Category Archives: Domestic Violence

What Does Ending Generational Violence Mean?

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What does ending generational violence mean?

It means that we stop saying “ It happened to me and I turned out ok.” What does that really mean? Does it mean all of the following? 

I did not die. 

I did not commit murder.

I am holding a job and have a man so I must be ok. 

I don’t do half of what so and so did to me 

At least I don’t throw sharp objects.

I can come up with a list of other useless and meaningless statements. 

Why are we settling for barely or merely ok?

Why don’t we aim to thrive?

Ending generational violence means that we not only stubbornly refuse to spread the pandemic of violence to women and girls but that we also become lifelong learners about what abuse does to the brain and healthy brain functioning. 

It means we choose a path of healing and peace for ourselves and everyone in our home and life. 

It means introspection and taking responsibility for all our actions. 

Let’s end violence together.

Updates from the Team: Philadelphia Training Recap

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As part of our “Caring for the Caregivers” Program, our team travels to domestic violence-focused organizations and shelters to provide in person support and training around compassion fatigue and burnout. In March, our team was delighted to travel to Philadelphia to train over 50 Caregivers from multiple domestic violence organizations. Our founder, Indrani Goradia, was also able to attend one of the training days, providing more insight and care to our training participants.

Throughout the week we worked with staff in various arenas: medical advocates, hotline staff, legal advocates, administrators, therapists and housing advocates among others. We had lively discussions about the extraordinary situations staff encounter on a day-to-day basis and subsequently, how the pervasive stress leads to burnout and compassion-fatigue. Many of the staff shared that this stress has had an impact on their capacity to take care of the needs of their friends and family.

Our trainers actively listened and validated the Caregivers experience. We taught numerous tools designed to support staff with recognizing and setting boundaries, a fundamental practice of self-care. One staff person who has been in the field for two decades said of the boundary tools, “This has changed the way I look at everything.” We received consistent feedback that the visualization exercises were immensely helpful in preparing for having difficult conversations. An administrator commented “This exercise has helped me both personally and professionally.”

We take great joy in knowing our trainings are supporting Caregivers as they continue to do their work. For more information about our resources and support, visit our Caregiver Resources. We’re looking forward to our next training!

Say NO to abuse. Don’t leave yourself unfinished.

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Say NO to abuse. Don’t leave yourself unfinished. Inspired by business executive and author, Seth Godin. Read the post here.

If you don’t have time to clean up, you don’t have time to cook.


Professionals understand that the project is the whole project, not simply the fun or urgent or interesting part of the work.There are countless productive shortcuts along the way. But not finishing the project isn’t one of them.

I have been reading Seth’s posts for a whole year and I am amazed that his posts take the simplest things and make them mind blowing business advice.The above post made me realize this:If your lover/husband/anyone feels they have the right to hit you then you better feel you have the right to leave.

You see, when we stay inside of abuse we leave ourselves unfinished.We were sent into the world to work on ourselves and complete the work we need to do and accepting abuse is not part of a success scenario.

Love and light
Indrani

The Challenges Challenge and Always Will

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I am absorbing Scott Kelly’s book Endurance. It is thrilling.

On page 108 he talks about that cold January day when he saw the Challenger explode 73 seconds after launch. He reminds us that it was a rubber O-ring on one of the solid rocket boosters that failed. The rubber was compromised due to unusually cold weather.

Ok, so a small thing like a rubber O-ring brought down that massive piece of equipment and killed everyone instantly.

That gives us pause about the little things, right?

But wait, on page 109 he tells us that this was a MANAGEMENT FAILURE.

Engineers working on the solid rocket boosters had raised concerns multiple times about the performance of the O-rings in cold weather. In a teleconference the night before Challenger’s launch, they had desperately tried to talk NASA managers into delaying the mission until the weather got warmer. Those engineers’ recommendations were not only ignored, they were left out of reports sent to higher level managers who made the final decision about whether or not to launch. They knew nothing about the O-ring problems or the engineers’ warnings, and neither did the astronauts who were risking their lives.”

Perhaps you are wondering what this has to do with any of us mere mortals.

It has plenty to do with us. We rely on car makers to make safe vehicles and not lie about things like carbon emissions etc, and they fail us time and time again.

We depend on corporations to make their manufacturing plants safe so that we can not only work, but work safely, free from serious health risks, and yet we have many stories of corporations failing us.

We read about intimate partner violence and see the horror that abusers heap on women and children time and time again, and yet, we continue to believe (or pretend to believe) that it’s a private matter and not a public health epidemic. The world loses 5.2 trillion dollars every year due to violence to women.

We continue to hit and physically abuse (and pretend that it’s discipline) our children and wonder why our daughters accept violent boyfriends and why sons do not understand what violence is. (Listen to Indrani’s TedX talk: “Expressing Love With Violence is a Lie”)

Let’s believe the research that tells us about the effects of physical abuse (Take the ACE quiz and read more about Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Let 2019 be the year that we end domestic violence in our homes.

Let us believe the science that tells us our children deserve to be parented with kindness and love.

Kindness and love are the parental equivalent of believing the O-rings will break and our families will be very damaged.

Will we be brave enough to question the status quo and allow the violence to stop?

Love and light,

Indrani Goradia

The Sewing Machine Worked Just Fine… Until It Didn’t

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The other day I was preparing some small quilts to take with me to India for a program I planned to visit. The quilt squares had been decorated by children of the mothers who had been burned by fire or acid. I had met these kids years before and never got a chance to finish up the quilts. I was going to India in a few days so I was inspired to finish them. This work reflected all my hearts passions: meeting the survivors, speaking to the kids, remembering to bring them fabric swatches, saving the swatches for the right time to finish it and of course sitting at my beautiful machine and finishing the project.

All of a sudden, the machine would not work. The needle would not stay threaded.The bottom thread would not catch. I rethreaded it about 6 times and then I yelled, to no one really, “what the F is wrong with this machine?”

I began to hyper focus on the threading mechanism and tried to use a pen to poke the thread into one of the moving parts and of course it could not work. I had never threaded the machine with a damn pen before. Why was I trying to do that now? I have been sewing for 50 years. I used to make my own Catholic School uniform skirts. I KNOW how to thread a sewing machine.

Then a heard a voice in my head say “Indrani zoom out, close your eyes, and use muscle memory to do this. Nothing is wrong with you or the machine.”

So.

I closed my eyes. I allowed my hands to float up to the machine and I held the thread a loft. I mimicked threading motions and saw that my left hand floated behind the presser foot to check if it was in the down position.

I opened my eyes.

I smiled.

The presser foot was NOT in the proper position.
I put the foot down and threaded the machine and finished the quilts.

Then, it dawned on me that this episode mimics what women do to themselves. We KNOW how to be in the world. We know how to be brave and courageous and yet, when we forget a simple thing (like lowering the presser foot) we begin to judge ourselves and we accept the judgment of others. I love that it was the “putting down of the foot” that brought me out of my trance of feeling inadequate and stupid for not successfully completing a task I have done 1000’s of times for 50 years. How can you use this in your life?

The next time you KNOW deep in your heart how to do something, or WHO you are at your core, put your foot down on the knowledge and do not allow any one (even your judgmental self) to convince you otherwise. If others in your life say unkind things, let if go in one ear and out the next. Put your foot down and don’t let others define you with their words. Maybe use a simple phrase like “I am not sure whom you are describing, but that’s not me.”

Believe the words. You know you!

Now, go be the full YOU. The world needs all of you.

Love and Light from Indrani

New Year’s Resolutions: Do They Work?

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One of the beautiful things about the New Year is that it traditionally makes us feel like we can start over, improve on what was not working, and gives us an opportunity of “letting go” of what went wrong during the past year.  As 2018 was approaching a few weeks ago, I reflected on all of the things I just mentioned.  I listed the people, things, events, and work that served, or didn’t serve me in 2017.

{Amy Jaffe with Saza in Chiangmai, Thailand – 2017}

I made New Year’s resolutions last year, as I do every year, and I had to force myself to recognize that I can’t remember one year that I stuck with my resolutions religiously. I gave many a good try, but I have not been fully committed after the excitement fades. Last year was another one of those years.

Here were a few of my 2017 resolutions:

  1. Develop better communication skills, and be clearer about my own needs.
  2. Develop a regular yoga and meditation practice.
  3. Be more aware of my body weight, diet, and exercise. Plan a diet that fits in with my life and body. Lose weight, and exercise on a regular basis.

Do any of these look familiar to you?

These are some common resolutions that I hear quite often, and I jumped on the bandwagon last year on all of these.  At the end of the year I actually celebrated one of the resolutions regarding my weight, diet, and exercise.  I lost over 40 pounds last year that had been creeping up on me the past 6 years, and I feel great!  I’m on the treadmill at least 5 days a week, and my diet is mostly gluten free, vegetables, a few grains, and vegetarian.  I have kept my weight off all year and grateful to feel healthy and whole.

Now, for the “not so celebrated” resolutions….

What kind of feelings do YOU go through when you reflect on your failed commitments?  Do you feel like a failure?  Do you believe you shouldn’t try again because you just know you’ll fail again?  My feelings are similar, AND the feeling of fear rises up when I want to try them again.  How can I be better at these commitments?  Why are these resolutions so important to me? And how can they become habits?  I am sitting with all of these questions and feelings, and ready to stand up and move forward with the desire to keep trying.

Brené Brown is one of my teachers in life, and two of her books, “Daring Greatly” and “Braving the Wilderness” are my new bibles.  At the end of every year I beat myself up with guilt because I did NOT stay committed to my New Year’s resolutions.  I am a perfectionist at heart and mind, and when I am not perfect …. the guilt and anxiety take a hold of me.

“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Where do I go from here?

I am setting my intentions and resolutions again this year!  My intention is to follow Brené Brown’s advice and focus on healthy striving in my life.  I am one of the hosts of Indrani’s Light Foundation’s “Caring for the Caregivers” podcast.  Indrani Goradia, Jeremie Miller and I publish a bi-monthly podcast to support our Caregivers who work as staff members in domestic violence shelters.  (Available on iTunes)  In our newest episode for 2018, the three of us discussed how we can reflect on our current self-care practices, and plan for new ones as an important step in being intentional about our self-care.  We also talked about what practices worked for us in 2017, and which ones need improvement in 2018.

I am excited about starting this New Year free from guilt and shame, and acknowledging that intentions and striving for a healthier life is what my New Year’s Resolution will be!

I would love to know if this blog and our podcast episodes have been helpful for you this first month of 2018.  What have you learned so far?  Have you freed yourself of guilt, and discovered your New Year’s Resolutions?

With gratitude,

Amy

Amy Jaffe | Director of Education & Outreach
Indrani’s Light Foundation

“Savor the Season” by Stacie Kenton

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“Tis the season,” so it is said.  For some, it’s a season of joy.  For others, a season of sorrow.  And yet for others, it’s a season of chaos and the feelings of the “unknown.”  At Indrani’s Light, we teach a workshop series called, “Live A Brighter Life.”  One of the modules focuses on self-care.  We talk about daily routines and ways to practice self-care that can be accomplished at a moment’s notice.  One of those ways is using the outdoors as an outlet and release of negative energy, or absorb the beauty of nature to fill your spirit up with happiness and joy.  Whatever your need is in the moment, nature is calling your name!

stacie-kentonOur Director of Relationships & Executive Administrator, Stacie Kenton, wrote an amazing blog this month to get us through the end of the year.  It can many times be a stressful time for us, and we need a reminder to take care of ourselves.

In her personal blog, “Savor the Season,” Stacie gives us 4 tips to connect with nature:

  1. Take it outside
  2. Take full advantage of sunny days
  3. Savor the season’s pleasures
  4. Be present

We encourage you to GO HERE and enjoy Stacie’s full blog.  As Stacie says here …. “I hope you choose to live in this winter and not just through it.”

15 Days of Impact

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This holiday season we are celebrating “15 Days of Impact.”  It’s our way of acknowledging and offering gratitude for all of you who supported and donated to our foundation this year.  Because of your donations, you made an incredible impact on our mission to end violence against women.

So many lives have been touched.
So many women and children have been affected by our Live A Brighter Life curriculum.
So many caregivers who work at women’s shelters are feeling healthier, and navigating their jobs with more confidence, and practicing self-care.

 

“15 Days of Impact”

___________________________________________________________________________

15-days-of-impact-finalDay #1 Impact:  Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible for 9 people to become certified trainers for Indrani’s Light Foundation!

15-days-of-impact-day-2Day #2 Impact:  Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible for two of our new ILF trainers to teach the Live A Brighter Life Curriculum online to their own communities!

15-days-of-impact-day-3Day #3 Impact:  Without your support and donation, we would not have been able to send our master trainers, Jeremie Miller and Amy Jaffe, to Houston this year to pursue our Caregiver Project, and teach our LABL curriculum to the staff at the Fort Bend Women’s Center, and keep them from burning out of this challenging career.

15-days-of-impact-day-4Day #4 Impact:  Without your support and donation, we would not have been able to continue monthly follow up calls to the women’s shelters who are involved in our Caregiver Project.

15-days-of-impact-day-5Day #5 Impact: Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible to complete our summer online Live A Brighter Life course, co-taught by Amy Jaffe and our new volunteer certified trainers.

15-days-of-impact-day-6Day #6 Impact:  Without your support and donation, we would not have been able to send our Director of Education & Training, Amy Jaffe, and our newest certified ILF volunteer trainer, Yvette McIntire, to Houston this fall to teach our Caregiver Project curriculum to the staff of three women’s shelters!

 

15-days-of-impact-day-7Day #7 Impact:  Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible for a Portland, Oregon shelter to sign up for our Caregiver Project for their staff!

 

15-days-of-impact-day-8Day #8 Impact:  Without your support and donation, we would not have been able to provide our new series of “Meditations by Indrani” for people ready to live a brighter life.

 

15-days-of-impact-day-9Day #9 Impact:  Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible to support other domestic violence awareness campaigns, including Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and the United Nation’s “Orange the World” 16 days of activism to end violence against women and girls.

 

15-days-of-impact-day-10Day #10 Impact:   Without your support and donation, we would not have been able to complete a second online fundraiser to raise money to teach the Caregiver Project curriculum to the staff of three women’s shelters in Houston, TX.

15-days-of-impact-day-11Day #11 Impact:  Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible to share and document the global work Indrani is doing to increase awareness about violence against women.

 

 

 

15-days-of-impact-day-12Day #12 Impact:  Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible for our Caregiver Project to impact our caregivers by showing:

a) 47% increase in their understanding of personal boundaries and why they are important;
b) 43% improvement on understanding why personal boundaries are important to their well-being;
c) 41% increase in the caregivers’ ability to communicate when their boundaries have been crossed, and taking action to protect their boundaries.

 

15-days-of-impact-day-13Day #13 Impact:  Without your support and donation, we would not have been able to share and support our mission through social media!

 

15-days-of-impact-day-14Day #14 Impact:  Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible for the Caregiver Project to help our caregivers make big improvements in their own self-care, showing:

  1. 43% increase in identifying what activities they can do to keep themselves healthy;
  2. 80% increase in their commitment to making self-care a priority in their lives;
  3. 65% improvement in their ability to deal with burnout.

 

 

15-days-of-impact-day-15Day #15 Impact:  Those of you who donated and supported Indrani’s Light Foundation in 2016 made it possible for us to teach, raise awareness, support caregivers, certify trainers, and take action to continue our mission to end violence against women.

 

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If you would like to know more about how you can support Indrani’s Light in making even more of an impact in 2017 you can donate here: http://indranislight.org/15-days-of-impact-2016/

OR DONATE HERE

2016 “Orange the World” Campaign Video Message: Day 13

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Here is Indrani’s “Day 13” personal “call to action” video message to you, as we continue to support the UN Women’s “Orange the World” campaign to end violence against women and girls.

Today, Indrani wants to speak directly to those of you experiencing violence in your homes.  You can decide to end violence within your four walls.  #my4walls #brightlife #16days

Please share this video on social media! You can find our Facebook page at “Indrani’s Light.”  You can access all #16days of personal video messages from Indrani.

Let’s END violence against women and girls together!

“ORANGE THE WORLD”

Follow us on Twitter @indranis_light #orangetheworld #16days

 

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“Live A Brighter Life”
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It is a big deal: It happened to me

Blog, Domestic Violence, life, News & Updates, women, , , ,

orange-the-world-w-ilf-logoThe unusual topic of conversation seems to follow me.  At business meetings, dinner parties, and coffee dates, people keep talking to me about their childhood abuse.  It makes sense:  my story of abuse motivates my work, and I don’t stop talking about my mission to end violence in every home {TEDTalk}.  Because I share my vulnerable story, people open up to me; some tell of severe cases, others of the occasional slap or scream.  It must be human nature to diffuse pain and suffering because most say that they deserved the abuse.

Let me tell you this… I did not deserve it.

I did not deserve to be beaten because the baby pooped in his diaper and smeared it on the wall.  The baby was one years old and I was five.  I was told to watch the baby, and I was watching the baby.  Regardless, I did not deserve to be hit.  Nothing a child does merits physical pain and emotional suffering – even if it’s to “teach a lesson.”

This is but one incident of parental anger and rage that was not right.  My life of violence was a big deal to me as a child, but it became even bigger when it reared its ugly head after I became a mother.  In my TEDxTalk , I describe how I had to fight the beast inside me for the sake of my own innocent child. I believed, and still do, that “if we do not claim our abuse, we will repeat it.”  It was a big deal to my son that I never beat him. It was a big deal to me that I saved a new generation from violence.

We all have a Moral Imperative to end violence in the world, the majority of which is done towards women and children.  November 25 is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women and we must all use our voices to make the issue of Gender-Based Violence a big deal.  I will be using my voice in my home country, Trinidad, during the 16 days of Gender Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, to ensure that the issue of violence is not ignored as part of my work with  Maverick Collective and Population Services International (PSI).  I am Trinidadian and am proud to be.  I am, however, not proud that violence is so pervasive and normalized.  Many Trinidadians are of the opinion that violence is needed to “discipline.”  This is not so.

There is much research that shows children who receive violence suffer not only in the present moment but also long into the future.  According to the Centers of Disease Control  abused children are plagued with a long list of repercussions from depression and suicides, to inability to maintain healthy intimate relationships, to becoming abusers themselves.  So if childhood abuse is so common in Trinidad, no wonder 1 in 3 Trinidadians have experienced physical violence from their most recent intimate partner, according to a PSI-Caribbean study.

Reports of crimes related to sexual assault and domestic violence increased by nearly 50% between 2013 and 2014 according to the UN in the Universal Periodic Review of Trinidad and Tobago.  But it doesn’t have to be this way.  Abuse doesn’t have to keep happening to children.  Relationships don’t have to be plagued with violence.  It starts with you. Determine your Adverse Childhood Experiences Score to understand how your childhood may have affected your physical and emotional growth.  If violence happened to you, it is a big deal.  But you also have the power to end it, in your own home, starting today.

Let’s #orangetheworld together, because TOGETHER WE ARE MIGHTY!

With Love & Light,

Indrani Goradia | Founder
Indrani’s Light Foundation