Tag Archives: choices

Why can’t you read my mind?

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When my kids were very young I told them
that I could read their minds. That got them to “own up” pretty quickly to who had done what. That lasted all of 3 days. I must admit…they were pretty smart for their age.

One thing that was worse however was that I expected other people to read my mind and to automatically know what I expected and what made me happy. I mean, if I actually had to ASK for what I wanted, then what was the good of it? I not only expected it, I was UNAWARE that I expected it. Further, I had NO idea what I really wanted! So even if someone did something awesome, I could not fully appreciate it.

The first inclination I had that something was really skewed with my thinking was when a therapist asked me “what I wanted from life”.
What?
What kind of stupid question was that?
“I want what everyone wants!” was my sarcastic quip.
“Really?” he replied. “What does everyone want?”
“People want to be happy! I want to be happy!”
He, in his infinite patience replied, “So what would make you happy?”

Then I was stumped.

I DID NOT know the answer to that question.

My brain felt like it was on the spin cycle and no one was going to press the done button.

That was the beginning of my quest for what would make me happy.

I tried to continue to please everyone, but with GUSTO. I mean if I really LOST myself in making others happy…then surely I would be happy?

It did not work.
Some of those people that I was DYING to please STILL were not happy.
They wanted more and more and still more.
I tried to find the “more” and I became LESS. I had less energy for my dreams, less energy for my self-care and less connections to the people I cared about. In trying to please the FEW, I neglected myself and everything else that was important to me.

The term “DYING to please” was very real to me. I put anything healthy for myself on the back burner. Hell, it was NOT even on the stove top. It was stored away with all the junk that I no longer needed.

I had to learn to put myself back on the stove, then FIRST on my list.
I had to learn to say out loud what it was that I wanted and not expect people to read my mind.
I had to learn to set very clear boundaries around what I would and would not do.
I had to learn about what made me happy.

I saw everything as a lesson. Some lessons I loved and others I hated.
I did less and less of what I hated and more of what I loved.

This is how I learned to speak my truth and how to stop expecting others to read my mind.
Thinking back now, I can’t believe that I ever wanted someone to be able to read my mind.  All my secrets would be fair game and that is a scary thought.

Love and light,

Indrani

Get out of your way…

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Getting out of your way is not a 10 year plan…it is a NOW plan.
It is a DECIDE and IMPLEMENT plan.

Most of all, it is a promise you make to YOURSELF to move ahead with your dreams and take a risk.

I learned how to swim competitively to complete an Olympic Distance Triathlon. I took a risk and came in dead last but I FINISHED and I will always be a triathlete.

Take a risk.

Get out of your way.

Go dream a big dream.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

If I shave my head, will I still love myself?

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A few weeks ago, I was watching the 10th episode of the Amazing Race where the fast forward called for the contestants
to shave their heads. The team who pulled this coveted gem chose not to use the fast-forward, which would have brought them to the top of the line.

Why did they not use it?

The female member of the team could not reconcile shaving her head because she had spent $500.00 on hair extensions.

I have been thinking about that choice quite extensively.

Here we have a woman who is an amazing athlete. She has survived for 10 episodes and has undertaken and conquered tasks that she could not have even imagined doing just a few years ago.

BUT how does she see herself?

She sees herself as the woman with a big nose and a need hair for extensions to look pretty.

As the whole world looks on and admires her, she sees nothing more than a big nose and her need for hair extensions.

What kind of message did she have to internalize for her to reflect so microscopically on her gifts? What kind of words had she been exposed to that caused her to digest all the marketing that we women are bombarded with?

I am getting old and much of that marketing no longer applies to me, except that they keep trying to get me to look younger.

I see the younger generation and I cringe at all the unlearning they must do to have a healthy acceptance of self.

I see the toddlers playing with dolls that have more boobs than an Amazon woman, and wonder when they will want their breasts enlarged.

I see all the beautiful celebrities who have undergone plastic surgery only to emerge looking like someone else.

I do not know what we can do as a strong feminine presence to stop this delusion of “what a woman should look like” but I do know that as thinking parents we must start pointing out these atrocities to our kids.

It is easy to think that they’ll figure it out, but will they figure it out before the scars of “not being good enough” make an indelible mark?

I am not saying that I have the answers.
What I do have is lots of trepidation about why, as a society, we are still so focused on outer appearances.

To that Amazing Race contestant, I say:
“honey, you are strong, beautiful and brave. Those things have NOTHING to do with your nose or your hair extensions.”

Oh, and by the way, that guy you are racing with showed the most love and acceptance any one could show under those circumstances. He accepted your decision without any negative comments. He is the poster boy for “support your partner, no matter what.”

Love and light,

Indrani

Gratitude, Presence and Self-care…a GPS for life’s twists and turns.

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How many of us now depend on devices that help us to navigate our way to a new destination? The answer is lots of us.

How many of us refuse to tune into our inner GPS to find the way to Peace and Joy? The answer is LOTS of us.

While it is easy to just put an address into your device and get directions, you still must do a few things:

-You must keep the device charged so you can use it.
-You have to learn how to input the address and where to find the app that gives the directions.
-You have to have the presence of mind to closely follow the directions and make the turns that it suggests or you will not get to where you want to go.

This is also true of our internal GPS. Yes, we all have one.
The inner GPS is called intuition. Your intuition will give you hints of Yes and No when you are turning in a direction that is not aligned with the work you were sent here to do. Your work may or may not coincide with the job you have. If it does, you will feel joyful and fulfilled even if there are many struggles in your life. If, however, your job makes you depleted and sad, then your work that you are meant to do is far from what you do daily.

There is a quick fix for this. Yes, a quick fix.

Your intuition wants to steer you into the work you are meant to do and it can if you begin to feel grateful for all the things that you have, even the challenges. Being able to stay present in the midst of challenge and being grateful for the lesson in the challenge is the quickest way to JOY. I promise you, this really does work.

Every night before bed, I write at least 5 things that I am grateful for and I go to bed with gratitude in my head and heart. The “S” in the GPS is for self-care. That means that you put yourself at the TOP of each list you have, and you must be sure you do something for yourself each day. It can be as simple as allowing the answering machine to get the phone calls for a short time while you do a special something. It can be reading a good book, taking a bath, sitting in silence, listening to your favorite music, chatting with a treasured friend, etc. These snippets of self care do not have to look like taking a whole weekend off to go to the spa, although that’s good too!

Waiting for the “right” moment for self-care is a great way to put off self-care. It is a good way to fool yourself into thinking that you have made yourself a priority.

If you are a subscriber to my newsletter, you have received my 5 minutes to Happiness tool that allows you to quickly tap into your positive traits. If you are brave enough to align your behaviors with your positive traits you will have found a quick way to follow your inner GPS.

You can get 5 minutes to Happiness here.

Give this a try for 7 days. I would love to hear how it works for you!

Love and light
Indrani

The mathematically correct way to say NO…

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N + O = Time + Energy Boost.

We have all been there, someone asks for something and we are swamped BUT we say YES because of:

  1. Guilt
  2. Fear
  3. Powerlessness
  4. Cultural norms

Yes, this list can be endless. It does NOT matter why you say YES when you want to say NO, because the effects on you are the same.

You feel taken advantage of or angry and explode at those you love or you become more powerless and it feeds your “things will always be like this” way of thinking.

By the way, the anger and explosive thing, usually happens to someone who had nothing to do with the reason you are angry. The person who gets all of your fallout is usually someone who you feel safe with and who has accepted your explosions in the past. Please note that exploding on people is a form of abuse. (Read my post on Domestic Violence here).

Being unable to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial to saying a soft and positive NO.

Yes, I said a Positive NO.

One of my very favorite books is by William Ury “The Power of a Positive NO”. I recommend you order it NOW. It has changed my life and my relationships.

If you are unable to identify how YOU wish to spend your own time, there is a LONG LINE of folks who have GREAT ideas for what you SHOULD do with your time.

Spend a few moments NOW and make a list of people who constantly steal your time, even though you have tried to stop them it continues to happen.

1

2

3

4

5

6

Ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What do these people have in common?  e.g. family, co workers, perceived power over you, people you adore and love…
  2. How do I feel when these people ask for MORE of my time? Do you feel angry, happy that you can “please them”, afraid when you hear their voice?
  3. How do I hold my posture when I am interacting with these people? Am I standing tall? Do I haunch my shoulders? Does my stomach or my head hurt?

Understanding WHAT you do when you are approached by a TIME THIEF is crucial to understanding how to set and maintain a boundary. See other posts on the Art of saying No.

Have Fun saying NO!

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Pure love can take a licking….

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Pure love can take a licking but keeps on ticking.
But only PURE LOVE of one’s OWN SELF.

In other words PURE LOVE is the only true protection. Pure love will and can save us from the hurtful words of others.

If I find myself in a situation where people are berating me and want nothing more than for me to feel bad, remembering that I love myself is the ONLY protection I need. How does this work? I have the ability to hear truth VS lies.

A few years ago, I was accused by a very close family member of being,
and I quote, “a lousy family member, someone who cannot put family
first”.
I heard the words and I quietly said,
“I do not know who you are talking about, because that is not me”.
I then walked away because I was NOT about to defend myself against
false statements. That’s the other thing that pure self love will do for you. It will
save you from self defense when someone is on the offense.

Here’s the way I see it….
They are on the offense for reasons only they know.
They have some kind of the game in mind and I do not know what the
game is or when it will end.
I have not agreed to play.
Therefore no defense is needed.
Just walk away.

Here’s the trick though.
Can I walk away without being angry?
I must work hard to not accept the other person’s anger.
Can I stand in my own self love and not judge the other?

Pure self love will give me the strength to show the world how sweetly
I treat myself and how I expect to be treated by others.
This is something only I can do for myself.
It is something only you can do for yourself.

Pure self love…now there’s a platform on which to stand and
shout: Look out world, I love me, so I can love you!

When I say NO… Do you hear MAYBE?

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A case study in Nonviolent communication.

I just got a call from a charity for Breast Cancer Research asking for
a little something for underprivileged women.
This is how it began:
Me …Hello
Them…Is the lady of the house there?
Me…Who’s calling?

Note that I did not say… Oh yes, I am the lady of the house…

Them… This is so and so and we serve women who cannot…..

Me… I support breast cancer research and will not be able to support
your organization.

Them…Please do not draw the line, these women cannot pay their rent….etc

Now I am pissed, she did not hear my NO.
But then I think of the book Nonviolent Communication that I have
been devouring and I think, oh what a great time to use it here.

So I quickly do:
O
F
N
R

O- observe what is happening.

F- feel my feelings… I knew that I was feeling irritated and I
started down a road of “if she only knew how much I donate”… Then I stopped
myself.

N- What are my needs and what are her needs? She needs me to give her
money and I need to be true to my established charity budget and not go over
that amount.

R- What request am I going to make based on MY needs?

So let’s return to the conversation

Them…Please don’t draw the line….
Me…Amanda, I support Breast Cancer research and I am NOT going to
give anything more at this moment.

My voice was clear and precise and very purposeful.
She heard it and responded.

Them… Oh, thanks for supporting Breast Cancer.
Me… You are welcome.

Here’s what I did:
I knew my NO.
I knew why I was saying NO.
I did not let myself get caught up in the story of her population, not
out of not caring for them but out of a very caring place for me and
where I put my charity dollars. I really believe that I am doing what
I can do and I will do more when I decide it is time to do more.

If you go back up to the top of the post you will see many little
things that could have derailed me…
-Request for a little something
-The story of who needs the help
-Her telling me that I have drawn a line

NONE of those things matter when you are standing on solid ground.
This makes me sound like a right winger. I am neither a left winger
nor a right winger. I am simply following the plan that I set out at
the beginning of the year before the charities had a chance to get to
my emotions.

Emotions have a big role in what we give and who we give to BUT giving
has to support the bigger picture and must come from the heart.

This lesson is especially true for your energy. Money is easier to
find than energy.

A dear friend, Gretchen Pisano (www.soundingboardink.com) taught me
this past week that we all have units of energy and we must manage our
energy, not just our time and I am adding not just our other resources.

When people make requests of you that involve energy expenditures, you
have to use:

O… Observe what is happening without evaluating… You will know if
you are evaluating if words like should and must pop into your
mind/conversation.

Here are some examples of observations and evaluations from Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg
1. John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.
2. My father is a good man
3. Pam was first in line every day this week.
What was an observation VS evaluation here?

F…knowing what we are feeling and expressing what we are feeling.
I realized rather quickly after she said ” drawing a line” that I was
getting irritated, and I could have spoken instead to “how dare you
tell me I am drawing a line blah, blah, blah” but I just FELT the
feelings and then asked myself what I wanted for me…what is my
request of me, not of her? I could wish that no one hits me up for
money anymore, but I can only be in charge of what I will do when it
does happen.

Here are examples from Rosenberg about statements of feelings
1. I feel like hitting you.
2. I feel good about what you did for me.
3. You’re disgusting.
What is a feeling VS a non-feeling here?

N…knowing what you need is taking responsibility for your feelings.
In my case with Amanda, I was irritated because I had an unmet need
for HER to know that I am generous and that I do not draw lines around
charity giving. I am very purposeful and give quite freely. In this
case, Amanda’s job was to get my money. My job was not to keep it from
her but for ME to KNOW what I was willing to do and not do. I met my
need for acknowledgement of generosity by telling myself that I was
generous and by communicating it to her very purposefully.

Here are some examples of needs from Rosenberg… Remember a need is
taking responsibility for YOUR feelings.
1. I feel frustrated when you come late.
2. I feel disappointed that you said you would do it and you did not.
3. I feel scared when you raise your voice.
Which of the above statements takes responsibility for their own feelings?

R…request of others in order to enrich life for us…Rosenberg
In this case vague language will not help clarify the situation… E.g.
you know Amanda, I kinda give a lot and I feel so bad and I don’t know
what to do because…
This language does not serve me. Being clear and requesting what I
want is called for here. I could have said “I do not want you to ask me for a donation”, but I chose to focus on saying what I do and
saying what I was not going to do.
I also did not use a negative as in “I won’t give to you” I used a
positive as in “I give generously already”.

Here are some examples of requesting statements that are very clear
and not so clear.
1. I want you to understand me.
2. I want you to stop drinking.
3. I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.
Which statements are clear VS vague?

This way of communicating is not easy, as we have been taught to
use language to onshore what we truly feel. This way we won’t feel
vulnerable.
A brilliant woman, Brene Brown tells us that vulnerability is the key to
being who we are and getting what we want from life.
Hear her Vulnerability TED talk here.

I also recommend that you read
Nonviolent Communication.

If you are having judgments of whether I should have given in to the
charity that is a whole other conversation called a moralistic
judgment. You can have a VALUE of charity giving, but when you start
judging others on HOW much and how often they SHOULD give, then we are
getting on our moral high horse.

Love and light
Indrani

What is an OUTCAST?

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What is an OUTCAST?
What is an INCAST?

The Webster dictionary describes an OUTCAST as a person who is rejected, degraded or expelled and driven from home or society.

So what does this mean to the INCASTS?

Do they reach out to the outcasts to try to find out if they are hurting? Do the outcasts try to reach back? Do outcasts know that they are considered outcasts?

Who makes the decision about which CAST you are in?

I am NOT smart enough to have any answers to these questions.
I only know that YET another shooting has occurred and more incasts are dead.
More incasts were terrorized by the outcast.

Can we AFFORD to hide behind these terms?

If you feel like an OUTCAST, please reach out for help…
and all you INCASTS, please reach out also and take someone by the hand.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/28/tj-lane-chardon-high-school-suspect_n_1306511.html#s733488

He said, she said…

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This age old story gets us nowhere fast!

Want to hear about another story that’s just like a dog trying to
catch his tail?

It goes like this:
Person A says, “You said you hated me!”
Person B says “I meant when you make fun of me. You make me feel stupid!”
Person A “If you say you hate me, you must mean it or you are stupid!”
Person B “God, if only you would just listen, but you always jump down my throat!”

Get it?

I am sure you have been here at some time or another.
This fight is not going anywhere good. Someone will get hurt…either
emotionally, physically or both.

What is this fight about?
It could be about frustration or desperation or lack of any emotion.

I know people who never speak when things are “good” so the only time
they communicate is when they are angry.

If this is you…
STOP
STOP NOW!
You are going nowhere fast.
Someone is looking to place blame and someone is looking to be rescued.
Both brains are in screech mode and what’s more, both adults have left the room.
The people screaming at each other are two tantrum-throwing 5 year olds.
You need to find a way to “tap out” like wrestlers.

If this is a diagnosis of your relationship, get some help. Get some
clarity for yourself.
Go to a minister or a therapist or a VERY trusted friend.
You need a neutral person.

BTW, when you do decide to get help, remember to work on YOU!
You are the only person you can change.
Yep, that sucks, but that’s a fact.

Change the face in the mirror.

Last year, last month, yesterday …

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Our lives are made up of a series of yesterdays. Some are clumped as:

Childhood
Teenage years
Early twenties
In my thirties
The last twenty
Last month
Yesterday
Five minutes ago

It does not matter what labels we use, how we describe the past, the
plain fact is
IT IS IN THE PAST.
The only things that we need to take from our varied past are the
lessons, not the pains.
As we bump into familiar pains, pains that smell like, look like,
taste like and feel like the past, let’s give ourselves the
permissions to take the lessons and leave the rest.
Things change, they always do and they must. We cannot and must not hold
on to old patterns or behaviors. Old may mean tried and true. Old may
mean traditional. Old can even mean antique and expensive.

Old does not mean “stay stuck in this useless pattern.”

New years was 6 weeks ago.
That day was a long time ago.
Today is NOW.
Today is NEW.

If OLD behaviors are helpful and useful and wise, then repeat them.
If OLD behaviors cannot or do not support the true essence of who YOU are,
Then
Leave
It
In
Your
Yesterday.

New is not always great.
Old is not always bad.
Be picky.
Pick YOU!

Love & light,

Indrani