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Counteracting the internal predator…being supportive to self.

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70620889.Y2hPFqyeWe all have internal voices that regale us with how many things we do wrong.

This voice seems to take great pleasure in rendering us helpless in the face of challenge.

It happily reminds us about all the things we failed to finish. It shifts and disrupts the ground from under our feet with all the things we can’t do.

If we believe these internal onslaughts, we remain tightly wrapped and bound by our failures instead of being able to open up those failures and glean the lessons in each.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run with Wolves tells us we can “dismantle the assaults of the natural predator by taking to heart and working with what is truthful in what the predator says and discarding the rest.”

If my internal predator says “you are so wasteful, you have so much fabric and never finish any quilts”…I can calmly tell myself that I have made and finished more that 12 quilts and each child has at least two quilts handmade completely by me.

This example is quite tame. It can happen, however that my internal predator can tell me something like:

“Oh, so you think you are so special and want to end Gender Violence? Well missy….YOU have been yelling at people all your life. You even yelled at someone last week! Who are you to think you can do this?”

I will then have to have the presence of mind to remind myself that I am human and while I still do yell, I am trying to stay calm in situations and to treat others as I want to treat myself.

If I can do these exercises with my OWN internal predator, then I have a fighting chance to speak MY truth in the face of an external predator.  The person who wants to abuse me physically, emotionally or verbally is an example of an external predator, whereas, an internal predator is the negative voice that tries to bring me down.

The external predators can do serious damage to my psyche and if I do not develop the internal muscles against my internal predators then I have very little chance of standing up to external predators.

Estes tells us that we can “dismantle our predator by maintaining our intuitions and instincts and by resisting the predator’s seductions.”

How do you hone your instincts when the world is ready to tell you that what you feel is false and that your instincts are stupid?

The only answer is that YOU must believe in YOU!

You have to be courageous enough to know that you have deep understandings about life.

You can sit in prayer or mediation and recall times in your life when you did listen to your instincts and were happy because you did.

Like any skill, listening to your instincts is a muscle you must build up.

You must have patience, and practice on little things.

For example, if someone asks you to do something, instead of answering from your head, take a few minutes to notice the way your body is reacting to the request.

Do you feel happy and joyful, or heavy and dark when you think of the request?

Only you will be able to read the signs that your body give you.

Then, you have to be courageous enough to follow your natural instincts.

This may mean that you have to say NO to things you used to say YES to.

I know someone who recently told her boyfriend that she would no longer take part in orgy sex. She was very scared to do it and felt he would leave her if she refused. Whenever she had done it in the past, she felt dirty and less worthy but he always told her that she was the prettiest one in the room. She so badly wanted to hold on to him, she continued with behaviors that left her feeling empty and nauseous.

When she finally decided to stop the orgy sex, she delivered her decision and he promptly left her. He found someone who would do exactly what he told her to do.

It took her a while to recover but now she is happy that she found the courage to end that part of her life.

She had to get used to a new normal. A life without big lavish parties…but now she has her life and her body and self worth.

When you decide to counteract the internal predator it will mean that you must get used to a new normal.

Give yourself time to craft the new way.

Give yourself a pat on the back every time you kick the internal predator to the curb.
Love and light,
Indrani

Transactional or relational…what kind of relationship do you want?

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downloadA while ago, while listening to Barack Obama, I heard him describe a relationship (not with Michelle) as one that was solidly transactional and polite.

He knew and understood exactly what kind of relationship that was. The way I understood it was that when things were discussed he did not say things like ” that FEELS great, or that MAKES me HAPPY.”

Emotions were OUT of this equation and both parties understood that.

To put the transactional relationship out into the light, think Pretty Women. It started out as a transaction and then she wants a relationship. It took him a while but eventually the arrangement changed.

I have read that successful pimps prey on young women and start off with the lure of a relationship, then when the young girls think they have a real boyfriend…..the pimps beat them, rape them and turn the arrangement into the transaction it was always meant to be.

I have been thinking about marriage and have been wondering if perhaps the high rates of divorce might be due to the fact that we do not know the difference between transaction and relation based relationships.

A wife who complains that her husband is always at work, travels too much and is never available is complaining that the relationship is suffering. The man may be very confused as he is providing a house and cars and lifestyle and does not understand what she wants from him. He is seeing the transactional side of the arrangement.

How can people on two different sides move towards the center?

I think a good place to start is with shared filling in the blanks of “What’s missing here?”

If the wife says her piece and says that time with husband is missing and intimacy and friendship it is a start.

If the husband says nothing is missing and he is happy at work and just wants to be the provider, there is an insight into the size of the divide.

I knew of a couple who went on vacation once, and while he played golf everyday she drank and sat by the pool.

She did NOT want to spend more time with him and HE was happy with that arrangement. They saw each other the same amount of time while on vacation as they did at home.

The only difference is that they slept in a hotel room.

This transactional vacation worked for them, he bought the vacation package and she used it.

We don’t get to complain about the type of arrangement we have if we are not courageous enough to open it up and ask questions.
If you are in a relationship that feels like it needs to be changed, ask “What’s missing for me here?”

Journal about this question as many times as you need to. Look at your answers.

Make a list of the things that are missing.

Then begin to see what YOU can provide for yourself.

This may not be the answer you want, but when you can provide the elements of life you want for yourself than you can begin to fill in the other elements with your partner.

Love and light,
Indrani

Researcher or Drama Queen….

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dcbf965b004317b524a5cda135406191I was having a lovely discussion with a very dear friend the other night and I heard her say, “Am I just a drama queen?”

I listened to her words and I listened to her heart and I listened to all the words she and I have spoken over some 6 years.

I tried to look for Drama Queen, but I could not find it.

What I did hear was a woman who was so brilliant that she chooses to unwind her life, experience by experience, to look at it.

She turns over events so as to uncover the deeper truths and meanings behind the things she chooses to do and those things in which she chooses to not do.

Our conversation brought to mind a passage I had just read in Women Who Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

“Three things differentiate living from the soul versus living from the ego only. They are the ability to sense and learn new ways, the tenacity to ride a rough road and the patience to learn deep love over time. The ego, however, has a penchant and proclivity to avoid learning. Patience is not the ego’s strong suit.”

Yes, dear, dear friend, you are fully aligned with your souls’ purpose when you question and turn over and question yet again, the events and lessons that life has given to you.

You do me the honor of speaking aloud your truths, even as you dive for deeper more resounding tidbits.

I am honored to be the one whose ears are privy to such gifts from your soul.

The next time any of us get branded as a drama queen, ask yourself this….

Am I just complaining for the sake of complaining, to wrench some pity from an unsuspecting someone OR I am being a true scientist and researcher by turning over each bit of evidence, patiently waiting to see the truth underneath.

If you do indeed feel like a drama queen, just say it out loud and proud… I am a drama queen, hear ye, hear ye, all my subjects…. and watch people scatter like flies!

Or maybe you can choose to be an inquisitive scientist and look for evidence that your life is taking you exactly where you want to be taken.

You see, it is really just a choice…YOUR choice.
Love and light,
Indrani

Pepper Corns or Allspice? You just gotta smell them!

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2011-10-20-07Recently, a friend came over to my house for dinner and grabbed my pepper mill to find it empty.

She did me the favor of filling it for me.

She had opened the pantry, found a container of pepper corns and she filled it up.

Just then, I came into the room and saw that an empty container was on the counter and the mill was full. I looked at the empty container that was labeled “Allspice” and said, “Is there a reason you put allspice in the pepper mill?”

“What??” she said.

I took the mill, ground the corns that were in there and had her take a sniff.

“YUCK!” she said, “I do not want allspice on my steak.”

We laughed, opened the mill and removed the all spice.

There is a GREAT lesson here.

It is both powerful and simple and it can be captured in words from Sesame Street.

One of these things looks like the other, one of these things doesn’t belong.

Here, with the pepper corn and the allspice, they did look alike BUT they tasted and smelled VERY differently.

Let us use ALL of our senses when deciphering a problem. Let us ask for help and advice even if we are SURE that what we are doing is correct.

Let us open up to the possibility that some things look alike but are very different.

There is NO shame or embarrassment when we ask for help, and we can often save ourselves a lot of extra work.

In this case, the work was simple and we had a good laugh, but often when we misjudge we have quite a lot of unraveling to do.

Save some time, ask for clarification, then, take the first step.

It is a good life strategy.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

 

UNLEARN your obedience……

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What a man, he was living his life and teaching his daughter to follow her dreams.

He was thrust into the limelight because of the violence unleashed upon his child.

His voice is LOUD… Girls, UNLEARN your obedience!

Don’t miss this TED Talk by Ziauddin Yousafzai, father of Malala.

Love & light,

Indrani

The cost of higher education……

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A new study from Population and Development Review finds that educated Indian women face a heightened risk of Intimate Partner Violence.

According to a Population Council Journal Article, Abigail Weitzman, a graduate student at New York University, found that compared to women with less education than their husbands, women with more education face 1.4 times the risk of IPV, 1.54 times the risk of frequent violence, and 1.36 times the risk of severe violence. She found a similar pattern for women who were better employed than their spouse. And women who were the sole breadwinners in their family faced 2.44 times the risk of frequent violence and 1.51 times the risk of severe violence as unemployed women whose husbands were employed.

“In global development efforts, there is a large emphasis on women’s employment and education. My research suggests that there can be a backlash, including violence, toward women who attain greater education or earnings than their husbands,” says Weitzman.

This article is available free of charge for a limited time at http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1728-4457.2014.00650.x/pdf.

Education and employment for women is so important for cultures and nations to thrive….but the result of a backlash of increased domestic violence is not acceptable. What can YOU do to help move us to a world free of such violence?

Our free Live a Brighter Life Empowerment Program for Living is a great place to start.

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Setting boundaries and saying NO…..

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stand-up-for-yourselfThere is a reason why the first two sessions of the Live A Brighter Life Empowerment Program for Living teaches the importance and power behind setting boundaries and saying no.

Learning and implementing these two principles can and will change your life! And we are not the only ones who think so….check out this article from The Wall Street Journal to learns ways to say “No” more effectively.

If you would like to learn how to set boundaries and how to say “no”, please register for Live A Brighter Life to receive 6 session recordings…it’s absolutely free!

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

How One Philanthropist is Changing Lives…Part Two

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laxmi

In this article, I share the stories of three women that I met during my last visit to India. These are three of the bravest women that I’ve ever met….

 

When one of us is abused, we are all abused.

http://mombloggersforsocialgood.com/2014/03/14/how-one-philanthropist-is-changing-lives-for-indias-women-and-girls-part-ii/

 

Love & light,

Indrani

How One Philanthropist is Changing Lives…Part One

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women-in-indiaI am so honored to be shining a light on gender violence. Many thanks to the entire PSI Team and to Mom Bloggers for Social Good for featuring this article about our recent trip to India and helping to spread the light.

 

http://mombloggersforsocialgood.com/2014/03/13/how-one-philanthropist-is-changing-lives-for-indias-women-and-girls/

How one person is changing the lives of millions…..

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This is an amazing story and a great example of how one man, a school dropout, would stop at nothing to bring his idea of revolutionizing menstrual health for rural women in developing countries to fruition. An idea that would have a positive effect on women, their families, their health and their livelihood.

Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek. —Mario Andretti

Follow this link to read the article: http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-26260978

 

Love & light,

Team ILF