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How will you celebrate today?

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international-womens-dayHappy International Women’s Day!

Here at ILF, we are sending some major love and light to women all around the world.

“Let us each make ONE small commitment today to begin to live in our truth, not in our limitations. To live from expansive and glorious energy, not diminutive and restrictive energy. To make strides towards a new and magnificent goal, not just away from a lesser one.” -Indrani Goradia

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Let us lift each other up. Not just today, but everyday.

How are you celebrating today? Leave a comment below…we would love to hear from you!

 

Celebrating YOU,

Team ILF

What stinks?

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via Sourpuss-Jenny-Erickson-S.-ExchangeEver walk into a room and instantly notice that something smells?  Stale smoke, mold, mildew. A habit like smoking lingers…so even if you are not the smoker and you are breathing the smoke second hand, you can be effected.  The toxins stick.

Toxic people and situations stick to stuff.

Abuse not only affects the victim and those who may be witnesses but as a party several degrees removed, you still can sense the anger and fear. Perhaps it is a broken lamp, a noticeable bruise or wound, a torn piece of clothing, a broken window…the violence now affects you.  You may feel scared, fearful, and angry at the perpetrator. You find yourself walking on egg shells in a play that has ended but the signs are still there.  Now you have the toxins.

The toxins of verbal abuse resonate beyond the fight.  A husband and wife argue. The wife saturated with the toxins of her husband’s venom then pushes those toxins out to her children. You are at the playground or school and you see the kids now fighting using the same words they heard at home, the name calling, the demeaning talk.  Now those toxins from the original argument have affected those who are unaware of the verbal toxins of the home. Now they have affected innocent people outside of the original dumping ground.

We expose ourselves to third party toxins from events, habits, situations we never knew existed but we walk away changed and not for the good.  Some of those toxins may even trigger dormant hurts from our past like shame, fear, and helplessness.   We have to rely on our sixth sense, our intuition or our gut to remove ourselves from these poisons so that we do not suffer or get injured.

Have you ever been in a room where you could feel the tension and you know something just happened?  Have you felt the shame as someone calls another worthless, and you take on that shame as if it was your own?

We need to listen to our intuition to save us from the ugly toxins that surround us.  Do you have the courage to walk away in these situations?

You have permission to be FULL OF SELF….

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images via changeyourenergyWhen I was growing up in Trinidad, I used to hear older people telling younger people (mainly younger girls) that “they were too full of themselves.”

Often times that phrase was followed by a swift beating…a lesson that would serve to “put you back in your place.”

I accepted it as truth, that women should NOT be full of self. That being full of self was boasting and bragging and evil and only the Devil made one do that.

I have CHANGED my mind!

Today, I am FULL OF SELF!

It took a lot of hard work to kick the old beliefs to the curb and watch the bus run over them and kill them in front if my eyes.
I began to change my mind when I began to believe that my gifts and talents were worthy of being shown.
I decided to stop hiding my light under a basket.

Lights and skills and talents need to be placed on high to do the best good.
What good is knowing how to sing and only singing to oneself?
What good is knowing how to lead and never taking the reins as the leader?

In case you were waiting for someone to give you permission to be Full of Self… I’m giving it to you now.

Go forth and be Full of your BEST SELF!

Will people say that you are bragging? Maybe.
Will people say you should be less in their face? Maybe.

The bigger question is…
What will you say to the talents and gifts that have been patiently waiting in the shadows?
Will you ask them to be quiet for another year or two or ten?

What if you ONLY have a few years left?

The truth is this. None of us know how much time we have left so we MUST use all that we have to make this world a better place.
One of my favorite quotes is from Erma Bombeck.

“When I stand before God at the end of my days, I want to say, I have nothing left I used it all.”

I want this to be my utterance also.

I invite you to use all your gifts and talents, start TODAY!

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Practice the successes… not the failures

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concentrate via wellnessonlineA few weeks ago in the NY Times, I read an article on how Olympians use imagery to practice their jumps, runs and plays.

One of the team psychologists, Nicole Dietling said, “In images, it is absolutely crucial that you don’t fail. You are training those muscles and if you train those muscles to fail that is not where you really want to be. So one of the things I will do is if they fail in the image, we stop, rewind and replay again and again and again.”

I think that we can use this technique for creating the quality of life we expect for ourselves. We cannot use imagery to change another’s behaviors but we can use imagery to change our own behaviors.

Let’s say for example, that you have a teenager that drives you batty. You have tried everything you know and still the two of you end up in screaming and shouting matches.

YOU can use imagery to change the behaviors you want to change in yourself.

If you wish to NOT be in a shouting match, you can use imagery to bring up a fight that recurs with your child and when you SEE yourself losing it, STOP and rewind to the beginning of the fight and imagine yourself using a different behavior.

The sports psychologists who teach imagery teach that the athletes must see, feel, smell, hear and taste the entire scenario. So an athlete will be able to conjure up the wind in their face, the taste of the air, the smells of the venue, etc.

Similarly, you can use imagery to see which areas of contention get to you the most with the teenager.

You can begin to change your reactions to the child and control where the conversation will go.

When I had teenagers, I hated that I would often fall into the very shouting match I so desperately wanted to avoid.

I wish I would have known about imagery back then.

I think as parents we need to use every tool we have at our disposal to teach our children how to be calm and controlled adults and when we lose it, we just teach them that we have a lot of learning to do.

Let’s try to utilize all the techniques that are proven so we can model great parenting for our children. After all, most of us want grand kids and do we want our children yelling at our grand kids the way we are yelling at them?

I hope this helps the next time you feel that you are losing it, but it will ONLY help if you practice using imagery when you are not in the midst of the crisis.
Love and light,
Indrani

Malignant impulses….aka acid attacks!

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photo (1)I have been reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ Women Who Run with Wolves and I came upon these two words… Malignant Impulses.

I stopped dead in my tracks and tried to digest these two words that she so magically strung together.

The dictionary defines Malignant as “passionately and relentlessly malevolent” and “evil in nature, influence or effect.” Some other words that are similar to malignant are:

  • Cruel
  • Hateful
  • Malevolent
  • Spiteful
  • Vicious.

We really do know DEEP down that to have a malignancy in one’s life is a straight path to hell, then imminent death.

Impulse is defined as, “a force so communicated as to produce motion suddenly” and “a propensity or natural tendency OTHER than rational.”

If we speak English, we KNOW how powerful the stringing of Malignant is with Impulse.
We GET the meaning in our gut. We have a visceral understanding of these words.

It really does not matter what the dictionary says, we all know the energy of malignant. A malignant tumor is one that will kill you.
It screams aggression and it also screams that life as you know it will be forever changed.

We also know (if we are honest with ourselves) and understand impulses.
If you have children you have invested thousands of hours in helping them to control impulses…especially in the classroom.
If I had a penny for every time I tried to teach impulse control, I would have LOTS of money.

When we think of abuse we can see how malignant impulse can be applied and it makes sense.
People who use abuse can be called malignant beings. They infect others with their special brand of pain or cruelty.
They always have their reasons, like so and so did not do what was asked so they HAD to be taught a lesson, punished and beaten back into submission.
The impulse that the abuser feels to impose their view of the world on someone else is often so fierce that they will not stand for any other words for their request but YES.

Telling an abuser NO makes them crazy and their malignancy comes flying out of their soul.

Acid Attacks are one such example of malignant impulses.

I met a young woman in Delhi whose name is Laxmi. She was 15 when a 32 year old man asked her to marry him.
He was a malignant being. She said no and he threw acid in her face and disfigured her for life.
He DID NOT, however, kill her spirit.
She is now an activist working with a campaign to STOP ACID ATTACKS.
She is a special brand of hero. Underneath all of her burned skin…she shines as brightly as 10,000 suns.

We may not be able to stop malignant people from their malignant impulses but we may be able to use our intuition to stay away from such nasty beings.

If you think you are in danger of someone’s malignant impulses, PLEASE try to get help. Tell LOTS of people what you suspect. Do NOT allow people to talk you out of your intuitive knowing.

You must be vigilant for your own welfare.

In the USA, acid attacks take the form of gun violence and you must be hyper vigilant of your surroundings.

Be careful and be strong.
Love and light,
Indrani

Some suitcases look just like yours….

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please check luggage carefully…and some lives look just like what you thought you wanted. Open carefully and give back when necessary.

Recently, on a domestic trip, I grabbed the wrong suitcase from the luggage carousel and went to my hotel room.
The suitcase looked exactly like mine until I gave a closer look.

When I tried to open it, I saw that a zip tie had been used to secure the zippers.
Odd, I thought, but I just called down to Guest Services and they sent someone with a pair of scissors.

When the hotel staff member arrived he offered to also cut off the luggage tag and I told him, “Sure, go ahead.” How nice of him.

So now, I did not have the tag to check the name on the suitcase.

I laid the suitcase on the floor and then saw the “heavy” tag which, again, I thought was odd….I did not think it was that heavy. Perhaps I am just really strong!

Then I saw that the outer lining that protected the zipper was torn but I knew that my lining was perfect when I left home.

I opened the suitcase, MY suitcase, and WHOA……
A man’s belt and men’s shoes.
I slammed the suitcase SHUT and immediately called the airline.
I admitted my error, jumped into a taxi and WHEW, my suitcase was patiently waiting and I made the exchange.

The only question I asked was this, “Was the owner of this bag coming home? Did he at least get to go to a home stocked with lots of extra clothes?” She said, “Yes, this is home for him.” The airline person DID NOT even ask for my ID! It was clear to her from the whole story that the suitcase was indeed mine!

How can I turn this into a life lesson?

It took a night’s sleep for the lesson to form. Here goes!
Suppose that the suitcase represented a LIFE that I knowingly signed up for.
So let’s suppose marriage and being a married woman was the lot that was chosen.
How would I know IF the type of marriage (suitcase) was the kind that I signed up for?
I would have to live with the marriage for a while and see how it suited my values and desires.
I would do my best and be my best and respect my husband as I would hope he would respect me.

Suppose that I began to see signs of “Umm, this seems ODD.”
Much like the few times I thought ODD when I further inspected the luggage that was not mine.
I might begin to see that the “fabric” of my soul was being torn and ripped; much like the lining of the bag that I noticed was torn.
I might say, “Whoa, I came into this union whole and complete with good values and morals but now I see things that I did not see before.”
Perhaps, my spouse begins to cheat and get drunk and come home being belligerent. Perhaps, I keep making excuses and deny what I am seeing….a sign that things need to be addressed.

Next, I might be told that “women in this family do not __________.” This could be anything from talking to people outside the family or having to wear certain clothing, to not even showing your face when visitors arrive at your home.

I may continue to think… ODD, this is not the kind of restricted life for which I entered into legal contract!
Like the zip tie that I saw on the zippers that I did not put there, I may have again, not paid in depth attention to the first signs of a shrinking and bound life.

How about the “Heavy” sticker that I saw on the suitcase that was not mine? I may not realize that my feelings of self worth seem to be gone and my heart is heavy with grief. I may again, decide to ignore the signs that things are not what I want for my life.

Until, I take the time to actually OPEN the marriage and LOOK inside, I may NOT realize that what I am seeing is NOT what I want to have in my life.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in “Women Who Run with Wolves” tells us that women who must break from a life that is not what they envisioned must “be able to see and STAND what they see.”

Able to See and Stand what you see!

What a powerful thought.

As far as the suitcase goes, I saw and I clearly understood that IT was not mine and I returned it.

In an abusive marriage, the woman MUST be able to open up her eyes and SEE very clearly that THIS ABUSE is NOT what she had agreed to and that she has been fooled.

Can she STAND to see the truth to save herself?

Please do not think that I am equating an abusive marriage with as simple a thing as a suitcase, I am not. I am only trying to tell you a story that would open up a few new windows in your soul, should you have to make a hard decision about your marriage or any relationship.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes also tells us that a woman MUST be able to answer a few questions and be ok with the responses.
One of these questions is, “What do I know deep in my ovarios that I wished I did not know?”
She refers to ovarios as the mythological part of the women that carries deep wisdom, where the seeds of knowledge are stored.

Life is not as easy as returning a suitcase that belongs to someone else.
It does not have to be as horrific as living with an abuser or predator either.
The choice is that of the one being abused.
The abused MUST be able to stand what she is seeing and make plans to save her life.
The abuser is NOT the one with the internal power.
The ABUSED has the internal power and she has to be willing to look into the darkness and see what only SHE can see.

Be brave and be strong and ASK for help.
Love and light,
Indrani

Shining light in India……

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Indrani in IndiaWrapping up one of many trips to India to address the issue of Gender-Based Violence and the ripples are already making waves.

We are so grateful for the amazing team that is involved with this movement and thrilled that the press is helping to spread our message.

Our journey continues….

 

 

Inspiring Women Wednesday….

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UntitledMeet an amazing woman who was NOT afraid of her skills in Math and Science.

Encourage the girls in your life to excel at the fields that they show interest and talent in….even if the fields are those that we tend to reserve for the boys.

We need women to step into the hard sciences.

Women need to take their place alongside their male counterparts.
 

Love & light,

 

Indrani

We will not be silenced…..

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One small change in the Afghan Law will take all of the slow progress that has been made to end gender violence back to the Stone Age. This one small change in the law will make those who commit honor killings and gender violence safe by banning victims and witnessing family members from testifying against the accused.

Please pray for our Afghan sisters. The underground shelters will have a lot of work on their hands.

Know that we will not give up. Our fight to end gender-based violence continues…..

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/feb/04/afghanistan-law-victims-violence-women?utm_content=buffer07fea&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

 

Love & light,

Indrani

 

When the invisible is finally seen… It can never again be hidden.

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womans eye via wallpapaerswideTry to think of something important, significant and poignant that you know now, but to which you used to be ignorant.

For me, it is the fragility of teenagers.

There was a time, before I had children, that I did not know the in credibility of teenage-hood.
I used to think that they were just younger versions of adults, that it was just a chronological thing for them.

I did not know that their brains were barely baked, or that their executive functioning skills were sorely lacking, or that they had the capacity to think of others.

Let me make a side note here. There ARE some teenagers who are incredibly mature and make ALL the “right” decisions….the kind of decisions that make adults proud and secure in their parenting skills. Yes, there are many of these beings.

If you know one of those beings… run, do not walk and hug them. Give the permission to make mistakes and to break some rules.

Give them permission to be one of the “other” kinds of teenagers.

Now that I know a few more things about the way teenagers behave, and that as parents, we should not take it personally, I can never not know.

This knowing, gives me the gift of compassion for teenagers and their witless parents.
The kind of witless parent I used to be.

In the words of Mark Nepo, ” …what has become visible and true will not become invisible again.”
Mark Nepo tells us that honoring ourselves means that “we will not pretend to be ignorant to what we know to be true…”

When we allow our knowing to inform our living, we live in honor of spirit of all things. We especially live in honor of ourselves.

Can we be patient enough to hold honor for all the “future KNOWINGS” that we will receive in the exact right time?

That is indeed a hard task.

Try to think of something you desperately want to know now…something that is bothering you in a deep and confusing way.

Can you give yourself the gift of patience and time to allow the knowing to appear to you?

If the answer is “no way,” then you have chosen a path very fraught with brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

Yes, you will be caught on the many branches in the way as you barge thru the unknown.

If, however, the answer is a soft “maybe,” then you stand a chance of less pain and less regret. You will allow yourself to step over the brambles and sticker bushes. You will be more discerning with your steps.

If your answer is a resounding “yes,” then you, my friend, will be still enough to see the different path, the one clear from the brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

I do not know which decision you will make but know this, YOU can always start again and make a different decision.

Remember to learn from the hasty decisions though, lest you trip yourself up again.

Wait…wait for the path to be clear. Wait for the clearer path to show itself.

Wait.

It may be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.
Love and light,
Indrani