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Tag Archives: bullying
The ART of saying a Powerful NO!
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Photo Credit: horiavarlan/Flickr
When a dear friend ASKS you for a favor and you are in a state of exhaustion can you say NO without guilt?
When a family member yells and screams at you about something and you feel attacked can you say “I will not respond to yelling or screaming, so we can talk when you have calmed down” without feeling scared or guilty?
When people disrespect others in your presence, are you able to stand up for what is right?
There is a good chance that you either said a quick NO to the above questions or an “Of course” but if I were to ask you for examples where you were proactive and said NO to bad behaviors, you would have a hard time coming up with examples with close friends and family.
You may be better able to do it with strangers and people for whom you care very little.
Standing up for what we believe is right is not something that we are taught.
We are often taught to not rock the boat and therefore the people behaving badly get away with their nasty behavior.
A long time ago when my son was in 1st grade, about 6 years old, I took him out of school early one day for a “mental health day” and we went to get ice cream.
He ordered his ice cream and we were sitting there talking about his latest Lego creation and he was deciding what he would build next when the following happened.
A group of three boys about 10 or 11 years old came into the store and two of the boys ordered their ice creams while the third boy just stood there.
The two who ordered were making fun of the boy who had no money.
The boys took their ice cream, laughed at the one without and proceeded to go outside.
I then got up and told the ice cream-less boy to order WHATEVER he wanted. He looked at me and said, “Really lady?”
I said “Yep … make it an order bigger than your friends.”
I kind of made him order five scoops. He was grinning so big I thought he would burst. His friends came rushing in to tell ME that it was not fair.
I asked them why it was not fair. They said that they only had 2 scoops. I then asked why it was fair that they did not share their ice cream with their friend who had no money.
They looked shocked that I would bring that up.
The other boy said that he would go home to bring money for me and I asked him to go home and hug his mom and tell her he loved her and for me, he should try to always be kind to others. He left happy, the other two…not so much.
What was my little son doing this whole time?
He was eating his ice cream and looked up and said, “What took you so long mom?”
I smiled and said that I was giving the boys a chance to be kind. He shrugged and asked could he have as many scoops as the other fella got.
That night there were two very happy boys in Kingwood, TX, one in my house and one in another house, telling his Mom about his adventures.
I said NO to unfair treatment of a child. I said YES to kindness and I showed my son that day what it means to step up and right a wrong.
How will you say NO to unfair treatment?
What will you teach your children?
How will you stand up to bullying in and out of the family?
Love and light,
Indrani
Respect for women trumps an order to gang rape a girl!
Recently in the news, an elder Tribesman ORDERED a girl to be gang raped!
This took place in a remote village in India.
Sorry to have opened this blog so abruptly. There is no other way to speak this horror other than to just spit it out.
The elder took part in the rape.
The whole village watched and stood by as a young girl was tied and ravaged because she dared to choose her own husband.
My mind has been racing since I read this….my head aching with all the elements that I do not understand.
I have so many questions:
How cruel has this man been in the past?
How many people had he already raped?
How much has he abused his wife?
How many rapes had the other rapists previously committed?
You see, from where I stand an elder does not “all of a sudden” decide to become a rapist.
And sane men do not just blindly follow an order to gang rape a young girl.
It is VERY likely that the elder has been a bully for quite a while AND he has gotten away with it.
No one in the village reported him for his cruelty and lack of basic humanity and so he grew in power and pride and found himself in a powerful position where he could “make” a group of men gang rape a young girl.
Did those men have a choice? YES, they did. They could have all said NO… this will not happen.
It was heart breaking to read that the village women blamed the girl for the horrific acts of the elder and the other rapists.
My heart wants to know how many other rapes and violence against women has been happening in this village that has up until now, gone unnoticed. How many women have been suffering in silence? Perhaps this instance of horrific acts will help to pry open a little more the plight of women and girls. Just like the gang rape on the bus in New Delhi where the victim died and the furor against these practices started. Perhaps this instance will further that fight.
I can only hope.
What is our takeaway here?
A bully needs to be reported at the first infraction lest he be voted in an elder at a later date. In this country, report the abusers lest they become our political leaders!
Speak up for your rights and keep speaking up….speak loudly and often and never shut up.
And MEN…
If someone tells you to rape someone say in a loud voice,
I AM NOT A RAPIST…and then report them to the authorities.
Please let us bring back humanity to the human race.
Love and light and compassion to all women who have suffered rape,
Indrani
Who pushes your buttons?
We all have people like this in our lives. They just seem to get under our skin. They know just what to say and when to say it and before you know it you are upset, crying or yelling and it feels like they have won….again.
This used to happen to me all the time. It used to feel like I walked into the trap and stayed in the trap even as I saw they were springing it on me….again!
The one BIG mistake that I used to make was this… I used to think that the people who did this to me cared about me.
When I began to realize that these people only liked to hear themselves talk, it was easier for me to untangle myself from their traps. I began to really listen to their words, the ACTUAL words, and I began to ASK them what they meant?
For instance…
When a family member says, “Well that’s just how you are.”
I now say, “What exactly do you mean?”
I noticed that the speaker would do a double take and would begin to trip over their words.
They began to say things like, “Oh, nothing really.” Or “Well I was just making a joke.”
Then I could say, “What was the joke?” Or “Was the joke at MY expense?”
I chose to react in this way until I felt that I broke the other person of their behaviors with me.
I chose to uninstall the buttons that used to be pushed all the time.
I must tell you, it takes time and patience but it was well worth my time an attention.
It was worth the time investment because it showed that I respected myself and that I expected others to respect me as well.
Just to reiterate my strategy:
I. I would ask for clarity.
2. I would ask for further clarity.
3. I would then pin point the “dig” and ask for even more clarity.
Please note that I was NOT concerned on who would like me, or who would judge me. I only focused on standing up for myself.
Love and light,
Indrani (Reminding you to stand up for yourself in the face of verbal bullies.)
Is school making your child crazy?
Is school making your child crazy?
“The purpose of school should be to prepare kids for the rest of their lives, but too often what kids need to be prepared for is surviving the school day itself.” Susan Cain, QUIET
For the parent of a child who is being bullied, the above quote must be especially poignant…that is, if you are lucky enough to be told that they are being bullied. This blog is not about bullying but about being SHY and being ashamed of being shy.
Dr. Brene Brown tells us that shame says “I am bad.”
If a child has learned to be ashamed of being shy and is cajoled or taunted to be more outgoing, this child may feel that being shy is so bad that their existence is useless.
I feel that many shy children feel invisible. They know they have the right answers, but are afraid to put their hands up and speak out loud in the classroom. They cannot get full marks on any report card because a grade is being given for “class participation”. Many want to participate and when they work one-on-one they can have exciting
conversations, but in a group they freeze.
Telling this child to be something other than what they really are will not make them change. As parents and educators we have to learn how to work with the introversion so that the child can feel pride about their ability to be reflective, and introspective. We have to show them that their minds works differently and beautifully and show them how to find ways to be a part of the group, but in a way that feels safe to them.
“The truth is that many schools are designed for extroverts,” says Susan Cain.
So what do we do as parents and advocates for our introverted kids?
“When encouraging shy children to speak…it helps to make the topic so compelling that they forget their inhibitions.”
As parents and educators we can take sincere interests in the activities of the introverted child and use the love of those activities to encourage them to talk.
During the summer months, while kids are out if school, the time is right to begin the project of speaking up and out in the safety of one’s home.
These skills are important, if only to be able to tell others to stop bullying them. Being able to speak up for ones emotional health is skill that we must teach our children. They are the future leaders.
In the May 21st, 2012 issue of Fortune Magazine, Doug Conant, the former Campbell Soup CEO gives some great advice.
He says:
1. “Don’t change who you are…people are not mind readers- you need to let them know if you are shy.”
2. “Say what’s on your mind…I’ve met so many leaders who realize that telling your colleagues something that is on your mind is so much easier than keeping it in.”
3. “Know who you work with…You might just find that you have introverts embedded within your organization who are natural-born leaders.”
4. “Find alone time…Introverts get more energy by having quiet time, compared with extroverts who find energy by being around people.”
This advice from Mr. Conant shows that introverts in the work force have a lot to contribute, and as parents/educators of these future leaders we owe it to them to prepare them for their whole lives…a life full of other people and challenges beyond those of childhood.
I hope you take up this project, it is well worth it.
Love and light,
Indrani