Category Archives: Domestic Violence

What happens after you say “No?”

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, life, women

In our Live A Brighter Life workshops, we teach a module called “Saying No.”  In the last blog we talked about some of the reasons why you are fearful about saying “No.”  (If you’d like to be taught some tools about HOW to say “no,” we have a 6-week online course starting in the summer. Click here for more information).

Managing NOOnce you learn and practice new techniques on HOW to say “No,” now you need to make sure you can manage the reaction you will receive from others, now that you’ve said the word “No.”  Here are the tools:

  • Hold your ground
  • Expect the other person’s stages of denial
  • Take a DEEP breath (literally)
  • Become the observer

The last tool, “become the observer,” means that you try to imagine you are observing this scenario on a stage.  You are a member of the audience watching yourself saying “No” to this person.  You can watch to see the tactics that this person will use.  As this is happening you can “name the game,” or tactic to yourself.  There are many games: flattery, bribery, threats, manipulation, personal attacks, guilt, shame, slippery slope, etc.

Can you say, “No?” If you need help, WE can help.  This is a FREE class you can attend in private, or face to face with us online.  Either way, we can offer you support and great tools to live a brighter life.  Click here to sign up!

Love & Light,

Team ILF

What do you need to say “No” to today?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women

Under what circumstances would you like to say, “No?” Are there circumstances in your life right now in which you are not saying “No” because you are:

  • Accommodating someone.
  • Attacking the person for asking for something.
  • Avoiding the situation all together.

What do you need to say_NO_ to today_At Indrani’s Light Foundation, we teach the Live A Brighter Life workshop series. In the second module we teach tools about HOW to say, “No.” We talk about “The 3 A’s.” Accommodate, attack, and avoid.

For example:

  • Accommodate: “Anne” does NOT say no, and accommodates her husband by giving over all of her money to him because she fears he will retaliate.
  • Attack: “Alice” yells and screams at her son because he consistently disobeys her.
  • Avoid: “Martha” steers clear of her co-worker, who seems to always want to borrow money.

Do something right now ….

Take a few minutes to write down one instance in which you would like to say, “No.” Write down the emotions that you feel about this issue.

Please give us the top two emotions that come up for you.

 

Love & Light,

 

The ILF Team

(P.S. If you are interested in taking our 6-week online Live A Brighter Life at no cost, please click here for more information.  Classes start June 30th.

Time to set some boundaries?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women

{Written by Amy Dier | Director of Education & Training | Indrani’s Light Foundation

What are the different types of personal boundaries?

In our “Live A Brighter Life” workshops, the very first thing we teach is the definition and concept of boundaries. We define boundaries as follows:

“Guidelines, rules, or limits created by a person for herself that are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to treat her, as well as how she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.”

boundaries image

So now that you know the textbook definition of the word “boundary,” what does it actually mean to you?  I have guidelines and limits I live by, however, it’s a daily struggle for me to actually voice these guidelines to others in my life. (I’ll talk about this in the next blog).  There are boundaries that I allow to be crossed on many levels, and the Live A Brighter Life curriculum has been incredibly helpful to help me improve the way I communicate with people, and keep the crossed boundaries at bay.

What was most helpful was to be taught and reminded of the types of boundaries most of us have:

  • PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES – pertains to personal space, bubble.
  • MENTAL BOUNDARIES – pertains to beliefs, emotion and intuition.
  • SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES – pertains to self-esteem, sense of identity.

Those kinds of boundaries make perfect sense, and seem to be easy to work on. What I was missing was the link between the mental and emotional boundaries.  There are times where I think “Emotional Boundaries” should be a separate category. For me, I become the most vulnerable around emotions.  If I get triggered by someone’s actions, I can normally protect my physical, mental and spiritual compass. But my emotions get the best of me at times, and I get angry and completely withdraw for a period of time.

For example, if someone accuses me of something I didn’t do, or someone completely discounts me, I do not pass go ….. I do not collect $200 …. I go straight to anger and emotional jail.  I withdraw for hours, if not days. I don’t speak to the person.  And sometimes I won’t tell them they have hurt me, or that I just need some time to process what happened.  I’m trying to get better at expressing my feelings, but it’s so damn hard! This is the challenge of facing our lack of boundaries, and how we deal with keeping them clear.

What are the most challenging boundaries for YOU to manage?  I would love to know what seems to be keeping you from speaking up and voicing your limits to your friends and family.  Or maybe you are good with boundaries with strangers, but not your loved ones.  Tell us a story….

With Love & Light,

Amy Dier

(P.S. If you are interested in taking our 6-week online Live A Brighter Life at no cost, please click here for more information.  Classes start June 30th.

I claim Elder-ship. Will you join me?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, life, women

I had the great fortune to attend the Women Deliver Conference 2016 in Copenhagen from May 16-19, 2016.  The experience was life changing. I saw and met so many people working on the huge problems that face our world from child marriage to female mutilation to gender violence prevention.

I am very hopeful that the world can heal from these epidemics and that smart and dedicated people are working to solutions.  In my own way, I am also working globally and you can see all about my work here www.maverickcollective.org.

One of the more memorable events was when I met Hina Jilani, one of The Elders.  I had heard of this amazing group of people and never thought I would ever meet one of them, let alone in a small group.  Nelson Mandela created The Elders and said, “The Elders can speak freely and boldly, working both publicly and behind the scenes.  They will reach out to those who most need their help.  They will support courage where there is fear, foster agreement where there is conflict and inspire hope where there is despair.”

WOW!  Such an amazing mission.

So I became very jealous of THIS mission.

I want to be one of The Elders …. then I realized that I AM an Elder.  I am 62 years old, and that is certainly old enough to be an elder.  I can adopt the mission and work in ways that support the stated mission.  I may not be able to speak to heads of state, but I can speak to the people with whom I come into contact and I can attempt to create a culture of peace.
I can start within my own life, and seek to do no harm in action and word while accepting my humanness and forgiving myself when I inadvertently hurt another.

How can YOU, embody the mission of The Elders in your life?

Can you embody the tenants in your family?

Can you accept your own wisdom and begin to act and speak in ways that support humanity?

I hope to be able to report to you in the future about some of the projects that may come my way that will enable me to be an Elder in thought and spirit and behavior and word.

Love & Light,

Indrani Goradia

Where is the bottle opener?

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women,

IMG_4760

 

I own a great little tool. It is a hammer AND a bottle opener.  I don’t know why I bought it, except to say it was an unexpected combination.  One day, I had a visitor who wanted a bottle opener.

I yelled from the bedroom, “Look for the hammer!”  He yelled back, “I said a bottle opener!”  I yelled back, “Look for the hammer in the drawer with the knives!”

This exchange went back and forth until I came out of the bedroom and made him LOOK into the drawer and he said, “OHH!!” He then tried to start a conversation about how stupid it was to put a bottle opener and a hammer together.  I did not engage. I went back to what ever I had been doing.

Why am I telling you this story?

We all have problems to solve.  My friend’s problem was HOW to get the beer out of a bottle that did not have a twist off cap.  It was a significant problem for him.

You probably have a significant problem you are trying to solve today, and you may not give yourself permission to look for a tool in an unlikely place.  Perhaps a piece of your solution will come from a poem, or a book, or a coach, or a therapist.   Perhaps a piece of the solution is meditation combined with exercise combined with rock climbing. Maybe the solution is a hobby, like quilting, and you will decide to enter your quilt into a competition because you are competitive. Perhaps you will decide to learn to swim at age 50 and do an Olympic Distance Triathlon, like I did.

My point is that solutions come from a variety of places and people.  Try not to discount anything until you have given it a try.  There will be lots of people who will tell you HOW to solve your problem because it’s the way they solved a similar problem.

Maybe you will be irritated with them and lash out.

Try to tell them that you would like them to NOT advise you for the next three weeks while you ponder solutions for yourself.  Put YOU at the center of your solution and listen to the whisper you get about certain solutions you might try.

Remember when I said, “Look for the hammer,” it made NO sense to my friend until he saw the hammer attached to the bottle opener.

What kind of strange gadget might be the right tool for you?

Good luck looking.  Have fun looking.

Love and light,
Indrani

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Feeling abandoned and unappreciated at work

Blog, Domestic Violence, life, videos, women

Indrani wrote a blog the other day about a saying we hear all too often …. “Same ol’ same ol’, nothing ever changes.” You are most likely saying right now, “Yep, I say this all of the time at work.” So I ask you, “Why are you saying this? Why are you feeling this way?”

Read Indrani’s full blog here …..

When I ask these questions to the caregivers at women’s shelters, they often share that they feel unappreciated at work, or feel abandoned by their bosses or co-workers. When they share an idea to make a positive change at work, many times they are ignored. If a change IS made, the work environment changes for a short time, then goes back to the same ol’ same ol’ place.

I’ve also discussed this feeling with administrators and supervisors of women’s shelters and organizations. They have tried to make positive changes for their staff, but the staff members don’t seem to appreciate the changes, and respond with skepticism and criticism. Hmmmm, so where do we go from here?

Speaking from experience of working in law enforcement and private investigations for almost 30 years, I completely understand these feelings on both ends. Every day I went to work, the same problems and issues were a constant battle. Someone would make a positive change for a week, and then it would go back to the same ol’ same ol’ way. So when does the responsibility shift onto us? When do I say, “I’m going to change my attitude and be grateful I have a job, and be the positive change.”

If you belong to an organization that you believe needs our help and training, please contact us at info@indranislight.org. We have a training class called the Caregiver Project, in which we educate and train the staff and administrators on how you can make positive changes in your work environment that can be permanent.

Here’s a short video that summarizes our project:

Please check in with us in the comments below about what your work environment is like right now.  Are YOU trying to make a positive change?  Or are you waiting for others to make the change.  Just curious.

Please share this with your co-workers and friends.  We would love your feedback.

Love and Light,

Amy Dier | Director of Education & Training
Indrani’s Light Foundation

Caregivers, BE the change!

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women, , , ,

Written by  Amy Dier – Director of Education & Training | Indrani’s Light Foundation

BE the changeIndrani recently wrote a blog about the phrase that many of us use too often ….. “Same ol’ same ol’, nothing ever changes!” When I was in law enforcement for 20 years, this was a very common statement I heard over and over again. I worked with many government agency employees, and many were my friends. They, too, used this phrase to describe their discord, and lack of enthusiasm around their jobs.

Now that I’m the Director of Education and Training for Indrani’s Light Foundation, I have been given an opportunity to lead our Caregiver Project, where we reach out and train the staff, volunteers, and administrators of women’s shelters and organizations.  These are the “Caregivers” who work with the women and children who are in need of shelter, counseling, medical and psychological help.  Many of these caregivers are burning out, and quitting their jobs at the shelters because of the every day stress of working in this kind of environment.  Not only is it emotionally hard to work with the women and children, it can also be stressful to work at a shelter with internal personnel issues, which is commonplace.

When I reach out to the shelter caregivers and ask them their biggest source of stress, they tell me when changes are made to improve their work environment, it only lasts for a little while, and then everything goes back to the “same ol’ same ol’.”  There are feelings of abandonment, or lack of trust.  There are shelter administrators who are under an incredible amount of stress to keep their shelter open based on funding, and not be able to pay their staff what they really deserve.

So Indrani wants our training and follow up calls to the caregivers to include a way to challenge the staff to change the language of “same ol’ same ol’.

So here is what Indrani wants the caregivers to do:

“If you are in a work environment and you feel and think that nothing ever changes, I challenge you to live with your values and have the courage to be the one to change in any given situation.  The next time you hear someone say, “Same ol’ same ol’, do the opposite of roll your eyes. Be curious and say, “What do you mean?” Try to engage the negative person to see if you can change the energy in the situation.  Do not succumb to the negative, step away when you feel like you are losing your own positivity.  You take control of YOU, and take YOU out of the negative equation.  Give it s try and see if same old same old can become same situation different me!”  Click here to read the full blog

If you are a caregiver, or a leader of caregivers, or work in an environment where it seems as though nothing ever changes, we challenge you to be brave, step up your game, and take control of YOU!  Step away from the negative and BE the change.

If this blog resonates with you, please comment below.  We’d love to know if this has encouraged you to make a difference at your workplace, and BE the change.  If you’d like to know more about our Caregiver Project, click HERE.

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“Same ol’ same ol’, nothing ever changes!”

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women, , ,

same olHave you ever said these words?  Have you ever heard these words said to you?  I am willing to bet that you can answer “yes” to at least one of the above questions.

Now, think back for a moment to one of the times when you thought, “Nothing ever changes.” Was it a happy moment? Was it a moment of uplift and hope?  Or was it a moment of sadness and despair?  Was it a moment when things were going wrong and you felt the feeling of hopelessness, and nothing would ever change?  Then the moment or event passed and something changed.

Maybe the experience came back, or maybe it is a recurring event in your life as in an illness, or the illness of someone else. Maybe it’s a break up or a devastating divorce.  I say “devastating divorce” because some divorces are not devastating, and it’s actually the best thing the couple ever did.  I know of some of those!

The thing I want to point out is this there is NO moment in time when the phrase “Nothing ever changes” is accurate.  It is NEVER a fact that “nothing ever changes.”  I don’t like to use the word “never,” and in this instance the word is accurate.

Things are always changing.
Things are always in flux.

Let’s bring the thought that “nothing ever changes,” down to the lowest common denominator.  The thing that this feeling has in common every single time, is US.  It is the “ME” that is always present in every situation where I can exclaim that nothing ever changes ….. that it’s the “same ol’ same ol’.”

When I have moments like these (and I do), every single day, I try to ask myself a few questions.  I ask myself if “I” have changed.  I ask myself to look around and see at least one thing that has changed with the experience around me.  Perhaps I can see that the venue has changed, or my clothing has changed, or that there are different players in the scenario.

Now, here is the tricky part, if the players have changed and IF I am still irritated and feel like nothing ever changes, COULD the problem be ME?  Now you ask, “Hold on a minute Indrani, you want us to blame ourselves when crap happens? Is it not enough that “crap” just seems to follow us around?”

No, I am not trying to lay blame.  I am asking you to investigate the situation to see if YOUR reactions and/or behaviors have anything to do with the recurring outcome of the experience.

Let’s take a simple example:
Let’s say I am driving, it’s a lovely day and I left the house being very happy.  Suddenly, someone cuts in front of me and I start screaming at them. (Mind you, they can’t hear me because they are not in my car).  In my car, however, are my young children.  I’m taking them to school, and they were happy, too.  But now they are scared and hate it when I scream, and on top of it I am cursing!  I drop them off at school and I am still fuming at the “horrible driver,” and I forget to kiss the kids goodbye.  At the end of the day, I pick up the kids and the teacher is waiting for me.  The oldest has detention because someone cut in front of him in the lunch line and he cursed at the kid.

See the connection here?

Now, I ask the kid, “Why are you always in trouble? Why is it always the same ol’ same ol’?”
I have to accept responsibility for what I did in the car, and accept that it set the kid off on a bad morning. So, if I always scream and curse at bad drivers, then I have a responsibility to change my behaviors and model behavior change for my child. I have to be present to my part in the whole outcome of the day.

Author, Amy Cuddy, defines “Presence” as, “The state of being attuned to and able to comfortably express true thoughts, feelings, values and potential.”  In her book, “Presence,” she tells us in easily understood language that being present in any situation allows us to be empowered within the situation. I may not be able to affect my desired outcome, but I will be able to think and act in accordance with my values.  She tells us “it is NOT a permanent transcendent mode of being.  It comes and goes.  It is a moment to moment phenomenon.”

In the above instance with the cursing in the car, if I am HONEST with myself (honesty is one of my values), then I will tell the teacher that I lost my cool in the car and was cursing that morning, and I think I set my kid up on the wrong foot.  If I am not honest, I tell the teacher that I do not know where the kid learns these words and it’s the father’s fault. Even though I have honesty as a strong value, I can still choose to lie and not live by my value system.

If you want to know your top 5 values, go to www.viasurvey.org and do a short survey and get your top values for free.  Knowing them is one thing, but trying to live by them is quite another.  Living intentionally and with our values is the foundation of our daily, even moment by moment practice.  It requires us to be honest with ourselves when we mess up and requires us to have the courage to step back onto the values path the very next moment.

If you are in a work environment and you feel and think that nothing ever changes, I challenge you to live with your values and have the courage to be the one to change in any given situation.  The next time you hear someone say, “Same ol’ same ol’, do the opposite of rolling your eyes.  Be curious and say, “What do you mean?” Try to engage the negative person to see if you can change the energy in the situation.  Do not succumb to the negative, step away when you feel like you are losing your own positivity.

You take control of YOU, and take YOU out of the negative equation.  Give it a try and see if same ol’ same ol’ can become “same situation, different me!”

Love and light,

Indrani

(P.S.  The referenced book by author, Amy Cuddy, is called, Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges)

Corporal Punishment and the Moral High Ground that it Implies

Blog, Domestic Violence, women, ,

Screenshot 2016-04-18 10.42.59There is a viral video going around the last few days (April 15, 2016) about a 5-year-old in Jasper County, Georgia being paddled by the principle who says very confidently, “I’m gonna do it ONE time unless you wiggle around.”  WATCH THE STORY HERE

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In other words, stand like a man and take your beatings. I am not going to talk about the mom, just about the rule that makes beatings legal. I am reminded of an instance about 23 years ago when one of my kids was little and I went to pick them up at school. The teacher met me at the door with a “parenting” book that extolled the virtues of beating with excerpts from the bible. I wished I had kept it. I threw it away. I understood that my child had acted up and the teacher wanted me to beat my child at home.

See my TEDxTalk  on what I think of beating children:

I went to the school and asked them to see their “rules” on beating children. They proudly produced the pages that explained their corporal punishment guidelines and, of course, with the parents’ permission. It was assumed that if I brought my child to this school, I would give cart blanch to all their rules.

They had another thing coming.

I looked each one in the eye and made sure they understood that I DO NOT give permission for ANYONE to lay a FINGER on my child. I told them I would not hesitate to sue them. I promptly found another school.

Many parents do not have the resources to change school, or even the parenting skills to help their child, or even the confidence to stand up to “authority.” My heart breaks for the children being schooled under archaic laws, and the parents trying their best without real parenting tools. There are many free resources these days and I hope that people try to find answers in this world of Internet resources.

Help yourself to help your child.

Love and light,

Indrani

(P.S.  I would love to hear your thoughts or stories about this issue of spanking in our schools.  What say you?)

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Tornadoes and Energy Surges

Blog, Domestic Violence, women, , , , ,

“Do you have someone to helpyou with tornadoes and energy surges_ ”Recently I had an experience that made me lose my ground. It shut down ALL my chakras.

I felt the air sucked out of me. I felt like I had NO physical self. I was but a swirl of energy. Someone asked, “What are you thinking?” I said, “I am only feeling.” They did not know what else to ask. I felt like the wet towel on the floor. This feeling used to be very familiar. I worked hard to learn new behaviors, and worked harder to cement those behaviors.

Here is what I wished someone had said …. “Indrani, can you hear me? Shake your head if you can.” (I had no language. I only had preverbal behaviors like crying and flailing). I would have shook my head.

Then I wished they would have said … “Can you feel your toes, feet, legs, hips, belly, chest, arms, head?” In other words, I wished they had done the body scan on me since my brain was off line, and I could not have thought of this tool myself.

Then I wished they had said …. “Indrani, breathe with me. Look at me. Hold my hands.” I wished they had grounded me. But they did not. They did not know how.

So I collapsed in a heap on the floor.
My spine crumbled life a crushed egg.
I could not hold my weight.

BOOM

The sonic boom I was not expecting, happened. The energy demolished me. It took me many days to recover from the daze.

Now I know. Now I understand that old behaviors that were not useful then are still not useful now.

Now I know. I will hold on to this knowledge.

Do you have someone to help you with energy surges? I hope you do. It will save your life.

Love and light,
Indrani

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