.

My father would putter around his small and exquisite garden after his retirement and his meticulous care of orchids was visible to the whole neighborhood.

People from miles around would come to the gate to ask him questions about care and feeding of these rain forests wonders.

He was always generous with his knowledge and would most often give a “piece” of a plant for planting in the inquiring strangers garden. If he spoke to a person just one time, he referred to them as his friend. He never met a stranger. I get that ability from him.

He also taught me a thing or two about the garden, but mainly about roses.

When my kids were very small he would visit for months at a time and he would spend hours at the garden store buying every potion and tool his heart desired and he would use those potions and tools to make my garden the most beautiful on the street.

I did not appreciate it as much as I should have. I did not realize then, as a frazzled young wife and mother that his life would end and that his knowledge would be lost. This I regret.

What I do not regret, however, is the lessons on “dead heading the rose bushes” that he gave me.

He would take his oiled nippers and carefully cut off all the spent roses on the bush and he was so happy to do it. It drove him crazy to see dead roses hanging around.

He told me that the roots would be able to feed the rest of the bush in better ways. I believed.

I was always too busy to do this dead heading myself. Over the years my rose bushes looked like a forgotten garden in an expired fairy tale. Something a decrepit old witch might be proud of….nothing royal about them at all.

Last week, however, as I was doing a silent barefoot walking meditation on dew strewn grass I looked over at the rose bushes and saw all the dead heads. I was ashamed. If my father was still here, he would not have stood for this at all.

So I went inside, found an old rusty pair of nippers and began to dead head the bushes.

I felt energized.

I felt his presence.

I felt that he was proud of me.

I felt like a princess, his princess and I was making these bushes fit for a royal garden.

As I worked, I could hear his voice in my head say, “Dran, be careful you don’t step on the pickers.” He never called them thorns.

The memory made me smile.

I could hear his voice guiding my rusty nippers to get the one in the way back and as I reached over the height of the bush I could hear him say, ” Dran, be careful of the pickers.”

How can I use this aged lesson of dead heading and being careful of the pickers in my life beyond rose bushes?

I can think of a few things….

  • I can remove what no longer serves my life.
  • I can stop my life force from being drained by continuing to invest resources into things I no longer want.
  • I can allow the new buds to receive all my love and attention, as I allow the dead heads to fall away.
  • As for being careful of the pickers, this lesson is easier….I can stay away from toxic and harmful situations and people.

I offer these lessons to you as you begin to wander around your life garden. I encourage you to remove what no longer serves you and to be aware of the “pickers.”

 

Love and light,

Indrani

When you feel like screaming…..

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PencilHold a pencil lengthways between your teeth (in a pretend smiling way).

There is a very famous study with undergraduates who were given some tasks and some were asked to hold a pencil in their teeth (mimicking a smile). The task was not significant. The pencil holding was the significant part of the research.

It seems that those who held the pencil between their teeth had more positive feelings during the task, after the task and also days after the task.

The researchers concluded that a “fake” smile may have triggered the happy hormone and made the participants feel better.

This is also the theory behind Laughter Yoga. This school of yoga leads groups of people in laughter exercises and the results have been measurable and positive. The brain reacts to fake laughter just as readily as it does to real laughter.

So fake smiles and fake laughs are good for us!

How can we actually use this amazing piece of research?

I found a way this past week while mediating between an employee and an employer.

Both parties were in terrible deadlock over what the job description was, could have been  and will be moving forward.

The employer was an older woman who had a history of not being very tolerant.

The employee was the geriatric nurses aide that was hired to help make the older woman’s life a little easier.

Both women needed each other.
Both women were ALPHA women.
Both wanted to be “right”.
Both wanted ME to tell the other that the other was at fault.

The employee began the conversation citing past instances of when the older woman was “mean” or ” hateful” to other employees. I stopped her instantly and asked her why those things were her business.

She was a bit stunned. She thought I needed the history to make a fair determination.

I did not.

I told the employee that my focus was what SHE wanted from her life and how she chooses to address the things that concerned her.

I then asked her to hold a pencil in her mouth and she had to listen to me while I told her how the mediation would be conducted.

The older woman was at first very sure she would not hold the pencil.

Her reason was this, “This is a serious subject and I am a serious person.”

I said, “Yes this is serious but we do not have to have discussions with mean faces that are only reflecting disdain and anger.”

I finally got her to “fake” a smile.

I then began the mediation.

I must say, the results were marvelous.

The parties seemed to be able to listen more attentively because they were focussed on maintaining the smiles and the discussion did not fall into a “she said, she said.”

It was quite exhausting for me, as both of these women were really tough cookies. They were both used to running right over the people  in their lives. They were used to “winning” while others were to be the “losers.”

I was sure this needed to be a win/win.

Dear Reader,

Why would this lesson be necessary in a blog that deals with ways to handle abuse?

I actually think that we can teach this technique to small kids when they begin to bully others in their family. As mothers we can hold pencils between our teeth when we want to scream at our kids. We can show our children that while we are experiencing human emotions we do not have to give into negative and demeaning behaviors.

Please try this exercise the next time you are so angry you just want to scream.

Please do not use this technique to dismiss significant abuse. Significant abuse must be dealt with in different ways. You must seek guidance to handle significant abuse and get to safety for you and your children.

This technique is for the smaller aggravations in life that often trip you up.

 
Love and light,
Indrani

Rape IS A CRIME!

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“Rape within marriage is not illegal in India which says everything about the position of women. We are donated for marriage rather than enter it as a partner. The ownership is with the man and whatever he does after marriage is acceptable”, said Ranjana Kumari, a women’s rights campaigner who lobbied members of parliament on the issue. 

If the above statement does NOT grab you and make you feel like choking, I do not know what will.

That women are “donated” in marriage, to do with as the partner damn well pleases is both frightening and inhuman.

How can we enlighten our “educated” leaders who sit in Governments, in Courts and in Village councils everywhere to see and hear the inexcusable torture that is reflected in this statement?

If having mothers and sisters and daughters of their own is NOT enough to force the courts to take a tough stance or to force the responsible powers to change the laws what will?

Women will have to take to the streets in droves to demand the rights to their own bodies.

As it stands, there are NOT ENOUGH women for all the eligible males in India to marry and some of eligible men are lucky to get a wife.

On top of that, some of those LUCKY enough to have a wife, will mistreat her and torture her?

What must we do, say, to end such abominable behavior by these unthinking men?

I do not have the answers to these questions, BUT we must put our heads together and find some.

Please begin to try to answer these questions for yourself.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Too little, too late…….

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downloadWhy does it take teen victims of sexual assault committing suicide for the police to decide that there is sufficient evidence to move forward with a further investigation of these horrific attacks?

Too little, to late.

This statement by Larry Pott, father of Audrie Pott, a sexual assault victim who took her own life after photos of her attack spread throughout her high school and on social media, bears repeating,

“It’s not a college problem. It’s not a high-school problem. It’s a gender and societal problem.”

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/magazine/our-daughter-is-dead-were-the-surviving-victims-rape-bullying-and-suicide-after-a-viral-flood/ar-BB7g4pq

Let us join the families of these victims, who’s lives are so tragically cut short, by honoring them and finding ways to educate our youth and society so that we can put an end to Gender Based Violence.

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Living in a pretend world. This is the world of the abused….

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timthumbA few years ago, I had the great joy of speaking to groups of women who had been abused and who had found the strength to stay gone.

I remember asking them why it took as long as it did.

In one case 44 years and in others 20-25 years. The lucky ones where 10-15 years.

They ALL said the same thing:

  • They wanted to “make” their marriage work.
  • They wanted to be a better wife.
  • They wanted their children to have a father.

In every case they were searching for the “reality” that was never there.

They believed the broken promises of “never again.”

They believed the abuser when he said all they had to be was be a better wife, cook, daughter-in-law, income earner, mother, sex partner.

They believed in the pretend of their lives.

They chose to ignore the solid reality that something, many things were wrong.

It is my fervent hope that we can learn to live with the reality of our lives and leave the pretend to the film makers.

Love and light,

Indrani

Is your Smartphone stalking you? Digital detox could save a life…..

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86c1f__phoneeeThe fact that our every move can be tracked through our Smartphones is down right frustrating.

It’s like privacy is a thing of the past.

But when this technology starts getting dangerous is when it’s being used by abusers to track every move, text and phone conversation of their victim.

This article explains how easily this Spyware can be added to phones by stalkers so that they can monitor their victim’s every move.

Please be sure to keep your Smartphone within your sight and keep it Pass Key locked at all times when it is not in your possession…..ESPECIALLY if you are trying to escape an abusive relationship.

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

 

One woman’s story of survival…..

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gabbe.minThis is a must read.

Thankfully, she left before he killed her. 

Thankfully, she isn’t letting Shame control her present and future.

 

Please share this article…it could truly save someone’s life.

 

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave-shame_n_5805848.html?utm_hp_ref=email_share

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Think Global…Act Local

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Steven-Matt_455613_1When I think of this phrase I think it means to be an informed consumer.

  • Am I buying products made by children in the slavery mills around the Globe?
  • Am I consciously aware that what I do here in my country is negatively affecting the Amazon Rain Forest?
  • Are the diamonds that I admire Blood Diamonds?

Right?

Big thoughts.

I think I can make my buying power MAKE a difference.

I CAN make my money talk!

What IF….

The phrase “THINK Global…Act Local” could be applied to Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence and Child Abuse?

What would that look like?

It might look like this…

You are watching TV on a normal day or night and you see a story of a VERY FAMOUS NFL player like Adrian Peterson being charged with Child Endangerment for beating his 4 year old son with a switch. You may or may not be appalled… Let’s say you ARE appalled.

What can YOU do?

Well you can begin to look at your own behaviors towards your kids or other people’s kids.

You can open a conversation with your kids … if you dare… and ask them what it’s like living in your home.

  • Do they feel emotionally safe?
  • Are they worried about people flying off the handle?
  • Are they afraid of anyone in particular?

YOU must be brave and courageous and really listen.

LISTEN with your ears and your HEART. (Especially your heart.)

You MUST promise them immunity from YOU flying off the handle if you hear something that hurts your feelings.

If I would have had parents who had asked this question to me and if I trusted them, I would have said something like this:

“Well you are always beating us and yelling at us. If we cry then you beat us more to “really give us something to cry about.” You tell me that I never do anything right. I am always scared of you.”

IF I had parents who were brave enough to go there, I may have had a slim chance of a happier childhood.

YOU have the POWER to give your children a bigger chance of happiness.

If you ACT LOCAL, while observing the pitiful GLOBAL state of violence against women and girls you will be making a difference.

Don’t know where to start? Start with YOURSELF, your own boundaries and awareness of shame and building your shame resilience.

START TODAY.

START NOW.

Here is something to get you started…www.liveabrighterlife.eventbrite.com

If I can do it, you can do it.

Now, let’s say you were NOT appalled at someone beating their child in that way, you can still do something.

You can begin to wonder about your own abuse and ask yourself if your parents could have been more compassionate.

If you say they did the best they could with what they had, you would be right. However, YOU can do better with all the new information that you have about child rearing. You can seek out informed guidance on how to be a better parent.

Why? Because you owe it to those kids you brought into the world.

So however you slice this Domestic Violence pie, you can Think Global and still Act Local.

 

Love and light,
 
Indrani

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

Why you should share this horrific video with your friends…..

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The video footage is painfully hard to watch….but unfortunately, this is something that so many women deal with on a daily basis. The majority of it never even talked about…let alone caught on video.

Awareness is one of many steps toward diminishing Gender-Based Violence.

Please do not sweep this under the rug. Instances like this are a chance to raise awareness and open up conversations, a chance to teach our children, a chance to let other victims know that they are not alone and that help is near.

What emotions does this video bring up for you? How can we learn from this as a society? We would love for you to comment below.

Love & light,

Team ILF

How long should one girl have to carry the weight of rape?

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*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

enhanced-4298-1409708626-1This college student has vowed to carry a mattress to class every day until her alleged rapist leaves campus.

Emma Sulkowicz states, “The idea of me carrying a mattress sort of stuck in my head. I guess I decided to unpack why I was so fascinated with that idea. I was raped in my own dorm bed, so I think the idea of carrying the mattress represented, in my mind, carrying the weight of the memories that I have of that night and carrying the weight of how the school dismissed not only me but the other two women who reported against him, and the way the police harassed me when I reported my case.”
 
If we were on campus, we would help her carry the weight of that mattress. 

Read Emma’s full story here.

 

Love & light,

Team ILF