Tag Archives: domestic violence

Sister Rosetta Tharpe….thank you!

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rosetta sharpe via prwebShe was married off at 19 to a preacher who just wanted her to make him money. He used her in his churches and he treated her badly in the privacy in their home.

She found the courage to leave the marriage and she and her Mom made their way to NYC. She soon found a way to make a life for herself and her Mom by singing in the many clubs.

By 25, she was one of the most popular musicians of the day. She established herself in less than 5 years in a male dominated industry.

What can we learn from Ms. Rosetta Tharpe?

We can learn the following:

If you are being abused…leave and take someone you love.

When you need to support yourself, find ways to use your divine gifts and use them often.

If tradition tells you NOT to do something, defy it and do it anyway. Trust your talent.

The young African American performers of today have much to thank Ms. Rosetta Tharpe for and are standing on her shoulders.

All of us are standing on the shoulders of Ms. Rosetta Tharpe….let us make her proud of how far we have come as women.

Let us use our skills and stand on our own feet.

Let us trust ourselves and live with life and love in our hearts.

Let us not allow the traditional mores to rule our lives. Let the mores guide us instead.

Let us use our lives to make the world as we want it to be.

Sing your songs, in prose, poetry, with or without instruments, in blogs and in pod casts and do it with flair. We need your voices.

 

In 2008, January 11th was declared Sister Rosetta Tharpe Day in Pennsylvania.

She would never have guessed that such an honor would be awarded after her death….she was too busy just living and using her talents.

If we all use our gifts, what honors may be awarded posthumously? How may we make future generations proud?

Simple…

Sing.

Dance.

Live.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

The FULL COURT PRESS… You CAN stand up to them!

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Do you know what the phrase “full court press” means?

My novice understanding of basketball tells me it’s when the opposing team exports most of its players to guard your players the whole length of the court. Especially the greatest players on your team like the one who scores a lot or the one who is the 3 point expert…the player most like a young Michael Jordan. I think that Michael Jordan was the recipient of many a “full court press”.

When faced with the wrath of the opposing team, one must use all of one’s wiles and wits. One must pull every trick out of the hat…make any move, even if it seems counter intuitive. It’s either make a move (a swift move), find someone to pass the ball to or just go for the shot anyway, before the ref blows the whistle that you’ve held the ball too long.

Ok, big deal, why should you care about the theory of the full court press?

So glad you asked!

Let’s use our eagle eyes to zoom out from the basketball court and soar way above our lives and take some close looks at the predicaments that we have gotten ourselves into.

When you were a kid and another kid hurt you, did you want, even long for, your parents to come to your rescue? If the answer is yes, then you longed for the full court family press to save you because you could not save yourself. You wanted your team to surround you and help you to navigate the challenge at hand.

Did your parents ever go to your school to stand with you against an unfair accusation by a teacher? If so, you were the recipient of the Full Court Press. You see the full court press does not always work the way you want it to. You may not get the teacher to admit that they were wrong BUT you will have seen that your family came to your aid and that may be all that you needed. You were NOT being blamed by your people, only by the opposing team. Your people had your back!

The full court press can work in the exact opposite way.

Take for example, your spouse hits you, so bad that you had to go to the hospital. The doctor BY LAW must report alleged domestic violence. The police begin to question you and you finally break down and all the secrets come tumbling out. The secrets of many years can no longer be held in.

Be aware that the Full Court Family Press is about to be UNLEASHED on you. The press will probably be from the side of the battering spouse, maybe even the battered spouse side may jump in.

You may be pressed and pressured with words like;

He didn’t mean it.

What did you do to upset him?

What kind of mother are you to put your children’s father in jail?

What kind of wife are you to not know how to make your family happy?

What will the rest of the family say?

What will the priest/imam/rabbi/guru/scientologist say?

When you start being barraged by the Full court press, whose only goal is to get you to go back to being abused in silence, you MUST find someone on the outside that you can “send the ball” to.

This will be someone who wants to help you live a life of JOY.

This will be someone who understands your pain.

This will be someone who has your back.

The Full Court Press to repress your rights to a peaceful life may NEVER go away.

They may vow to make your life miserable and spread rumors about you throughout the town/village/Internet.

You cannot control their actions. You can only control your own actions.

So suit up and look around. Identify those on YOUR team and give them a heads up that you may be calling on them.

Gather your team slowly and purposefully. Don’t accept people who make you feel bad even when things are good. These people may not be able to hold your pain and be a part of your full court.

I hope this got you thinking about who is REALLY on your team.

You deserve a wonderful team.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Dancing with Wild Abandon

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WomanDancingonPorch via chatelaine.comI had seen her many times during the past few months. She is small and cute and always smiling.

For some reason, she always hugged me as soon as she saw me and we exchanged pleasantries.

When she danced in Zumba her hair flew, her hips spoke volumes and her arms were as expressive as the rest of the Latin lovelies in the class. She used her hair as another appendage and her golden locks flew every which way.

I always admired her ability to move fluidly and effortlessly, as I stomped about and pretended to be effortless also.

A few days ago, she lingered a little longer and I asked what she did when she was not in Zumba. She said she had two little ones, ages 2 and 5 and she takes care of them. I was surprised since she seemed to be 16 years old!

We talked a few more minutes and she asked, “You work in shelters?”

I replied, “Yes, I do.”

Without erasing her smile she said, “I was in a shelter in 2011.”

I am not easily surprised and I usually am not in “work” mode when at Zumba.

I paused and said, “The same man or another man?”

She said, “The same man.”

She continued, “He is not so bad these days.”

Then she said, “That is why I dance, to forget.”

She walked away with a sweet “Bye.”

I looked at her as she left, wanting to run to her and say I will always be here for you.

I could not, she did not ask me for my help.

I took comfort in knowing that she felt comfortable enough to speak her truth and that she has found a way to forget and deal with her pain.

Cardio for her heart…Zumba now holds a whole new meaning for me.

 

Love and Light,

Indrani

Bricks are for building….NOT throwing at people!

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one brick at a time via faithlifewomenI was having a lazy morning the other day and as I flipped through channels I came across one of those Judge shows.
I don’t remember who the judge was BUT I do remember what the case was.

Woman: He threw a brick at my car and broke my windshield.
Man: She made me do it, because she makes me so mad.
Judge: Tell me exactly what happened, Sir.
Man: She is always running around and makes me so jealous and she is always going out at night……
Judge to woman: Tell me Ma’am, do you go out a lot at night?
Woman: Yes your Honor, I am a party planner and I have to stay at the event. I have been doing this for 3 years and I keep telling him that I am not fooling around….

I could not believe what I was hearing…right in front of me was the unraveling of a relationship because of raging jealousy and out of
control anger. This woman was lucky that this man had not already maimed or killed her.

The woman said she had seen this out of control anger but kept trying to reason with him.

She kept telling him how faithful she was and he just never believes her.

SHE GOT LUCKY!
SHE GOT OUT!

All of the signs were there and she did not add them up, UNTIL the shit hit the fan…the BRICK hit THE CAR!

Thankfully the brick did NOT hit her!

Abuse starts and ends the same way:
1. Incident sets the abuser off
2. The act of abuse
3. The honeymoon phase.

Yes, it is that easy… there is always a trigger, the actual violence and the “Oh baby, I am so sorry”…

It is not so easy to leave, and that makes the abuser gain strength.
The longer you stay the more strength the abuser gains.

If someone is throwing, hitting, slapping, raping, dragging, cuffing, etc…try to get out.

Call the National Hotline…1-800-799-SAFE or visit http://www.thehotline.org/

Love and light,
Indrani

PTSD or PTG?

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African-American-woman-meditating1We all know that PTSD means Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but do you know what PTG means?
PTG is Post Traumatic Growth.
There is much evidence that there can be growth from trauma.
No one would choose to be traumatized.
Trauma is an uninvited visitor and some people turn it into amazing gifts.
These people describe their lives as before the (fill in the blank) and after.
They seem to be able to excavate the experience and come up with the most amazing insights.

I recently attended a Women and Power Conference and met many such women.
There was Loung Ung whose parents were executed by the Kymer Rouge. Loung was forced to be a child soldier and has now written three books and has returned to Cambodia more than 30 times to promote human rights and justice. You can learn about her at www.loungung.com

Then I was mesmerized by Ubaka Hill, who was raped starting at a very young age and has turned to music and drumming to promote healing and community building.
You can journey with her at www.ubakahilldrumsong.com

These women are JUST like you and me. Trauma found them and they found ways to self heal and to heal their respective communities.

I was an abused child and now I devote my life to help victims of Domestic Violence because by helping the mom I can help the child who has been abused or witnessed abuse.

I am no one special. My trauma gave me my super power of compassion and empathy.
My trauma made me special….the trauma that I did not invite.

I know that you too have had trauma that was UNinvited.
Will you talk to a professional about the best way to move through your pain and then will you step into PTG?

The growth is in there…and it wants to come out.
Love and light,

Indrani

A night at the movies…

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Woman watching movie with popcorn via travelssentials.comAnswer me oh my love, just what sin have I been guilty of?

Won’t you tell me where I’ve lost your love?

Please answer me sweetheart.

 

This was one of my father’s favorite songs by Nat King Cole. I know all the words.

The other day the song popped into my head and I had a whole new appreciation of the first two lines. If you can hear these words coming out of the mouth of an abused woman you will understand where I am going with this post.

Imagine you are looking at a movie, there is a couple that is wildly in love and after an amazing courtship they have a great marriage. A few years into the marriage, she is being picked apart…at first, just little stuff like the way she combs her hair or the way she laughs out loud. The things that were engaging and cute now become irritating.

She begins to see herself as “not good enough” for him anymore.

Isolation begins to set in. She feels isolated from him, from her friends and family and from herself.

She begins to feel inferior to him and others.

She may begin to self diagnose as “crazy” or “hysterical” and she accepts the pathologies and looks for confirmation that she is sick.

She gets diagnosed by a mental health professional as “depressed” and begins medication. Things at home never change for the better. In fact, things get worse because even though she may be feeling better inside the outside nit picking does not let up.

By now, the situation at home may have escalated to physical abuse and sexual abuse.

Now she feels really bad and even more depressed!

She begins to hate herself and the only way she can dispel the self hatred and pain is to turn on other women and judge and gossip. She begins to look for people worse off than her and she feels relief from the judgment.

As an observer of the movie, it is sad to see her life get so messed up so quickly. As an observer you want to shout to her tell her to get out!

It’s easy to see when others are being sidelined and abused. It is not so easy to see it in ourselves.

If any piece of this scenario applies to you, take a moment to look at the whole movie about how it got to this point and follow your own advice… Get OUT!

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Are you a fence post?

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santa-rosa-fence-post via themartinfencepost.blogspotA few months ago I was at a program at Kripalu and while on a walk one morning I observed some people building a fence.

That in of itself was not a big deal, except for the tool that was used to set the fence post.

It looked like a metal hat that fit over the top of the post and was used the push the post into the ground so it would be as sturdy as possible.

I immediately thought about women who were beaten down by others into being submissive and “put in their place” so the family system could be supported, whether the system was healthy or not.

I imagined that every time a woman or girl was told to be silent about rape or other abuse, that she was like that fence post, rammed on the head to be quiet and stay silent so that the status quo could be maintained.

I imagined that every time a woman decided that it was better to suffer in silence than shed light on the inhumane treatment she was receiving at home, that she was the one who banged herself into submission.

I imagined that she saw herself as the post and the tool. Maybe the thinking is that she better not rock the post or the whole system will come crashing down and everyone will blame her.

These musings are of course my own imaginings and I could be very wrong.

 

I have no answers about why women accept abuse and why they don’t speak up the very first time it happens.

Perhaps if one of you reading this has been silent in the past, the image of being bashed over the head as if you are a fence post might help you to speak up and take action.

If you don’t speak up now…then perhaps you will in the not so distant future.

My hope is that you eventually protect yourself and protect the children who may be witnessing the abuse.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

A passionate response to violence against women….

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Patrick Stewart says, “Men can do the most to help women.”
He uses his voice against domestic violence in support of his mother who was a victim.
He said that police officers used to say, “Mrs. Stewart, you must have done something to provoke him….it takes 2 to have an argument. “
He said, “My mother did nothing and even if she did violence is NEVER an option.”
Click on the image below to hear what else Patrick Stewart has to say about domestic violence.
If you are being told by police and hospital workers that you may have done something to provoke an abuser, please quiet them and tell them to watch this.
Love and light,
Indrani
Untitled

Your wounds birth your strengths…

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When animals get hurt, their wounds heal a little thicker and stronger.

Maybe that’s where the saying “thick-skinned” comes from.
This thickened flesh is called Proud Flesh.

Recently, I visited a shelter for women who had been burned by fire, and survived.

Their scars were visible and clear and it transformed them into people they did not recognize.
These transformations not only took place on the outside, with proud flesh, but also on the inside.
Some of them realized how precious their lives were.
They realized how much their children needed them, in ways they had not before the incident.
They found ways to fight through physical and emotional pain and to come out ahead.
One woman lifted up her arm to me and I thought she wanted to give me a high five. The therapist then told me she was showing me that she had regained control of her muscles and that meant she was a winner. I ran over and hugged her so tight, I may have squished her.
We were both giggling.

One of the stories stuck with me. One woman’s husband suspected her of infidelities that were all untrue. He wrapped his hands with a cloth soaked in gasoline, set them on fire and then he rushed and embraced his wife so they would both die. She managed to get away and her daughters are proud of her. She has healed and she is teaching her girls to be strong and fight back.

While at the shelter, the girls sang and danced for me and the mom, stood proudly on the side beaming with both her thickened skin and her thin skin that was not scorched. Her girls hugged her around her waist and one said to me “This is my mother.” The pride in them was palpable and the joy in her eyes could’ve lit up a whole city.

This woman has found a way to transcend her tragedy and focus instead on the love that still exists in her life.

When I think of my own life, I wonder at how I have overcome my hardships and am thrilled at the lessons I have gleaned from them.
One of my biggest gifts is Presence. The presence of mind to see, hear, taste and feel what is happening in the moment.

Recently, I had such an awakening. While steeped in the “tea” of the argument, I saw all the stuff around me. I noticed who was doing what, how they were responding, how I was responding and how I was processing the storm that was raging around me. I heard a soft voice say, “Save yourself” and I immediately stood up and left the toxic situation.

How could I hear that soft voice?

I could hear because I was listening. I was tuned into everything around me and NOT to defending myself.

There was no defense needed.

I was being accused.
I was put on trial.
I was convicted.

However, I remembered that I WAS NOT in a court of law. I was in my life. MY LIFE!
I choose to leave. I was already convicted, so what was the use of sticking around?

I offer the tool of Presence to you.

*******************

Try to stay in your own business.

How do you know if you are OUT of your business? The moment you ask, “Why is he/she acting/doing/behaving like…..”

These questions are a sure sign that you are trying to be in someone else’s head.
Devote your energy to questions like…

Why am I doing this?

Why do I want this? Or not want this.

What pattern can I see here that distresses me?

Do I really want to change that pattern?

Am I ready to suffer the emotional pain that I will feel when I attempt to change the entrenched patterns that are causing emotional turmoil?

***********************
Try to stay out of defense.

You know that you are defending yourself when your words just want to erupt. It feels like you cannot hold them back. Your mouth is controlling you, instead of you controlling your own mouth. You feel
that if you speak THIS ONE thing to THIS PERSON, then you will be vindicated.

Know this!

Both of you or a whole LOT of you are no longer in HEARING mode. Only mouths are working, and it is verbal diarrhea. You are puking and pooping all over each other AND you must leave the situation. If you
feel that you will be physically attacked if you try to leave, then you must call the authorities.

You are unsafe. You must get out.

Try to realize that NO AMOUNT of explaining can stop your accuser from
lambasting you.

*******************
Try to, as the soft voice said “Save yourself!”

How do you save yourself?
First, go to safety, a different room or house or city or country.
Only you can decide how far you must go to get away from the madness.

Then call a few trusted friends with whom you can weep and grieve.
Expect the pain to be severe and swift and expect to feel like you will die or at least drown.

It will also feel like you cannot breathe.
Yes, even breathing will take effort.
Your friends will remind you to breathe.

They will remind you about how wonderful you are.
You need SUPPORTIVE people.

Do not call people who will judge you or reprimand you.
Remember to treat yourself like a trusted friend.

Remember too, you must change to affect change.
Einstein said the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
You must DO something different to GET something different.

Allow yourself time for healing.
Stay connected to you; stay present by not building cases against the other person and stop going over old scenarios of past hurts.

That is a waste of good energy.
Go for a walk.
Meditate.
Pray.

Give these techniques a try and let me know how they work for you.
Love and light,
Indrani

What would you do?

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Answer me, oh my love, just what sin have I been guilty of?blame-on-women via spirit21.co.uk
Won’t you tell me where I’ve lost your love?
Please answer me sweetheart….so goes the first verse of an old song by Nat King Cole.
I grew up with this song….I can hear my father crooning the words along with the radio and I remember thinking that my Dad was such a great singer.

These words popped into my head, quite suddenly, as I was pondering how to start writing about a violent interaction I recently witnessed at Union Station in NYC.

I was walking along, happy that my legs were carrying me and that my eyes were still amazed at the sights around me.

Then my ears heard loud shouting and screaming. The voice belonged to a man and I began to look around to see if I could possibly be in the line of fire.

Then I saw her, SHE was in the line of fire, not me. She was pushed up against a fence, his face was pushed up fiercely against her face, and she was cowering and trying to squirm away.

THEN he drew his head back as if he were cocking a gun and he let the SPIT fly from his mouth right into her face.

She was stunned!
She tried to wipe it off, but his face was once again smashed up against hers and she could barely get her fingers between the faces to wipe off the spit bullets.

I am barely 5 foot 1 inch tall….man, did I wish I were a six footer and young so that I would have felt strong enough to pull him off of her.
I thought, “This is definitely NOT What Would You Do, and there is no John Quinones to come out and allay my fears for this girl.”
I felt helpless.

After a few more well chosen words, he huffed and puffed away.

She finished wiping her face and pushed the baby stroller in front of her. The innocent was still asleep.
I hurried along side of her and begged her to let me help.

I offered to walk with her, to take her somewhere, asked what could do to help.

She kept shaking her head from side to side, saying a shame-filled, non-verbal NO as her tears began to flow.

I cannot stop thinking about her.

Where is she? Did he kill her? Is the baby safe? Did she finally decide to leave him?

SHE is not the only one in such horrendous situations. SHE is EVERYWHERE!
Are you one of those women?
Are you being tormented by someone who used to love you?
Is he telling you that he still loves you and that this is entirely your fault?
Do you believe those lies?

Have you lost your will to fight anymore?
Do you feel worthless?
Do you sit and wonder what you can do to win back his love?

I encourage you to put your last pieces of energy into learning to love yourself.

Even if you feel that you are not worthy of love, try to find a friendly ear to talk to so that you can get some of those dark feelings out.

No one should have to live with violence, whether it is sexual, verbal or physical!

Some people have told me that my definition of abuse is too broad, I disagree.
I believe an abusive action is ANYTHING that makes you feel unsafe and fearful.
If people cannot control their anger and blame you for THEIR explosion, that is pure BS!
We are all PERSONALLY responsible for self regulation!
They are responsible for their inappropriate behaviors and you are responsible for your safety and happiness.

If you cannot even think what to do next, please call a shelter close to you. There are many support groups ready to help you find some answers.
Please do not seek help from your friends who accept abuse themselves.
Do not let anyone tell you “it’s not so bad.”

Seek help from qualified people.
Often it is better to go outside the family to get objective advice.
Telling the abuser’s mother that you are scared of her son will do you little good, she is HIS mother. You need to find objective support.

Be safe.

Love and light,
Indrani