Category Archives: women

Caregivers, BE the change!

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women, , , ,

Written by  Amy Dier – Director of Education & Training | Indrani’s Light Foundation

BE the changeIndrani recently wrote a blog about the phrase that many of us use too often ….. “Same ol’ same ol’, nothing ever changes!” When I was in law enforcement for 20 years, this was a very common statement I heard over and over again. I worked with many government agency employees, and many were my friends. They, too, used this phrase to describe their discord, and lack of enthusiasm around their jobs.

Now that I’m the Director of Education and Training for Indrani’s Light Foundation, I have been given an opportunity to lead our Caregiver Project, where we reach out and train the staff, volunteers, and administrators of women’s shelters and organizations.  These are the “Caregivers” who work with the women and children who are in need of shelter, counseling, medical and psychological help.  Many of these caregivers are burning out, and quitting their jobs at the shelters because of the every day stress of working in this kind of environment.  Not only is it emotionally hard to work with the women and children, it can also be stressful to work at a shelter with internal personnel issues, which is commonplace.

When I reach out to the shelter caregivers and ask them their biggest source of stress, they tell me when changes are made to improve their work environment, it only lasts for a little while, and then everything goes back to the “same ol’ same ol’.”  There are feelings of abandonment, or lack of trust.  There are shelter administrators who are under an incredible amount of stress to keep their shelter open based on funding, and not be able to pay their staff what they really deserve.

So Indrani wants our training and follow up calls to the caregivers to include a way to challenge the staff to change the language of “same ol’ same ol’.

So here is what Indrani wants the caregivers to do:

“If you are in a work environment and you feel and think that nothing ever changes, I challenge you to live with your values and have the courage to be the one to change in any given situation.  The next time you hear someone say, “Same ol’ same ol’, do the opposite of roll your eyes. Be curious and say, “What do you mean?” Try to engage the negative person to see if you can change the energy in the situation.  Do not succumb to the negative, step away when you feel like you are losing your own positivity.  You take control of YOU, and take YOU out of the negative equation.  Give it s try and see if same old same old can become same situation different me!”  Click here to read the full blog

If you are a caregiver, or a leader of caregivers, or work in an environment where it seems as though nothing ever changes, we challenge you to be brave, step up your game, and take control of YOU!  Step away from the negative and BE the change.

If this blog resonates with you, please comment below.  We’d love to know if this has encouraged you to make a difference at your workplace, and BE the change.  If you’d like to know more about our Caregiver Project, click HERE.

Facebook

Twitter

 

“Same ol’ same ol’, nothing ever changes!”

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, women, , ,

same olHave you ever said these words?  Have you ever heard these words said to you?  I am willing to bet that you can answer “yes” to at least one of the above questions.

Now, think back for a moment to one of the times when you thought, “Nothing ever changes.” Was it a happy moment? Was it a moment of uplift and hope?  Or was it a moment of sadness and despair?  Was it a moment when things were going wrong and you felt the feeling of hopelessness, and nothing would ever change?  Then the moment or event passed and something changed.

Maybe the experience came back, or maybe it is a recurring event in your life as in an illness, or the illness of someone else. Maybe it’s a break up or a devastating divorce.  I say “devastating divorce” because some divorces are not devastating, and it’s actually the best thing the couple ever did.  I know of some of those!

The thing I want to point out is this there is NO moment in time when the phrase “Nothing ever changes” is accurate.  It is NEVER a fact that “nothing ever changes.”  I don’t like to use the word “never,” and in this instance the word is accurate.

Things are always changing.
Things are always in flux.

Let’s bring the thought that “nothing ever changes,” down to the lowest common denominator.  The thing that this feeling has in common every single time, is US.  It is the “ME” that is always present in every situation where I can exclaim that nothing ever changes ….. that it’s the “same ol’ same ol’.”

When I have moments like these (and I do), every single day, I try to ask myself a few questions.  I ask myself if “I” have changed.  I ask myself to look around and see at least one thing that has changed with the experience around me.  Perhaps I can see that the venue has changed, or my clothing has changed, or that there are different players in the scenario.

Now, here is the tricky part, if the players have changed and IF I am still irritated and feel like nothing ever changes, COULD the problem be ME?  Now you ask, “Hold on a minute Indrani, you want us to blame ourselves when crap happens? Is it not enough that “crap” just seems to follow us around?”

No, I am not trying to lay blame.  I am asking you to investigate the situation to see if YOUR reactions and/or behaviors have anything to do with the recurring outcome of the experience.

Let’s take a simple example:
Let’s say I am driving, it’s a lovely day and I left the house being very happy.  Suddenly, someone cuts in front of me and I start screaming at them. (Mind you, they can’t hear me because they are not in my car).  In my car, however, are my young children.  I’m taking them to school, and they were happy, too.  But now they are scared and hate it when I scream, and on top of it I am cursing!  I drop them off at school and I am still fuming at the “horrible driver,” and I forget to kiss the kids goodbye.  At the end of the day, I pick up the kids and the teacher is waiting for me.  The oldest has detention because someone cut in front of him in the lunch line and he cursed at the kid.

See the connection here?

Now, I ask the kid, “Why are you always in trouble? Why is it always the same ol’ same ol’?”
I have to accept responsibility for what I did in the car, and accept that it set the kid off on a bad morning. So, if I always scream and curse at bad drivers, then I have a responsibility to change my behaviors and model behavior change for my child. I have to be present to my part in the whole outcome of the day.

Author, Amy Cuddy, defines “Presence” as, “The state of being attuned to and able to comfortably express true thoughts, feelings, values and potential.”  In her book, “Presence,” she tells us in easily understood language that being present in any situation allows us to be empowered within the situation. I may not be able to affect my desired outcome, but I will be able to think and act in accordance with my values.  She tells us “it is NOT a permanent transcendent mode of being.  It comes and goes.  It is a moment to moment phenomenon.”

In the above instance with the cursing in the car, if I am HONEST with myself (honesty is one of my values), then I will tell the teacher that I lost my cool in the car and was cursing that morning, and I think I set my kid up on the wrong foot.  If I am not honest, I tell the teacher that I do not know where the kid learns these words and it’s the father’s fault. Even though I have honesty as a strong value, I can still choose to lie and not live by my value system.

If you want to know your top 5 values, go to www.viasurvey.org and do a short survey and get your top values for free.  Knowing them is one thing, but trying to live by them is quite another.  Living intentionally and with our values is the foundation of our daily, even moment by moment practice.  It requires us to be honest with ourselves when we mess up and requires us to have the courage to step back onto the values path the very next moment.

If you are in a work environment and you feel and think that nothing ever changes, I challenge you to live with your values and have the courage to be the one to change in any given situation.  The next time you hear someone say, “Same ol’ same ol’, do the opposite of rolling your eyes.  Be curious and say, “What do you mean?” Try to engage the negative person to see if you can change the energy in the situation.  Do not succumb to the negative, step away when you feel like you are losing your own positivity.

You take control of YOU, and take YOU out of the negative equation.  Give it a try and see if same ol’ same ol’ can become “same situation, different me!”

Love and light,

Indrani

(P.S.  The referenced book by author, Amy Cuddy, is called, Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges)

Corporal Punishment and the Moral High Ground that it Implies

Blog, Domestic Violence, women, ,

Screenshot 2016-04-18 10.42.59There is a viral video going around the last few days (April 15, 2016) about a 5-year-old in Jasper County, Georgia being paddled by the principle who says very confidently, “I’m gonna do it ONE time unless you wiggle around.”  WATCH THE STORY HERE

————
In other words, stand like a man and take your beatings. I am not going to talk about the mom, just about the rule that makes beatings legal. I am reminded of an instance about 23 years ago when one of my kids was little and I went to pick them up at school. The teacher met me at the door with a “parenting” book that extolled the virtues of beating with excerpts from the bible. I wished I had kept it. I threw it away. I understood that my child had acted up and the teacher wanted me to beat my child at home.

See my TEDxTalk  on what I think of beating children:

I went to the school and asked them to see their “rules” on beating children. They proudly produced the pages that explained their corporal punishment guidelines and, of course, with the parents’ permission. It was assumed that if I brought my child to this school, I would give cart blanch to all their rules.

They had another thing coming.

I looked each one in the eye and made sure they understood that I DO NOT give permission for ANYONE to lay a FINGER on my child. I told them I would not hesitate to sue them. I promptly found another school.

Many parents do not have the resources to change school, or even the parenting skills to help their child, or even the confidence to stand up to “authority.” My heart breaks for the children being schooled under archaic laws, and the parents trying their best without real parenting tools. There are many free resources these days and I hope that people try to find answers in this world of Internet resources.

Help yourself to help your child.

Love and light,

Indrani

(P.S.  I would love to hear your thoughts or stories about this issue of spanking in our schools.  What say you?)

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/indranislight/

Twitter:  https://twitter.com/Indranis_Light

Instagram:  liveabrighterlife

Tornadoes and Energy Surges

Blog, Domestic Violence, women, , , , ,

“Do you have someone to helpyou with tornadoes and energy surges_ ”Recently I had an experience that made me lose my ground. It shut down ALL my chakras.

I felt the air sucked out of me. I felt like I had NO physical self. I was but a swirl of energy. Someone asked, “What are you thinking?” I said, “I am only feeling.” They did not know what else to ask. I felt like the wet towel on the floor. This feeling used to be very familiar. I worked hard to learn new behaviors, and worked harder to cement those behaviors.

Here is what I wished someone had said …. “Indrani, can you hear me? Shake your head if you can.” (I had no language. I only had preverbal behaviors like crying and flailing). I would have shook my head.

Then I wished they would have said … “Can you feel your toes, feet, legs, hips, belly, chest, arms, head?” In other words, I wished they had done the body scan on me since my brain was off line, and I could not have thought of this tool myself.

Then I wished they had said …. “Indrani, breathe with me. Look at me. Hold my hands.” I wished they had grounded me. But they did not. They did not know how.

So I collapsed in a heap on the floor.
My spine crumbled life a crushed egg.
I could not hold my weight.

BOOM

The sonic boom I was not expecting, happened. The energy demolished me. It took me many days to recover from the daze.

Now I know. Now I understand that old behaviors that were not useful then are still not useful now.

Now I know. I will hold on to this knowledge.

Do you have someone to help you with energy surges? I hope you do. It will save your life.

Love and light,
Indrani

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/indranislight/

Twitter:  https://twitter.com/Indranis_Light

Instagram:  liveabrighterlife

Rum Raisin Ice Cream is My Comfort Food

Blog, Domestic Violence, life, Uncategorized, women, , , ,

Rum-Raisin-Ice-Cream-Recipe-ImageI do not recall exactly when I discovered Rum Raisin Ice Cream. I think it was when I was living in New Jersey as a new bride and my husband brought it home from the store. I believe he said, “Taste this,” and he fed me a spoon of this nectar and I must have screamed and yelped, because he looked scared! (My brand of extroversion tends to be loud. I am often over the top in my enthusiasm and I tend to scare people).

So all these years of “sweet married life” later, my hubby will bring me rum raisin ice cream and I still squeal! Often times if we happen upon an ice cream store, he will ask for it on my behalf, while I am reading the favors on the wall.

I LOVE rum raisin ice cream. I also love RUM CAKE! I grew up on rum cake in Trinidad and whenever I think of the glorious cakes my mom used to make, I smile. My brother makes a great rum cake and this is what he gives me for Christmas every year.

Imagine MY absolute delight when I walked into “Neuhaus Company” the other day and saw that they had RUM CAKE ICE CREAM! (Yep! I squealed, in the store, on Madison Avenue, in Manhattan!). My extroversion is always ready to show its enthusiasm.

I was thinking… “Maybe it has raisins it in also!” So I asked for a taste. The sweet young man took a plastic spoon, smiled at me, reached into the appropriate bin and scooped out a HUGE taste. He ceremoniously reached over the tall counter and gave me the spoon. My eyes never left the bulging scoop of ice team balancing precariously on the edge of the tiny spoon. I carefully took it from his fingers and put it in my mouth as I closed my eyes….

And I ran to the trash and spat it out!
It was awful.
I did not like Rum Cake Ice cream at all!
I did not like it on a spoon. I would not like it on the moon.
I cannot tell you how much I disliked that ice cream.
I thanked the young man and bought some chocolates, which I loved, and ate one to get the taste of the rum Cake ice cream out of my mouth. Then as I walked down Madison into the cold and blustery day, I knew I had the makings of a blog post.

So here goes …..

Let us suppose that you meet a great looking guy and he is everything you wished for, and he seems to feel the same way about you. He made you feel safe, secure, protected, loved and cherished. You were all warm and fuzzy inside as you pondered a life with this man.

Then one day, as you two are having a lovely day, out of the clear BLUE …. He hits you, or verbally berates you, and you are stunned!

You look at him and he seems the same, his features are the same, his voice sounds the same but the flavor of human coming out of his mouth is horrible, distasteful and nasty, and you need to escape.

Let’s say you DO leave. You were strong enough to leave. A few days pass and he calls to apologize and gives some very sound reason for his nasty behavior, and you go back to him.

That is like me going back to the trash and picking up that nasty rum cake ice cream and eating it because I have told myself that I like rum cake, AND I love rum raisin ice cream ….. So I SHOULD love RUM CAKE ice cream. I force myself to swallow that distasteful ice cream because of some strange reasoning that I make up in my head.

Let me be clear. I know that a person is more important than ice cream. I also know that YOU are too special and lovely to accept nasty behaviors from ANY person. If you were abused as a child and you think that love looks like abuse, think again.

WATCH my TEDxTalk here:

As an adult you have the power to set boundaries that you could not set as a child.
Set your boundaries. They will protect you. When you have clear and clean boundaries, you will know in a flash what is and is not good for you. Try it.

Love and light.

Indrani

(P.S.  Did you like my TEDxTalk?  Please share it with your friends and family.  Let’s start spreading the word to live in peace within our four walls at home.   http://bit.ly/1SMK1NZ)

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/indranislight/

Twitter:  https://twitter.com/Indranis_Light

Instagram:  liveabrighterlife

 

Playing Coy is SO Outdated

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, Uncategorized, women, , ,

UndecidedRecently, I was attending a meeting with some pretty influential folks.  I was only a guest and I was so happy to be included.

During the course of the meeting as the participants went around the table offering solutions to the issues at hand, I noticed there was one woman who absolutely refused to answer questions directly.  She giggled and acted coy (dipping her chin and batting her eyes), and would not give a straight answer to some very simple questions.

The questions were as simple as, “Do you want lunch?” She would dip her head and make a surprise face as if to say, “Who me, want lunch?…. giggle, giggle!” And, still would not say “Yes” or “No.” The person asking the questions was getting quite frustrated with the way it was going.

This behavior really bothered me and I had to think long and hard about why I was so bothered.

Everyone has their own way of decision-making. Some people need lots of thinking time while others can jump right in. This was not a meeting that required thinking time. It really was a quick get together of many partners to decide how an event would go.  It really was a series of yes and no questions that needed to be asked and answered so that people could know what to expect and how to prepare.

I decided I was frustrated because the woman who was being indecisive was holding up all the rest of us. Everyone was staring at her for ONE simple answer.

The more people stared, the more coy she became.

She did not stand in her power. She acted like she had no power, or even like she never heard of the word power. She had no agency. She wanted others to read her mind, or infer from her behaviors what her response would be.

It was really frustrating.

The next time you are involved with a group trying to decide something, ask yourself if you are standing in your power.

Are you bringing all the parts of yourself to the meeting?

Are you there to make it easy for your other team members or to complicate things? Are you holding back information that is crucial to the team for one reason or another?
This meeting is still fresh in my mind and I can still feel the frustration. It was just ONE person acting like this who was holding up the whole show.

Don’t be “that” person.

Be the person who wants to be part of an effective team. Life is so much better with people who show up to make things easier and smoother. We have enough obstacles in our lives that we cannot control, so let us control the way we behave, and show up to participate in helpful ways.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

I am an activist to end violence against women: Part 2

Blog, Domestic Violence, Uncategorized, women, , , , ,

In Part I of this blog series, I left off with how Indrani Goradia, and the work of Brené Brown changed my life and launched me into the world as an activist. Who knew I could be an activist? Did I really know what it meant to be an “activist.” So first, let’s define the word, “activist.”

“Activist”

An activist is a person who campaigns for some kind of social change. When you participate in a march protesting the closing of a neighborhood library, you’re an activist. Someone who’s actively involved in a protest or a political or social cause can be called an activist.

I don’t know about you, but this is a strong word for me that holds a lot of power and responsibility in the world. I was scared and felt vulnerable to even admit that this word was calling me. Who am I to be an activist? What can I offer the world that can help hundreds, thousands, or even millions of women around the globe. Or, who am I, to help just ONE woman? Well, here are the answers to my questions…. I am worthy, I am loved, and I matter.

Do something for me right now. It’s a very quick exercise. Say out loud, “I am worthy, I am loved, and I matter.”

What feeling, or feelings came up for you when you said those words? I can share with you that I was barely able to get those words out of my mouth, and I definitely felt uncomfortable, and incapable of loving myself. I asked myself, “Where in the hell did this come from?” I love people, I love to serve, I love to take care of others, so why didn’t I give a damn about myself?

amy indraniThis is where Indrani Goradia entered my life in September of 2013. I was at Andrea J. Lee’s, Wealthy Thought Leader Conference in Baltimore, MD ….. and Indrani appeared on the big screen with a personal video message for all of us who were seeking to help end gender based violence. Now, due to my training and experience as a police officer, it was difficult to get me physically or emotionally excited about things. I was good at keeping my feelings hidden, and I certainly didn’t cry unless I absolutely had to. But when I saw Indrani’s face, heard the passion in her voice, and listened to the “call to action,” my heart started to beat rapidly …. I had that fluttering feeling in my chest, and my hands started to sweat. I tried to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes, but they began to stream down my cheeks. It was then I knew Indrani’s Light Foundation was in my future … I just didn’t know when, or how.

10272679_10152456770534048_8792785988925842137_oFast forwarding to 2014, I decided to listen to my inner warrior and become involved with ILF. I signed up and participated in the Live-A-Brighter-Life teleconference class that spring. I was so impacted by the curriculum that I was the first person to sign up for the 2014 Train-the-Trainer Course in Austin, TX.   I became a certified ILF Trainer, and started teaching the workshops to my own community in Portland, OR.

In the Live-A-Brighter-Life curriculum, Indrani includes the work of Dr. Brené Brown. This is where everything shifted for me around my guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment with being a rape survivor, a victim of discrimination, and my bankruptcy. THERE it was all along! “SHAME.” I realized before I could be an activist to end violence against women in the world, I had to practice the four elements of shame resilience that Indrani teaches in her Live-A-Brighter-Life workshop. Brené Brown tells us we need to:

  • Recognize our shame and understand its triggers
  • Practice critical awareness
  • Reach out and connect with people, and own your story
  • And speak about your shame, while asking people what you need from them

Are you asking yourself how YOU can start practicing these things, and begin the journey of healing? Well maybe the “Readers Digest” version of my life story can help you put a plan together and start your work as an activist for women.

Part 3 of this guest blog series is on its way. Meanwhile, I’d love to hear from you and the feelings that came up for you while you were reading this blog. There is no shame or judgment here. You can begin your journey of healing right now.

 

With deepest gratitude,

 

Amy Dier
Director of Education & Training

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year 2016! A Special Video Message from Indrani

Blog, Domestic Violence, Podcast, Uncategorized, videos, women, , , ,

Happy New Year Everyone!  2016 is upon us, and it’s time to move forward with new ideas, new resolutions, and hope of a great year.  But don’t forget to reflect on the best of 2015, and how you will use the lessons of 2015 to manifest a year of unimaginable dreams!

Indrani has a special New Year’s video message for you.  It’s only a couple of minutes long, so take a look, and know that Indrani’s Light Foundation is ramping up the fight to END domestic violence in 2016!

Take the “My 4 Walls” Pledge here

Don’t forget to share this message with your friends and family on our Facebook page, and on Twitter @Indranis_light

#My4WallsPledge

Much love and light,

Team ILF

Indrani’s “Orange the World” Video Message: Day 16

Blog, Domestic Violence, Podcast, Uncategorized, videos, women, , , ,

Here is Indrani’s “Day 16” personal “call to action” video message to you, as we continue to support the UN Women’s “Orange the World” campaign to end violence against women and girls.

This is Indrani’s final “Orange the World” video message with Day 16 of activism upon us.  But we must continue gender activism.  What is “gender activism” you ask? Indrani defines it here …. take a look!

Please share this video on social media!

Let’s END violence against women and girls together!

“ORANGE THE WORLD”

Follow us on Twitter @indranis_light #orangetheworld #16days

Indrani’s “Orange the World” Video Message: Day 15

Blog, Domestic Violence, Podcast, Uncategorized, videos, women, , , ,

Here is Indrani’s “Day 15” personal “call to action” video message to you, as we continue to support the UN Women’s “Orange the World” campaign to end violence against women and girls.

Indrani wants to remind us that we may be “small rocks” in the world …. but we can get together and make a rock wall to hold up the world, and end violence against women and girls!  Take a look!

Please share this video on social media!

Let’s END violence against women and girls together!

“ORANGE THE WORLD”

Follow us on Twitter @indranis_light #orangetheworld #16days