Tag Archives: abuse

Too little, too late…….

October 11, 2014featured, homepageabuse, child, children, choices, courage, end gender based violence, end gender violence, gender based violence, gender violence, love others, respect, right action, sexual assault, use your voice, violenceIndrani Goradia

Why does it take teen victims of sexual assault committing suicide for the police to decide that there is sufficient evidence to move forward with a further investigation of these horrific attacks?

Too little, to late.

This statement by Larry Pott, father of Audrie Pott, a sexual assault victim who took her own life after photos of her attack spread throughout her high school and on social media, bears repeating,

“It’s not a college problem. It’s not a high-school problem. It’s a gender and societal problem.”

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/magazine/our-daughter-is-dead-were-the-surviving-victims-rape-bullying-and-suicide-after-a-viral-flood/ar-BB7g4pq

Let us join the families of these victims, who’s lives are so tragically cut short, by honoring them and finding ways to educate our youth and society so that we can put an end to Gender Based Violence.

Love & light,

Team ILF

Living in a pretend world. This is the world of the abused….

October 4, 2014featured, homepageabuse, choices, courage, domestic abuse, domestic violence, domestic violence awareness month, end gender violence, gender based violence, gender violence, life lessons, love yourself, respectIndrani Goradia

A few years ago, I had the great joy of speaking to groups of women who had been abused and who had found the strength to stay gone.

I remember asking them why it took as long as it did.

In one case 44 years and in others 20-25 years. The lucky ones where 10-15 years.

They ALL said the same thing:

They wanted to “make” their marriage work.
They wanted to be a better wife.
They wanted their children to have a father.

In every case they were searching for the “reality” that was never there.

They believed the broken promises of “never again.”

They believed the abuser when he said all they had to be was be a better wife, cook, daughter-in-law, income earner, mother, sex partner.

They believed in the pretend of their lives.

They chose to ignore the solid reality that something, many things were wrong.

It is my fervent hope that we can learn to live with the reality of our lives and leave the pretend to the film makers.

Love and light,

Indrani

One woman’s story of survival…..

September 24, 2014featured, homepageabuse, choices, courage, Dealing with shame, domestic violence, domestic violence awareness, end gender violence, fear, gender based violence, gender violence, Shame, start new, Stop domestic violence, survivalIndrani Goradia

This is a must read.

Thankfully, she left before he killed her.

Thankfully, she isn’t letting Shame control her present and future.

Please share this article…it could truly save someone’s life.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave-shame_n_5805848.html?utm_hp_ref=email_share

Love & light,

Team ILF

Think Global…Act Local

September 20, 2014featured, homepageabuse, best, child, child abuse, children, choices, Compassion, courage, domestic violence, end gender violence, gender based violence, gender violence, Intimate Partner Violence, life lessons, love, love others, love yourself, respect, right action, Stop domestic violence, think global act local, use your voice, violence, youIndrani Goradia

When I think of this phrase I think it means to be an informed consumer.

Am I buying products made by children in the slavery mills around the Globe?
Am I consciously aware that what I do here in my country is negatively affecting the Amazon Rain Forest?
Are the diamonds that I admire Blood Diamonds?

Right?

Big thoughts.

I think I can make my buying power MAKE a difference.

I CAN make my money talk!

What IF….

The phrase “THINK Global…Act Local” could be applied to Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence and Child Abuse?

What would that look like?

It might look like this…

You are watching TV on a normal day or night and you see a story of a VERY FAMOUS NFL player like Adrian Peterson being charged with Child Endangerment for beating his 4 year old son with a switch. You may or may not be appalled… Let’s say you ARE appalled.

What can YOU do?

Well you can begin to look at your own behaviors towards your kids or other people’s kids.

You can open a conversation with your kids … if you dare… and ask them what it’s like living in your home.

Do they feel emotionally safe?
Are they worried about people flying off the handle?
Are they afraid of anyone in particular?

YOU must be brave and courageous and really listen.

LISTEN with your ears and your HEART. (Especially your heart.)

You MUST promise them immunity from YOU flying off the handle if you hear something that hurts your feelings.

If I would have had parents who had asked this question to me and if I trusted them, I would have said something like this:

“Well you are always beating us and yelling at us. If we cry then you beat us more to “really give us something to cry about.” You tell me that I never do anything right. I am always scared of you.”

IF I had parents who were brave enough to go there, I may have had a slim chance of a happier childhood.

YOU have the POWER to give your children a bigger chance of happiness.

If you ACT LOCAL, while observing the pitiful GLOBAL state of violence against women and girls you will be making a difference.

Don’t know where to start? Start with YOURSELF, your own boundaries and awareness of shame and building your shame resilience.

START TODAY.

START NOW.

Here is something to get you started…www.liveabrighterlife.eventbrite.com

If I can do it, you can do it.

Now, let’s say you were NOT appalled at someone beating their child in that way, you can still do something.

You can begin to wonder about your own abuse and ask yourself if your parents could have been more compassionate.

If you say they did the best they could with what they had, you would be right. However, YOU can do better with all the new information that you have about child rearing. You can seek out informed guidance on how to be a better parent.

Why? Because you owe it to those kids you brought into the world.

So however you slice this Domestic Violence pie, you can Think Global and still Act Local.

Love and light,

Indrani

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When something so bad turns out to be so good….

September 17, 2014featured, homepageabuse, awareness, domestic violence, domestic violence awareness, domestic violence in the NFL, gender based violence, gender violence, Megan MacKay, NFL, Ray RiceJeremie Miller

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When you read the video title “Ray Rice Inspired Makeup Tutorial” you probably get a chill down your spine.

How could a comedian make light of an incident as serious as this?

Well, give the video a watch because Megan MacKay pretty much nails it when she uses comedy to talk about this serious subject.

The strange part after watching this video is it sheds light on the possibility that as horrible as the video is and as horrible this act of domestic violence is, maybe there is a silver lining in all of this.

North America is talking about domestic violence on the news, on YouTube, on websites and social media like never before. This horrible video may be the spark that brings about more change and I am not sure how to feel about that.

What are your thoughts on the Ray Rice incident? Can we turn this video into a gift for all of the women experiencing domestic violence (or any kind of violence) in the world?

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller
ILF Team Member & Guest Blogger

Why you should share this horrific video with your friends…..

September 10, 2014featured, homepageabuse, choices, domestic violence, end gender violence, gender based violence, gender violence, nfl violence, spousal abuseIndrani Goradia

The video footage is painfully hard to watch….but unfortunately, this is something that so many women deal with on a daily basis. The majority of it never even talked about…let alone caught on video.

Awareness is one of many steps toward diminishing Gender-Based Violence.

Please do not sweep this under the rug. Instances like this are a chance to raise awareness and open up conversations, a chance to teach our children, a chance to let other victims know that they are not alone and that help is near.

What emotions does this video bring up for you? How can we learn from this as a society? We would love for you to comment below.

Love & light,

Team ILF

How long should one girl have to carry the weight of rape?

September 6, 2014Uncategorizedabuse, college campus sexual abuse, courage, domestic violence, end gender violence, gender based violence, gender violence, rape, respect, right action, Stop domestic violenceIndrani Goradia

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This college student has vowed to carry a mattress to class every day until her alleged rapist leaves campus.

Emma Sulkowicz states, “The idea of me carrying a mattress sort of stuck in my head. I guess I decided to unpack why I was so fascinated with that idea. I was raped in my own dorm bed, so I think the idea of carrying the mattress represented, in my mind, carrying the weight of the memories that I have of that night and carrying the weight of how the school dismissed not only me but the other two women who reported against him, and the way the police harassed me when I reported my case.”

If we were on campus, we would help her carry the weight of that mattress.

Read Emma’s full story here.

Love & light,

Team ILF

Not seeing what has ALWAYS been there can be a true gift…

August 6, 2014featured, homepagea new life, a new way of thinking, abuse, choices, gender based violence, gender violence, life lessons, shift your perspective, violence, youIndrani Goradia

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My lesson from identical twins, 25 years in the making.

I have known a set of identical twins from the moment of their birth. We have shared hours and days and weeks together over the course of their 25 glorious years on earth. They are as close as my own children and I love and respect them as much as I do my own.

I have never been able to tell them apart. My daughter has ALWAYS been able to tell them apart. She, my daughter, would get so frustrated with me when I would keep asking her which was which.

She tried to point out all the small details of their faces, the shape of the eyes, the difference in the smiles, the profile differences and still, as hard as I tried to look to see, all the details evaded me.

I remained blind.

Then, a few weeks ago, I had the lovely chance to spend five glorious days with them.

The first day I was still blind….I could not see the differences. (I had actually given up many years ago, because I was sure I would never get it.)

Then, as clear as day, I woke up the second day and I saw it.

I cannot tell you what I saw. I just had a shift in perspective and RIGHT there, I said, “Are you Jackie?” (Name changed to protect the twins.)

She said YES!

I could not believe it.

I asked again a few hours after and again I nailed it.

The next day, I nailed it again.

I do not understand what shifted in my head, but something very significant did and I know that I will always be able to tell them apart.

I think that this paradigm shift is what needs to happen with women who accept abuse.

They must keep looking for ways to recognize that which they have been blinded. They may have been blinded by childhood abuse, or by acts of war, or some other horrible history.

They must be able to see through what they have accepted as fact.

Each woman is the ONLY one who can shift her perspectives.

Thousands of experts can point out the problems such as:

No one has the right to hit you
No one has the right to rape you
No one has the right to control you
No one has the right to blame you for their anger

I could go on and on…

It would not matter, because unless something shifts inside of each individual person, they would not be able to escape the abuse.

I will keep doing the work I do.

Indranis Light will keep putting up blogs, sending out recordings and teaching in shelters IN THE HOPE that some people somewhere will be able to make the shift and begin to see the SIGNIFICANCE of their individuality.

When the shift happens, when people see that THEY are worthy, NO ONE will be able to take it away and they will be able to change the relationship.

They will, like I did, say “Is that you?”

They will say, “Yes, it is me and I am worth MORE than putting up with abuse. I refuse to accept it another day longer.”

I will never give up on all the women out there who are looking for the little hints about their worth and I hope they tell me when they figure it out.

Please like our Facebook page.

Love & light,

Indrani

Shelter in Place …..be prepared.

June 11, 2014featured, homepageabuse, awareness, domestic violence, domestic violence awareness, gender based violence, gender violence, protection strategy, shelter, shelters, women's sheltersIndrani Goradia

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Photo Credit: quintanomedia/Flickr

I live in Hurricane country. Every year, we are reminded by the weather people on the TV to replenish our batteries in our flashlights, to stock up on supplies, especially water and other staples to last a few days, to keep our gas tanks filled and even to buy generators so that we can save the food in our refrigerators.

We are told to prepare for rain storms, wind storms, hurricanes and other natural disasters. Some parts of the country are prone to tornadoes and they are told to have basements “tornado ready” so that they can keep their family safe.

Sometimes, people are told to leave their homes and seek shelter at schools or other places of safety set up by the local authorities.

Most people listen to these warnings and do their best to shelter their families.

When the danger is deemed too close to the target area, families are instructed to “Shelter in Place.” This is where the extra water and food and battery operated radios come in handy.

A few years ago, we were hit by a very big storm and we were without power for a full week. Luckily the cars were full of gas and we had enough water and supplies of food to sustain us. The schools were closed and we ” hunkered down” as we say here in Texas.

This concept of “shelter in place” is one that can serve the abused woman very well.

If you are in a dangerous situation AND you choose to stay with the abuser, there are some things you must be willing to do to keep yourself and your family as safe as you can.

I have a friend in India who works with women who have even been burned by fire from their abusers. Most of them stay with their abuser for the sake of the children, or because they feel that there is no other place for them.

They have learned to turn off the stove if the abuser comes into the kitchen and to be prepared to leave the cooking area.

This is a brilliant strategy. Whatever you may feel about them wanting to stay with the people who burned them is your prerogative but you must be able to see the simple brilliance in their strategy.

This is a great example of shelter in place.

I knew another woman whose husband used to hold guns to her head and threaten to kill her. She blew me off when I told her to take the kids and leave.

She even blew me off when I said she should get rid of all the guns.

A few years ago I heard she finally had to leave because he did indeed fire at her and barely missed.

She called to tell me she should have listened.

I was glad she and her children were finally safe.

Turning off the fire and getting rid of guns are two examples of sheltering in place.

When you decide to stay in the midst of the storm, i.e to stay and live actively with the abuser, you have decided to be your own weather person. You have NO one but yourself to determine your danger. You have to begin to capture all the relevant information so that you can decide what ” shelter in place” means to you.

When does abuse usually occur?

Does it occur when the abuser gets some money and consumes alcohol and gets drunk and out of control?

Is there a time of month that this happens?

What can you do to NOT be around when this occurs?

Who can you call to be a buffer to the abuse?

How can you save the children from further trauma?

Please don’t believe that kids are dumb and don’t know what’s going on.

Kids know and are more aware of danger than you are allowing yourself to believe.

Does the abuser get triggered when family visits?

I had a client who was always more abused when the mother in law visited. The elderly woman would complain constantly to her son that his wife was no good, was a bad cook, was a lousy housekeeper, was a bad daughter in law, etc.

She had to get very brave and use her voice to tell her husband about the behaviors she was no longer going to accept.

Was he angry that she dared call him out on his behavior?

YEP, he was.

When his mother visited and he behaved abhorrently, she left the house for a few days and took her son.

The husband kept calling her cell phone to find out where she was.

He HAD to change his behavior for her to return. Now she was met with a cold silent treatment from him and his mother, but at least they were not shouting at her.

Every person must decide what Sheltering in Place means to their unique situation.

I know of women who finally took full time paying jobs just to get away from all the negativity at home.

They worked while the kids were at school and refused to give up their jobs. The abuser had to find new people to dump his anxieties on.

Did they face abuse after work, of course they did, BUT they had a new circle of friendships at work and were better able to withstand the barrage of insults that came at night.

Are you living in the midst of daily or weekly storms?

What creates the storms?

What can you do to shelter your kids and yourself from the worst of the storms?

If you choose to stay, then it is incumbent upon you to create safety for you and your kids.

Please take a look at this danger assessment and decide what dangers you are in and how you can help yourself.

If you won’t leave, you can still get outreach help from your local shelter or police department.

The most important thing is to be HONEST with yourself and your situation and then make plans for sheltering at home.

I was going to write “good luck” but this is NOT about luck … it is about awareness and respecting the anger and the threats from the abuser.

Respect the anger enough to make shelter plans. Protect your kids.

They need YOU to be the sane adult.

Love and light and weather forecasting …

Indrani

Lessons from the past 7 years….

June 7, 2014featured, homepageabuse, domestic violence, end domestic violence, end gender based violence, end gender violence, gender based violence, gender violence, lessons learnedIndrani Goradia

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I realized a few days ago that I have been working with Gender Violence for about 7 years.

It seems so unreal to me that it has been so long. I love this work so much that it always feels new.

There is so much to learn about the psychology of why a woman stays in an abusive home that I always feel like a novice.

I hope that I always will be a novice at heart, if not head.

Here are some of the irrefutable facts that I have personally learned over these many years:

1. We cannot FORCE a woman to leave an abusive situation.

She may leave for a few days or even weeks but IF the decision was not hers, as soon as the abuser calls and makes the slightest caring overture, she will go back. She will convince herself that she made him angry.

She will put the children in harms’ way again.

She will make these decisions because she believes that even THAT man is a better father figure than NO father figure at all!

She feels that she is making the right decisions for her children.

2. We cannot continue to make the victim feel like a failure and place the whole burden of leaving on her head. We MUST try to make it family centric and involve the abuser in the healing process of his family.

If substance abuse is involved we must try to educate the woman about the devastating effects the substances has had in the brain of the abuser and that she cannot really get through because he is not in charge of his thinking … his addictions are in charge.

One of my dear friends Chelsea Berler has just written a book called “The Curious One” and in the book Chelsea’s mother makes a gut wrenching decision to leave the father of her children and love of her life, because of alcohol related issues.

That Mom chose the health of the children and that was brave and honorable.

3. We MUST begin to educate girls and boys about the horrors of domestic violence.

We must ask them to share their stories of personal experience with abuse and teach them how NOT to perpetuate the abuse when they have families.

This is how my journey began. I remember being 12 years old and just having had a “proper beating” and crying softly to myself (because loud crying would be met with another beating.)

I promised myself that if I ever had kids I would NEVER hurt them.

I tried every minute of every day when my kids were in my care to keep that promise. Sometime I failed and I resorted to the yelling and name calling that I experienced.

I tried as quickly as possible to make amends when that happened and I live with the horror of those memories.

There are many more facts I have picked up along the way but none more IMPORTANT than this…

4. Abusers need to be helped to stop abusing.

In the book The Locust Effect: Why the End of Poverty Requires the End of Violence, author Gary Haugen says that the people of Rwanda “did not need someone to bring them a sermon, or food, or a doctor, or a teacher, or a micro-loan. They needed someone to restrain the hand with the machete—and nothing else would do.”

We need to help the abuser to refocus the anger and outrage and to NOT lash out at the partner or the children.

We need to help the abuser to understand their own emotions.

Women need to be helped to use their voices and have a ZERO tolerance policy for any disrespect.

I would like to see ads on TV asking brides if it’s ok for her husband to hit her.

I would like to see the wedding industry invest some money in providing conflict resolution classes in their bridal boutiques.

I fear this will never happen… But I can still dream.

So I will dream about a world without gender violence and I will continue the work at Indranis Light Foundation and do what I can.

What will you do to end violence in your home?

Love and light,

Indrani

Indrani’s Light Foundation

Supporting Advocates to Support Others

Tag Archives: abuse

Too little, too late…….

Living in a pretend world. This is the world of the abused….

One woman’s story of survival…..

Think Global…Act Local

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

When something so bad turns out to be so good….

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

Why you should share this horrific video with your friends…..

How long should one girl have to carry the weight of rape?

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

Read Emma’s full story here.

Not seeing what has ALWAYS been there can be a true gift…

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

Shelter in Place …..be prepared.

This concept of “shelter in place” is one that can serve the abused woman very well.

Please take a look at this danger assessment and decide what dangers you are in and how you can help yourself.

I was going to write “good luck” but this is NOT about luck … it is about awareness and respecting the anger and the threats from the abuser.

Lessons from the past 7 years….

Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!

I realized a few days ago that I have been working with Gender Violence for about 7 years.

1. We cannot FORCE a woman to leave an abusive situation.

2. We cannot continue to make the victim feel like a failure and place the whole burden of leaving on her head. We MUST try to make it family centric and involve the abuser in the healing process of his family.

3. We MUST begin to educate girls and boys about the horrors of domestic violence.

4. Abusers need to be helped to stop abusing.

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