You can listen to the original teaching at the 24 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Before reading further, think of a current experience you are having RIGHT NOW where you are struggling with saying NO to someone. Got something in mind? Great! Keep reading…

William Ury tells us that the key to saying NO is to first get clear on what your “Yes” is.

To discover your “Yes” you need to identify what important value you believe in, that is being threatened by not saying NO. Once you are clear on this value you need to say “Yes” to protecting this value.

By saying “Yes” to what is truly important to you, you are creating a supportive structure to build your NO on.

Think of something you are struggling to say NO to. Now, write down the important value(s) you can use as a “Yes” to help support the NO you need to say in this situation.

You can listen to the original teaching at the 14 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

Examples make teachings concrete, so today, a quick (you are not being marked, so don’t panic):

Read the three scenarios below and identify whether it is an example of Accommodating, Attacking, or Avoiding.

1. Alice’s son ignores her request to clean up his dishes for the third time while watching TV. Alice begins yelling at her son and a fight begins.
2. Ann is afraid of her husband getting angry over the way she spends money on groceries, so Ann gives all of her money to her husband.
3. Martha’s sees her coworker Jill in the hallway, Jill wants to borrow $200 to cover rent this month, so Martha quickly ducks into the ladies room.

In which of these three scenarios is power, relationship, or both lost?

Now, think of a situation you have recently experienced in your own life where, instead of saying “No” you accommodated, attacked, or avoided. How was your power in that situation lost? How was the relationship with that person affected?

You can listen to the original teaching at the 14 minute mark of the Class 2 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

According to William Ury in “The Power of a Positive No” instead of saying “No” you are most likely doing one of the following:

Accommodating: instead of saying no you accommodate the other person’s request, and in doing so lose your power.

Attacking: instead of saying no you get upset and attack the other person, and in doing so lose relationship.

Avoid: instead of saying no, you avoid the entire situation, resulting in a loss of power and relationship.

Which of the three “A’s” is your biggest substitute for saying “No”?

Once you clearly identify your accommodate, attack, avoid tendencies you are better prepared to start saying “No”