Tag Archives: Compassion

The ART of saying a Powerful NO!

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Photo Credit: horiavarlan/Flickr

Photo Credit: horiavarlan/Flickr

When a dear friend ASKS you for a favor and you are in a state of exhaustion can you say NO without guilt?

When a family member yells and screams at you about something and you feel attacked can you say “I will not respond to yelling or screaming, so we can talk when you have calmed down” without feeling scared or guilty?

When people disrespect others in your presence, are you able to stand up for what is right?

There is a good chance that you either said a quick NO to the above questions or an “Of course” but if I were to ask you for examples where you were proactive and said NO to bad behaviors, you would have a hard time coming up with examples with close friends and family.

You may be better able to do it with strangers and people for whom you care very little.

Standing up for what we believe is right is not something that we are taught.

We are often taught to not rock the boat and therefore the people behaving badly get away with their nasty behavior.

A long time ago when my son was in 1st grade, about 6 years old, I took him out of school early one day for a “mental health day” and we went to get ice cream.

He ordered his ice cream and we were sitting there talking about his latest Lego creation and he was deciding what he would build next when the following happened.

A group of three boys about 10 or 11 years old came into the store and two of the boys ordered their ice creams while the third boy just stood there.

The two who ordered were making fun of the boy who had no money.

The boys took their ice cream, laughed at the one without and proceeded to go outside.

I then got up and told the ice cream-less boy to order WHATEVER he wanted. He looked at me and said, “Really lady?”

I said “Yep … make it an order bigger than your friends.”

I kind of made him order five scoops. He was grinning so big I thought he would burst. His friends came rushing in to tell ME that it was not fair.

I asked them why it was not fair. They said that they only had 2 scoops. I then asked why it was fair that they did not share their ice cream with their friend who had no money.

They looked shocked that I would bring that up.

The other boy said that he would go home to bring money for me and I asked him to go home and hug his mom and tell her he loved her and for me, he should try to always be kind to others. He left happy, the other two…not so much.

What was my little son doing this whole time?

He was eating his ice cream and looked up and said, “What took you so long mom?”

I smiled and said that I was giving the boys a chance to be kind. He shrugged and asked could he have as many scoops as the other fella got.

That night there were two very happy boys in Kingwood, TX, one in my house and one in another house, telling his Mom about his adventures.

I said NO to unfair treatment of a child. I said YES to kindness and I showed my son that day what it means to step up and right a wrong.

How will you say NO to unfair treatment?

What will you teach your children?

How will you stand up to bullying in and out of the family?

 

Love and light,

Indrani

How one person is changing the lives of millions…..

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This is an amazing story and a great example of how one man, a school dropout, would stop at nothing to bring his idea of revolutionizing menstrual health for rural women in developing countries to fruition. An idea that would have a positive effect on women, their families, their health and their livelihood.

Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek. —Mario Andretti

Follow this link to read the article: http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-26260978

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

 

When the invisible is finally seen… It can never again be hidden.

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womans eye via wallpapaerswideTry to think of something important, significant and poignant that you know now, but to which you used to be ignorant.

For me, it is the fragility of teenagers.

There was a time, before I had children, that I did not know the in credibility of teenage-hood.
I used to think that they were just younger versions of adults, that it was just a chronological thing for them.

I did not know that their brains were barely baked, or that their executive functioning skills were sorely lacking, or that they had the capacity to think of others.

Let me make a side note here. There ARE some teenagers who are incredibly mature and make ALL the “right” decisions….the kind of decisions that make adults proud and secure in their parenting skills. Yes, there are many of these beings.

If you know one of those beings… run, do not walk and hug them. Give the permission to make mistakes and to break some rules.

Give them permission to be one of the “other” kinds of teenagers.

Now that I know a few more things about the way teenagers behave, and that as parents, we should not take it personally, I can never not know.

This knowing, gives me the gift of compassion for teenagers and their witless parents.
The kind of witless parent I used to be.

In the words of Mark Nepo, ” …what has become visible and true will not become invisible again.”
Mark Nepo tells us that honoring ourselves means that “we will not pretend to be ignorant to what we know to be true…”

When we allow our knowing to inform our living, we live in honor of spirit of all things. We especially live in honor of ourselves.

Can we be patient enough to hold honor for all the “future KNOWINGS” that we will receive in the exact right time?

That is indeed a hard task.

Try to think of something you desperately want to know now…something that is bothering you in a deep and confusing way.

Can you give yourself the gift of patience and time to allow the knowing to appear to you?

If the answer is “no way,” then you have chosen a path very fraught with brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

Yes, you will be caught on the many branches in the way as you barge thru the unknown.

If, however, the answer is a soft “maybe,” then you stand a chance of less pain and less regret. You will allow yourself to step over the brambles and sticker bushes. You will be more discerning with your steps.

If your answer is a resounding “yes,” then you, my friend, will be still enough to see the different path, the one clear from the brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

I do not know which decision you will make but know this, YOU can always start again and make a different decision.

Remember to learn from the hasty decisions though, lest you trip yourself up again.

Wait…wait for the path to be clear. Wait for the clearer path to show itself.

Wait.

It may be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.
Love and light,
Indrani

Respect for women trumps an order to gang rape a girl!

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Recently in the news, an elder Tribesman ORDERED a girl to be gang raped!
This took place in a remote village in India.
Sorry to have opened this blog so abruptly. There is no other way to speak this horror other than to just spit it out.

The elder took part in the rape.

The whole village watched and stood by as a young girl was tied and ravaged because she dared to choose her own husband.

My mind has been racing since I read this….my head aching with all the elements that I do not understand.

I have so many questions:
How cruel has this man been in the past?
How many people had he already raped?
How much has he abused his wife?
How many rapes had the other rapists previously committed?

You see, from where I stand an elder does not “all of a sudden” decide to become a rapist.
And sane men do not just blindly follow an order to gang rape a young girl.

It is VERY likely that the elder has been a bully for quite a while AND he has gotten away with it.

No one in the village reported him for his cruelty and lack of basic humanity and so he grew in power and pride and found himself in a powerful position where he could “make” a group of men gang rape a young girl.

Did those men have a choice? YES, they did. They could have all said NO… this will not happen.

It was heart breaking to read that the village women blamed the girl for the horrific acts of the elder and the other rapists.

My heart wants to know how many other rapes and violence against women has been happening in this village that has up until now, gone unnoticed. How many women have been suffering in silence? Perhaps this instance of horrific acts will help to pry open a little more the plight of women and girls. Just like the gang rape on the bus in New Delhi where the victim died and the furor against these practices started. Perhaps this instance will further that fight.

I can only hope.

What is our takeaway here?

A bully needs to be reported at the first infraction lest he be voted in an elder at a later date. In this country, report the abusers lest they become our political leaders!

Speak up for your rights and keep speaking up….speak loudly and often and never shut up.
And MEN…
If someone tells you to rape someone say in a loud voice,
I AM NOT A RAPIST…and then report them to the authorities.

Please let us bring back humanity to the human race.

Love and light and compassion to all women who have suffered rape,
Indrani

Behind the nose of a clown….

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Ah…behind the nose of a clown. A clown can be anything.

Behind the nose of a clown, a clown can pour out compassion at a safe distance from others.

Behind the make-up of a clown, a clown’s inner feelings and personality are hidden.

Behind the costume of a clown, the body and physical attributes of that person disappears.

Being a clown, as we have all been, allowed us to do one thing….show love and compassion, nothing else.

What mask or costume do you hide behind as you go through your day?

My challenge to you in 2014….be your kindest, most caring, compassionate, loving self without a mask or costume.

Can you make people smile and connect with another person in “nakedness” of who YOU truly are?

Two WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT….

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Parents-Yelling-At-Teen via mothernews.comThis was a saying that I used to hear while growing up in Trinidad, in The West Indies.

It was usually lobbed at me from a very angry parent, (read rageful) and it was usually because someone hit me and I hit them back.

I never understood why I should not defend myself.

Recently I visited my childhood home and as someone was telling a story about a child making a mistake, the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right” popped into my head.

The storyteller was relaying that a teenager had taken a dish into their kitchen and showed that the dish was still dirty.

A family member of the teenager then said, “Get the HELL out of the kitchen and put the damn cup down!”

The teller of the story was chuckling, gleefully, because the teenager had been “put in their place.”

In a flash, I was filled with anger and disgust and said, “Was it really necessary to curse and embarrass the teenager?”

The story teller was not at all pleased with the way their story landed on my psyche.

The storyteller did not see that yelling at children and publicly embarrassing them was not the way to teach.

It constantly amazes me that “mature” people still think screaming at children is the way to their hearts and minds.

Children need love, care, feeding and watering.

Parents, if you are still screaming, embarrassing and denigrating your children, please take as long as you need to look at your destructive behaviors.

You are destroying the next generation.

Please sign up for some parenting classes and I do not mean any of the “spare the rod, spoil the child” kind of classes.

I mean the class that shows you, the parent, that children are gifts from a divine source and that they are given to us to cherish and protect.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

 

PTSD or PTG?

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African-American-woman-meditating1We all know that PTSD means Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but do you know what PTG means?
PTG is Post Traumatic Growth.
There is much evidence that there can be growth from trauma.
No one would choose to be traumatized.
Trauma is an uninvited visitor and some people turn it into amazing gifts.
These people describe their lives as before the (fill in the blank) and after.
They seem to be able to excavate the experience and come up with the most amazing insights.

I recently attended a Women and Power Conference and met many such women.
There was Loung Ung whose parents were executed by the Kymer Rouge. Loung was forced to be a child soldier and has now written three books and has returned to Cambodia more than 30 times to promote human rights and justice. You can learn about her at www.loungung.com

Then I was mesmerized by Ubaka Hill, who was raped starting at a very young age and has turned to music and drumming to promote healing and community building.
You can journey with her at www.ubakahilldrumsong.com

These women are JUST like you and me. Trauma found them and they found ways to self heal and to heal their respective communities.

I was an abused child and now I devote my life to help victims of Domestic Violence because by helping the mom I can help the child who has been abused or witnessed abuse.

I am no one special. My trauma gave me my super power of compassion and empathy.
My trauma made me special….the trauma that I did not invite.

I know that you too have had trauma that was UNinvited.
Will you talk to a professional about the best way to move through your pain and then will you step into PTG?

The growth is in there…and it wants to come out.
Love and light,

Indrani

Hello friend, I honor your internal war….

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woman-meditating via meditationindarlington.orgEmerson,
“Whenever you meet anyone, remember they are going through a great war”.

If we could only keep this statement in mind when we rush to judge people.

We interact, draw conclusions and we act as if those conclusions were actual fact.
We create arguments around the made up facts.
We play judge and jury based on these fictional arguments.
We, unfortunately, even forget that we have our own internal war.
What could happen if we stepped out of concluding about others behaviors and stepped into the humanity that surrounds us all?
What could happen if we thought the best of people instead of the worst?
What could happen if….
The “what could happen” list is endless.

Here is the best what could happen question….

What could happen if you decided to be the best YOU and leave everything else on the table?

What a sweet world that would be.
Do we dare IMAGINE?

John Lennon had it right alright, “IMAGINE”!
Please, let’s imagine.

 

Love and light,
Indrani

Lessons from Olga…..

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She wouldn’t accept my offer of a bracelet.
She wouldn’t let me make a crown for her.
She refused to come closer.
She was one of the 200 or so students in one of the orphanages that my clown group visited.

There I was sitting on a step, making crowns from pipe cleaners.  The kids were lined up for their crowns….girls, boys, small, big, some young and some older.

I am not sure when she decided to come closer, but there she was and ready for a crown.
I crafted her crown carefully and with an extra dose of gratitude for trusting that I would not harm her.

When the pipe cleaners were finished, I started making beaded bracelets for everyone. I made hers first and she carefully selected her beads from the small baggies that sat precipitously on my lap. As the kids realized that something new was being given, they quickly swarmed and began demanding their bracelet. She became my helper and as kids requested the color of beads, “rojo, verde, azul, blanco”. She quietly and efficiently fished the correct bead from the baggie and gave it to me to thread on the multi-colored string.

I hugged her and said, “Adios” and thanked her for her help. She smiled and her eyes twinkled.

The magic of this connection was that she did not know if she cared to connect or even if she trusted me. I did not base my success that morning on whether or not she would accept my gifts. I was there, loving and giving without thought as to what her role should or ought to be.

Should she be grateful that I had come all the way from America to visit that orphanage?
Should she care that I had spent money on these pipe cleaners and the baggie of beads?
No!
Her only job was to be herself.
My job was to be loving and present and joyful.
We both did our jobs well.

Now if only I can remember to practice this giving of myself in a pure and unattached way. A way that says, I am here for you, if you’d like to come closer.
A way that allows me to KNOW that chasing you or begging you or demanding of you to be a certain way is just unacceptable.
A way that tells me you are responsible for whom and what you accept from me.
A way that shows me to stay true to me and allow you to stay true to you and hope that in our separate trueness we can still share love, peace and harmony.

Thanks Olga, for these big lessons.
I will hold your smile in my heart forever.
May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be free.

Love and light,
Indrani