Brighter Life Bit #6: Which of the four boundary types do you have?

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ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at 61 minutes and 00 seconds of the Class 1 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here.

What types of personal boundaries are there? Nina Brown identifies four types of boundaries:

Soft: when your boundary merges with other people’s boundaries and is not clearly defined by YOU.

Rigid: when your boundary is unwavering, closed or walled off so no one can get close physically or emotionally.

Spongey: a combo of soft and rigid. You are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out. Your boundary changes in different situations.

Flexible: You have control over what to let in and what to keep out. Your boundary takes care of you and keeps you safe, but you can alter the boundary consciously if you feel the situation is right.

With these boundaries in mind ask yourself: Where are you with each of your boundaries? Soft, rigid, spongey, or flexible?

As you answer this question do not say “I should know better”, instead say “I did such a good job there with my ______ boundary, I wonder if the next time I meet this person what would using a flexible boundary look like”

By reflecting on your soft, rigid, and spongey boundaries you can begin the loving process of shifting them toward healthier flexible boundaries, always remembering to be compassionate with yourself.

What is one boundary that you would like to transform into a flexible boundary? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

A compliment well placed is a gift to the receiver….

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A few weeks ago I was sitting in a restaurant with a dear friend, her niece and another young lady.

The two young people were elegant and beautiful and had gorgeous bodies and were professional dancers with Brittany Spears’ Las Vegas Extravaganza.

I was loving being in the company of my friend and these two shiny young people. I was being my 60 years old self. I was mothering the whole group.

In the middle of dinner, a woman from another table came over to say something.

I thought she was coming to ask where something was or to tell the two young ones that they were beautiful or to tell my friend that she knew her from her TED talk.

It was none of the above.

She made her way over to tell Me that I was beautiful and that my smile was lovely!

Wait…What?

I quickly got up from my table and gave her the biggest hug ever and told her she made my life, not just my day.

Why was I surprised?

I was surprised because that had never happened before.

Actually, I am usually the one telling strangers how beautiful they they look.

I have to say, being on the receiving end of a compliment from a delightful stranger was a real boost to my ego.

Don’t we all need a boost?

Do you ever see someone looking so put together and being quiet about it?

How about you spread those compliments around?

The aftermath of me receiving the compliment was that the young ladies were saying, “what about me?”

They already knew they looked like a million dollars!

It was good for them to see that age does not mean “dead” or “unattractive.”

Maybe when they are 60, as I am now, they too will be on the receiving end of a surprise compliment.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Grand Theft Auto 5 – A letter to my son….

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Fionn,

Dad here, remember me? I need to talk to you about something important, so look me in the eyes and listen up (yes, this is one of the “look me in the eyes” type of talks).

Remember when we started playing video games? Remember how concerned your Mom was with the amount of time we played video games and the effect that might have on you, and how I told her that was crazy, video games weren’t bad for you?

Yeah, well, you and I know that I am almost always right, but, I might have been wrong on the whole “video games aren’t bad for you” bit, and I don’t say that lightly.

As you know I spent a great deal of my childhood playing video games: Atari 2600, Intellivision, Colecovision, Super Nintendo, Playstation, Windows Computers, Amiga, Commodore 64; I played most of them.

I also spent a great deal of my time in the 90s defending video games, content in video games, and violence in video games. Fighting against people who said that content in video games could affect how people acted in real life.

For the most part, I still think this is true….but…but…after watching this video I am not sure how I feel about my old arguments. I am not sure how anyone could make a game that allows you to do these things, and if games like this are selling millions, and gamers have a desire to do these things in a game, I have to wonder where gaming culture is headed, how gamers will behave in the future, and whether you and I should even be a part of this group.

I want you to watch this video Fionn. I want you to realize that, even though this is “just a game”, these actions are wrong. Wrong on so many different levels. They are wrong in the Real World AND they are also wrong in a Virtual World.

(Please Note: this video is Not Safe For Work and contains disturbing images)

Now, I am not going to go so far as to say: “some kid will play this video game and it will make him go out and pay for a hooker, then kill that hooker with an axe”. What I am willing to say is: “some kid will play this video game and think that women, and how he treats women, aren’t important, and someone’s daughter may end up hurt because of this game”.

Fionn, this video makes me embarrassed to be a gamer, and it should make you embarrassed to be one too.

I don’t want you to stop playing video games, but I want you to think (and tell your friends to think too) about the games you play and what happens in them. If a game disrespects women like Grand Theft Auto Five I don’t want you brushing it off, or thinking that it is OK. I want you to stop playing, tell people it isn’t acceptable, and stand up for the boys and girls that could be hurt by disgusting content like this.

Can you promise to do that Fionn?

 

Love,

Dad

One simple act…..

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Change the world with ONE simple act….like opening a door consistently.

What a guy!

Can we all be more like him?
http://www.wimp.com/simplething/

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Sledge hammers, rubber mallets, nail guns…what’s your tool of choice?

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woman-with-toolbeltYou must have heard the adage, “if the only tool you have is a hammer then everything looks like a nail.”

If you have not heard it, now you have.

I was thinking about expanding on this… what if you only have nails and you need a hammer? Then you have to determine what kind of hammer you need, right?

For instance, if you need to put a small nail in the wall to hold a small painting it would not help to use a sledge hammer because you would not have any wall left.

If you needed to put together some delicate furniture that needed some good pressure, you better use a rubber mallet and that too, very gingerly.

If we can expand this metaphor into the challenges that life gives, we must determine exactly what king of challenge is at hand and what kind of hammer we need.

If a child makes a mistake, say spills milk or pushes a sibling, then using a switch to beat the living daylights out of him, a la Adrian Peterson, is akin to using a sledge hammer. Your aim will be to inflict the most pain for the smallest injury.

Why would anyone choose to do that?

In my experience, sledge hammers and rubber mallets are NEVER needed, nor are nail guns. Instead what we usually need is to take a time out and to discover what other tools we have in our tool belt.

When you have a challenge, take a time out instead of taking out the sledgehammers.

Everyone will be happier.

 

Love and light,
Indrani.

Stopping sexism towards men – A solution for gender based violence?

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Sexism is a term normally associated with women. It affects women in the workplace, on the street, in the media; it affects women in so many different ways, that we often forget an important piece of the sexism puzzle:

Sexism affects everyone: bisexuals, transgender, lesbians, gay men, and yes, even straight men.

Watch Laci Green as she unpacks and explores the idea of sexism against men and the effect it is having on everyone.

Watch and imagine what effect it would have on gender based violence if men no longer felt that they NEEDED to hide emotions, be powerful, and do manly things like fight, fix things, and have lots of sex to prove how masculine they are.

Could part of the solution be as easy as realizing that: there is no man or woman or gay or lesbian or transgender. There are humans.

Have you ever been sexist towards a man? If you are one of our male readers, have you ever experienced sexism?

We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Brighter Life Bit #5: Crossed Boundaries, watch for these signs

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ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyYou can listen to the original teaching at 52 minutes and 33 seconds of the Class 1 recording. You can download the audio from iTunes here or from the ILF website here

Continuously broken personal boundaries will have wide ranging effects on your entire life, and those you love. “Go to the movies” and watch some of your own footage to see if any of these broken boundary symptoms are showing up for you:

  • Feelings of guilt, depression, and humiliation
  • Feeling confused, unsafe, or fearful
  • A loss of confidence and ability to trust intuition
  • Starting to question your values and beliefs
  • Physical exhaustion and constantly getting sick

Boundary related stress, over time, will also have an effect on everyone around you as they witness your stress and the physical and spiritual toll this stress causes.

Write down the boundaries that are being crossed, and the different ways that these crossed boundaries are effecting the loved ones in your life, then share some of your responses in the comments below.

The languages of life… What’s your fluency?

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woman_talking_iStock_000008940784XSmallYou may have heard of the very popular book called “Five Love Languages.”

The book tells us the different ways that we show love and how we like for love to be shown to us.

I was having an intriguing conversation with a dear friend this week and it occurred to me that when people speak, they immediately tell us what kind of person they are.

They can see the world in any variety  of ways and often all we need to do is USE our two ears more consistently than we use our one mouth.

We need to listen more than we speak.

When we listen, really listen, we will be able to hear what kind of life language people are using…

Positivity speak
Joy speak
Hopeful speak
Victim speak
Negativity speak
Powerless speak

I know that you understand what I mean.

I recently reached out to an acquaintance and asked how they were doing, and the litany of complaints began. I immediately felt deflated. I felt like saying, has nothing positive happened in this whole year?

I did not. Instead I just listened and made an excuse and got off the telephone.

If we wish to elevate our spirit, we must choose carefully the kind of person with whom we commune.

Now, comes the scary question, what life language do you speak?

Are you one of the people who is uplifting or down putting?

If you don’t know, try listening to yourself.

If you don’t know how to listen to yourself, then ask a trusted friend how you come across and promise them to not shoot the messenger.

It is a worthy exercise.

Try it.

 
Love and light,

 
Indrani

LABL 011: Indrani’s Story and Lessons From a Broken Singing Bowl

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ILF_Wtagline_Logo copyWelcome to Episode #11 of the Live a Brighter Life Podcast!

In this episode of the Live a Brighter Life Podcast Indrani is interviewed by Shawn Shepheard. You will learn:

  • the back story of how Indrani’s Light was named and began
  • Why Indrani doesn’t have a choice in what she does
  • The answer to the question: Why you Indrani?
  • The story of the Broken Singing Bowl

And SO much more!

Podcast Recording

[powerpress]

Whose behaviour are you misdiagnosing?

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“What does it look like when you put [a traumatized] kid in a classroom? When people don’t understand there’s been a tiger in your life, it looks a lot like ADHD to them.” – Dr. Heather Forkey 

This quote comes from the last line of a recent article published about the misdiagnosis of childhood trauma as ADHD (you can read the full article here.)

Rushed doctor’s not taking enough time with patients, teachers and parents looking for a quick solution, families hiding the reality of their home life, and a lack of support for children experiencing trauma have all contributed to the possible misdiagnosis of ADHD, when in reality the child is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to trauma.

Which raises an interesting question for all of us in our everyday lives: who have we misdiagnosed with a rushed and incorrect label in our own lives?

We call the neighbor’s teenage daughter that “gets around” promiscuous (if we are being nice) and a “slut” (if we are not being nice).

We call the boy in the Motley Crue jacket, smoking cigarettes a “thug” and walk on the other side of the road.

We call the lawyer at the party, who pushes everyone away with her know-it-all behaviour, a snob.

The child who never has lunch at school and wears old, torn clothes “just comes from a poor family”.

The bully in the playground is “big for his age, and pushy”.

The little boy, bouncing off the walls at the grocery store while his mother screams “must have ADHD”.

What if each of these people has a deeper story that we are ignoring?

Dr. Nicole Brown, Dr. Heather Forkey and their colleagues are working hard to change the landscape of ADHD diagnosis, hoping that they can teach professionals to look deeper, go beyond the quick and simple diagnosis and find what may really be going on with some of these kids.

You may not be a professional, but doesn’t taking more time and going deeper with your own “diagnosis” of people seem like a good idea?

How could your life, and their life, be different if you did?

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller