Tag Archives: domestic violence

What we do here at ILF….

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**Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

 

10272679_10152456770534048_8792785988925842137_oHere at Indranis Light Foundation we want to END Gender Based Violence, Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner violence … #endGBV, #endIPV.

We don’t just want to end GBV (Gender Based Violence), we want to see your HOME be your place of safety and solitude.

We want to provide tools for you and your family members to work through normal conflict and find new pathways to familial peace and security.

We know that being human means having conflict and differences of opinion.

We also know that every point of conflict is a point of connection if you know how to navigate the challenges and not just lash out while you are in pain and needing to hurt others.

We publish two unique blogs each week and we search the Web for stories that are of use to you and serve as examples for what we are trying to teach.

 

Please take some time to look through the past blogs and see if you can find some answers to your questions.

 

We love to hear from YOU.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Counteracting the internal predator…being supportive to self.

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70620889.Y2hPFqyeWe all have internal voices that regale us with how many things we do wrong.

This voice seems to take great pleasure in rendering us helpless in the face of challenge.

It happily reminds us about all the things we failed to finish. It shifts and disrupts the ground from under our feet with all the things we can’t do.

If we believe these internal onslaughts, we remain tightly wrapped and bound by our failures instead of being able to open up those failures and glean the lessons in each.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run with Wolves tells us we can “dismantle the assaults of the natural predator by taking to heart and working with what is truthful in what the predator says and discarding the rest.”

If my internal predator says “you are so wasteful, you have so much fabric and never finish any quilts”…I can calmly tell myself that I have made and finished more that 12 quilts and each child has at least two quilts handmade completely by me.

This example is quite tame. It can happen, however that my internal predator can tell me something like:

“Oh, so you think you are so special and want to end Gender Violence? Well missy….YOU have been yelling at people all your life. You even yelled at someone last week! Who are you to think you can do this?”

I will then have to have the presence of mind to remind myself that I am human and while I still do yell, I am trying to stay calm in situations and to treat others as I want to treat myself.

If I can do these exercises with my OWN internal predator, then I have a fighting chance to speak MY truth in the face of an external predator.  The person who wants to abuse me physically, emotionally or verbally is an example of an external predator, whereas, an internal predator is the negative voice that tries to bring me down.

The external predators can do serious damage to my psyche and if I do not develop the internal muscles against my internal predators then I have very little chance of standing up to external predators.

Estes tells us that we can “dismantle our predator by maintaining our intuitions and instincts and by resisting the predator’s seductions.”

How do you hone your instincts when the world is ready to tell you that what you feel is false and that your instincts are stupid?

The only answer is that YOU must believe in YOU!

You have to be courageous enough to know that you have deep understandings about life.

You can sit in prayer or mediation and recall times in your life when you did listen to your instincts and were happy because you did.

Like any skill, listening to your instincts is a muscle you must build up.

You must have patience, and practice on little things.

For example, if someone asks you to do something, instead of answering from your head, take a few minutes to notice the way your body is reacting to the request.

Do you feel happy and joyful, or heavy and dark when you think of the request?

Only you will be able to read the signs that your body give you.

Then, you have to be courageous enough to follow your natural instincts.

This may mean that you have to say NO to things you used to say YES to.

I know someone who recently told her boyfriend that she would no longer take part in orgy sex. She was very scared to do it and felt he would leave her if she refused. Whenever she had done it in the past, she felt dirty and less worthy but he always told her that she was the prettiest one in the room. She so badly wanted to hold on to him, she continued with behaviors that left her feeling empty and nauseous.

When she finally decided to stop the orgy sex, she delivered her decision and he promptly left her. He found someone who would do exactly what he told her to do.

It took her a while to recover but now she is happy that she found the courage to end that part of her life.

She had to get used to a new normal. A life without big lavish parties…but now she has her life and her body and self worth.

When you decide to counteract the internal predator it will mean that you must get used to a new normal.

Give yourself time to craft the new way.

Give yourself a pat on the back every time you kick the internal predator to the curb.
Love and light,
Indrani

The cost of higher education……

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A new study from Population and Development Review finds that educated Indian women face a heightened risk of Intimate Partner Violence.

According to a Population Council Journal Article, Abigail Weitzman, a graduate student at New York University, found that compared to women with less education than their husbands, women with more education face 1.4 times the risk of IPV, 1.54 times the risk of frequent violence, and 1.36 times the risk of severe violence. She found a similar pattern for women who were better employed than their spouse. And women who were the sole breadwinners in their family faced 2.44 times the risk of frequent violence and 1.51 times the risk of severe violence as unemployed women whose husbands were employed.

“In global development efforts, there is a large emphasis on women’s employment and education. My research suggests that there can be a backlash, including violence, toward women who attain greater education or earnings than their husbands,” says Weitzman.

This article is available free of charge for a limited time at http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1728-4457.2014.00650.x/pdf.

Education and employment for women is so important for cultures and nations to thrive….but the result of a backlash of increased domestic violence is not acceptable. What can YOU do to help move us to a world free of such violence?

Our free Live a Brighter Life Empowerment Program for Living is a great place to start.

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

How One Philanthropist is Changing Lives…Part One

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women-in-indiaI am so honored to be shining a light on gender violence. Many thanks to the entire PSI Team and to Mom Bloggers for Social Good for featuring this article about our recent trip to India and helping to spread the light.

 

http://mombloggersforsocialgood.com/2014/03/13/how-one-philanthropist-is-changing-lives-for-indias-women-and-girls/

Malignant impulses….aka acid attacks!

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photo (1)I have been reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ Women Who Run with Wolves and I came upon these two words… Malignant Impulses.

I stopped dead in my tracks and tried to digest these two words that she so magically strung together.

The dictionary defines Malignant as “passionately and relentlessly malevolent” and “evil in nature, influence or effect.” Some other words that are similar to malignant are:

  • Cruel
  • Hateful
  • Malevolent
  • Spiteful
  • Vicious.

We really do know DEEP down that to have a malignancy in one’s life is a straight path to hell, then imminent death.

Impulse is defined as, “a force so communicated as to produce motion suddenly” and “a propensity or natural tendency OTHER than rational.”

If we speak English, we KNOW how powerful the stringing of Malignant is with Impulse.
We GET the meaning in our gut. We have a visceral understanding of these words.

It really does not matter what the dictionary says, we all know the energy of malignant. A malignant tumor is one that will kill you.
It screams aggression and it also screams that life as you know it will be forever changed.

We also know (if we are honest with ourselves) and understand impulses.
If you have children you have invested thousands of hours in helping them to control impulses…especially in the classroom.
If I had a penny for every time I tried to teach impulse control, I would have LOTS of money.

When we think of abuse we can see how malignant impulse can be applied and it makes sense.
People who use abuse can be called malignant beings. They infect others with their special brand of pain or cruelty.
They always have their reasons, like so and so did not do what was asked so they HAD to be taught a lesson, punished and beaten back into submission.
The impulse that the abuser feels to impose their view of the world on someone else is often so fierce that they will not stand for any other words for their request but YES.

Telling an abuser NO makes them crazy and their malignancy comes flying out of their soul.

Acid Attacks are one such example of malignant impulses.

I met a young woman in Delhi whose name is Laxmi. She was 15 when a 32 year old man asked her to marry him.
He was a malignant being. She said no and he threw acid in her face and disfigured her for life.
He DID NOT, however, kill her spirit.
She is now an activist working with a campaign to STOP ACID ATTACKS.
She is a special brand of hero. Underneath all of her burned skin…she shines as brightly as 10,000 suns.

We may not be able to stop malignant people from their malignant impulses but we may be able to use our intuition to stay away from such nasty beings.

If you think you are in danger of someone’s malignant impulses, PLEASE try to get help. Tell LOTS of people what you suspect. Do NOT allow people to talk you out of your intuitive knowing.

You must be vigilant for your own welfare.

In the USA, acid attacks take the form of gun violence and you must be hyper vigilant of your surroundings.

Be careful and be strong.
Love and light,
Indrani

Some suitcases look just like yours….

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please check luggage carefully…and some lives look just like what you thought you wanted. Open carefully and give back when necessary.

Recently, on a domestic trip, I grabbed the wrong suitcase from the luggage carousel and went to my hotel room.
The suitcase looked exactly like mine until I gave a closer look.

When I tried to open it, I saw that a zip tie had been used to secure the zippers.
Odd, I thought, but I just called down to Guest Services and they sent someone with a pair of scissors.

When the hotel staff member arrived he offered to also cut off the luggage tag and I told him, “Sure, go ahead.” How nice of him.

So now, I did not have the tag to check the name on the suitcase.

I laid the suitcase on the floor and then saw the “heavy” tag which, again, I thought was odd….I did not think it was that heavy. Perhaps I am just really strong!

Then I saw that the outer lining that protected the zipper was torn but I knew that my lining was perfect when I left home.

I opened the suitcase, MY suitcase, and WHOA……
A man’s belt and men’s shoes.
I slammed the suitcase SHUT and immediately called the airline.
I admitted my error, jumped into a taxi and WHEW, my suitcase was patiently waiting and I made the exchange.

The only question I asked was this, “Was the owner of this bag coming home? Did he at least get to go to a home stocked with lots of extra clothes?” She said, “Yes, this is home for him.” The airline person DID NOT even ask for my ID! It was clear to her from the whole story that the suitcase was indeed mine!

How can I turn this into a life lesson?

It took a night’s sleep for the lesson to form. Here goes!
Suppose that the suitcase represented a LIFE that I knowingly signed up for.
So let’s suppose marriage and being a married woman was the lot that was chosen.
How would I know IF the type of marriage (suitcase) was the kind that I signed up for?
I would have to live with the marriage for a while and see how it suited my values and desires.
I would do my best and be my best and respect my husband as I would hope he would respect me.

Suppose that I began to see signs of “Umm, this seems ODD.”
Much like the few times I thought ODD when I further inspected the luggage that was not mine.
I might begin to see that the “fabric” of my soul was being torn and ripped; much like the lining of the bag that I noticed was torn.
I might say, “Whoa, I came into this union whole and complete with good values and morals but now I see things that I did not see before.”
Perhaps, my spouse begins to cheat and get drunk and come home being belligerent. Perhaps, I keep making excuses and deny what I am seeing….a sign that things need to be addressed.

Next, I might be told that “women in this family do not __________.” This could be anything from talking to people outside the family or having to wear certain clothing, to not even showing your face when visitors arrive at your home.

I may continue to think… ODD, this is not the kind of restricted life for which I entered into legal contract!
Like the zip tie that I saw on the zippers that I did not put there, I may have again, not paid in depth attention to the first signs of a shrinking and bound life.

How about the “Heavy” sticker that I saw on the suitcase that was not mine? I may not realize that my feelings of self worth seem to be gone and my heart is heavy with grief. I may again, decide to ignore the signs that things are not what I want for my life.

Until, I take the time to actually OPEN the marriage and LOOK inside, I may NOT realize that what I am seeing is NOT what I want to have in my life.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in “Women Who Run with Wolves” tells us that women who must break from a life that is not what they envisioned must “be able to see and STAND what they see.”

Able to See and Stand what you see!

What a powerful thought.

As far as the suitcase goes, I saw and I clearly understood that IT was not mine and I returned it.

In an abusive marriage, the woman MUST be able to open up her eyes and SEE very clearly that THIS ABUSE is NOT what she had agreed to and that she has been fooled.

Can she STAND to see the truth to save herself?

Please do not think that I am equating an abusive marriage with as simple a thing as a suitcase, I am not. I am only trying to tell you a story that would open up a few new windows in your soul, should you have to make a hard decision about your marriage or any relationship.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes also tells us that a woman MUST be able to answer a few questions and be ok with the responses.
One of these questions is, “What do I know deep in my ovarios that I wished I did not know?”
She refers to ovarios as the mythological part of the women that carries deep wisdom, where the seeds of knowledge are stored.

Life is not as easy as returning a suitcase that belongs to someone else.
It does not have to be as horrific as living with an abuser or predator either.
The choice is that of the one being abused.
The abused MUST be able to stand what she is seeing and make plans to save her life.
The abuser is NOT the one with the internal power.
The ABUSED has the internal power and she has to be willing to look into the darkness and see what only SHE can see.

Be brave and be strong and ASK for help.
Love and light,
Indrani

Respect for women trumps an order to gang rape a girl!

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Recently in the news, an elder Tribesman ORDERED a girl to be gang raped!
This took place in a remote village in India.
Sorry to have opened this blog so abruptly. There is no other way to speak this horror other than to just spit it out.

The elder took part in the rape.

The whole village watched and stood by as a young girl was tied and ravaged because she dared to choose her own husband.

My mind has been racing since I read this….my head aching with all the elements that I do not understand.

I have so many questions:
How cruel has this man been in the past?
How many people had he already raped?
How much has he abused his wife?
How many rapes had the other rapists previously committed?

You see, from where I stand an elder does not “all of a sudden” decide to become a rapist.
And sane men do not just blindly follow an order to gang rape a young girl.

It is VERY likely that the elder has been a bully for quite a while AND he has gotten away with it.

No one in the village reported him for his cruelty and lack of basic humanity and so he grew in power and pride and found himself in a powerful position where he could “make” a group of men gang rape a young girl.

Did those men have a choice? YES, they did. They could have all said NO… this will not happen.

It was heart breaking to read that the village women blamed the girl for the horrific acts of the elder and the other rapists.

My heart wants to know how many other rapes and violence against women has been happening in this village that has up until now, gone unnoticed. How many women have been suffering in silence? Perhaps this instance of horrific acts will help to pry open a little more the plight of women and girls. Just like the gang rape on the bus in New Delhi where the victim died and the furor against these practices started. Perhaps this instance will further that fight.

I can only hope.

What is our takeaway here?

A bully needs to be reported at the first infraction lest he be voted in an elder at a later date. In this country, report the abusers lest they become our political leaders!

Speak up for your rights and keep speaking up….speak loudly and often and never shut up.
And MEN…
If someone tells you to rape someone say in a loud voice,
I AM NOT A RAPIST…and then report them to the authorities.

Please let us bring back humanity to the human race.

Love and light and compassion to all women who have suffered rape,
Indrani

What could better personal boundaries do for you?

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What do you suppose BETTER PERSONAL boundaries can do for you?

Andrea J. Lee and I are leading a series of six classes next week and we begin with SETTING BOUNDARIES.

These classes are FREE and they are great life enhancing tools.

Click the following link to register now for Six Live Sessions & Accompanying Recordings:

http://www.liveabrighterlife.eventbrite.com/

Please feel free to share this link with anyone who might be interested in this free training.

The ‘Live a Brighter Life’ Online Program is a free offering to benefit all our lives and to pave the way for future trainers of the work. The six sessions of LABL will be mandatory for participants wishing to enter ILF Train-the-Trainer program.

Total recall…or false memories

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black-blackandwhite-fun-grey-memories-favim-coThere is a new movie out called Total Recall. I have not seen it and this is not a commentary on that movie.

Rather, this is about what we remember and what we choose to forget.

I know for a fact that three people will have three different interpretations for any particular event. They may get the facts right, like who married whom, but their memories of the service and wedding will be different.

I am wondering if what I remember is really what happened or could I have been convinced that I remembered wrongly?
People are quick to interrupt us and tell us how “it really happened.” I have been witness to many a marital fight that was based on who remembered “correctly.”

How have my memories been changed/affected by what others tell me?

When a child reports abuse and is told that it did not take place, how do they reconcile the feedback vs. the facts. When someone tells you that you were “rude” such and such a time and you don’t remember it that way, what do you do with the information? When an abused woman tells her mother-in-law that she is being beaten, will the mother-in-law believe? And how will that change the intensity of the woman’s memory in the moment?

Do you ever doubt your own memories?
Have you ever been challenged on your memories and have you felt like you are losing your mind?
By this I mean, you really, with absolute clarity, recall some event, only to be set upon by others, hell bent on changing your mind.

I don’t mean the give and take that happens between good friends, or people teasing you. I mean the mean-spirited verbiage that can erupt when you least expect it. I believe that people attack our memories when the memory makes them uncomfortable. Of course, I have no empirical proof of this statement…it is simply an intuition that I have having lived for more than 58 years.

Will they try to talk us out of our memory if it was a favorable memory to them?

Do you ever talk people out of a memory they have of you?
What would you hear if you asked a TRUSTED friend about something you both experienced together?
Would you be surprised at what they remembered? Would you be happy or upset?

Would you think that they judged you?

Would you judge them or yourself based on their recollection?

I have found that memories are like water….they slip away quietly but leave evidence of having been there.
I am oftentimes surprised by the amount of time I waste trying to wrestle a memory from its hiding place.
When this happens, it usually means that I am trying to “build a case” to prove something in the present.
I have come to loathe “case building.”
I hate when I do it and I despise when someone does it to me.

So, the next time you remember something, ask yourself these helpful questions:

  1. Will this help me to navigate what’s happening in the present?
  2. Why do I feel the need to unearth this memory now? Will it be a joyful experience?
  3. If it will bring me pain, what can I learn from the pain that I haven’t already learned?

Life is but a series of memories…make sweet ones.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Fuel enough to burn through gravity!

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rocket-launchHave you ever seen a shuttle lift off?

From what I have read, shuttles use over half of their fuel supply to break out of the earth’s gravitational pull.
After the shuttle breaks free, the fuel usage drops significantly.
If there is not enough combustion and the propulsion does not quite allow the shuttle to break out then all that initial work, all that burning will be for naught!
The shuttle will fall back down and shatter.

I like this metaphor for looking at what it takes to leave an abuser.
In order to leave, you have to have some initial fuel. Perhaps it’s a threat that you finally believe. Perhaps it’s yet another physical attack. Something fuels you to run for your life.
If you do not have the reserves of fuel to help you to stay gone (breaking free of the gravitational pull of the abuser) you will fall right back into their pull and burn up, all over again!

What are those reserves of fuel?

Those reserves are LOVE for yourself and your children.
Those reserves are finally realizing that your abuser tells you LIES!

The lies are that you are worthless, that you cannot survive without them, that you will live under a bridge or that NO ONE could ever love you.

Lies… All LIES!

The deeper you dig to find YOUR truths the better chance you have to stay gone to continue to free yourself of the gravitational pull of the abuser.

Abusers, like gravity, like to pull you DOWN.
They do not like you to move and think on your own. If they want you to think, they will TELL you what to think, when to think and how long to think it.
Abusers like to see themselves as mind readers, as purveyors of Truth!
The world revolves around them and the only thing that matters is what they believe to be so.
Read this former blog post, Bricks are for building and get an insight into some real life abuse.

How do you reserve enough fuel so that you can stay gone?
Some of the things you can do are:

  • TALK to professionals about your abuse.
  • Gather information on how abuse and abusers work.
  • Begin to identify the pattern in your abuse. 1. Event 2. Abuse 3. Honeymoon** 4. Apologies

**Note that in this 3rd stage, The Honeymoon Stage, is when the gravitational pull to go back to the abuse is strongest. You WANT to believe that he means it THIS time. You want to believe that he WILL never hit or rape or threaten you again. Oh, how you LONG to believe it. Beware of this gravitational pull.

All abuse follows this formula.
Sometimes the time frame between the stages varies from minutes to hours to days and even months. I have also seen the stages take years, but it still follows this formula. The abuse is still present.

Keep notes (in a VERY safe place) and note how many things you are being accused of. Ask yourself if you are really that powerful as to make those things all happen.
If indeed you WERE that powerful, would you not make the abuser stop hurting you?

You cannot fight this fight alone. It takes a whole team of qualified engineers and staff personnel to safely send that shuttle off into space. You need a team of qualified people to help you to blast away and more importantly, stay away.

Find your team.
Refill your fuel reserves.
Blast away.
Stay away.
Far away, until you love yourself SO much, that you will never again believe the lies.

Love and light,
Indrani