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We are THEY…

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In the book I Thought It Was Just Me…(but it isn’t), Dr. Brene Brown cautions us to not divide the world into US and THEY.

We have all experienced loss, addictions, failures, etc. To draw a random line around the mistakes that THEY make VS the mistakes the WE make makes no sense.
The only thing it does is keep us separated from seeing the other as being human and needing empathy and compassion just as much as we do.

How many groups of THEY do you recognize in your own life?
Different religions?
Different cultures?
Different side of the tracks?
Different skin color?
Different accents?
Different sexual orientations?

The list of THEY is endless, isn’t it?

Does the list make you feel safe?
Does the list allow you to stereotype more easily?
Does the list allow you to be a better bully?

Can you ever be SURE that the beliefs you hold about all the groups of THEY are true?
If you cannot prove it, why continue to believe it?

Perhaps this week you can stick your toe into a shallow pool of a THEY group, perhaps you will find something quite surprising. Perhaps you will find someone who feels quite like you.
Someone who has fears like you.
Someone who loves and wants the best for their kids, much like you.
Someone who reads bedtime stories to their kids at night, like you.
Someone who has been betrayed by life, like you.
Someone who just wants to be understood, like you.

I hope you take a chance. I hope you are sweetly surprised.

Love and light,
Indrani

Change, Protect, Create…strategies for a respectful NO

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In his book The Power of a Positive NO, William Ury gives us these 3 strategies to help us form and deliver a NO that is supportive.

Ury tells us that we “cannot say a proper YES if we cannot say NO.”

When I first read that line, I had to really think about it.
This is what occurred to me…if I am NOT ALLOWED to say NO to you, then any request is really just an order from you.
If I have to obey my orders, why even put it in question form? Just say to me…
DO this!
DO that!

At least then I know what I am dealing with, dictators and tyrants.
It is my experience however, that few tyrants WANT to be seen as tyrants. They want to be seen as benevolent and caring. They really believe that all their demands and orders are for our own good. They may think of themselves as the parent and us as children and therefore need to be TOLD what to do and how to do it.

Here is an easy test. Think of someone in your life that you have not said NO to. They “ask” and you do, without any real choice in the matter.

Now flip the roles in your head. Are you allowed to tell them what to do and will they do it?

If, for instance, they say “This room is filthy, clean it up!” and you are expected to hop to it and clean it up, can you say the same, in the same voice? Will they hop to it and clean it up?

Please do not try this with an abuser!!!

William Ury says that we must:

1. Change what is not working… by learning to say NO
2. Protect what we hold dear to us…like not being a constant slave
3. Create the new way we want to live.

He informs us that by learning to say a Positive No, we will be able to make significant changes that support both our internal power and our external relationships.

I wish you list of energy to change, protect, and create the life you say you want.

Love and light
Indrani

Can you hear my heart beating?!!

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A few days ago, I did something that terrified me. I rode a bicycle in the heart of NYC.

I was going to be there for a short while and did not want to interrupt my training schedule for my MS 150. In order to do this, I had to summon the courage to ride a bike in New York City.

I was petrified. I knew that I was scared, but the level of fear did not really hit me until I was actually standing in the bike shop and was ready to wheel the bike out. I must have fiddled with my helmet for 15 minutes. The person helping me was so patient. I told him that I was scared and that I had never rode in traffic before.

He said that I had every right to be scared and that it should make me hyper-cautious. He told me to keep my head on a swivel and be ready to make defensive moves at a moment’s notice. He showed me the second set of brakes…which he called the “panic brakes.”

The name did not help to lessen my fear. In fact, it revved up my level of “?&#$, what am I doing?!”

I took a deep breath and I wheeled the bike onto the sidewalk. The pedestrians did not care that I was shelling a bike; they scurried around me as fast as they could and my first defensive test came as I had to ask someone to please let me thru.

I wheeled the bike to the street and waited for the traffic to slow down and I entered the road. The first few turns of the pedals felt like I had never ridden a bicycle. I was wobbly and shaky and the bike was riding me. I got off, stopped at the sidewalk and told myself that I am a good rider, I am a defensive rider and I know how to handle this bike.

When I mounted again, I had a different feeling and even though my heart was still beating hard and fast, it now felt like excitement and not doom. I kept my eyes on the road. I stayed present to everything that was going on. I followed all the traffic rules and I made it safely to where I needed to be.

The feeling was that of elation.
The feeling was familiar.
The last time I felt this alive was when I crossed a marathon finish line. I was energized. I was on a high.

I know that you have heard the saying, “do something scary every day.”
I see it all the time on the Lululemon bags that I have in my closet.
The problem was that I did not know how to find simple “scary” stuff to do.
I thought that it always had to be huge like learning a new language or training for a new event. I did not realize that doing something familiar could be the very definition of “scary.” A simple thing like riding a bike, but in an unfamiliar place, gave me the heebeegeebees….but I didn’t let it stop me, and for that I am proud!

At 58 years old, I rode a bike through the streets of NYC for the first time and I conquered my fear.

What scary thing will you do today?

Love & light,

Indrani

Chew on THAT!

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We’ve all been there…the conversation is flowing along nicely and BAM, someone takes offense to an opinion that you have but instead of asking for clarification, they SLAM you with an insult!

You know the feeling.
You suddenly feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, a bucket of ice cold water was just poured over your head or someone punched you in the gut!

You now have a choice. You can choose to slam back or you can choose to walk away.
I may have another option for you; I want you to CHEW ON THAT!
I want you to look them in the eye and say, “Well now let me see how that goes down, let me CHEW on your words for a while.”

Then I want you to conjure up a picture of an animal chewing and chewing and chewing on the hard blades of grass.
Pretend that the insult is a new kind of food that you are trying….hold the insult in your mouth, do NOT swallow!
Turn that insult around in your mouth.
If it had a taste, what would it taste like?
If it had a texture, what would it feel like?
If it had a temperature, would it be hot or cold?
Is it spicy, tasteless, salty or acidic?

Take your time, and then decide. If you do not like the way it will go down, SPIT it out.

How can you spit out someone else’s words?
You can simply say, without any anger, “Well now look here, I must decline to accept your most generous insult.”
Try doing it with a funny accent.
If you are a northerner, try a southern accent.
If you are a southerner, try a northern accent.

Why should you do this? It does seem quite ridiculous!
It actually IS quite ridiculous, but no more so than wasting good energy on stupid insults.
I hope you try it.

Let’s have some fun instead of always wanting to strike back.
Believe me when I say, striking back at the person who is quick with insults is a never-ending game. They get their glee from making you frazzled. They may deny it but sometimes it feels like they have an internal score board to settle and the more off track they can get you, the higher their score.

The only way out is to NOT PLAY THEIR game.
Do not play. Bench yourself.
If you sit out on the games that are detrimental to your emotional health, you will not lose anything.
You will gain some emotional strength. You will increase your emotional IQ.
How will it increase?
It will increase because you are not allowing the other person’s energy to derail you.

Give this technique a try, won’t you?

Love and light,
Indrani

Teachers, your words have tremendous power…

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I just heard an 18 year old on THE VOICE whose singing made me smile.

What he said about is 8th grade teacher, however, made me cringe and weep.

She told him he would never amount to anything!

Blake Shelton said “SCREW HER!” Adam Levine asked “What’s her name?” The classy young man decided not to reveal the teacher’s identity and said “I do not want to do that”.

I hope she knows that she has LET DOWN her entire profession.

Why do some adults act like the children that they are supposed to be helping? An 8th grader may act up, be mouthy and whatever else… that is a rite of passage. He/she at least has an excuse….THEY ARE CHILDREN!

What excuses do the adults give themselves when they show these kids what adults are NOT.

For everyone who reads this, you probably have a memory of a teacher who was less than supportive. Take this moment to send light to that person as you pat yourself on your own back for having the courage to not give up.

If you did give up because of what some idiot teacher said, send them healing light and clothe yourself in light. You are bright and brilliant and you deserve all the success you desire.

Love & light,

Indrani

How do you SEE yourself?

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There is so much research done on people’s self-perception.

Some people, who used to be overweight but have since lost weight, still see themselves as heavy. Some people, who were thin but have since gained weight, still see themselves as skinny. We sometimes see ourselves as better or worse than what we truly are.

We do not do this consciously…we do this at a deep sub-conscious level and we are often times unaware of what we think of ourselves.
I am barely over 5 feet and I am still stunned when I see my reflection in a shop window. I expect to look as tall as I feel.
Similarly I know very tall women who see themselves as short because they hate their height.
Our images have been influenced by all the voices we have ever heard telling us who we are.
We often forget that someone’s impression of who we are is just that…their impression.

It is not a fact. It is JUST their perception.
Can we be BRAVE enough to say, “That’s one opinion, I have many others to pick from”?
Can we be strong enough to NOT believe what others think of us?

“What you think of me is NONE of my business.”
I offer these words to you; take them as your own mantra. They will help you ground yourself when someone’s words are hurtful.

Love and light,

Indrani

Take your OWN pulse…

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Have you ever embarked on a training regimen where you were required to stop every so often to take your pulse?
Why do you think the trainer or teacher makes you do this?
Well…it’s a heart health thing, right?

There are ranges of the pulse that are healthy and ranges that are not. When your pulse is too high it can be unsafe to continue whatever you are doing and you must STOP and rest…maybe even sit down for a while until the pulse levels off.

I believe that we also have an energetic pulse. The energetic pulse takes its cue from our surroundings and how we feel about what is going on around us. If I walk into a room and everyone is silent, they may be mad at each other or they may be in silent meditation. One feels different from the other. One environment feels cold and charged and the other feels calm and peaceful. If you grew up within a religion that teaches “meditation is a way to let the devil in” then you may be afraid to be in that space even though it is peaceful. On the other hand, if you grew up with chaos and screaming and ‘The Silent Treatment’ was always being doled out, it may feel familiar and comfortable and you may not even care about the coldness in the room.

Each one of us brings our own interpretation to every event we encounter. Our interpretations have been informed by our past experiences, and they in turn, inform our assessments of the situation.

We must learn to take our energy pulse and ask ourselves what we are feeling, where we are feeling and how these feelings are playing a role in the situation.

Let me give you a simple example:
I walk into a room and someone is there. They are reading and they look up and nod their head.
I can interpret that many ways.
I can feel ignored that they did not say hi.
I can feel good that they nodded and recognized me.
I can be upset that they did not jump off the sofa and embrace me.
I can be grateful that they are giving me space to calm down after a long day.

All of the above are possibilities. How I decide what to feel is based on my past experience.
If I grew up with extroverts who were always hugging and chattering then the silence would seem odd to me and I might be upset. If I grew up with introverts, then I may feel quite comfortable and have no issue with it.

If we begin to take our own pulses and investigate what the energy means, we may be able to come to more peaceful interpretations of the circumstances we find ourselves in. We may just give ourselves a break and that could be really great for our hearts.

Love and light
Indrani

Remember your purpose….

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Sometimes, in the privacy of our own homes and the lonesome feelings of our own heads, we MAY be tempted to give up the fight, path, journey, struggle. A small voice might say…What’s the use? You are just spinning your wheels in mud….who do you really think you are?

Has this ever happened to you?

If so, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself these simple questions?

Why are you doing this thing that you are doing?
Who will suffer if you give up?
Can you help just ONE other person?

Take time to answer the questions.
I believe that you will find the strength to go on for one more day.
Many years ago, in the midst of my darkest days the LOVE for my children kept me holding on by my finger nails.
I am so glad my finger nails were strong! I bet yours are too!

A Thousand Words…What the movie taught me.

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I was recently on a flight and saw the movie A Thousand Words, it was funny and introspective at the same time.

I did not expect introspection from Eddie Murphy.

The premise of the movie (spoiler alert) is that Eddie Murphy’s character has 1000 words left and when he reached this quota, he will die.
There is an outer manifestation of this which is a tree in his back yard that loses a leaf with every word he speaks.
He loses three words (and three leaves) if he says “I love you.”
This becomes very problematic not only at work, but with his wife, to whom he cannot express his love because he does not want to die.
If he writes a word, the leaves also fall.

Ok, so it’s a movie and it all works out in the end!
BUT, what if it could be true?
Do you know how many words you have left?
This of course presupposes that you know how many years you have and you know how many words you will speak each day.
A daunting mathematical problem!

How many years do I have left?
I know not.
I have this moment.
What I choose to say in this moment can be uplifting or off putting.
It can be humorous or humorless.
It can be stated without judgment or it can be accusatory.
I can whisper or shout.
I have a plethora of choices.

How do I decide?
I have to KNOW who I am and how I want to show up in the world.

I have to know ME!
I have to be true to me.
I have to fight the lethargy that comes with everyday living and the urge to be “fed up” with knowing myself. I have to be ON.
That takes at first a conscious decision to be true to me, then it becomes like breathing.
It becomes a living testament to the William Shakespeare quote “to thine own self be true.”
I must live, To MY own self be true.

I recently had someone forward me a text that they received from another person.
This person just sent the text. They did not say what they wanted me to do with it.
I had to wonder, what should I do here? Should I ignore it, therefore ignore the person who sent it to me?
Should I comment?
I chose to comment, but with humor.
Why? Because I have chosen to try and find the lesson or the humor in my experiences.
How did the recipient take it? I do not know!
What did I accomplish?
Only being true to “MY OWN SELF.”

It’s a long and winding road, indeed.

Love & light,

Indrani