Tag Archives: child

Dancing Queen only 17…

April 23, 2014featured, homepagebest, child, children, choices, courage, education, gender based violence, gender violenceIndrani Goradia

A few years ago I created a flash mob in my town to the song Dancing Queen by Abba.

I twirled and sang and enjoyed the freedom to dance in public and not be ridiculed.

Until that day, I had forgotten what it was like to be 17 and NOT a dancing queen.

At 17, in Trinidad, I was in charge of my siblings four and eight years younger than I and I had full emotional responsibility for them. My father worked all day and night to keep us fed and clothed and sheltered and we were the light of his life.

My mother had immigrated to the US to work and try to bring us there as well.

At 17, I had already been caring for my siblings for 3 years and it was hard work.

A teenage brother who never listened, nor should he have, was rudderless and a baby sister who clung to me like I was her mom, which I guess I was.

I remember thinking some days that I just wanted to run away and disappear. I was tired of being the caretaker when, the truth was, I needed care myself.

I had ONE thing in my favor. Education!

I went to school every day and studied as hard as I could and was usually at the head of my class.

In those days, I had no dreams. I only knew that school was my refuge and it would have broken my heart if I had not been I allowed to go to school.

A few weeks ago in Delhi, I met a curious 17 year old and OH how she desperately wanted to be allowed to study and not just given in marriage.

Her mother, whom I also met, told me and her, in no uncertain terms that she would have to marry at age 20!

She looked at me and said WHY?

I could not answer. Instead I asked her mother if perhaps she could be the next Indira Gandhi or the next Mother Teresa.

The mother said that she never thought about it.

Looking back at my 17 year old self, taking care of children and struggling to make sense of my own needs and those of my siblings, I would have cratered if I had been told I had to marry at 20!

One of my friends from India tells me how useless it is to make programs for girl’s free education when they are not even allowed to go to school in the first place.

There are no ready answers for the multitudes of questions surrounding girls, education, marriage and children BUT there is ONE clear fact… if a girl gets as much education as she wants, she will be a better functioning member of society, a better mother and a much better wife.

Let her stay in school, give her brain a chance to develop and become mature. Just because her body is capable of producing children does NOT mean she should!

Raise your voices; keep girls in school and learning.

Love and light,
Indrani

UNLEARN your obedience……

April 2, 2014featured, homepageabuse, child, children, choices, courage, gender based violence, gender violence, Malala, TED Talk, use your voice, violence, Ziauddin YousafzaiIndrani Goradia

What a man, he was living his life and teaching his daughter to follow her dreams.

He was thrust into the limelight because of the violence unleashed upon his child.

His voice is LOUD… Girls, UNLEARN your obedience!

Don’t miss this TED Talk by Ziauddin Yousafzai, father of Malala.

Love & light,

Indrani

What stinks?

March 5, 2014featured, homepageabuse, an empowered no, best, child, children, choices, courage, domestic abuse, fear, follow your intuition, gender based violence, gender violence, helplessness, intuition, love others, love yourself, respect, right action, right speech, self respect, Shame, shine brightly, toxins, use your voice, verbal abuse, youIndrani Goradia

Ever walk into a room and instantly notice that something smells? Stale smoke, mold, mildew. A habit like smoking lingers…so even if you are not the smoker and you are breathing the smoke second hand, you can be effected. The toxins stick.

Toxic people and situations stick to stuff.

Abuse not only affects the victim and those who may be witnesses but as a party several degrees removed, you still can sense the anger and fear. Perhaps it is a broken lamp, a noticeable bruise or wound, a torn piece of clothing, a broken window…the violence now affects you. You may feel scared, fearful, and angry at the perpetrator. You find yourself walking on egg shells in a play that has ended but the signs are still there. Now you have the toxins.

The toxins of verbal abuse resonate beyond the fight. A husband and wife argue. The wife saturated with the toxins of her husband’s venom then pushes those toxins out to her children. You are at the playground or school and you see the kids now fighting using the same words they heard at home, the name calling, the demeaning talk. Now those toxins from the original argument have affected those who are unaware of the verbal toxins of the home. Now they have affected innocent people outside of the original dumping ground.

We expose ourselves to third party toxins from events, habits, situations we never knew existed but we walk away changed and not for the good. Some of those toxins may even trigger dormant hurts from our past like shame, fear, and helplessness. We have to rely on our sixth sense, our intuition or our gut to remove ourselves from these poisons so that we do not suffer or get injured.

Have you ever been in a room where you could feel the tension and you know something just happened? Have you felt the shame as someone calls another worthless, and you take on that shame as if it was your own?

We need to listen to our intuition to save us from the ugly toxins that surround us. Do you have the courage to walk away in these situations?

Inspiring Women Wednesday….

February 12, 2014featured, homepagebest, child, children, choices, courage, encourage others, encourage women, gender based violence, gender violence, inspirational, inspiring womenIndrani Goradia

Meet an amazing woman who was NOT afraid of her skills in Math and Science.

Encourage the girls in your life to excel at the fields that they show interest and talent in….even if the fields are those that we tend to reserve for the boys.

We need women to step into the hard sciences.

Women need to take their place alongside their male counterparts.

Love & light,

Indrani

When the invisible is finally seen… It can never again be hidden.

February 5, 2014featured, homepagebe patient, be present, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, gender based violence, gender violence, honor your emotions, honor yourself, love others, love yourself, patience, start newIndrani Goradia

Try to think of something important, significant and poignant that you know now, but to which you used to be ignorant.

For me, it is the fragility of teenagers.

There was a time, before I had children, that I did not know the in credibility of teenage-hood.
I used to think that they were just younger versions of adults, that it was just a chronological thing for them.

I did not know that their brains were barely baked, or that their executive functioning skills were sorely lacking, or that they had the capacity to think of others.

Let me make a side note here. There ARE some teenagers who are incredibly mature and make ALL the “right” decisions….the kind of decisions that make adults proud and secure in their parenting skills. Yes, there are many of these beings.

If you know one of those beings… run, do not walk and hug them. Give the permission to make mistakes and to break some rules.

Give them permission to be one of the “other” kinds of teenagers.

Now that I know a few more things about the way teenagers behave, and that as parents, we should not take it personally, I can never not know.

This knowing, gives me the gift of compassion for teenagers and their witless parents.
The kind of witless parent I used to be.

In the words of Mark Nepo, ” …what has become visible and true will not become invisible again.”
Mark Nepo tells us that honoring ourselves means that “we will not pretend to be ignorant to what we know to be true…”

When we allow our knowing to inform our living, we live in honor of spirit of all things. We especially live in honor of ourselves.

Can we be patient enough to hold honor for all the “future KNOWINGS” that we will receive in the exact right time?

That is indeed a hard task.

Try to think of something you desperately want to know now…something that is bothering you in a deep and confusing way.

Can you give yourself the gift of patience and time to allow the knowing to appear to you?

If the answer is “no way,” then you have chosen a path very fraught with brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

Yes, you will be caught on the many branches in the way as you barge thru the unknown.

If, however, the answer is a soft “maybe,” then you stand a chance of less pain and less regret. You will allow yourself to step over the brambles and sticker bushes. You will be more discerning with your steps.

If your answer is a resounding “yes,” then you, my friend, will be still enough to see the different path, the one clear from the brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

I do not know which decision you will make but know this, YOU can always start again and make a different decision.

Remember to learn from the hasty decisions though, lest you trip yourself up again.

Wait…wait for the path to be clear. Wait for the clearer path to show itself.

Wait.

It may be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.
Love and light,
Indrani

Fuel enough to burn through gravity!

November 23, 2013featured, homepageabuse, abuser, an empowered no, best, child, children, choices, courage, domestic violence, fear, find you team, find your strength, fuel, gender based violence, gender violence, get help, get professional help, gravitational pull, how to say no, love yourself, respect, self love, self respect, start new, Stop domestic violence, truth, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Have you ever seen a shuttle lift off?

From what I have read, shuttles use over half of their fuel supply to break out of the earth’s gravitational pull.
After the shuttle breaks free, the fuel usage drops significantly.
If there is not enough combustion and the propulsion does not quite allow the shuttle to break out then all that initial work, all that burning will be for naught!
The shuttle will fall back down and shatter.

I like this metaphor for looking at what it takes to leave an abuser.
In order to leave, you have to have some initial fuel. Perhaps it’s a threat that you finally believe. Perhaps it’s yet another physical attack. Something fuels you to run for your life.
If you do not have the reserves of fuel to help you to stay gone (breaking free of the gravitational pull of the abuser) you will fall right back into their pull and burn up, all over again!

What are those reserves of fuel?

Those reserves are LOVE for yourself and your children.
Those reserves are finally realizing that your abuser tells you LIES!

The lies are that you are worthless, that you cannot survive without them, that you will live under a bridge or that NO ONE could ever love you.

Lies… All LIES!

The deeper you dig to find YOUR truths the better chance you have to stay gone to continue to free yourself of the gravitational pull of the abuser.

Abusers, like gravity, like to pull you DOWN.
They do not like you to move and think on your own. If they want you to think, they will TELL you what to think, when to think and how long to think it.
Abusers like to see themselves as mind readers, as purveyors of Truth!
The world revolves around them and the only thing that matters is what they believe to be so.
Read this former blog post, Bricks are for building and get an insight into some real life abuse.

How do you reserve enough fuel so that you can stay gone?
Some of the things you can do are:

TALK to professionals about your abuse.
Gather information on how abuse and abusers work.
Begin to identify the pattern in your abuse. 1. Event 2. Abuse 3. Honeymoon** 4. Apologies

**Note that in this 3rd stage, The Honeymoon Stage, is when the gravitational pull to go back to the abuse is strongest. You WANT to believe that he means it THIS time. You want to believe that he WILL never hit or rape or threaten you again. Oh, how you LONG to believe it. Beware of this gravitational pull.

All abuse follows this formula.
Sometimes the time frame between the stages varies from minutes to hours to days and even months. I have also seen the stages take years, but it still follows this formula. The abuse is still present.

Keep notes (in a VERY safe place) and note how many things you are being accused of. Ask yourself if you are really that powerful as to make those things all happen.
If indeed you WERE that powerful, would you not make the abuser stop hurting you?

You cannot fight this fight alone. It takes a whole team of qualified engineers and staff personnel to safely send that shuttle off into space. You need a team of qualified people to help you to blast away and more importantly, stay away.

Find your team.
Refill your fuel reserves.
Blast away.
Stay away.
Far away, until you love yourself SO much, that you will never again believe the lies.

Love and light,
Indrani

Domestic Violence Awareness Month- Day 17

October 17, 2013featured, homepageabuse, an empowered no, child, child abuse, children, choices, courage, domestic violence, fear, gender based violence, gender violence, how to say no, right action, right speech, right you, silence, standing your ground, Stop domestic violence, use your voice, violence, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

No child should live in constant fear…..

Domestic Violence Awareness Month- Day 16

October 16, 2013featured, homepagebest, change the world, change your world, child, childhood dream, children, choices, courage, dreams, execute your dreams, gender based violence, gender violence, it's never too late, meaning behind your dreams, positive change, shine brightly, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

Find the meaning behind your childhood dream…..

Limitations, oh limitations where art thou?

September 21, 2013featured, homepagebe brave, be strong, child, children, children witnessing violence, fight, gender based violence, gender violence, hope, impatience, limitations, love, love others, love yourself, war zoneIndrani Goradia

Just the other day on a flight home from Trinidad I watched a movie with Vince Vaughn. It was the movie about Google and his character said, “If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.”

I immediately began to birth this blog. I have been struggling with some of the language around Gender Violence and I have been struggling with the impatience I feel when people say things like:

It will always be like this.

That’s just the way it is.

How are we going to fix what has always been broken?

In the vernacular of Trinidad, it’s “Whah yuh go do?”

It’s pronounced as one word, “Whahyuhgodo?”

It is usually followed by a shrug and a laugh that means it’s too hard to tackle or a sucking of the teeth. (Which means the speaker is quite done with the conversation.)

I have a HUGE problem with the “whahyuhgodo” attitude!

The line in the movie, “If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them” made me realize why.

When we give up the fight to make things better, we fight for the limits and we put limits on our dreams for humanity.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we can fix all the ills of humanity but when is it a good time to give up?

Should we give up when we are…
Rich enough?
Old enough?
Young enough?
Poor enough?

What’s the best time to give up the fight for a better way to treat our fellow humans?
Gender violence does not just hurt the women and girls.
Sons see their mothers being pummeled and broken.
Sons hear their sisters and mothers cowering and crying and feel helpless.
Sons are also attacked and made to feel broken.

Often children who are witnessing the violence are told NOT to help or the mother will be worse off.
Often the mother implores the children to “go back to sleep” even as she is fighting for her life.
Children are not stupid.
They know that their house is a war zone.
They know that neighbors know their house is a war zone and they see NO one trying to help them.

Can we STOP fighting for our limitations?
Can we begin to live each day a little brighter than the last?
Can we begin to HOLD dear the possibility that limitations are a coward’s way through tough times?
I do not want to live the life of a coward.
I want to live brave and strong and hopeful and for that I need to identify my limitations. I need to keep trying to find a better way into a world that is free from Gender Violence.
We owe it to every single child, boys as well as girls.
Let them grow up in houses full of love and hope.
Let them have limitations like which new planet to inhabit, not the limitation of wondering if Mom will be “sick” today and who will help with dinner and homework.

Love and light,
Indrani

Two WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT….

August 28, 2013Uncategorizedanger, best, child, children, choices, Compassion, love others, next generation, parental guidance, parenting, parenting classes, protect your children, respect, right, right action, right speech, teach your children, two wrongs don't make a right, wrongIndrani Goradia

This was a saying that I used to hear while growing up in Trinidad, in The West Indies.

It was usually lobbed at me from a very angry parent, (read rageful) and it was usually because someone hit me and I hit them back.

I never understood why I should not defend myself.

Recently I visited my childhood home and as someone was telling a story about a child making a mistake, the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right” popped into my head.

The storyteller was relaying that a teenager had taken a dish into their kitchen and showed that the dish was still dirty.

A family member of the teenager then said, “Get the HELL out of the kitchen and put the damn cup down!”

The teller of the story was chuckling, gleefully, because the teenager had been “put in their place.”

In a flash, I was filled with anger and disgust and said, “Was it really necessary to curse and embarrass the teenager?”

The story teller was not at all pleased with the way their story landed on my psyche.

The storyteller did not see that yelling at children and publicly embarrassing them was not the way to teach.

It constantly amazes me that “mature” people still think screaming at children is the way to their hearts and minds.

Children need love, care, feeding and watering.

Parents, if you are still screaming, embarrassing and denigrating your children, please take as long as you need to look at your destructive behaviors.

You are destroying the next generation.

Please sign up for some parenting classes and I do not mean any of the “spare the rod, spoil the child” kind of classes.

I mean the class that shows you, the parent, that children are gifts from a divine source and that they are given to us to cherish and protect.

Love and light,

Indrani

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Tag Archives: child

Dancing Queen only 17…

UNLEARN your obedience……

What stinks?

Inspiring Women Wednesday….

When the invisible is finally seen… It can never again be hidden.

Fuel enough to burn through gravity!

Domestic Violence Awareness Month- Day 17

Domestic Violence Awareness Month- Day 16

Limitations, oh limitations where art thou?

Two WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT….

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