Tag Archives: choices

Updates from the Team: Philadelphia Training Recap

As part of our “Caring for the Caregivers” Program, our team travels to domestic violence-focused organizations and shelters to provide in person support and training around compassion fatigue and burnout. In March, our team was delighted to travel to Philadelphia to train over 50 Caregivers from multiple domestic violence organizations. Our founder, Indrani Goradia, was also able to attend one of the training days, providing more insight and care to our training participants.

Throughout the week we worked with staff in various arenas: medical advocates, hotline staff, legal advocates, administrators, therapists and housing advocates among others. We had lively discussions about the extraordinary situations staff encounter on a day-to-day basis and subsequently, how the pervasive stress leads to burnout and compassion-fatigue. Many of the staff shared that this stress has had an impact on their capacity to take care of the needs of their friends and family.

Our trainers actively listened and validated the Caregivers experience. We taught numerous tools designed to support staff with recognizing and setting boundaries, a fundamental practice of self-care. One staff person who has been in the field for two decades said of the boundary tools, “This has changed the way I look at everything.” We received consistent feedback that the visualization exercises were immensely helpful in preparing for having difficult conversations. An administrator commented “This exercise has helped me both personally and professionally.”

We take great joy in knowing our trainings are supporting Caregivers as they continue to do their work. For more information about our resources and support, visit our Caregiver Resources. We’re looking forward to our next training!

Who is Doing the Breaking?

“Are you trying to break families?” asked the principle of the school.

A few years ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to speak to a group of young women about violence.
During the talk, I asked the audience about violence in their homes and under what circumstances they would accept violence from future boyfriends and husbands. They all said they would not accept, but I knew better. One in three women will be abused in her life.
The sad truth is that women don’t really think about future violence and when they don’t put an end to it quickly, they begin to believe it’s too late.

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO WANT VIOLENCE TO END.
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO BEGIN TO LEARN THE TOOLS ON HOW TO END VIOLENCE.

At the end of the talk, the school principle asked the question that started off this blog post.

The ONLY answer to this question is this…
IT IS THE ABUSER WHO HAS BROKEN THE FAMILY full stop.

Live in peace at home

Love and Light,
Indrani

Piles of Trash Can Be Deceiving 

Look at photo number 1.


Looks like a pile of trash yes? No matter how many times you look at it or stare at it, it still looks like a pile of dirty tissues. 

Look at photo number 2.


See something peeking out?
 Look closely.
 It’s a gold bracelet. 

There are two lessons here:
Lesson One: NEVER wrap your jewelry in tissue paper for “ safe keeping.” 
Better to stuff it in your shoe so when you go to put them on, you will feel the sharp edge. Better yet
 put it in a safe or on your body!
Lesson Two: What looks like garbage to you may hold treasures for another. Let’s not judge what others hold precious, they have their reasons. Better to ask and be curious in a kind way. 


This Valentine’s Day Will You Put Flowers in Water To Keep Them Alive?


There was a time when I used to buy flowers and hang them upside down for them to dry. I had a notion that I could have a small business making dried floral arrangements. This illusion did not last long. 

These days I buy beautiful flowers and rush home to put them in water to keep them fresh. I take pains to prepare the water. I use a few drops of chlorine or a crushed baby aspirin in the water and I lovingly arrange the stems. I change out the water and try to make the flowers last as long as I can. 


I realize that taking loving care of the flowers with preparing the water is a lot like raising children. We try to give them an environment where they will thrive and bloom and grow up to be strong and kind. We pay close attention to how we behave around them, except for when we don’t.


If we live in an environment where there is violence, be it emotional or verbal or physical, and we pretend that it does not affect our kids, we are deluding ourselves. 
This year on valentine day if you get flowers or buy them yourself, ask yourself if you care if they live or die. 

If you don’t care then just throw them away. 

If you do care, notice how much attention you give to them. 

Our kids are our precious blossoms and they need nurturing and pretending that violence is not affecting them is lying to ourselves. Take a step back and access the situation and ask for help if you need it. It’s not easy to look at what’s really happening and making a few changes, but I guarantee you that it’s worth the time and effort. 

Love and light,

Indrani Goradia

Feeling Like A Broken Record

Can I tell you a secret?
Well, after I tell you, it’s no longer a secret!
Here it is…I AM SICK of saying the same thing.
What thing?

The ONLY thing that remains crucial to the health and welfare of the world and that is END VIOLENCE to WOMEN and GIRLS.Are you sick and tired of reading these messages from me? I would expect that you are. It’s Ok..I know you don’t mean you are sick and tired of me as a person.

If you are reading this, you probably like me. Know that I am also sick and tired of asking people to dissect their lives and find the ways where the violence is silent and insipid.

What areas? Here are just a few…Telling your daughter to lose weight because no boys will like her. Telling your self boys will be boys.Allowing your spouse to disrespect you.Allowing yourself to accept disrespect. Making excuses for religious institutions to treat women as second class citizens. Repeating lies like “ she must have been asking for it, look at how she was dressed” when you see or read about sexual and physical violence.

I could go on and on, but you are smart enough to get the idea.
Take an action to end violence, please.

Caring for the Caregivers: A Story and Meditation – What Does Change Mean to You? – Episode #23

You may want to get your journal out and take some notes as Indrani asks some important questions in this episode. Are you thinking about making a change in your life? What feelings come up for you during the change process? What does change mean to you?

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Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
01:49 What do you feel when undergoing change? What is change necessary?
03:35 When change needs to be birthed
05:26 Using your energy to fight back against change
07:59 Ask others about the change they see in you
10:25 Understand that change is a constant
13:00 Writing exercise – Change means…
15:20 Outro

Caring for the Caregivers: A Story – How to Say “NO” With the Feeling of Joy – Episode #21

This episode Indrani shares a personal story about problems with a “non-huggable” coat, being surprised by the perfect dress, and how saying “NO” to the little things and setting small boundaries is the key to making big changes to your relationships. Indrani also shares an awareness exercise you can use to observe your own boundaries and where you need to be saying “NO” in your daily life.

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Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
00:46 Indrani tells her story
06:29 Indrani shares lessons from the story
08:01 Indrani shares an awareness exercise
09:18 Summary
10:43 Outro

Caring for the Caregivers: A Discussion About “Option B” by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant – Episode #20 Part Two

Sheryl Sandberg wrote this book after husband died suddenly. The book explores how Sheryl and her children recover and rebound from the horrible event while building their reslience, finding greater meaning, and gaining a greater appreciation for their lives. This is part two of a longer discussion where Indrani, Amy, Stacie, and Jeremie share their takeaways from reading the book and how you can apply Sheryl’s lessons to the daily challenges you are experiencing at work and in your personal life.

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Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
00:57 Jeremie – Building resilience together
07:45 Discussion
09:52 Amy – Adding a bit of humour
15:03 Discussion
19:30 Conclusion
21:13 Outro

Links and Resources mentioned in this episode

BOOK: Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy

LINK: VIA Strengths Survey

Caring for the Caregivers: A Discussion About “Option B” by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant – Episode #20 Part One

Sheryl Sandberg wrote this book after husband died suddenly. The book explores how Sheryl and her children recover and rebound from the horrible event while building their reslience, finding greater meaning, and gaining a greater appreciation for their lives. In this episode Indrani, Amy, Stacie, and Jeremie share their takeaways from reading the book and how you can apply Sheryl’s lessons to the daily challenges you are experiencing at work and in your personal life.

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Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
00:50 Scenario
03:02 Indrani – Let’s kick the sh*t out of Option B
09:50 Discussion
15:53 Stacie – Kicking the elephant out of the room
17:15 Discussion
22:38 Outro

Links and Resources mentioned in this episode

BOOK: Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy

Hope

sky-1107952_640According to C. R. Snyder, hope is the trilogy of goals, pathways and agency.

Brene Brown says, “Hope happens when we can set goals, have the tenacity and perseverance to pursue those goals, and believe in our own abilities to act.”  In other words we choose to say something, do something and be something.

Aristotle says, “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”

Lots of people who witness abuse choose this trilogy… Do nothing, say nothing, be invisible.

The Buddhist saying, “what we resist, persists” applies here as well. When we resist naming our hurts, when we resist new pathways out of the pain, when we resist claiming our agency… the old pains and stuckness of thought and deed will persist.

Snyder says that “hope is learned.”

If we did not learn hope in our families of origin we must teach it to ourselves as we age and mature. We must, it is not an option.

Brene Brown says, “We have to resist and unlearn old habits and the tendency to give up when things get tough.”

I know I have quoted everyone here, but they say it so much better than I ever could.

I would love to know:

What old habit or hurt do you need to unlearn in your life so you can teach yourself hope?

 

Love and light,
Indrani