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Your wounds birth your strengths…

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When animals get hurt, their wounds heal a little thicker and stronger.

Maybe that’s where the saying “thick-skinned” comes from.
This thickened flesh is called Proud Flesh.

Recently, I visited a shelter for women who had been burned by fire, and survived.

Their scars were visible and clear and it transformed them into people they did not recognize.
These transformations not only took place on the outside, with proud flesh, but also on the inside.
Some of them realized how precious their lives were.
They realized how much their children needed them, in ways they had not before the incident.
They found ways to fight through physical and emotional pain and to come out ahead.
One woman lifted up her arm to me and I thought she wanted to give me a high five. The therapist then told me she was showing me that she had regained control of her muscles and that meant she was a winner. I ran over and hugged her so tight, I may have squished her.
We were both giggling.

One of the stories stuck with me. One woman’s husband suspected her of infidelities that were all untrue. He wrapped his hands with a cloth soaked in gasoline, set them on fire and then he rushed and embraced his wife so they would both die. She managed to get away and her daughters are proud of her. She has healed and she is teaching her girls to be strong and fight back.

While at the shelter, the girls sang and danced for me and the mom, stood proudly on the side beaming with both her thickened skin and her thin skin that was not scorched. Her girls hugged her around her waist and one said to me “This is my mother.” The pride in them was palpable and the joy in her eyes could’ve lit up a whole city.

This woman has found a way to transcend her tragedy and focus instead on the love that still exists in her life.

When I think of my own life, I wonder at how I have overcome my hardships and am thrilled at the lessons I have gleaned from them.
One of my biggest gifts is Presence. The presence of mind to see, hear, taste and feel what is happening in the moment.

Recently, I had such an awakening. While steeped in the “tea” of the argument, I saw all the stuff around me. I noticed who was doing what, how they were responding, how I was responding and how I was processing the storm that was raging around me. I heard a soft voice say, “Save yourself” and I immediately stood up and left the toxic situation.

How could I hear that soft voice?

I could hear because I was listening. I was tuned into everything around me and NOT to defending myself.

There was no defense needed.

I was being accused.
I was put on trial.
I was convicted.

However, I remembered that I WAS NOT in a court of law. I was in my life. MY LIFE!
I choose to leave. I was already convicted, so what was the use of sticking around?

I offer the tool of Presence to you.

*******************

Try to stay in your own business.

How do you know if you are OUT of your business? The moment you ask, “Why is he/she acting/doing/behaving like…..”

These questions are a sure sign that you are trying to be in someone else’s head.
Devote your energy to questions like…

Why am I doing this?

Why do I want this? Or not want this.

What pattern can I see here that distresses me?

Do I really want to change that pattern?

Am I ready to suffer the emotional pain that I will feel when I attempt to change the entrenched patterns that are causing emotional turmoil?

***********************
Try to stay out of defense.

You know that you are defending yourself when your words just want to erupt. It feels like you cannot hold them back. Your mouth is controlling you, instead of you controlling your own mouth. You feel
that if you speak THIS ONE thing to THIS PERSON, then you will be vindicated.

Know this!

Both of you or a whole LOT of you are no longer in HEARING mode. Only mouths are working, and it is verbal diarrhea. You are puking and pooping all over each other AND you must leave the situation. If you
feel that you will be physically attacked if you try to leave, then you must call the authorities.

You are unsafe. You must get out.

Try to realize that NO AMOUNT of explaining can stop your accuser from
lambasting you.

*******************
Try to, as the soft voice said “Save yourself!”

How do you save yourself?
First, go to safety, a different room or house or city or country.
Only you can decide how far you must go to get away from the madness.

Then call a few trusted friends with whom you can weep and grieve.
Expect the pain to be severe and swift and expect to feel like you will die or at least drown.

It will also feel like you cannot breathe.
Yes, even breathing will take effort.
Your friends will remind you to breathe.

They will remind you about how wonderful you are.
You need SUPPORTIVE people.

Do not call people who will judge you or reprimand you.
Remember to treat yourself like a trusted friend.

Remember too, you must change to affect change.
Einstein said the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
You must DO something different to GET something different.

Allow yourself time for healing.
Stay connected to you; stay present by not building cases against the other person and stop going over old scenarios of past hurts.

That is a waste of good energy.
Go for a walk.
Meditate.
Pray.

Give these techniques a try and let me know how they work for you.
Love and light,
Indrani

A message in a bottle….

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dallas nagata white.2011.message in a bottle.ed via hapahaleTwenty years ago, my mode of communication to call up and down the coast of the Mexican Caribbean was a marine radio. There were no phones. I drove to people’s houses if I wanted to talk to them and we had conversations because we had not seen each other in days, weeks or sometimes months. I left notes on the door if no one was home. Once a month, I made a collect call to the good ol’ US of A to let my parents know I was still alive.

Three years later, I stood huddled around a CRT screen at a “caseta” (a room with public phones) watching the internet immerge and I remember how amazed I was at how the green characters on the screen almost suddenly appeared on another computer as an “email”. This new thing called the internet made electronic messaging, information and business all happen for me. I learned to write web pages to give information to people about this area I loved, the Riviera Maya. It started as a hand full of web pages and daily emails, driving to Tulum each day to connect to a blessed phone line.

At lightning speed, a few web pages turned into hundreds and I spent my days answering people’s questions and connecting with them. A world of communication that spanned the globe allowed all of us to touch one another.

Communication now is a status update on Facebook, 140 characters on twitter, text messages by phone, no need to hear a voice or be heard. We send out messages that many can see, but is anyone listening?

My profession is communications, yet I can sometimes feel alone in this connected world as perhaps others do. The geek in me loves the speed, ease and technology of communication. However, what I am trying to do now, when I do connect with someone (especially if it is face to face) is to be present and look at them in the eyes and smile from my heart.

I have used the electronic gadgets as my shield to protect myself from allowing people to get too close.

Yet ironically, I want nothing more than to be able to be authentic, open and truly be me around others.

My question to you….are the messages that you’re sending just part of the millions of other messages floating around in an electronic sea in hopes of making a connection with someone?

Hello friend, I honor your internal war….

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woman-meditating via meditationindarlington.orgEmerson,
“Whenever you meet anyone, remember they are going through a great war”.

If we could only keep this statement in mind when we rush to judge people.

We interact, draw conclusions and we act as if those conclusions were actual fact.
We create arguments around the made up facts.
We play judge and jury based on these fictional arguments.
We, unfortunately, even forget that we have our own internal war.
What could happen if we stepped out of concluding about others behaviors and stepped into the humanity that surrounds us all?
What could happen if we thought the best of people instead of the worst?
What could happen if….
The “what could happen” list is endless.

Here is the best what could happen question….

What could happen if you decided to be the best YOU and leave everything else on the table?

What a sweet world that would be.
Do we dare IMAGINE?

John Lennon had it right alright, “IMAGINE”!
Please, let’s imagine.

 

Love and light,
Indrani

Cleaning MY side of the street…

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Cleaning MY side of the street..

I have been given an amazing opportunity to clean up some “stuff”.
Relational “stuff”… the kind that is easier to let fester and rot and stay away from. The kind that is easy to not think about…the kind that makes it easy to keep myself busy with other “stuff”.
I am one lucky woman!

In speaking to a mentor about how to clean up my side of the street and how to find the mess that I contributed…I began to see how it is easy to avoid personal responsibility for the “stuff” of life. My mentor allowed me to speak at length about the whole dang thing and then he asked simple questions?

How was that your business?
When did you begin to move in fear?
Did you know that as soon as fear appears, trust and love disappears?

WOW…I intellectually knew all of this, of course, but to suspend judgment of self and others and to bear witness to my process was
fascinating. I could “see” myself doing the dance, saying the words, feeling the emotions. I saw it all, EXCEPT the fear.
The fear crept in, got comfy and seduced me with “I know what’s best here, leave it up to me.” I listened, I allowed fear to speak AND I was not aware of it.

It all boils down to this…I was not aware that I was in the state of vulnerability.

I was scared and vulnerable and confused and yes, afraid.

One of the biggest gifts we can give to ourselves is to have a partner to converse with….to help us keep things in check. Playing the same tape in our own heads just means that the record is stuck and making a deeper RUT. The neuro-pathway is getting more deeply etched and we can never get any more clarity without bringing some fresh, qualified thoughts to the situation.

If you have a relationship that is in jeopardy, then you have to clean up YOUR side of the street.
Their side of the street is their business.
Put on your overalls and your work boots and maybe even some gloves (not boxing gloves) because you may get dirtier before you get any cleaner.

This is not recommended if you expect to be fault free.

Happy cleaning!

Love and light,

Indrani

Let there be light!

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Let there be light!

I love sunshine! I love how the light plays on the leaves of the trees in my garden, how the sun’s rays play on the water in my pool and how the drops of dew look like diamonds when the morning light kisses them.

Can there be too much light?

I never thought that there could be until I went to Norway and Sweden.
The sun is awake almost 23 hours a day. The only way I knew I was tired was to check my watch and I would hear myself say, “dang, it’s 2:30am!” Then I would pull the black-out blinds and try to sleep. It made me wonder about biorhythms and such.

I came back home to Texas and embraced the night with the delight that a new born has when they see their toes for the very first time. I went to the window and was happy that I could see nothing. The world seemed to be at rest.
My world was at rest.

The abundance of light in Norway and the presence of dark in Texas made me acutely aware of opposites and how much we need them.
We need sour to know sweet.
We need noxious to smell pleasant.
We need rough to appreciate soft.

If we apply these opposites in our daily lives, we see that we need those challenging people for us to appreciate all the rest.
What we need not do, is allow the challenging people to define us.
We must define ourselves, we must know who we are and we must be true to that image of ourselves. We can use the opposite of who we are to appreciate all of our great qualities.
Consequently, we can explore the darker sides of ourselves and try to infuse some light to achieve more balance.

As a Quilter, I use ugly fabric to highlight the beautiful fabrics in a piece that I am creating.
We can use the ugly or dark in life to teach us how to appreciate the beauty or light.

So let there be light…and dark, and let us enjoy the sweet balance.

Love & light,

Indrani

Chew on THAT!

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We’ve all been there…the conversation is flowing along nicely and BAM, someone takes offense to an opinion that you have but instead of asking for clarification, they SLAM you with an insult!

You know the feeling.
You suddenly feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, a bucket of ice cold water was just poured over your head or someone punched you in the gut!

You now have a choice. You can choose to slam back or you can choose to walk away.
I may have another option for you; I want you to CHEW ON THAT!
I want you to look them in the eye and say, “Well now let me see how that goes down, let me CHEW on your words for a while.”

Then I want you to conjure up a picture of an animal chewing and chewing and chewing on the hard blades of grass.
Pretend that the insult is a new kind of food that you are trying….hold the insult in your mouth, do NOT swallow!
Turn that insult around in your mouth.
If it had a taste, what would it taste like?
If it had a texture, what would it feel like?
If it had a temperature, would it be hot or cold?
Is it spicy, tasteless, salty or acidic?

Take your time, and then decide. If you do not like the way it will go down, SPIT it out.

How can you spit out someone else’s words?
You can simply say, without any anger, “Well now look here, I must decline to accept your most generous insult.”
Try doing it with a funny accent.
If you are a northerner, try a southern accent.
If you are a southerner, try a northern accent.

Why should you do this? It does seem quite ridiculous!
It actually IS quite ridiculous, but no more so than wasting good energy on stupid insults.
I hope you try it.

Let’s have some fun instead of always wanting to strike back.
Believe me when I say, striking back at the person who is quick with insults is a never-ending game. They get their glee from making you frazzled. They may deny it but sometimes it feels like they have an internal score board to settle and the more off track they can get you, the higher their score.

The only way out is to NOT PLAY THEIR game.
Do not play. Bench yourself.
If you sit out on the games that are detrimental to your emotional health, you will not lose anything.
You will gain some emotional strength. You will increase your emotional IQ.
How will it increase?
It will increase because you are not allowing the other person’s energy to derail you.

Give this technique a try, won’t you?

Love and light,
Indrani

Waiting for a miracle….

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Waiting for a miracle…

The definition of a miracle is a surprising and welcomed event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is considered to be divine; a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment .

I think that miracles happen every day. I know there was a time that I thought miracles only happened to “worthy” people like Joan of Arc.

I was wrong.
We are born worthy. We remain worthy. We are worthy at this very moment.
If we are indeed worthy, then why are miracles not showing up?
Do you know what kind of miracle you want?

How will you recognize it when it shows up?
This morning, I pulled a lateral muscle while packing my suitcase. I recognized the twinge and asked for the miracle that the pain be manageable for my flight. I have not felt the pain for about 75 minutes.
I asked for that miracle. I recognized it.
I believe the first step in manifesting the miracles we want is to KNOW what we want.
To KNOW with clarity and certainty is the only way to move ahead.
Begin the “knowing.”

Love and light,

Indrani

 

Sick to my stomach…

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Last night I sacrificed something I really wanted to do that was good for me, so I could go and have dinner with an angry, frustrated person.
I wanted to make him less angry by doing what he wanted to do.

At first I had said no, but he walked off with anger seeping from him as he was going to take his motorcycle in the rain during a storm.

So I went to dinner him (we had no electricity due to storms so dining in was not much of an option).
Dinner was tense but tolerable.
I ate too much and I tried to order something healthy but found myself just munching away to pass the uncomfortable time.

After dinner I was filled with self-loathing…for having caved into the compulsion to make someone happy and for falling into the same steps.
My body felt gross.
So to rebel towards how I had been manipulated I made myself vomit…so I would feel better physically.
I felt in control.

And then I ate some ice cream.

How messed up is that?!

Kay Walten

What is your heart feeling?

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What are my eyes seeing?
What are my ears hearing?
What is my body feeling?

Whenever I find myself in a precarious position, whether within the family or in a business meeting, I try to answer the aforementioned questions.

It is not often that I have tons of time to really dive deep, but the simplicity of the questions allows the answers to float up into my mind.

Let’s create a scenario.

I have been asked to do something and I have done it to the best of my ability. I did it willingly and with an open heart. The event is over and I am sitting to rest and recover.

Someone walks into the room and says, “Yesterday went really well, but…”

Whoa!!
I was not expecting the BUT.

In this example, I can ask:

What are my eyes seeing?
My eyes are seeing a loved one standing in front of me with a cup of coffee.

What are my ears hearing?
My ears just heard BUT.
What else did my ears hear?
My ears heard that yesterday went well.

What is my body feeling?
My body is feeling heavy.
Why is my body feeling heavy?
My body feels heavy because I am expecting an insult, criticism or a “you should’ve done this.”

Ok…so there is it…I have created my own stress!
What do I do now?
If I really think that the event went well I can say, “YES, it was awesome” with such confidence that maybe the BUT will fall away!
Or maybe the BUT will still be offered, but it will not be about you.
It may be about them.
You can even say,
“I am not ready for any buts at the moment, so let’s save it for later.”

It really is up to each of us to do our best, stay out of thought clusters that mess with our hearts and to be compassionate to ourselves.

It is NOT in anyone’s interest to be as kind to me as I can be to myself.

So, what is your heart feeling when you show love and kindness to yourself?

Love & light,

Indrani

Live your life….

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“Live your life”….spoken by Maurice Sendak last September during a Radio interview. Great words of wisdom from an incredible author and artist who brought us Where the Wild Things Are (an essential ingredient in most of our childhoods) as well as many other beautifully written and illustrated children’s books. Maurice died today at the age of 83… but the Wild Things will forever live on.

Celebrate your Wild Thing today for us all to see and applaud.