Tag Archives: choices

A Thousand Words…What the movie taught me.

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I was recently on a flight and saw the movie A Thousand Words, it was funny and introspective at the same time.

I did not expect introspection from Eddie Murphy.

The premise of the movie (spoiler alert) is that Eddie Murphy’s character has 1000 words left and when he reached this quota, he will die.
There is an outer manifestation of this which is a tree in his back yard that loses a leaf with every word he speaks.
He loses three words (and three leaves) if he says “I love you.”
This becomes very problematic not only at work, but with his wife, to whom he cannot express his love because he does not want to die.
If he writes a word, the leaves also fall.

Ok, so it’s a movie and it all works out in the end!
BUT, what if it could be true?
Do you know how many words you have left?
This of course presupposes that you know how many years you have and you know how many words you will speak each day.
A daunting mathematical problem!

How many years do I have left?
I know not.
I have this moment.
What I choose to say in this moment can be uplifting or off putting.
It can be humorous or humorless.
It can be stated without judgment or it can be accusatory.
I can whisper or shout.
I have a plethora of choices.

How do I decide?
I have to KNOW who I am and how I want to show up in the world.

I have to know ME!
I have to be true to me.
I have to fight the lethargy that comes with everyday living and the urge to be “fed up” with knowing myself. I have to be ON.
That takes at first a conscious decision to be true to me, then it becomes like breathing.
It becomes a living testament to the William Shakespeare quote “to thine own self be true.”
I must live, To MY own self be true.

I recently had someone forward me a text that they received from another person.
This person just sent the text. They did not say what they wanted me to do with it.
I had to wonder, what should I do here? Should I ignore it, therefore ignore the person who sent it to me?
Should I comment?
I chose to comment, but with humor.
Why? Because I have chosen to try and find the lesson or the humor in my experiences.
How did the recipient take it? I do not know!
What did I accomplish?
Only being true to “MY OWN SELF.”

It’s a long and winding road, indeed.

Love & light,

Indrani

Wishing for the Sound of Silence…

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Sing the following words to the tune of the Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel…

“Hello story my old friend
I’ve come to fondle you again
Because your lies have me trapped in
The same old paths that are in my brain
And the stories, never give me any peace, any peace,
Wishing for the sounds of silence”

Ok, so I am not a real lyricist…. but I do pretend to be one once in a while.

My teacher and mentor Dr. Martha Beck, tells us that we all have a tendency to ‘story fondle.’ You know, telling the same dramatic story over and over again and looking for people to agree and to commiserate.  If someone challenges our story, we tend to become defensive and lash out or sulk in a corner.

How DARE they not believe us?
Who do they think they are?
What right do they have to say that my truth may in fact be just a story?

Ask yourself this, have you told many someones the same story over and over?
Why do you feel compelled to repeat old stories?
Ask yourself, “Do these stories bring me joy?”

I know whereof I speak, I have used this technique, and it only kept me stuck.
I got tired of being stuck.
The only way I could free myself was to consciously not tell the story. Not ever.
I did vent in therapy where I could get some insight, but other than that I started to create new themes.
It is not easy to step out of the story.
The stories are familiar, and on a strange level…even comforting.
You know every word, where to place charged emphasis and where to shed a tear.
We are academy award winners in our own plays.

Do you need a different way?
Are you tired of being angry and sad?
Yes?
Change the stories.
Make them comedic monologues instead of dramas.
Put on a costume and tell the story from that character’s point of view.
Tell the story with a fake accent and crack yourself up.
Do anything.
Do something different.
If you don’t, who will?

Love and light,
Indrani

The SCALE said…

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The SCALE said…you are a failure.

The month of June 2012 had been magical both personally and professionally.
I embarked on a great training regimen of biking, pilates, dance and fast walking.
I began to have a renewed awareness of what went into my mouth. I tried to reduce “eating meditations” and instead, focused on “chewing meditations.” I chewed slower and tried to be aware of the flavors and the textures of the food while being grateful for strong teeth that facilitated healthy chewing. I put down the knife and fork between bites, to savor the food in my mouth and not have the other bite hovering.

I increased my community service by joining some boards. My Live a Brighter Life training program had officially launched and my beautiful, sleek new training manuals were in hand. My family was healthy and my kids were happy.

Then…. I returned from one of my weekends in Atlanta and I stepped on the scale!

Immediately all if the above disappeared from my mind because I had not lost any weight.

I heard that old familiar voice in my head, “Ummm…..so you are still fat and you think you’re doing so much exercise. When you’re speaking in front of groups of people they probably think you’re too fat to know anything.”

I was amazed at how quickly I began to criticize myself and how eager I was to believe the lies.

So I stopped and thought about how GOOD I am.

I had to remind myself that my work is making a needed difference in the lives of women who are suffering from DV.

I had to remind myself that my energy levels are up and that my body is working well and supporting me in my work.

I had to remind myself that I am doing my best at this moment and I will continue to do my best.

I had to remind myself that a few numbers on a scale does NOT define me.
I define me.

I wanted to tell you this little story because I know that this has probably happened to you as well.

When you hear those familiar voices putting you down…STOP them!
Begin a list of all the good things that you are doing.
Write them down and read them over and over and BELIEVE them.

If you don’t pull yourself out of that darkness, no one will.

Love and light,
Indrani

The story of Tatty…

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I first heard about Tatty from a dear friend. Tatty was in an abusive marriage for 11 years.

She was not allowed to work and her husband was an alcoholic. She faced his wrath nightly.
My friend, Jackie, told me that from time to time Tatty would call her in the middle of the night and beg for help. Jackie could hear him screaming and the children crying in the background. Jackie would sometimes go over to try to ease the situation, until I advised her that she should not go and should instead call the police. I advised Jackie that she had to take care of herself and her own family.

Jackie has four lovely children and they need her to be alive.

Over the years, I would ask about Tatty and offer Jackie some more tips on how to help her. I made it clear that it was Tatty who needed to stand up and seek help. Tatty made several attempts to flee, but the husband would apologize and she would go back. About four months ago, Jackie told me that Tatty called again at 3am.

Jackie told her to call the police.
This time, Tatty did call the police.
I advised Jackie to tell Tatty to leave the city and find shelter far away from her abuser.

Fast Forward to today, Jackie tells me:
1. Tatty has the first job of her life.
2. Tatty now feels useful not useless as she had been told.
3. Tatty’s abuser calls every day, screaming at her to come back and says it’s the last time he will call.
4. Tatty is strong enough to say ok, I am NOT coming back.
5. Tatty says that she has never been happier and that all the kids are in school and are happy too!

What an amazing woman Tatty is! What courage! What strength! She is WOMAN; hear her roar in defense of her kids and herself.

If you are being abused, you can take some advice from Tatty.
What did she do?

She reached out for help, left the city and went hours away from her abuser.
She made sure that she had a police record of the abuse.
She made sure that her kids were settled in their new school.
She got a job that she likes.

Tatty is a restaurant worker and is happy at her place of employment.
She goes to work knowing that she is free and peaceful and that her kids are safe.

Tatty finally raised her voice and roared NO MORE ABUSE!

You can take some small steps to help yourself but be sure your abuser is NOT aware of what you are doing. Call your local shelter for tips on how to get away safely.
Millions of women are abused yearly, and thousands escape to safety.

Know that there is a large support network out there for you, whatever your choice may be.

Take care of yourself and reach out for help.

Love and light
Indrani

Choices, roles and other mysteries…

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These days the word “choice” has a bad rap. It can only mean that we are on one side of a heated debate about women’s health. This blog is NOT about that choice, so please don’t feel like you must run for cover, find a picket sign, or shout “You go girl”!

This piece is about the choices we make every day that mold the life we eventually live. This is about all those little unconscious choices, like the 6th piece of cheesecake or the 4th affair or the decision to drive from Houston to Florida in order to shoot the girlfriend of your lover. Remember the female astronaut who was married and having an affair but was pissed off that her single lover had another girlfriend? I have to believe that her brain was offline…that is the only possible way that a woman who was brilliant enough to be one of the few to have gone into space could be cloudy enough to do what she did.

So, it is settled, smart people make stupid decisions!

I know that YOU are smart, so how can we make you immune to stupid mistakes?
I use the word ‘immune’ quite loosely, because I do not believe we can be completely immune to stupid mistakes.
We can, however, remember what is truly valuable to us so that we have a better chance of surviving the attack of “what was I thinking?”

My definition of personal values is a daily dose of remembering who we are at the core of our being and promising ourselves to stay true to that vision of who we are.
What kind of person do you wish to be known as?
Do you want to be the type of person who sneaks around having affairs and lying to your family?
Do you want to be the type of person who beats your spouse behind closed doors?

Staying present to your core values and your knowledge of what is right or wrong is one of the better ways to not stray from being a good and decent person.
It means that you hold true to your core beliefs in every decision you make.
You do not scream at others while saying you hate it when people scream at you.
It means that you weigh your responses before you fly off the handle and then ask for forgiveness.
It means that you respect others as you would expect to be respected.

The mystery of why we humans act more like animals than the rational beings we are is quite beyond me.
Why do we abuse woman and children?
Why do clergy sexually abuse little children?
Why are there so many instances of domestic violence and why do we make excuses for such behaviors?

Our choices and the roles we choose for our lives should not be made in a vacuum. It should not be a mystery as to why we continue to make the same insane mistakes. It should not cause us to scratch our heads in disbelief and not know why we do what we do.

Let’s make choices for ourselves that will allow us to enjoy the mystery of life that surrounds us. The mysteries of nature, the mysteries of love and the mysteries of the love we feel when we see children smile. Let’s make informed choices so that we can be surrounded by sweet mysteries…not by insane mysteries of uninformed decisions that are made when brains are offline.

Love & light,

Indrani

Be prepared…

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While growing up in Trinidad, West Indies, I was a Girl Guide. I was a troop leader and I guess, in hindsight I did learn a few things that have stuck.

The most important thing I learned was to BE PREPARED!

For what?

For what life brings.

Now it does not always work out that we can be prepared. Lord knows life has a way of throwing curve balls.

BUT, there are some things that are absolutely clear and the stuff you need is very apparent.

Going to swim? You need a suit, unless it’s skinny dipping time!

Going to lunch? You need money, unless someone else is paying.

Going to a conference with thousands in attendance for which you paid a hefty price? You need BUSINESS CARDS!!!!

I was recently at a conference with 1000+ attendees and almost 50% of the people I gave my card to said some version of “I left my cards at home”!

What does this have to do with you?

It all comes down to setting an INTENTION.

When you decide to do something, what is your intention?

Do you have a clear vision for what it is that you are doing?

For example, do you have a clear intention for that email that you want to send to a friend who always bothers you?

Do you have a set intention for dealing with the boss who always berates you in public?

As humans, we tend to allow our fears or our excitement cloud our bigger vision.

Folks were so excited to come to the conference that they lost track of the importance of leaving a trail…their business card.

Not only must you leave a trail, you must leave an impression. So you have to KNOW why you are attending and what you want from the conference.

If it’s just an excuse for a vacation then that is okay because that’s the intention. Accept it and speak it; give it voice and energy.

If your brain goes on freeze mode when you see your boss approaching, you must practice how to unfreeze your brain when you are not with your boss. Get a trusted friend to role play with you.

The point is, if you do not have a clear picture of how you want things to go, how can you get the help/resources you need to move ahead?

So make your plans and BE PREPARED!

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Am I fired?

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A few weeks ago I received an email from someone I barely knew regarding my classes in which she has never attended.
Her information came from some of those who had taken my class. These people had some sensitive nerves touched and decided their pain was my fault! The email was mean spirited and made accusations that were untrue.

What was I going to do?
Was I going to retaliate?
Was I going to react?

The first thing I had to do was control my mind chatter and control my emotions. I felt the tears stinging at the edges of my eyes and I blinked them back. After a while the tears did not need to show themselves. I got hold of my thoughts and I formed my next steps.

I decided that my steps would be based on my TRUTH.
My deepest truth about the work that I do is that IT IS NECESSARY! The pain of an abuse victim pales in comparison with the slight pain that I was feeling.

I asked myself, “Indrani, how far would you go to reach a woman who needed to hear what you have to say about resilience and courage?”
My answer was “as far as I need to.”
So how far would I go to reach the women that I had come to reach?
I replied to the email and decided that I would go as far as I could go without damage to myself.
What kind of damage? EMOTIONAL damage!

So I took that mean spirited email as a CASE study and I sent myself to NEGOTIATION school.
I had taken a class in negotiating a few months ago, so I began to apply the principles.
A negotiation is a two way street where everyone compromises and therefore wins.
So what did I want to WIN?
I wanted to win a chance to share something with the women.
What did this boss lady want to win? I had no idea!
I only had the email to guide me so I looked at what they were AFRAID of.
I charted what I read alongside what my true work was.
I very carefully began to craft my response and I held in my heart the women who would be in my class.

I did the class that afternoon for 2.5 hours and returned the next day for 3.5 hours. The women that took part asked me to stay longer. They even called the boss lady to ask and she said NO. She said that “they were not ready”.

How did she know?
I have no idea!
They felt sad and I left.
I felt like both she and I won.
I won the respect of the women and she won the time frame constraints.

As I write this I am resting in my hotel room, looking at THE VOW.
It seems like a great title because it lines up with the VOW I made to myself to honor my truth.

Love, light & truth,

Indrani

What is your heart feeling?

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What are my eyes seeing?
What are my ears hearing?
What is my body feeling?

Whenever I find myself in a precarious position, whether within the family or in a business meeting, I try to answer the aforementioned questions.

It is not often that I have tons of time to really dive deep, but the simplicity of the questions allows the answers to float up into my mind.

Let’s create a scenario.

I have been asked to do something and I have done it to the best of my ability. I did it willingly and with an open heart. The event is over and I am sitting to rest and recover.

Someone walks into the room and says, “Yesterday went really well, but…”

Whoa!!
I was not expecting the BUT.

In this example, I can ask:

What are my eyes seeing?
My eyes are seeing a loved one standing in front of me with a cup of coffee.

What are my ears hearing?
My ears just heard BUT.
What else did my ears hear?
My ears heard that yesterday went well.

What is my body feeling?
My body is feeling heavy.
Why is my body feeling heavy?
My body feels heavy because I am expecting an insult, criticism or a “you should’ve done this.”

Ok…so there is it…I have created my own stress!
What do I do now?
If I really think that the event went well I can say, “YES, it was awesome” with such confidence that maybe the BUT will fall away!
Or maybe the BUT will still be offered, but it will not be about you.
It may be about them.
You can even say,
“I am not ready for any buts at the moment, so let’s save it for later.”

It really is up to each of us to do our best, stay out of thought clusters that mess with our hearts and to be compassionate to ourselves.

It is NOT in anyone’s interest to be as kind to me as I can be to myself.

So, what is your heart feeling when you show love and kindness to yourself?

Love & light,

Indrani

Re-purposing behaviors…I want that!

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A couple of months ago I spoke with writer Paul Carr about his journey to quit drinking. I know that he has created some controversy and this post is not taking sides on those issues.

This post is about him being astute enough to treat himself to something expensive JUST beyond his normal sober reach. He mentioned during our chat that he bought a lovely pen that was just shy of $1,000.00. He said that some people were upset that he wasted money on something like that.

His take was that he had wasted $1,000.00 on many bar bills and had nothing to show for it at the end of the splurge except a nasty hangover.

I agree with him. I agree that we spend money on things that we think will make us hurt less, fear less or some other magical thinking.

When we continue behaviors that “we have always done” without stopping to wonder if those behaviors still serve us, we are being quite robotic. We are unthinking. Perhaps not thinking allows us to pretend that “all is well”. Often, though, not thinking just keeps us trapped in the same old hurts, pain, and challenges.

A few years ago I met a cabbie in Philly who told me that she longed to go to Jamaica on holiday. I asked why she had not gone and she said that she had too many bills, including rent on a storage unit she had for quite a few years. I asked her what she was storing and she said furniture for her kids and her books.

I asked her if the kids wanted the furniture and she said that she did not know. I calculated how much rent she had paid over the course of the rental agreement and she almost choked. Suffice to say it was many trips to Jamaica.

I felt her pain.

While back in Philly a few months later, I called her to pick me up. I asked her about the storage unit and if she had gone to see it. She said she had and that the furniture had been eaten by termites and her books were ruined with moisture. I felt so bad for her.

I gave her a little tidbit of coaching. I told her to pretend she still had the unit and to create a special Jamaica bank account and to pay into it each month what she was paying for the rent on the storage unit. I explained that she already knew how to budget her monthly income for the rent, so she could use that knowledge to make her dream vacation come true.

There is a lesson to be learned here.

What behavior can you re-purpose for your happiness and joy, and not just do it mindlessly as you have been doing?

 

Love & light,

Indrani