Tag Archives: courage

Bricks are for building….NOT throwing at people!

July 31, 2013Uncategorizedan empowered no, choices, courage, domestic violence, fear, how to say no, jealousy, letting go of negative, love yourself, National Abuse Hotline, out of control anger, standing your ground, Stop domestic violence, use your voice, violence, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

I was having a lazy morning the other day and as I flipped through channels I came across one of those Judge shows.
I don’t remember who the judge was BUT I do remember what the case was.

Woman: He threw a brick at my car and broke my windshield.
Man: She made me do it, because she makes me so mad.
Judge: Tell me exactly what happened, Sir.
Man: She is always running around and makes me so jealous and she is always going out at night……
Judge to woman: Tell me Ma’am, do you go out a lot at night?
Woman: Yes your Honor, I am a party planner and I have to stay at the event. I have been doing this for 3 years and I keep telling him that I am not fooling around….

I could not believe what I was hearing…right in front of me was the unraveling of a relationship because of raging jealousy and out of
control anger. This woman was lucky that this man had not already maimed or killed her.

The woman said she had seen this out of control anger but kept trying to reason with him.

She kept telling him how faithful she was and he just never believes her.

SHE GOT LUCKY!
SHE GOT OUT!

All of the signs were there and she did not add them up, UNTIL the shit hit the fan…the BRICK hit THE CAR!

Thankfully the brick did NOT hit her!

Abuse starts and ends the same way:
1. Incident sets the abuser off
2. The act of abuse
3. The honeymoon phase.

Yes, it is that easy… there is always a trigger, the actual violence and the “Oh baby, I am so sorry”…

It is not so easy to leave, and that makes the abuser gain strength.
The longer you stay the more strength the abuser gains.

If someone is throwing, hitting, slapping, raping, dragging, cuffing, etc…try to get out.

Call the National Hotline…1-800-799-SAFE or visit http://www.thehotline.org/

Love and light,
Indrani

She is NOT a mistake…..

July 27, 2013Uncategorizedbrave, bravery, courage, gender violence, mistake, she is not a mistake, you are precious, you were not a mistakeIndrani Goradia

Ma’am, now I know I am not a mistake.

She slowly stood up from her seat in the auditorium. She was getting ready to respond to my question.

“What do you know now that you did not know 3 hours ago?”

She shyly stood and said, “Indrani, ma’am, now I know I am not a mistake.”

She had a certain knowing in her eyes and a soft giant-ness in her voice when she delivered those words.

The whole room erupted with applause. My eyes stung with tears and I recognized the face of courage and bravery.

She had been told since the day she was born that she was a mistake because she was not a boy.

She was told that she was worth less than a male child.

She was told that she was a burden, only eating and using up resources.

She would be sold off or married off to the highest bidder as soon as her father could arrange it.

Now, here, in this room, 18 years after her birth, she is ready to believe otherwise.

Love and light

Indrani

Life Imitating Cinema…..

July 6, 2013Uncategorizedchoices, courage, do for others, do your best, give wholeheartedly, happiness, Happiness Therapy, letting go of negative, love, love others, love yourself, say no to drama, step out of your comfort zone, youIndrani Goradia

I recently had a long flight and got a chance to watch some movies. The one that intrigued me most was Happiness Therapy.

Short version:

Guy seems to be bipolar, freaks out when he catches his wife having shower sex and has a big fight with the shower sex guy. Wife leaves him. He is released from a Psych hospital to live with his parents and he is hyper-focused on getting his wife back. His father is a bookie and has major OCD issues, expects the son to just sit and hold two remotes while the Eagles play whoever they are playing. Guy meets a girl who is also struggling with her issues and invites him to be her dance partner in a competition, in exchange for giving the ex wife a letter.

As I watched it, I was mesmerized by how simple the lesson was for the world.

Here is my take….

This guy is struggling to deal with his mental stuff and trying to think of ways to get back his wife. The girl gives him a chance to help her fulfill one of her dreams and with that promise, he begins to think of someone other than himself and to think of something other than the ex wife.

He practices the dance moves constantly and he is physically exhausted and seems to be getting more mental clarity.

The girl shows him how to tap into real emotion and how to sit with the feelings, also how to bring the emotions to the dance floor.

Meanwhile his father talks him into going to the stadium, where he gets into another fight and he gets arrested.

His father makes a bookie bet on what score he will get in the dance competition and puts additional pressure on his son.

Lessons for all of us

Do something significant for someone else.
The something must be out of our comfort zone, so we can rewire our brains.
Stay away from people who try to put us back into their dramas, even if those people are family.
Do our best in the new commitment and with feeling and purpose.
When people make bets on whether we do well or not, ignore them, they are toxic.
Give wholeheartedly to the people we are helping.

I know that this blog may seem a little “pie in the sky” but it is really a good formula for permanent change.

Watch this movie, Happiness Therapy…it may help to cement these lessons.

Love and light,

Indrani

Are you a fence post?

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedabuse, an empowered no, choices, courage, domestic violence, end the silence, end violence, fear, love yourself, protect your child, protect yourself, right action, self love, self respect, speak up, speak your truth, standing your ground, start new, Stop domestic violence, take action, truth, truthful speech, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

A few months ago I was at a program at Kripalu and while on a walk one morning I observed some people building a fence.

That in of itself was not a big deal, except for the tool that was used to set the fence post.

It looked like a metal hat that fit over the top of the post and was used the push the post into the ground so it would be as sturdy as possible.

I immediately thought about women who were beaten down by others into being submissive and “put in their place” so the family system could be supported, whether the system was healthy or not.

I imagined that every time a woman or girl was told to be silent about rape or other abuse, that she was like that fence post, rammed on the head to be quiet and stay silent so that the status quo could be maintained.

I imagined that every time a woman decided that it was better to suffer in silence than shed light on the inhumane treatment she was receiving at home, that she was the one who banged herself into submission.

I imagined that she saw herself as the post and the tool. Maybe the thinking is that she better not rock the post or the whole system will come crashing down and everyone will blame her.

These musings are of course my own imaginings and I could be very wrong.

I have no answers about why women accept abuse and why they don’t speak up the very first time it happens.

Perhaps if one of you reading this has been silent in the past, the image of being bashed over the head as if you are a fence post might help you to speak up and take action.

If you don’t speak up now…then perhaps you will in the not so distant future.

My hope is that you eventually protect yourself and protect the children who may be witnessing the abuse.

Love and light,

Indrani

Damaged people damage people…

June 15, 2013Uncategorizedbe present, choices, courage, damaged people, let go of toxic people, letting go of negative, letting go of the negative, love yourself, Marianne Williamson, navigating the ups and downs, negative attitude, negative people, right action, self love, self respect, standing your ground, tag action in the present, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

“Damaged people damage people.” Marianne Williamson
Does this sentence make sense to you?
Have you ever been in a room full of negative people and try as you may, they soon coat you with their negativity?
What is it about human nature that we tend to stick around toxic people in hopes of changing them?

You know if you are that type. I know that I used to be. The worse someone treated me, the longer I stuck around and the more emotional energy I invested in the relationship as if that would get me an A+ from some imagined professor. I would make excuses for them and tell my other friends things like, “Oh, if you ONLY knew the real so and so.” My friends would say, “If only YOU would see the real person, then you could get out.”

It is quite a pity that I had to get so old before I realized that I was wasting my time and energy with certain types of individuals. I wish I could bottle the knowledge gained from experience and give it away freely to younger women.

Unfortunately, that is not possible.
What I can do is compile a list of questions that you can ask yourself to get clarity about whether to stick around those certain individuals…here goes:

Do they make you feel better about yourself? I have a new favorite TV show called Nashville. There is a young couple on the show and he has
begun to mistreat her and accuses her of sidelining him. She tries to explain and she keeps trying to show him how much she loves him, BUT
it is not working. I want to scream at the TV and say LEAVE!

Do you feel like this person has a clear sense of what they want from their life? Is their path clear to them? If the person wants you to switch your life around so that they can be more comfortable, then this may be a sign that there is trouble in paradise.

Which begs the question, was there ever a paradise? Was there ever a time when you felt really supported and comforted? If not, why expect it now?
If yes, and something has changed, then find the courage to open up the conversation about what has changed AND do not accept blame heaped upon you.

Navigating the ups and downs of life is not easy and NEVER will be.
The easy thing to do is to accept the situation, lie and tell yourself that there is nothing you can do and THEN DO NOTHING!
Yes, doing nothing about people who make you feel like the scum of the earth is easy in the SHORT run!
In the LONG run, it is the best way to lose yourself to lies and pain.
The LONG run is what needs to be addressed, by being courageous enough to take action in the PRESENT, the shorter run.

This really is the only way!

Love and light,
Indrani

A passionate response to violence against women….

June 5, 2013Uncategorizedabuse, choices, courage, domestic violence, Patrick Stewart, standing your ground, Stop domestic violence, use your voice, violence, youIndrani Goradia

Patrick Stewart says, “Men can do the most to help women.”

He uses his voice against domestic violence in support of his mother who was a victim.

He said that police officers used to say, “Mrs. Stewart, you must have done something to provoke him….it takes 2 to have an argument. “

He said, “My mother did nothing and even if she did violence is NEVER an option.”

Click on the image below to hear what else Patrick Stewart has to say about domestic violence.

If you are being told by police and hospital workers that you may have done something to provoke an abuser, please quiet them and tell them to watch this.

Love and light,

Indrani

A BOTHERSOME GROWTH…

May 18, 2013Uncategorizedawareness, choices, courage, emotional growth, growth, letting go of negative, love yourself, making a decision, mental growth, mental surgery, mindfulness, self love, take the first step, youIndrani Goradia

It was the size of a small marble for more than 10 years, the lipoma on my shoulder.
I used to feel it right under my skin over my right shoulder, and I hoped it would go away.
Then it started growing and I STILL hoped it would go away.
Until it grew to a size that I no longer had to feel for it, I could see it. It was really there.
Today, I finally had the courage to remove it. I had to give in, to trust in the expertise of the surgeon and the anesthesiologist and I had to ask for help!
Also, I have to accept a scar in an obvious place on my shoulder.
So BIG DEAL!!! This really is NOT a big deal.

However, I have such growths in my mental body and in my emotional body. I have ignored them and I have hoped they would go away. They’ve grown so large that they have become my blind spots. They feed my prejudices. They become the elephant in the room. They drag toxic energy wherever I go.

What would it take to rid myself of these elephants and these blind spots?

It takes making a decision.
It takes awareness.
It takes mindfulness.
It takes courage.

The best thing about the “lipomas” of my mind is that I won’t need to be put to sleep and I won’t have any physical pain when I remove them. The pain happens only if leave them IN my mind and heart.

Will you do the necessary mental surgery to get rid of the mental and emotional lipomas?
Take the first step, admit them.
Love and light,
Indrani

Deep down, we all want to run around naked…

May 1, 2013featured, homepagebest, body image, choices, courage, cover our blemishes, fear, imperfections, Inner light, kick perfection to the curb, letting go of negative, love yourself, self love, true self, youIndrani Goradia

We cover our bodies to hide our imperfections.

We use make-up to cover our blemishes.

There are so many products out there to cover up our flaws.

But regardless of what we look like on the outside, deep down don’t you just want to run around naked? Naked in that you do not have to cover up who you really are? Don’t you wish you could let your flaws….the mole, the freckles, your imperfect smile, just be out there for everyone to see? Wouldn’t it be great to be able to show our open wounds, our vulnerabilities, the scars from the miles traveled? Imagine the freedom to be trusting enough to allow others see the tears on our face, the awkward jig we do around the room when we are happy and to hear us sing out of tune when our hearts are full of joy.

We have become obsessed with covering up our bodies, our emotions and our thoughts.
I say quit your grinnin’ and drop your linen!

Expose your body, your feelings, your soul….if not to others, then to yourself.
You’ll be amazed.

What would you do?

April 27, 2013featured, homepageabuse, an empowered no, choices, courage, domestic violence, fear, how to say no, love yourself, respect, right action, seek help, self love, self respect, standing your ground, start new, use your voice, violence, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Answer me, oh my love, just what sin have I been guilty of?
Won’t you tell me where I’ve lost your love?
Please answer me sweetheart….so goes the first verse of an old song by Nat King Cole.
I grew up with this song….I can hear my father crooning the words along with the radio and I remember thinking that my Dad was such a great singer.

These words popped into my head, quite suddenly, as I was pondering how to start writing about a violent interaction I recently witnessed at Union Station in NYC.

I was walking along, happy that my legs were carrying me and that my eyes were still amazed at the sights around me.

Then my ears heard loud shouting and screaming. The voice belonged to a man and I began to look around to see if I could possibly be in the line of fire.

Then I saw her, SHE was in the line of fire, not me. She was pushed up against a fence, his face was pushed up fiercely against her face, and she was cowering and trying to squirm away.

THEN he drew his head back as if he were cocking a gun and he let the SPIT fly from his mouth right into her face.

She was stunned!
She tried to wipe it off, but his face was once again smashed up against hers and she could barely get her fingers between the faces to wipe off the spit bullets.

I am barely 5 foot 1 inch tall….man, did I wish I were a six footer and young so that I would have felt strong enough to pull him off of her.
I thought, “This is definitely NOT What Would You Do, and there is no John Quinones to come out and allay my fears for this girl.”
I felt helpless.

After a few more well chosen words, he huffed and puffed away.

She finished wiping her face and pushed the baby stroller in front of her. The innocent was still asleep.
I hurried along side of her and begged her to let me help.

I offered to walk with her, to take her somewhere, asked what could do to help.

She kept shaking her head from side to side, saying a shame-filled, non-verbal NO as her tears began to flow.

I cannot stop thinking about her.

Where is she? Did he kill her? Is the baby safe? Did she finally decide to leave him?

SHE is not the only one in such horrendous situations. SHE is EVERYWHERE!
Are you one of those women?
Are you being tormented by someone who used to love you?
Is he telling you that he still loves you and that this is entirely your fault?
Do you believe those lies?

Have you lost your will to fight anymore?
Do you feel worthless?
Do you sit and wonder what you can do to win back his love?

I encourage you to put your last pieces of energy into learning to love yourself.

Even if you feel that you are not worthy of love, try to find a friendly ear to talk to so that you can get some of those dark feelings out.

No one should have to live with violence, whether it is sexual, verbal or physical!

Some people have told me that my definition of abuse is too broad, I disagree.
I believe an abusive action is ANYTHING that makes you feel unsafe and fearful.
If people cannot control their anger and blame you for THEIR explosion, that is pure BS!
We are all PERSONALLY responsible for self regulation!
They are responsible for their inappropriate behaviors and you are responsible for your safety and happiness.

If you cannot even think what to do next, please call a shelter close to you. There are many support groups ready to help you find some answers.
Please do not seek help from your friends who accept abuse themselves.
Do not let anyone tell you “it’s not so bad.”

Seek help from qualified people.
Often it is better to go outside the family to get objective advice.
Telling the abuser’s mother that you are scared of her son will do you little good, she is HIS mother. You need to find objective support.

Be safe.

Love and light,
Indrani

All WE need is SELF LOVE….

April 24, 2013featured, homepagebeliefs, best, choices, courage, letting go of negative, love yourself, respect, right you, self doubt, self love, self respect, shine brightly, standing your ground, truth, use your voice, values, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

I will respect myself without your permission.

I will respect my work.

I will seek counsel from trusted advisors.

My work will be my life message.

My life will reflect my beliefs and values.

My values will be visible to ME at all times.

I will respect myself at equal or higher levels than I respect any others.

I expect equal levels of respect from all I meet.

I will not make excuses for my activism.

I will support myself with all of my resources.

I am whole and I am unique.

When faced with your doubt I will not accept it as my own.

When faced with my own doubt I will meet it with love, not fear.

My work is grounded in love.

My love fuels my drive.

Love and light,

Indrani

Indrani’s Light Foundation

Supporting Advocates to Support Others

Tag Archives: courage

Bricks are for building….NOT throwing at people!

She is NOT a mistake…..

Life Imitating Cinema…..

Are you a fence post?

Damaged people damage people…

A passionate response to violence against women….

A BOTHERSOME GROWTH…

Deep down, we all want to run around naked…

What would you do?

All WE need is SELF LOVE….

Give to Indrani’s Light Foundation