Tag Archives: courage

Violence IS NOT Par for the course….

April 15, 2015Uncategorizedabuse, best, child, children, choices, courage, domestic abuse, domestic violence, end GBV, gender based violence, gender violence, love yourself, right action, standing your ground, start new, Stop domestic violence, use your voice, violence, youIndrani Goradia

Let me explain to the best of my ability what the phrase “par for the course” means.

A golf course is comprised of 18 different “holes” and each hole has a number.

Golfers will always know which hole they hate the most. That would mean it’s the most difficult.

Levels of difficulty can vary from length from where the golfer begins each hole, called the TEE, to where the golfer needs to sink the putt, the green.

Often a golfer cannot even see the green from the tee. The configuration of the hole can include a huge hill, over which the golfer cannot see the green. The layout can even include an angle and will completely obscure a certain portion of that green.

Each hole must be played according to the integrity of the hole and each golfer approaches their game in his or her own unique way.

The biggest thing I learned while watching the Masters was that the length of a hole was represented by the number that came after the word PAR.

So a Par 3 hole would be shorter in length, but still have as many challenges as a Par 5.

The number ideally means that a golfer can get from start to finish in the prescribed number of holes.

I say ideally because even on a Par 3 a golfer can have a heck of a time sinking his ball in 3 strokes.

The biggest eye opener for me was that a stroke of, let’s say 350 yards, was AS important and significant as the short stroke, called a putt, of 2 or 3 feet.

Anything can happen, and as I saw at the Masters a “sure thing” was often not so sure.

How does this game of golf and the distance of the strokes apply to women who are trying to escape from abuse or women who are simple trying to set a boundary?

The significance is this….

It DOES NOT matter if you take a small, seemingly insignificant action with an abuser like staying out of his way when he is gearing up to strike, or whether you take a huge step of calling the police and getting you and your family out of danger permanently. The most important thing to do is to take ONE step towards the life you want for yourself.

The golfer must have faith in their ability to take the breath and swing his arm with the club attached and then begin to walk to wherever the ball landed and do the same action all over again. Over and over and over. And always with a calm and peaceful demeanor.

What is par for the course of a life without violence?

This is a question that is unanswerable.

We do not know HOW MANY challenges life will throw our way. We do not know how many times we will have the take the same action, the same step with the same person until we can get it thru to them. That we will NOT under ANY circumstances accept any more acts of violence.

We are not in control of whether we contract a serious illness or if a loved one will meet with an accident. As I’m writing this, a dear friends nephew was just shot.

We ARE, however, in control of whether we will accept abuse.

If we all had a ZERO tolerance for accepting abuse, the first time a person did an abusive act would be the last, because we would say “Oh no, not with me, not ever.”

Take a breath.

Take your best stroke/step.

Repeat until you have the culture of peace you require for yourself.

Love and light,

Indrani

Men need to become better leaders…and as a man this is terrifying

March 18, 2015featured, homepage, News & Updatesabuse, an empowered no, best, child, children, choices, courage, end gender violence, fear, frustration, gender based violence, gender violence, Jackson Katz, lead by example, leaders, life lessons, men's issues, respect, right action, right speech, standing your ground, step up, teach others, TED Talk, truthful speech, use your voice, violence, vulnerability, youJeremie Miller

I am sitting with a bunch of guys in a dressing room at the local hockey arena. Everyone is taking a break from a game of men’s floor hockey, drinking a few beers, and telling tall tales.

Then it begins…comments about the wives and women in our lives:

“I came home the other day and the house wasn’t even clean. What the hell is she doing all day while I am at work? Sitting around growing her ass or what”

“I told her I was coming here and it was blah blah blah, you never spend time with me. Of course I don’t, all you do is nag”

“Did you see that girl in the bar Thursday night….she had huge guns, they were amazing”

“I totally took her home, banged her, and showed her the door…”

And so it goes. Degenerating into inappropriate jokes and comments that no one in that room would say in public or outside of a room of a bunch of men drinking beer and kidding around.

Now, with my new realizations around Gender Based Violence, and the treatment of women, I need to stand up and say:

“Ummm….hey guys…this isn’t cool, you know. Aaaahhh…talking about your wives this way isn’t helping how your son sees women. That, ah.. that girl in the bar is someone’s daughter. Do you want someone talking about your daughter that way?”

Silence.

Dumbfounded silence mixed with shock, and looks of “who the hell invited this guy?”

Jackson Katz, in the Ted Talk below, clearly explains why focusing on women when talking about gender based violence is wrong, and why this focus needs to shift to men, and what men are doing (and not doing about it). He also clearly explains that men need to become leaders around this topic, and that the true battle will be won, not in public, when we are openly defending women, but within the small groups of men where so much of this harmful talk continues in a “safe zone”.

I hear what Jackson is saying, and it terrifies me. I want to be this leader. I want to make sure my son’s view of women is healthy. I want to protect all the daughters out there. I want to help eliminate violence against women.

Writing for Indrani’s Light Foundation – check.

Helping train others to help women in shelters – check.

Speaking out about gender based violence in social media – check.

Share the message with local schools and other people – check.

Stand up, in the moment, in a group of guys, and call them on their bullshit statements.

Gulp.

That one I NEED to work on, and it isn’t going to be easy.

But I am going to try.

If you are a man, or have men in your life who could use help developing this leadership, and taking this plunge, share Jackson Katz’s video and let’s get started.

Link: http://www.ted.com/talks/jackson_katz_violence_against_women_it_s_a_men_s_issue?language=en#t-284753

What would you do if you witnessed this incident?

March 14, 2015featured, homepageabuse, choices, Compassion, courage, end gender violence, gender based violence, gender violence, right action, stand up for others, stand up for yourself, take action, use your voiceIndrani Goradia

A young lady in her mid-twenties is being beaten black and blue by a strong, well-built man as 50+ people stand by and watch.

What would you do?

How would you react?

Visit the following link to read the entire story and let us know what you would do in the comments below if you found yourself in this awful situation.

https://www.facebook.com/indrani.goradia.5/posts/792430934181717?notif_t=mention

Love & light,
Team ILF

My friend Ray and the lesson of black tape…..

February 4, 2015featured, homepageabuse, an empowered no, ask for help, be vulnerable, best, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, domestic violence, fear, gender based violence, gender violence, life lessons, look at your truth, self love, self respect, speak your truth, standing your ground, stop hiding, truth, truthful speech, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Recently, I had the great fortune to be in Trinidad with my only brother, his lovely wife and our childhood friend, Ray.

We were all headed to the store to purchase a 60th birthday gift for another friend.

My brother was riding in the passenger seat up front while Ray drove and in the midst of recanting an old and funny story, he said very casually,
“Hey brother, what’s that red light on your dash?”

Ray, quite nonchalantly said, “Doh worry ’bout dat man, I put a piece of black tape over it, I don’t want to know what it is.”

And in typical Ray style, he started to laugh.

My sister in law, sitting next to me in the back then says, “So why is there tape over the locks in the back?”

Ray says, “Oh the locks are broken and I just don’t want people messing with them.”

We all start howling with laughter and start teasing Ray about his ability to block out the everyday annoyances of life.

I immediately say, “You know that I am going to have to write a blog about this, right?”

The thing about using black tape to cover up warning lights and broken bits of a machine made me think of the hoops we jump through to hide our shameful abuse from others.

Women will use any amount of makeup to try to hide the black eye.

Teenagers will lie to their friends and wear long sleeves to try and hide the cutting they started as a result of the incest they are suffering in their homes.

Young children know that they dare not tell about the knock down drag outs that their parents engage in and they instead begin to create a fairy tale family that they trot out to mask their pain.

Recently, during a Train the Trainer, one of the participants told the group that he never knew his parents because the state had taken him away due to abuse. He then explained that he made up a fairy tale of benevolent parents and used to tell fairy tale stories about the imagined family.

We use black tape in our everyday lives so effectively that we often forget the tape is there.

We begin to see the tape as the reality and we fight for the right to deny the reality of our pain.

What parts of your life have you taped over?

What is the tape hiding?

What would happen if you pulled the tape off and allowed yourself to face the truth?

I pull the tape off my own bruises every time I tell an audience that my abuse began in my childhood. When I am honest with my listeners and when they are able to receive the truth of what I am saying, they witness the absence of black tape.

I let them see my scars.

I let them in on my pain.

As a result of my being vulnerable, they give themselves permission to do the same.

Will you remove some black tape from your life today?

I give you permission to look at your truth.

Love and light,
Indrani

To be assertive or to not be assertive…a task we face every day of our lives.

January 31, 2015featured, homepageaggression, an empowered no, choices, courage, gender based violence, gender violence, how to say no, life lessons, love yourself, Nathaniel Branden, respect, right action, right speech, right you, self-assertive, self-assertiveness, speak your truth, standing your ground, use your voiceIndrani Goradia

Self assertion is not aggression. It is not banging people over their heads and claiming that you are better than them.

It is also NOT accepting others views of you.

“Self -assertiveness means the willingness to stand up for myself to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters.”
Nathaniel Branden.

Let me tell you a story.

A few years ago a very dear friend of mine asked me to speak to his religious women’s group.

I knew that his faith did not allow women to see their priests for reasons I cannot fathom.

He knew what a strong and upfront woman I am and that I speak my truth.

I told him that I would gladly speak on any variety of topics BUT if it came up about their treatment of women with seeing priests that I would absolutely be truthful about how I felt.

He seemed to accept what I said and we agreed that he should get a different speaker.

However, his friend who had accompanied him to my home, did not agree with me at all. In MY home he dared to challenge my point of view and was forcefully trying to make me agree with their views on women. I remained quite calm for about 15 minutes and then something happened.
I stood up and told him that this was my house and I was allowed my views in my house and he could not get me to change my mind.

I said we would have to agree to disagree.

He was shocked.

He was shocked because I DARED to stand and face him with conviction and clarity.

I am willing to bet money that NO woman had ever confronted him in his whole life and certainly no one had ever questioned his views on women in his faith.

He had never met a women who knew and understood her right to be assertive.

Nathaniel Branden tells us, “To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost convictions and feelings as a way of life – as a rule.”

Yes, this is what I did quite instinctively and with clarity of head and heart.

I am asking you, dear reader, to identify the areas of your life where conviction and clarity are lacking and to begin to take small steps to embolden your walk in your own life.

First you must talk the talk.
Then you must walk the walk.
Then you must encourage others to do the same.

Love and light,

Indrani

One simple act…..

January 21, 2015featured, homepagebully, bullying, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, do one thing, end violence in our schools, fear, gender based violence, gender violence, life lessons, love others, love yourself, no more bullying, respect, right action, shine brightly, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Change the world with ONE simple act….like opening a door consistently.

What a guy!

Can we all be more like him?
http://www.wimp.com/simplething/

Stopping sexism towards men – A solution for gender based violence?

January 14, 2015featured, homepage, Uncategorizedbest, choices, Compassion, courage, domestic violence, end gender violence, gender based violence, gender violence, Laci Green, love others, respect, right action, right speech, sexism, Sexism affects everyone, sexism and guys, Stop domestic violence, use your voice, violence, youJeremie Miller

Sexism is a term normally associated with women. It affects women in the workplace, on the street, in the media; it affects women in so many different ways, that we often forget an important piece of the sexism puzzle:

Sexism affects everyone: bisexuals, transgender, lesbians, gay men, and yes, even straight men.

Watch Laci Green as she unpacks and explores the idea of sexism against men and the effect it is having on everyone.

Watch and imagine what effect it would have on gender based violence if men no longer felt that they NEEDED to hide emotions, be powerful, and do manly things like fight, fix things, and have lots of sex to prove how masculine they are.

Could part of the solution be as easy as realizing that: there is no man or woman or gay or lesbian or transgender. There are humans.

Have you ever been sexist towards a man? If you are one of our male readers, have you ever experienced sexism?

We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Let’s all do more of these in the New Year…..

December 31, 2014featured, homepage2015, be present, best, choices, Compassion, courage, happiness, Happy New Year, love others, love yourself, New Year resolutions, self care, shine brightlyIndrani Goradia

Smile more.

Speak with compassion.

Help a stranger.

Take more steps and move your body.

Tell yourself you ARE good enough.

Eat 5% more healthy.

Complete this sentence:
If I were to follow my purpose I would be brave enough to ________________.

Now find a way to begin that journey.

A very happy 2015!

Love & light,

TEAM ILF

Female Avatars – Helping teach about gender equality?

December 17, 2014featured, homepagebe a role model, be present, best, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, gender based violence, gender equality, gender violence, make a shift, respect, right action, teach your children, use your voiceJeremie Miller

“Why are you playing as a girl?”

“I’m not, it is just a boy with long hair.”

“Oh, ok. Can I watch?”

This conversation between me and my son seems innocent enough, and, a few months ago, before starting to work with Indrani’s Light Foundation, it probably would have remained in my brain filed away as “not a big deal.”

But, through my work with the Live a Brighter Life training, corresponding with the ILF Team, and the research I have done for articles and blog posts, this was no longer a casual comment by my son. It worried me.

Why at the age of seven was he cautious when he thought my character’s avatar was a girl, but excited to watch me play when he discovered I was playing the game as a boy?

My mind quickly returned to another conversation we had also had about Tamora Pierce’s “Song of the Lioness Quartet”, a series of books we were thinking of reading, until my son found out the protagonist was a girl.

This was now the start of a pattern and it worried me even more.

So, I did the only thing I could think of to, hopefully, change my son’s view and start some conversation:

I deleted my character and made a new one, this time a female character.

It didn’t take long for my son to notice. The next time he came to the basement while I was playing the game we had another conversation.

“Where’s your other character?”

“I got rid of him and made this one.”

“Is that a GIRL?”

“Yes it is a girl”

“Why are you playing as a girl?”

“Because I think she is way cooler than my first character. She is a warrior and uses this big sword and charges into the bad guys to fight”

Long pause.

“Can I watch?”

Will my playing a female, instead of male, character make a huge difference in how my son perceives gender roles and stereotypes? I have no idea. But I figure it can’t hurt and we are at least talking about it now and can continue to talk about it when he watches me play.

Equally important, this video game and conversation has me realizing areas in my life where I am modeling behavior that is supporting gender stereotypes and inequality and I need to change that.

Asasha Veil, my female character, is at least one step in the right direction.

Does making a small change like this help? What seemingly small changes could you make to help model gender equality? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

She Let Go…..

December 6, 2014featured, homepage, News & Updateschoices, courage, domestic violence, gender based violence, gender violence, poem, poetry, reverend Safire Rose, she let go, shine brightly, youIndrani Goradia

A beautiful poem by Rev. Safire Rose

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a
book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyse whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Love & light,

Team ILF

Indrani’s Light Foundation

Supporting Advocates to Support Others

Tag Archives: courage

Violence IS NOT Par for the course….

Men need to become better leaders…and as a man this is terrifying

What would you do if you witnessed this incident?

My friend Ray and the lesson of black tape…..

To be assertive or to not be assertive…a task we face every day of our lives.

One simple act…..

Stopping sexism towards men – A solution for gender based violence?

Let’s all do more of these in the New Year…..

Female Avatars – Helping teach about gender equality?

She Let Go…..

Give to Indrani’s Light Foundation