Tag Archives: choices

How important is it to you?

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gloves via cocoparisienne on PixabayRecently I was on a flight to an important business meeting. I was very organized and even brought my lunch from home so I would have a healthy choice.

I made it easy on myself, I packed the food in disposable containers and put it in its own bag so I could throw away the whole thing when I was done.

Things went very well, I ate a little, took a little nap and then ate some more. The attendant came around and I pushed the trash into the rolling cart myself.

Then, I had a thought… did I throw my telephone away in the food bag?

I reached under the seat, dragged my purse out and searched every nook and cranny on the inside.

No phone.

I sat back and took a deep breath.

What was my next step?

Well, that’s easy, go thru the trash!

I walked to the back of the plane and told the attendants my dilemma and they gave me some gloves and I got busy.

I dived into the rolling cart of trash.

I was so happy to have the gloves and to have had the presence of mind to look for my phone while I was still on the flight.

I looked thoroughly. I did not find it.

I had to rethink… if it’s not in the trash then I must not have searched my purse very carefully.

So I walked back to my seat and emptied my whole purse and there, in a very hidden pocket, I found it. I smiled!

Let me tell you what was great about this event:

1.  I never, not even once, called myself a name!
2.  I never spoke disparagingly about myself to the attendants!
3.  I never once complained about having to dig in the trash!

As I sat in my seat being grateful for the positive outcome I realized that there were hidden lessons in this experience.

What if we could identify the very important things in life that we lose, the VERY moment that we lose them? What if, we could arm ourselves with what we need, like gloves for trash diving, and we could happily get the work done?

We would get the work done because we would know that it was too important to lose.

The first time we lose our self respect, we go looking for it and not rest until we figured out what happened.

The first time we disrespected a child by screaming or physically abusing, we would stop and apologize and get help to treat them better in the future.

We would not blame them for our inability to be mature adults.

If we could really look at life and what we lose everyday the way we look at our prized possessions, we have a really great chance of keeping our humanity intact and we have a greater chance of keeping the relationships that are important to us.

Get those emotional gloves on and a start digging for the gifts you may have misplaced.

It’s your quality of life and it’s worth the effort.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Then there were two….

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I was speaking to a very dear friend the other day.

She said that she had 6 beautiful bowls that someone had given to her a long time ago.

The other day she noticed that there were only 3 and she realized that some of them were broken.

She felt happy that she had 3 left.

She began to tell her young daughter who had been helping with her dishes.

She turned away to do something and heard the awful sound…

CRASH!

She froze and realized that something had broken.

She did not know what it was. She turned to the sink full of dishes and saw her sweet daughter, shaking and fearful and she heard these words, “Sorry mom it was an accident, I did not mean it. Sorry mom.”

My dear friend said, “Now there are two.”

And then she smiled.

The worry on the daughter melted away and the mom showed her child how easy it was to show compassion and to to teach her child that mistakes can and will happen.

As my friend was telling me this story I saw the realization on her face that her child had been shaking because she fully expected to be yelled and screamed at.

My friend knew that she had been a teller and she had parented with anger in the past.

She also knew that she had been intentional in the way she had been parenting the past few years and that she had significantly changed the energy in the family.

She had been able to forge a deeper connection with her son and she had been showing her daughter what unconditional love really is.

Here, at this moment, it meant that she loved her daughter MORE than she ever could love those dishes.

She chose to NOT break her child.

She chose to parent with understanding and respect.

I have known this woman for a long time. I know how hard this woman has worked to get to a place of peace and tranquility.

I applaud her willingness to change the way she used to parent and to seek new ways and to know that she was doing the best for her kids.

Most people say, “My parents did it this way and I turned out ok.”

My view is why just settle for OK when we can be wiser and better than OK?

Let us thrive as parents and constantly better ourselves so we can raise a brighter generation. One that will know more than we will ever know and will be in charge of the welfare of our grandchildren.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Start where you are and continue your own path….

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Indrani - Marathon Finish at EpcotBetsy Rapoport is my friend and she is a an amazing coach for writers. I saw on Facebook where she was hosting a writing class…A Memoir writing class.

I have been longing to write my memoir. I know, I know, I don’t NEED a class…after all I write blogs and I just get an idea and begin to write, much like I am doing now.

Somehow though, when I think of writing a memoir I get all flummoxed and confused and I don’t know where to start.

So, when I saw her class offering, I jumped on it. I registered on line and I began to communicate with her about accommodations etc.

I was thrilled to get the homework list…I love homework.

And there… as I read the list, I laughed out loud.

Here is what was on the list:

  • What memoirs have you read, and what did you like about it?
  • What scares you about this class?
  • What excites you?
  • Send a sample of your writing, preferably a work in progress.

Simple enough, right? So why my outburst of laughter?

I immediately wrote an email to Betsy and it sounded a little like this…

Dear Betsy,

I have not completed a whole memoir of anyone, only bits a pieces from folks like

  • Mother Theresa
  • Nelson Mandela
  • Rosa Parks
  • Mahatma Gandhi

I tend to get bored!

I have read loads of other books. I love to read!

The thing that scares me about this class is that my life cannot fill a memoir.

The thing that excites me about this class is that my life is too much for one memoir.

I have NO unfinished works of writing, but I can start one.

Then I pressed Send.

I waited for Betsy to say something like, “you are not at all qualified for this memoir class” or “if you have not even read a whole memoir why would you expect anyone to read yours” or “perhaps you have nothing in progress because you are not a writer.”

Let me tell you why, IF she had said any of the above or worse, it would NOT have affected me in any way.

In 2003 I had decided to do an Olympic distance triathlon.

I began to search online for a trainer, one that would train a newbie triathlete and a rank beginner.

I finally found a web site that touted training beginners and  that looked promising.

I began to complete the on line form.

1. What distances do you currently swim? And how often do you swim?

My response:
I do not know how to swim competitively and I used to splash around in the pool with my kids when they were young. I know how not to drown. I have not been swimming in a very long time.

I should have added “I hate wearing a swim suit.”

2. What races have you participated in and what was your finish time?

My response:
I have not participated in any races so I do not have a finish time. I do not like to run. I like to walk a lot.

3. What cycling distances do you currently do and what is your average mph?

My response: 
I used to ride with my kids in the carrier seat about 18 years ago and still know how to ride a bike.

I figured they would see I know how to walk and I know how to ride a bike. I know many women my age who do not know how to ride bikes. I thought I was going to be just their type.

I pressed Send.

I got an e mail from someone at the site wanting to find out if I was serious about the Triathlon.  If I was why did I not insert the values they needed to create my program.
I assured them that those were indeed the facts and that I had ZERO numerical values to input.

I never heard from them again.

So I began to train on my own  and my dear friend Donna was my guide and helper and General ass kicker.

I began to walk slowly with Donna I would count the concrete squares on the path in my town to see how far I had walked.

Then one day I was able to run 5 concrete squares and then walk again.

I felt like calling the trainer to tell them how great I was doing.

I did not.

I bought a really nice bike and some of those clip in shoes and almost killed myself. I used to have to tip over onto the grass to try to get unclipped.

I got tired of falling so I went to spin class and practiced biking with my clip in shoes and also practiced clipping in and out…. but those were stationary bikes so I still almost killed myself when I began to practice on the real bike.

I tried to find a swim teacher who could teach beginners and got fired from about 3 teachers. One guy even took a video of me in the water and showed me what I looked like.

I looked like a spider, I had arms and legs all over the place.

That video was not pretty because I had this image of myself slicing thru water as I had seen Mark Spitz do in the Olympics.

Also I tried to wear cute swim suits with frills and decorations all over and was told that those suits would cause drag in the water. I knew what they knew… my unstreamlined body was causing drag in the water, not these three cute frills on the suit.

I did not give up.

I continued on my very unorthodox way of training.

Six months after attempting to engage the online trainer, I completed my Olympic Distance Triathlon.

I was dead last.

I never gave up.

In the hotel lobby that night, I heard a seasoned triathlete say, “man I got out of the lake, I got kicked in the face and got pissed off!”

I thought, man I never even thought of getting out of the lake and I wondered if I was the spider who had kicked him in the face.

Start where you are…. it’s your only choice.

See you at your finish line, I will be smiling and waiting for you, no matter how long it takes.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Scarcity or abundance…..

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candles-64177_1280I was visiting a very close relative a while back and the conversation turned to a favorite brand of candle she loves. I am always aware to bring some of those candles for her. She is in the winter of her life and a candle makes her happy.

The last time I brought candles, I had intentionally brought more than she could use in 8 months. I remember being in the store and purposefully filling the basket with more than I had ever purchased.

So, during my visit, as she is filling me in on the stories of her life, she says in a sheepish whisper “you forgot to bring more candles.”

I was quite shocked and thought for a few seconds that I had not sent the full compliment of the candles I had bought just a few months ago.

“You are out?” I asked.

She said, “Almost.”

I asked, “How many do you have?”

“A few.” she said.

I have history with this person and her inability to say the truth without having to twist it to serve her purpose.

“Few” is not a number.

I pressed, “How many do you have?”

She looked very uncomfortable and squirmed in her chair and said, “One big bottle and eight small ones.”

My first instinct was to lash out and say, “Why are you so greedy?!”

I did not.

Instead, I got up, went to the kitchen to get a glass of COLD water to calm down and then I went back to sit next to her.

I said, “I want to ask you a philosophical question.”

She asked what that word meant. I explained. She seemed to understand.

I began to ask her how she felt when she though she did not have enough candles for her immediate needs.

She answered as best she could and after a few more questions, she said
“I feel afraid that I don’t have enough.”

Then I explained the concept of scarcity and abundance. It took me about twenty minutes before she understood. I was not rushing her, I was not rushing myself. I had actually already accepted that she may not get it and that would have to be ok.

She did understand the concept. Then I said, “How might you feel if you BELIEVED that you had enough candles for your immediate needs?”

She said, “Well, if I use them all what about the rest of my life?”

I asked her “How long are you going to live?”

She said she did not know.

I said, “None of us know, we all just like to pretend that we do!”

So again, I asked about her how she would feel if she believed she had enough.

She said, “I would feel comfortable.”

I asked her to choose the believe in “enough and abundance” instead of “not enough and scarcity.”

She asked if I thought it would be wasting money.

I said, “I think it’s a waste of money to buy more stuff for you to STORE, instead of you using the STORES of stuff you already have. I could use that money for things that are immediately necessary instead of using it for stuff you already have.”

Dear Reader,

I do not know if she got the concept, I felt like I had done a good job of explaining and using an example with which she was familiar.

My question of you is this…

Do you get this concept?

Whether it’s as simple as candles or food or money?

Do you know when you have enough?

I invite you to look to your own life for your areas of not ENOUGHNESS!

If you are human, there will be many.

Take just ONE small area and do some inquiry around it.

Ask a friend to help you with the inquiry.

Ask a friend who LIVES in the abundant philosophy. You will know which one, they will be the ones who are happy and joyful and always ready to give to others.

Let me know how this goes for you in the comments below.

 
Love and light,
Indrani

Shareworthy: Calling all teachers…..

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child-636022_1280If you are a teacher, you must check out our good friend Tanya Kelley, Ally to Teachers Who Are Burning Out.

Today we are sharing one of Tanya’s posts, called Ending Well, which is a great read for teachers of all kinds. Tanya also offers a free group coaching call called I’m SOOO DONE with that child! Click here to learn more or to sign up.

Happy End of Year to all of our teacher friends! And happy reading!

Ending Well

by Tanya Kelley

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Cheers to you! As you take down the artwork and fancy writing assignments. Cheers to you! They’ve come so far since that first day you met them. Cheers to you — the year is over! And the 2014 / 2015 class picture takes its place with the others. Whew!

Maybe you’ll see them next year, but it won’t be the same. You’ll have a new class. They’ll have a new teacher. There are some students you hate to see go. But frankly, when it comes to others, you think, “thank heavens I will not have to deal with that child next year!” And in the same breath, the talk among your grade level team is thick with speculation about who is going to get the problem students next year.

Ending well is a process of letting go of the worst of times and the best of times and preparing to embrace a new class. It is also an opportunity to deepen personal and professional wisdom. If you’re willing to go there, it means taking a moment to linger with the memories and spirit of your problem child before moving on. If you decide to do so, above all, be gentle with yourself.

Rant

We’ve all had students who get under our skin. We breathe a sign of relief and the shoulders visibly let down when they are absent. We’re exhausted by the turmoil, conflict, strife, and high level of demand they bring to the classroom. We don’t want to feel that way. We maintain our best professional demeanor. But inside, we rail. We rant. “Why does it have to be such a struggle, every day? It’s so unfair!”

Consider a rant-o-rama. Basically a rant fest. Grab some paper and something to write with. Set a timer for 2 – 4 minutes. Rant about this problem child. Use your ugliest handwriting, caps, underlines, exclamation points, and emoticons. Stamp your foot if you want. Have a little tizzy fit now that the pressure is off. Or score your place in Monday’s “The Year’s Over and I’m SOOO Done” call at 10:00! Click here.

Reflect

Later, when you have some time to quietly and calmly reflect, set aside 5 to 10 minutes. Approach this reflective time with a spirit of curious inquiry.

How is it that this child had such an ability to rile me up? What do I wish she could have been or done instead? Besides this child, what other people or situations bring up these same responses for me?

If you sense another rant-o-rama coming on, consider whether it would be beneficial to go back to that step, or it it would be best for you to return to a calm, reflective place of curious inquiry right now. Or, you might decide that now is not a good time to reflect. Remember to be gentle with yourself!

You may think, “Why even go there? The year is over. I never have to deal with her again. It’s not worth my time and energy.”

Here are 2 reasons why you might want to go there:

  1. Because there will be a next time! The universe has a sense of humor, that’s for sure. You’ll get another chance to deal with a similar personality or set of circumstances. Wouldn’t it be nice if the cray-cray is a little less intense next time?
  2. Because going there give you a chance to know and do differently next time. A small shift can make a difference.

Release

Find the smallest thing that you can to admire, appreciate, or like about your mighty little tyrant. Mixed emotions are welcomed:

“Well, she did have this outrageous spunk — totally out of line in the classroom, the little brat — but she would be fabulous as my defense attorney, if I ever needed one!”

“Dang, if he wasn’t stubborn! Once he made a decision, he followed it through — too bad he missed out on what I could have taught him this year — but man, was he committed!”

And finally, allow yourself a touch of what you’re admiring, appreciating, or liking about the child. In your own adult, grown up, wise and beneficial way, bring some of the child’s spirit into your world. Because maybe what she was trying to show you all along was that a little outrageous spunk every once in a while is not such a bad thing.

Written by Tanya Kelley. 

Visit Tanya’s blog here.

Are you trading self-respect for fake protection?

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51kzKRuJCYL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_Self-respect is defined by Nathaniel Branden as “the conviction of our own value. It is not a delusion that we are perfect or superior to everyone else. It is not comparative or competitive at all it is the conviction that our life and well being are worth acting to support, protect and nurture, that we are good and worthwhile and deserving of the respect of others; and that our happiness and personal fulfillment are important enough to work for.”

When a woman is forced into a marriage that she does not want, when she is forced to birth more children than she desires or is forced into aborting fetuses that are the “wrong” gender, that is not respecting a woman.

Some of these issues are couched in cultural language that makes it seem iron clad for women to “behave certain ways and accept traditional roles.”

I would like to float the idea that NOTHING is iron clad and traditions had to start somewhere, so we can be brave enough to make new ones.

This kind of bravery can only sprout from deep and abiding self-respect, nothing short of consistent self awareness.

We cannot fall asleep to how we live our daily lives, make daily choices and then wonder why our self-respect is in shambles.

“To appreciate why our need for self-respect is so urgent, consider the following : To live successfully, we need to pursue and achieve values. To act appropriately, we need to value the beneficiary of our actions. Absent this conviction, we will not know how to take care of ourselves, protect our legitimate interests, satisfy our needs, or enjoy our own achievements.” Nathaniel Branden

I urge you to read, no, to devour, Six Pillars of Self Esteem. It is by far one of the best books that anyone who has received abuse or is presently receiving abuse can read. It will give you the language to demand the respect you need for yourself, the respect you will expect from others and the strength to say NO, I will not accept disrespect anymore.

Love and light,

Indrani