All posts by Jeremie Miller

Are Statistics Killing the Fight Against Gender Based Violence?

sad-girl-236769_128030% of women who have been in a relationship report that they have experienced some form of violence by their partner…

OR

… 2 weeks after getting married Alice’s husband began telling her that she was worth nothing, no one else would ever want her, and she was lucky that he had decided to marry her. Alice finally decided to leave, 20 years later, when her husband got angry and put his fist through the wall, missing her head by inches.

38% of murders of women are committed by an intimate partner…

OR

… Ellen did not have dinner ready when her husband came home one night. He went to the shed, retrieved an axe, entered the home, and proceeded to assault his wife with the axe putting her in the hospital with multiple injuries. Years later, when Ellen’s husband was released from jail, Ellen took him back into her home to continue their life together.

Statistics or stories.

Which has a greater impact? Which makes the situation of Gender Based Violence feel more real to those who are not directly involved?

What if all of the numbers being collected, compiled, and shared, are not only, not the answer, to ending Gender Based Violence, but are part of the problem?

Numbers make things less messy, more sterile, something to read, then nod your head, perhaps making a “tsking” sound before moving on with your day. Or, even worse, numbers can be something that are misunderstood or used to minimize a problem:

30% of women, well that is less than half of all women, so should we really be throwing more money at this problem?

Stats show that the number hasn’t been increasing over the years, so it isn’t a growing problem

One of the most impactful events in the past year on Gender Based Violence awareness was not a new percentage of people affected, it was Ray Rice punching his girlfriend in the head on camera.

From Statistics to Stories

What if, instead of using calculated numbers, the fight against Gender Based Violence focused more on telling stories?

Instead of a sterile stat spoken in a news clip, 365 personal stories were collected from women about their personal experience with Gender Based Violence, and one of these stories was spoken (and witnessed) on the news every night?

What if, instead of compiling a stat like 30% of women, actual real time numbers were tracked to provide a clearer story? A website or phone number that abused women could visit or call and quickly register that they were just abused, creating an ongoing tally of how serious this problem is.

30% is a stat, knowing that on Monday 10,000 women had reported being abused, but by Tuesday 11,250 women had been abused helps numbers tell a story that people can better understand and take action on.

What if, we stop letting the numbers distance us from the problem and start to live these experiences with the women suffering on a day to day basis?

Could a focus on stories instead of statistics make a big difference in the goal of eliminating Gender Based Violence?

Brighter Life Bit #9: Who are you saying “Yes” to, when you should be saying NO?

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at the 5 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Do you have trouble saying “No”?

It is easy to say “no” to the stuff you don’t want, those are not the “no’s” we are talking about. We are talking about the challenging “no’s”, the ones that come when you have to say “no” to something you DO want, or to someone you care about, or want to help. It is these difficult “no’s” that you don’t say when you should, that get you into way trouble.

You need to learn to say “No” right now!

But first, you need to explore the challenges you are facing when trying to deliver these difficult “no’s”, so for today’s Brighter Life Bit pick a person or situation where you experience difficulty in saying NO (when you KNOW you should say it) and answer this question:

Why do you have trouble saying no to this person or situation in your life?

LABL 012: No Matter What You Can Make It

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyWelcome to Episode #12 of the Live a Brighter Life Podcast!

In this episode of the Live a Brighter Life Podcast Indrani and Paulette Norman discuss Paulette’s experience with tremendous loss and the lessons she has learned:

  • the challenges in your life mold you not break you
  • the importance of gumption and inner fortitude
  • when you need to surrender and when you need to stand up for yourself
  • how a moth made a huge impact on Paulette’s journey
  • how not to die as a crazy old lady

You can get more information about Paulette’s work at: www.protectingchildren.org

Podcast Recording

[powerpress]

Brighter Life Bit #8: Drawing your boundaries

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at 93 minutes and 00 seconds of the Class 1 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

A quick exercise and an “in the moment” tool for you today as we wrap up your work with the very first class in the Live a Brighter Life curriculum.

The Exercise

  1. Find a piece of paper and drawing tools.
  2. Draw yourself (stick figures allowed)
  3. Draw a box around yourself.
  4. Write your boundaries around the outside of the square. These are the boundaries people cannot cross with you.
  5. Post this picture somewhere you can see it, or put it in your wallet, purse, or pocket.
  6. When you find a boundary is being crossed remember to look at your picture as a reminder of your important personal boundaries, and that you will not let people cross them.

The Tool

Next time you experience someone breaking a boundary try this:

  1. Press down on the ground with your feet and push yourself a bit taller.
  2. Breathe into your feet.
  3. Take three breaths before you respond and enforce your boundary

And, that wraps up Class One! See you soon for LABL Class #2: Saying “No” – Say “Yes” to a New Way

Brighter Life Bit #7: Creating and improving personal boundaries

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at 93 minutes and 00 seconds of the Class 1 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Time to start improving your current boundaries and create some new ones.

To improve or create a personal boundary:

  1. Get away from what you consider to be danger. Physical, emotional, pyshcological, or energetic: what is dangerous in your life at this moment?
  2. Identify the actions and behaviors that you find unacceptable.
  3. Let others know cleanly and simply when they have crossed an unacceptable line with you based on your boundaries. You can say: “That is a personal boundary that you have just crossed. Please – explain how they can act to not cross the boundary”

Now it is time to define some of your personal boundaries:

  1. Pick a personal boundaries you would like to establish for yourself.
  2. Choose one or two people who you have not been able to stand up to, but continuously cross this boundary.
  3. Go to the movies and observe yourself, and create a picture of how you are acting and feeling in the moment dealing with that person.
  4. Identify one or two steps that you can do to make the boundary firmer and clearer.

Remember that you can only control and change yourself in these situations, so focus on steps that you are in control of, no trying to change the other person in order to improve the situation.

Share your personal boundary in the comments below, the list the one or two steps you can take to make that boundary firmer and clearer.

Not even with a flower. Hope for the future of Gender Based Violence.

What do a future fireman, police man, baker, soccer player, and pizza maker have in common?

They all have the same response when asked to slap a young girl.

Watch the video below to see their reaction:

Link: http://youtu.be/b2OcKQ_mbiQ

If this is a typical response by the young boys of today, then what changes between 7 years old and adulthood that results in women experiencing the violence that we know they do on a daily basis?

More importantly: What can we do to help young boys like this grow up into men that truly believe “girls shouldn’t be hit, not even with a flower”?

We all need to start sharing answers about this question.

Please share your thoughts in the comments below: what do we need to do differently to help young boys grow up into men who don’t hit women?

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Brighter Life Bit #6: Which of the four boundary types do you have?

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at 61 minutes and 00 seconds of the Class 1 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

What types of personal boundaries are there? Nina Brown identifies four types of boundaries:

Soft: when your boundary merges with other people’s boundaries and is not clearly defined by YOU.

Rigid: when your boundary is unwavering, closed or walled off so no one can get close physically or emotionally.

Spongey: a combo of soft and rigid. You are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out. Your boundary changes in different situations.

Flexible: You have control over what to let in and what to keep out. Your boundary takes care of you and keeps you safe, but you can alter the boundary consciously if you feel the situation is right.

With these boundaries in mind ask yourself: Where are you with each of your boundaries? Soft, rigid, spongey, or flexible?

As you answer this question do not say “I should know better”, instead say “I did such a good job there with my ______ boundary, I wonder if the next time I meet this person what would using a flexible boundary look like”

By reflecting on your soft, rigid, and spongey boundaries you can begin the loving process of shifting them toward healthier flexible boundaries, always remembering to be compassionate with yourself.

What is one boundary that you would like to transform into a flexible boundary? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Grand Theft Auto 5 – A letter to my son….

Fionn,

Dad here, remember me? I need to talk to you about something important, so look me in the eyes and listen up (yes, this is one of the “look me in the eyes” type of talks).

Remember when we started playing video games? Remember how concerned your Mom was with the amount of time we played video games and the effect that might have on you, and how I told her that was crazy, video games weren’t bad for you?

Yeah, well, you and I know that I am almost always right, but, I might have been wrong on the whole “video games aren’t bad for you” bit, and I don’t say that lightly.

As you know I spent a great deal of my childhood playing video games: Atari 2600, Intellivision, Colecovision, Super Nintendo, Playstation, Windows Computers, Amiga, Commodore 64; I played most of them.

I also spent a great deal of my time in the 90s defending video games, content in video games, and violence in video games. Fighting against people who said that content in video games could affect how people acted in real life.

For the most part, I still think this is true….but…but…after watching this video I am not sure how I feel about my old arguments. I am not sure how anyone could make a game that allows you to do these things, and if games like this are selling millions, and gamers have a desire to do these things in a game, I have to wonder where gaming culture is headed, how gamers will behave in the future, and whether you and I should even be a part of this group.

I want you to watch this video Fionn. I want you to realize that, even though this is “just a game”, these actions are wrong. Wrong on so many different levels. They are wrong in the Real World AND they are also wrong in a Virtual World.

(Please Note: this video is Not Safe For Work and contains disturbing images)

Now, I am not going to go so far as to say: “some kid will play this video game and it will make him go out and pay for a hooker, then kill that hooker with an axe”. What I am willing to say is: “some kid will play this video game and think that women, and how he treats women, aren’t important, and someone’s daughter may end up hurt because of this game”.

Fionn, this video makes me embarrassed to be a gamer, and it should make you embarrassed to be one too.

I don’t want you to stop playing video games, but I want you to think (and tell your friends to think too) about the games you play and what happens in them. If a game disrespects women like Grand Theft Auto Five I don’t want you brushing it off, or thinking that it is OK. I want you to stop playing, tell people it isn’t acceptable, and stand up for the boys and girls that could be hurt by disgusting content like this.

Can you promise to do that Fionn?

 

Love,

Dad

Stopping sexism towards men – A solution for gender based violence?

Sexism is a term normally associated with women. It affects women in the workplace, on the street, in the media; it affects women in so many different ways, that we often forget an important piece of the sexism puzzle:

Sexism affects everyone: bisexuals, transgender, lesbians, gay men, and yes, even straight men.

Watch Laci Green as she unpacks and explores the idea of sexism against men and the effect it is having on everyone.

Watch and imagine what effect it would have on gender based violence if men no longer felt that they NEEDED to hide emotions, be powerful, and do manly things like fight, fix things, and have lots of sex to prove how masculine they are.

Could part of the solution be as easy as realizing that: there is no man or woman or gay or lesbian or transgender. There are humans.

Have you ever been sexist towards a man? If you are one of our male readers, have you ever experienced sexism?

We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Brighter Life Bit #5: Crossed Boundaries, watch for these signs

ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at 52 minutes and 33 seconds of the Class 1 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here

Continuously broken personal boundaries will have wide ranging effects on your entire life, and those you love. “Go to the movies” and watch some of your own footage to see if any of these broken boundary symptoms are showing up for you:

  • Feelings of guilt, depression, and humiliation
  • Feeling confused, unsafe, or fearful
  • A loss of confidence and ability to trust intuition
  • Starting to question your values and beliefs
  • Physical exhaustion and constantly getting sick

Boundary related stress, over time, will also have an effect on everyone around you as they witness your stress and the physical and spiritual toll this stress causes.

Write down the boundaries that are being crossed, and the different ways that these crossed boundaries are effecting the loved ones in your life, then share some of your responses in the comments below.