Tag Archives: choices

Screaming at the ocean…..

featured, homepage, , , , , , , ,

sunset_sailing via crystaldolphin

 

Have you ever sailed?

I used to sail a little as a teenager in Trinidad. A friend had a catamaran and a whole load of us would go out on the weekend.

Life was simple then!

Some of the things I remember from sailing is that someone would be in charge of the rudder and someone would be in charge of the sail. When the two worked together, the sailing was smooth and sweet. When the two started to argue, I was always losing my balance and falling overboard. For some reason, my two mates were always the same two loggerheads; Ray G. and Noel M. were their real names. I want them to know I remember that they were not always the best sailors in the world!

Good thing we are still friends and can have a good laugh now.

Remembering those days of treading water, endlessly, in the ocean, while Ray and Noel yelled at each other that it was the other’s fault, made me think of how I handled the situation.
I never yelled at the ocean, I always yelled at Ray and Noel, who in turn always laughed at me!
Last week as I was coaching someone, I heard myself say to her, “Stop Yelling at the Ocean!”

What did I mean?
This is what I meant….
When we begin to obsess that our life situations are someone else’s fault, we are yelling at the ocean.
When we find ourselves on high emotional seas and we forget how to use our sails (past lessons and personal responsibility for our own happiness) and our rudders (strengths and positive self talk) we blame the ocean for overturning our boats and for upending our lives.

If you find yourself wishing that OTHERS had acted differently and you wished that THEY would just do ______ (fill in the blank)_____ so that you could FINALLY get on with your life…..You are Yelling at the OCEAN!

Oceans do not have ears.
Oceans do not have feelings.
Oceans are there to help you to navigate to someplace else.

Have you caught yourself yelling at your oceans recently?
STOP!
Use all that energy to chart a new course and find good sailors to help you.
Ray and Noel if you guys ever read this, I still love you and I’m glad we had so much fun together. And know that I’m still treading water!

Love and light,
Indrani

Ms. Know-It-All…..

featured, homepage, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

images via lizaellenI was at a well known treatment center a few weeks ago and on the last day of my event I decided to eat breakfast on the lawn.

I usually ate in the cafe but on this particular day the weather was glorious and I wanted to savor the fresh air.
I sat at a table that was already occupied by two young women.
I immediately started to engage with them as is my way and we were having a sweet conversation.
Another woman joined us, and the party began.

Within 5 minutes, the new woman had chased away one of the original people and was expounding on how I should fix my life.

THIS woman KNEW that:
1. I was hanging around negative people.
2. I was deliberately choosing to hang around negative people.
3. I was clearly not making the right choices in friends.

Mmmmmm…. I wanted to:
1. Snap at her.
2. Throw my OJ at her.
3. Dig out my inner bitch and have at it.

Instead, I chose to turn my body away from her and engage with the other woman at the table.
Ms. Know-It-All then turned her attention to the woman I was talking to and proceeded to tell her how to fix her life.
This woman was just the most “knowledgeable” person I had met in quite a while.
She then told me to contact her and that she could help with my foundation.
I almost choked.
I smiled at her, and said “Have a good day” and went to class.

I congratulated myself for not losing my cool and for having the courage to be graceful about leaving the table.

Have you ever met people like this?
Some of these people are in our families and it’s not so easy to leave them behind.
There are, however, lots of people we continually choose to be around who are always “in our business.”
They know everything about everything. They are experts at philosophy, history, psychology, social skills etc. You name it, they have the answer!

I don’t know about you, but I am not in the market for any more Know-It-Alls in my life. I have had my fill of them. They were irritating then, and they are irritating now!

The difference in me is now I have the courage to leave and not CARE what they think of me.
I do not care if that woman thinks that she is JUST the thing I need to make my foundation reach one million people.
I will take my time, surround myself with people I admire and respect and LIKE, and I will reach the right amount of people in exactly the right time.
There is a KNOW-IT-ALL lurking around every corner, waiting for us to show the slightest interest in the wealth of knowledge and then…
They latch ON!

It is harder to extricate yourself from their clutches than it is to just leave them alone the first time you meet them.
I hope you meet some of these people soon and you can begin to practice the strength of believing in yourself.
These individuals give us the opportunity to stand firmly in our knowledge and allow them to expound to someone else.
If you meet one of these individuals at a party I recommend faking a bad stomach and getting the hell outta there.

I don’t know about you, but I believe that life is too short to waste precious time on people who just LOVE to hear the sound of their own voice.

Love & light,

Indrani

Cultivate LOVE…..

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

plant love via interactioninstitute.orgWhat is the meaning of Cultivation?

The dictionary says it is the process of trying to acquire or develop a quality or skill.

When you read the title “Cultivate Love”, what did you think?

Take just a few moments now to meditate on the words, CULTIVATE LOVE.

This is very much an action phrase, it implies activity and intention.

How can you cultivate SELF love?

Here are a few ways to increase the bounty of your SELF love:

1. Reduce self-judgment. Tell yourself you REALLY are doing the best you can.
2. Have a designated STOPPER…someone who will say “Hey, STOP that negative self-talk.” This means you have to have a conversation with a trusted person and tell them your game plan. In my own life, I am a STOPPER for many even though they don’t know it. I hear their negative self talk and I remind them of something that is great about them.
3. Plant a small, living plant and take excellent care of it. Research the right amount of sun and water it needs and devote yourself to its care. Be a good steward of a living thing.
4. Stand for a few breaths in the mirror every morning and tell yourself a few good things about you.
5. Look at my video called “What’s right with you?”.

Try these easy steps for a few days, then for a few more. Keep a journal of your thoughts around Cultivating Self Love and if you feel inclined, we would love for you to share your experience by leaving a comment below.

Love and light,
Indrani

Two WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT….

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Parents-Yelling-At-Teen via mothernews.comThis was a saying that I used to hear while growing up in Trinidad, in The West Indies.

It was usually lobbed at me from a very angry parent, (read rageful) and it was usually because someone hit me and I hit them back.

I never understood why I should not defend myself.

Recently I visited my childhood home and as someone was telling a story about a child making a mistake, the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right” popped into my head.

The storyteller was relaying that a teenager had taken a dish into their kitchen and showed that the dish was still dirty.

A family member of the teenager then said, “Get the HELL out of the kitchen and put the damn cup down!”

The teller of the story was chuckling, gleefully, because the teenager had been “put in their place.”

In a flash, I was filled with anger and disgust and said, “Was it really necessary to curse and embarrass the teenager?”

The story teller was not at all pleased with the way their story landed on my psyche.

The storyteller did not see that yelling at children and publicly embarrassing them was not the way to teach.

It constantly amazes me that “mature” people still think screaming at children is the way to their hearts and minds.

Children need love, care, feeding and watering.

Parents, if you are still screaming, embarrassing and denigrating your children, please take as long as you need to look at your destructive behaviors.

You are destroying the next generation.

Please sign up for some parenting classes and I do not mean any of the “spare the rod, spoil the child” kind of classes.

I mean the class that shows you, the parent, that children are gifts from a divine source and that they are given to us to cherish and protect.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

 

Hanging on to the buoys

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

image via newsdayWhen I was 49, I decided to learn to swim and to participate in an Olympic Distance Triathlon.
Yes, you read that right…learn to swim!
Even though I had grown up on an island, what I used to do in the ocean was not swimming. It was simply not drowning.

So on the day of the triathlon, I looked out over the lake at Disney World and I counted the buoys that marked the swim course.

The idea is to swim as close to the buoys as possible and use them as a guide to swim the distance of one mile.

My strategy was VERY different.

Since I had only learned to swim properly six months prior, I could not swim one mile in a single go.
I had practiced “buoy to buoy” so to speak.
I had also heard that swimmers were so eager to finish first that they kicked you in the face, kicked off your goggles and pretty much ignored that you we also trying to finish a race.

I remember the night before I left for Disney World I had a neighbor who had done many triathlons and I asked him for advice.
He said, with a smile, “So when’s the Tri?”
I smiled right back and said, “In two days.”
He shot up from his relaxed seated position and said, “WHAT?”
He seemed to think I had waited too long to ask for help.
So I asked him for just one piece of advice.
He said, “Be careful of the other swimmers. Wear two swim caps and sandwich your goggles between them, you may hold on to them longer. Swim away from the buoys and this will lessen the chance that you’ll get kicked in the face.”
I said, “Ok, see you in a week.”
He looked at me like I had lost my mind.
Well, I took his advice and I wore two caps, I sandwiched my goggles and I swam WAY away from the buoys (even as an amateur I know that this may have doubled my swim distance).

I was NOT kicked in the face.

I added my own bits of advice.
I swam buoy to buoy!
The WHOLE way!
Want to know what else I did?
I imagined that a childhood friend was standing on each of those buoys and they were TAUNTING me like they usually did.
I imagined them saying things like, “Indrani, you’ll never make it to the next buoy!”
I imagined myself cursing them and saying, “Watch me!”
I did this for about seven buoys.
The last two buoys were different.
All of a sudden all of my childhood tormentors were piled together on the last remaining buoys and they were screaming things like,
“You GO!”
“Don’t you DARE give up!”
“We BELIEVE in you!”
I even caught myself laughing out loud as I clung to the final buoy.

At that buoy, a young man in a canoe, came up and asked if I was tired and asked if I needed to hold onto his life float.
I told him I was tired and I was worried that I was swimming in zigzags so I was really using more energy than I needed to use.
He told me that if he saw me zigzagging he would slap the water with his paddle, I would hear it and look up and see how to correct my course.
He then said, “Ma’am, please don’t give up. All of us out here on the lake want you to finish. We are all rooting for you.”
I laughed at him and said, “I am from Trinidad, I turned 50 two days ago, I learned to swim six months ago and I am like the Jamaican Bobsled Team… I will never give up!”
He laughed and said, “Ok, see you on the beach.”

Dear readers, I finished dead LAST! But I finished.

Love and light,

Indrani

The FULL COURT PRESS… You CAN stand up to them!

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do you know what the phrase “full court press” means?

My novice understanding of basketball tells me it’s when the opposing team exports most of its players to guard your players the whole length of the court. Especially the greatest players on your team like the one who scores a lot or the one who is the 3 point expert…the player most like a young Michael Jordan. I think that Michael Jordan was the recipient of many a “full court press”.

When faced with the wrath of the opposing team, one must use all of one’s wiles and wits. One must pull every trick out of the hat…make any move, even if it seems counter intuitive. It’s either make a move (a swift move), find someone to pass the ball to or just go for the shot anyway, before the ref blows the whistle that you’ve held the ball too long.

Ok, big deal, why should you care about the theory of the full court press?

So glad you asked!

Let’s use our eagle eyes to zoom out from the basketball court and soar way above our lives and take some close looks at the predicaments that we have gotten ourselves into.

When you were a kid and another kid hurt you, did you want, even long for, your parents to come to your rescue? If the answer is yes, then you longed for the full court family press to save you because you could not save yourself. You wanted your team to surround you and help you to navigate the challenge at hand.

Did your parents ever go to your school to stand with you against an unfair accusation by a teacher? If so, you were the recipient of the Full Court Press. You see the full court press does not always work the way you want it to. You may not get the teacher to admit that they were wrong BUT you will have seen that your family came to your aid and that may be all that you needed. You were NOT being blamed by your people, only by the opposing team. Your people had your back!

The full court press can work in the exact opposite way.

Take for example, your spouse hits you, so bad that you had to go to the hospital. The doctor BY LAW must report alleged domestic violence. The police begin to question you and you finally break down and all the secrets come tumbling out. The secrets of many years can no longer be held in.

Be aware that the Full Court Family Press is about to be UNLEASHED on you. The press will probably be from the side of the battering spouse, maybe even the battered spouse side may jump in.

You may be pressed and pressured with words like;

He didn’t mean it.

What did you do to upset him?

What kind of mother are you to put your children’s father in jail?

What kind of wife are you to not know how to make your family happy?

What will the rest of the family say?

What will the priest/imam/rabbi/guru/scientologist say?

When you start being barraged by the Full court press, whose only goal is to get you to go back to being abused in silence, you MUST find someone on the outside that you can “send the ball” to.

This will be someone who wants to help you live a life of JOY.

This will be someone who understands your pain.

This will be someone who has your back.

The Full Court Press to repress your rights to a peaceful life may NEVER go away.

They may vow to make your life miserable and spread rumors about you throughout the town/village/Internet.

You cannot control their actions. You can only control your own actions.

So suit up and look around. Identify those on YOUR team and give them a heads up that you may be calling on them.

Gather your team slowly and purposefully. Don’t accept people who make you feel bad even when things are good. These people may not be able to hold your pain and be a part of your full court.

I hope this got you thinking about who is REALLY on your team.

You deserve a wonderful team.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Dancing with Wild Abandon

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

WomanDancingonPorch via chatelaine.comI had seen her many times during the past few months. She is small and cute and always smiling.

For some reason, she always hugged me as soon as she saw me and we exchanged pleasantries.

When she danced in Zumba her hair flew, her hips spoke volumes and her arms were as expressive as the rest of the Latin lovelies in the class. She used her hair as another appendage and her golden locks flew every which way.

I always admired her ability to move fluidly and effortlessly, as I stomped about and pretended to be effortless also.

A few days ago, she lingered a little longer and I asked what she did when she was not in Zumba. She said she had two little ones, ages 2 and 5 and she takes care of them. I was surprised since she seemed to be 16 years old!

We talked a few more minutes and she asked, “You work in shelters?”

I replied, “Yes, I do.”

Without erasing her smile she said, “I was in a shelter in 2011.”

I am not easily surprised and I usually am not in “work” mode when at Zumba.

I paused and said, “The same man or another man?”

She said, “The same man.”

She continued, “He is not so bad these days.”

Then she said, “That is why I dance, to forget.”

She walked away with a sweet “Bye.”

I looked at her as she left, wanting to run to her and say I will always be here for you.

I could not, she did not ask me for my help.

I took comfort in knowing that she felt comfortable enough to speak her truth and that she has found a way to forget and deal with her pain.

Cardio for her heart…Zumba now holds a whole new meaning for me.

 

Love and Light,

Indrani

Life is a series of paths…take them

Uncategorized, , , , ,

 

walking_alone via lifeundermicroscopeIf you take a meditative moment to chart your life you will see that you have arrived where you are by consciously or subconsciously taking a series of paths.

Some of them were clearly marked:

  • Elementary School
  • Middle School
  • High School

Maybe you ended right where those paths were going.

Maybe you changed your mind.

Make no mistake; you took another path, and another and many more.

Maybe you took a path called Marriage and ended up at a destination called Divorce.

Perhaps the College path led to Masters and PhD, maybe it led to Take a Break from College.

 

When you take a moment to reflect on your paths, be sure to congratulate yourself on all the ways you have been trying to find yourself and your Joy.

Only you can make these “turn on a dime” decisions.

If one decision is not working out, make another decision.

Your stash of decisions is limitless.

Your ability to “turn on a dime” is honed.

Your readiness for change is built into your DNA.

Take a new path and see where it leads… then take another.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Bricks are for building….NOT throwing at people!

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

one brick at a time via faithlifewomenI was having a lazy morning the other day and as I flipped through channels I came across one of those Judge shows.
I don’t remember who the judge was BUT I do remember what the case was.

Woman: He threw a brick at my car and broke my windshield.
Man: She made me do it, because she makes me so mad.
Judge: Tell me exactly what happened, Sir.
Man: She is always running around and makes me so jealous and she is always going out at night……
Judge to woman: Tell me Ma’am, do you go out a lot at night?
Woman: Yes your Honor, I am a party planner and I have to stay at the event. I have been doing this for 3 years and I keep telling him that I am not fooling around….

I could not believe what I was hearing…right in front of me was the unraveling of a relationship because of raging jealousy and out of
control anger. This woman was lucky that this man had not already maimed or killed her.

The woman said she had seen this out of control anger but kept trying to reason with him.

She kept telling him how faithful she was and he just never believes her.

SHE GOT LUCKY!
SHE GOT OUT!

All of the signs were there and she did not add them up, UNTIL the shit hit the fan…the BRICK hit THE CAR!

Thankfully the brick did NOT hit her!

Abuse starts and ends the same way:
1. Incident sets the abuser off
2. The act of abuse
3. The honeymoon phase.

Yes, it is that easy… there is always a trigger, the actual violence and the “Oh baby, I am so sorry”…

It is not so easy to leave, and that makes the abuser gain strength.
The longer you stay the more strength the abuser gains.

If someone is throwing, hitting, slapping, raping, dragging, cuffing, etc…try to get out.

Call the National Hotline…1-800-799-SAFE or visit http://www.thehotline.org/

Love and light,
Indrani

Life Imitating Cinema…..

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

this way via streetandstage.comI recently had a long flight and got a chance to watch some movies. The one that intrigued me most was Happiness Therapy.

Short version:

Guy seems to be bipolar, freaks out when he catches his wife having shower sex and has a big fight with the shower sex guy. Wife leaves him. He is released from a Psych hospital to live with his parents and he is hyper-focused on getting his wife back. His father is a bookie and has major OCD issues, expects the son to just sit and hold two remotes while the Eagles play whoever they are playing. Guy meets a girl who is also struggling with her issues and invites him to be her dance partner in a competition, in exchange for giving the ex wife a letter.

As I watched it, I was mesmerized by how simple the lesson was for the world.

Here is my take….

This guy is struggling to deal with his mental stuff and trying to think of ways to get back his wife. The girl gives him a chance to help her fulfill one of her dreams and with that promise, he begins to think of someone other than himself and to think of something other than the ex wife.

He practices the dance moves constantly and he is physically exhausted and seems to be getting more mental clarity.

The girl shows him how to tap into real emotion and how to sit with the feelings, also how to bring the emotions to the dance floor.

Meanwhile his father talks him into going to the stadium, where he gets into another fight and he gets arrested.

His father makes a bookie bet on what score he will get in the dance competition and puts additional pressure on his son.

Lessons for all of us

  1. Do something significant for someone else.
  2. The something must be out of our comfort zone, so we can rewire our brains.
  3. Stay away from people who try to put us back into their dramas, even if those people are family.
  4. Do our best in the new commitment and with feeling and purpose.
  5. When people make bets on whether we do well or not, ignore them, they are toxic.
  6. Give wholeheartedly to the people we are helping.

 

I know that this blog may seem a little “pie in the sky” but it is really a good formula for permanent change.

Watch this movie, Happiness Therapy…it may help to cement these lessons.

Love and light,

Indrani