Tag Archives: choices

I used to feel like Sisyphus….

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You know Sisyphus, the legendary King of Corinth. He was doomed to rolling a heavy rock up a hill. The hell of this task was that as he neared the top of the hill the rockGirls can do anything! rolled down again!

Over and over and OVER!!!

What kinds of Sisyphean tasks do you do over and over? You haven’t even been cursed, like Sisyphus, and you can most likely list many!

Maybe we curse ourselves.

We pick up the same stupid argument and we KNOW where it will end.
Yet, we don’t seem to want to take a different route.

Maybe we feel we don’t know how to take up a different task.
Over the next week, notice what “tasks” you are taking up and ask yourself if you have done them before.

Remember that a Sisyphean task is DOOMED to being repeated. It is the kind of task that has no natural end.

Good luck with the noticing.

Love and light
Indrani

Quit your CFU job….

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Don’t worry….there are no curse words in CFU, it means CHIEF FIXER UPPER.2superwoman via annesadovsky
How do you know that you have been promoted to this exhaled position?
Well, it’s the subtle signs;

  • only you can find the cold cuts in the fridge
  • only you can pick up socks from the floor
  • only you can load a dishwasher
  • only you can go to the grocery
  • only you can make an effort at a peaceful relationship

Get the idea?
I am sure that you can come up with a few more examples from your own life.

Did you apply for this job?
If you did, what was the job description like?
Was it a one liner that sounded like, “FIX MY LIFE NOW and FOREVER”?

Check out the Mary Oliver poem called THE JOURNEY.

I believe that Mary Oliver found herself in the CFU job and she had to quit.
I think that her poem was her resignation letter.

What would your resignation letter look like?
It can be a Poem.
It can be a short letter.
It can be a long profound thesis with tons of explanations and life examples… but this may make you more upset when you remember all the stuff that you CHOOSE to take on.

Wait?

What?

CHOOSE to take on?

Uh huh, choose. It may sound harsh that I am telling you to choose to take it on, but really did someone hold a gun to your head to make you do it? If the answer is yes, that a GUN was held to your head, make immediate plans to leave that environment.

So now, let’s just see how you got THAT thankless job.

Were you always a fixer? Were you a “born” helper? Did you get lots of pats on the back for always having the solution? Were people always calling you up so you could fix their issues? Do you feel useless if you are not fixing something or someone?

What would happen if you simply STOPPED all the fixing?
Who would you be upsetting?

Make a list of all the significant folks in your life and put a Y or an N next to their names if they would be upset or not? Then add up all the No people and tell them THANKS for all the support they have given you. Thank them for not expecting you to be the constant Fixer.

Now for the YES people, what to do with them?
The truth is that the issue is with YOU, not them. You have not been able to say NO to these folks who expect you to fix everything. You have trained them to expect you to fix it all.

It may sound harsh but we really do train others how to treat us.
We train them by not speaking our truth.
We train them by not being able to say a NO that respects both them and ourselves.
We train them by assuming that if we do just one more thing, they may leave us alone.
We also assume that we are teaching them something, like maybe how to do it themselves the next time.
They learn nothing but “there she goes again” taking this new load of “crap” off my plate.

A dear friend of mine was on a professional coach call yesterday and a significant member of her family (a grown up), interrupted her to say that SHE needs to call the insurance company to get something done.
Why does SHE need to call?
Why did he interrupt her?

Easy answer…..she trained him over the course of many years to expect that she would “fix” all that was broken, not working, or just plain pissing him off.

Yes, she has a great strength, which is to find solutions, but what do we teach others when WE are the only ones to find the solutions?
What happens when people are so dependent on us and we fall ill or die?
We leave them in a lurch and we leave them helpless.
It may be better if we teach them how to fix their own issues so that both people can take full responsibility for the smooth running of the family.

I know that it is easier said than done. I understand that the people you care about may get angry and say some hurtful things.
What I am asking you to do is to care for yourself and your physical, mental and emotional health as much as you care for theirs.

One of my favorite quotes is this one from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter to us.”

What things matter to you?
I invite you to speak them to a trusted friend, not complaining about all that you must do, but rather, what steps you will take to do less and have the able bodied people in your life do more.

Love and light,

Indrani, Former CFU.

Anatomy of Disappointment…..

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What happens to us when we feel disappointed? We know that we feel let down or ignored or invisible, and a host of many other feelings….but WHY?waiting via thinkstock
What causes me to feel so let down?
Something quite disappointing happened to me a few weeks ago and in the midst of a tsunami of feelings, I kept asking myself….
What is my lesson here?
I have to admit that I am sometimes sick of the lessons. Just when I think everything is fine, WHAM…another damn lesson!

Disappointment is usually a surprise. If it is not a surprise and you are expecting to be disappointed, that is a habitual way of living. If we are in relationships where we are usually disappointed, then that is more about the choices we are making, as opposed to what the other people are doing.

Let me break it down like this.
Let’s say that I make frequent lunch dates with Jackie and she is ALWAYS late and I am always disappointed. Why do I continue to make lunch dates with Jackie?
Maybe I need to ask Jackie if lunchtime is bad for her and decide on a better time.
Maybe Jackie really likes me and really wants to meet with me, but is afraid to suggest another time because she thinks I am super busy.
It is incumbent upon me to have a real conversation with Jackie so we can set up better times to meet.
If, however, Jackie laughs and tells me she is always late, then we have another issue.
I have had people tell me that they are always late and they laugh it off. I usually say that I find it rude and selfish for people to think that being late is “just the way it is.”

Disappointment is part of life and it is up to us to handle the everyday disappointments with finesse and humanity. We have to be able to forgive and get on with what’s important. If the disappointments keep piling on and they are from the same people, then you have to have a “powwow” to find out the root cause.

If you do nothing, nothing will change.
We are in charge of our lives and we teach people how to treat us.

Love & light,

Indrani

OBEY….

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Such a small word….yet, so many hidden consequences.

I do not know if modern wedding vows still tell a woman to obey her husband…this always bothered me.
Who decided that “certain” groups should OBEY certain other groups?
Children should obey their parents, even when the parent says to NOT tell the truth about sexual abuse within the family?
Wives should obey husbands, even when they are being instructed to do demeaning and sub-human activities? Or being treated like a slave, not receiving any respect or shown any kindness?

When abuse is taking place within a family system, this concept of OBEY becomes extremely problematic.
Should we obey to the point of emotional death?
Should atrocious acts against our person be allowed to continue because our Holy texts admonish us to OBEY?
Should we continue to accept the truck loads of blame dumped on to us because standing up to the in-house bullies will be seen as treason and disobedience?
Is keeping the family secrets more important than treating ourselves with love and kindness?

These are questions we must all answer for ourselves.

I hope you chose to treat yourself with kindness and respect even if those with whom you live refuse to give you the time of day except when they yell, shout and berate you.

It takes great courage to look at your tear stained face in the mirror and say to yourself, “No more will I accept this treatment, these hateful words and this constant barrage upon my soul.”

May you be blessed with courage, vast and strong.
May you be blessed with compassion for yourself.
May you be filled with self empathy and self resilience.
May your heart be free of all past burdens.

Love and light,
Indrani

Spit in my face? What does that mean?!

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When you spit in my face…what does that mean?ashamed-woman via zawaj.com

A few weeks ago, I saw a man spit in a woman’s face.
He straightened up and spit, aiming right for her face.
She was stunned.
She froze and she looked like a deer in the head lights.

What was he trying to communicate?
What words would he have chosen if he had chosen to speak words instead?
What could he have been thinking when he CHOSE to spit in her face?

Will she choose to go back to him?
Will she choose to forget her humiliation and her embarrassment?
Will her friends and family make her feel like she should put it behind her?
Will she succumb to the voices that say it may have been her fault?
Will people expect her to explain her behaviors?

What else might he do?
What other insults has she or will she suffer?
When is it enough?!

What have you been exposed to that has made you feel like this woman?
When will enough be enough?

Who can decide?
ONLY YOU.
Only YOU.

Love and light
Indrani

Fair fight…..if only!

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Fair fight…..if only!women-working-out1 via blog.itriagehealth

Yes, if only all of our fights could be fair and above the belt.
That’s so hard to do though, isn’t it?

We feel attacked and we strike back.
It’s that old fight or flight, right?
I can either run away or I can slam you right back.

Are there other choices?

There are other choices….but only for those who REALLY want to change.
There are other choices….but only for those who understand that they can only change themselves.
There are other choices….but only if you intend to invest the time to build a new muscle.

Have you ever gone to a gym and started a weight training program?
Did you start with the MOST weight on the rack?
If you did, did it work out for you?
I hope that you started out with smaller weights, even 3 lbs…especially for the small muscles like the triceps.
The small muscles fatigue a lot quicker than the larger thigh or butt muscles.

Let’s expand this triceps training metaphor to your resolve to fight fair.
When you start, the resolve is small and you can only hold the fight fair tenets for a short time. Then you fall back into the old habits that you have down pat.
You lob name for name, insult for insult and then you choose your partners weakest spot and WHAM! Then one of you falls first, and the other feels vindicated.
If you were to verbalize what the original fight was about you might not even remember.
Your head would be filled with “well she said my mother is horrible” or “how dare he say that I am a bitch?”

The list is endless.

The real issue is again buried under the rubble from this most recent battle.

So do you give up?
If you do what will happen?
Things will not change.
You will feel the same way next week, next month and next year about the things that irritate you today.

How then do you withstand the emotional onslaught without striking back?
It is as simple as a DECISION to STOP the WAR!
I mean STOP contributing to the war.
I mean stop the lobbying of the insults.
I mean SHUT UP!
I mean to walk out of the room.
I mean to withdraw your emotional investment from the fight at hand.
I also mean to STOP pretending that anyone is actually winning!

The pretense that there is actually a winner in all this personal rancor and nastiness is epic!
Epic Pretense is pretending that nasty will get your loved ones to:
1. Love you the way you want
2. Give you compliments
3. Clean up their mess
4. Do whatever you say they should do.

When is the best time to start these new action items?

Well, it would be great if you (the warring parties) could have a peaceful conversation when there is nothing “hot” going on.
Then together you can decide on some ground rules.
If there is no chance for a peaceful conversation, then YOU have to take the high road and begin to implement the peace treaty by yourself.
How can that look?
You can tell yourself that you will not accept name calling. If it happens you will leave the room.
You can also decide that cursing is not allowed in your home and if it happens you will leave the room.
These changes will not be magically manifested…you will have to work at it (like starting with the 3 lb weights during a tricep exercise). You will tire easily, but keep it up.
Slowly you will see that changes are occurring and then you will have to take a deeper look at what it all means for the rest of life.

There is a lot of work that goes into lifting 3lbs with your triceps to being able to lift 35lbs. It is possible, but only with consistent training and proper care of your whole body.
Likewise, it is possible to stop being at war with each other, but only if it is something you really want. You must want it as surely as you want a plentiful supply of oxygen and clean water.
Oxygen and water are essential to living.
Fighting fair is essential to a LIFE worth living!

Love and light,
Indrani

Follow the leader….

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Follow the leader….

I have always liked to be the leader, to be the big dog, to set the example.  I have been this way for my entire life.

During my climb of Mt. Kilimanjaro I had to learn to accept that I could not be the leader.  Altitude sickness affected my climb from the start.  I was forced by my physical abilities to be at the end of the line.  I could not set the pace.  I could not inspire others to follow.  I could only trail behind others… which is an unusual position for me to be in.

As I followed, it was my ego that hurt more than my oxygen-starved body.
I wanted to say:
– I can carry my own back pack.
– I can step up to the challenge.
– I can do it myself.

But I could not.

I was forced to follow.

I accepted my back-of-the-pack position.  I watched and I learned.

I watched the guides.  Where were they stepping?  They stepped where they knew the footing was firm. I learned and stepped where they did. I moved easier.
How fast were they hiking?  They knew the trick was “pole, pole”, slowly, slowly.  I learned to move slowly and deliberately.
It was not my job to encourage the team…it was their job and I accepted their encouragement for myself.

Too many times I think people with “type A” personalities put themselves into leadership positions out of habit… when in fact, if us “A’s” could step back and follow more often we could learn a lot from those in front.

Now that I am off of the mountain and not in such an extreme environment, it will be interesting to see if I can step back and let someone else lead and try to learn from their example.

Can you think of situations when you should have followed?
And, next time do you have the courage to let someone else lead?

OCCUPY your LIFE….

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We have all heard about the OCCUPY movement.
If you have not, it is easy to get information from Google.
In a nutshell, it is a protest against the “1%” by the “99%” and the fight is for more equality.

Occupy, for us means what Willie Shakespeare advised us so many years ago… “To thine own self be true.”
So many of us do not know what it means to be true to self.
So many of us look to others to find who we are.

Remember the movie The Runaway Bride with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts?
In that movie, Richard’s character tells Julia’s character that she does not even know what kind of eggs she likes. It seems that her favorite egg dish is determined by the man she currently loves. She gets really pissed off, but in the end she makes eggs all different ways and decides for herself.

This is what we must do. We must act as scientists and experiment. We must play both roles and we have to be an independent observer also.

How do we do this?
We have to be careful to not allow others to define who we are.
We have to be careful to not get caught in a pigeon hole set by others.

What can this look like?
People can try to tell us that we are not allowed to do something or that women can’t do certain things.
There was a time in the US when women were not allowed to vote!
Can you imagine that there was a time when men thought women were too feeble to vote?

I like to wonder what we will challenge today to help future generations of women.

Occupy Your Life. Now Is The Time.
Take the time, invest in self discovery and begin to lay all of your talents on the line.

Really…there is no time to lose.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Teachers, your words have tremendous power…

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I just heard an 18 year old on THE VOICE whose singing made me smile.

What he said about is 8th grade teacher, however, made me cringe and weep.

She told him he would never amount to anything!

Blake Shelton said “SCREW HER!” Adam Levine asked “What’s her name?” The classy young man decided not to reveal the teacher’s identity and said “I do not want to do that”.

I hope she knows that she has LET DOWN her entire profession.

Why do some adults act like the children that they are supposed to be helping? An 8th grader may act up, be mouthy and whatever else… that is a rite of passage. He/she at least has an excuse….THEY ARE CHILDREN!

What excuses do the adults give themselves when they show these kids what adults are NOT.

For everyone who reads this, you probably have a memory of a teacher who was less than supportive. Take this moment to send light to that person as you pat yourself on your own back for having the courage to not give up.

If you did give up because of what some idiot teacher said, send them healing light and clothe yourself in light. You are bright and brilliant and you deserve all the success you desire.

Love & light,

Indrani

Take your OWN pulse…

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Have you ever embarked on a training regimen where you were required to stop every so often to take your pulse?
Why do you think the trainer or teacher makes you do this?
Well…it’s a heart health thing, right?

There are ranges of the pulse that are healthy and ranges that are not. When your pulse is too high it can be unsafe to continue whatever you are doing and you must STOP and rest…maybe even sit down for a while until the pulse levels off.

I believe that we also have an energetic pulse. The energetic pulse takes its cue from our surroundings and how we feel about what is going on around us. If I walk into a room and everyone is silent, they may be mad at each other or they may be in silent meditation. One feels different from the other. One environment feels cold and charged and the other feels calm and peaceful. If you grew up within a religion that teaches “meditation is a way to let the devil in” then you may be afraid to be in that space even though it is peaceful. On the other hand, if you grew up with chaos and screaming and ‘The Silent Treatment’ was always being doled out, it may feel familiar and comfortable and you may not even care about the coldness in the room.

Each one of us brings our own interpretation to every event we encounter. Our interpretations have been informed by our past experiences, and they in turn, inform our assessments of the situation.

We must learn to take our energy pulse and ask ourselves what we are feeling, where we are feeling and how these feelings are playing a role in the situation.

Let me give you a simple example:
I walk into a room and someone is there. They are reading and they look up and nod their head.
I can interpret that many ways.
I can feel ignored that they did not say hi.
I can feel good that they nodded and recognized me.
I can be upset that they did not jump off the sofa and embrace me.
I can be grateful that they are giving me space to calm down after a long day.

All of the above are possibilities. How I decide what to feel is based on my past experience.
If I grew up with extroverts who were always hugging and chattering then the silence would seem odd to me and I might be upset. If I grew up with introverts, then I may feel quite comfortable and have no issue with it.

If we begin to take our own pulses and investigate what the energy means, we may be able to come to more peaceful interpretations of the circumstances we find ourselves in. We may just give ourselves a break and that could be really great for our hearts.

Love and light
Indrani