Tag Archives: domestic violence

OBEY….

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Such a small word….yet, so many hidden consequences.

I do not know if modern wedding vows still tell a woman to obey her husband…this always bothered me.
Who decided that “certain” groups should OBEY certain other groups?
Children should obey their parents, even when the parent says to NOT tell the truth about sexual abuse within the family?
Wives should obey husbands, even when they are being instructed to do demeaning and sub-human activities? Or being treated like a slave, not receiving any respect or shown any kindness?

When abuse is taking place within a family system, this concept of OBEY becomes extremely problematic.
Should we obey to the point of emotional death?
Should atrocious acts against our person be allowed to continue because our Holy texts admonish us to OBEY?
Should we continue to accept the truck loads of blame dumped on to us because standing up to the in-house bullies will be seen as treason and disobedience?
Is keeping the family secrets more important than treating ourselves with love and kindness?

These are questions we must all answer for ourselves.

I hope you chose to treat yourself with kindness and respect even if those with whom you live refuse to give you the time of day except when they yell, shout and berate you.

It takes great courage to look at your tear stained face in the mirror and say to yourself, “No more will I accept this treatment, these hateful words and this constant barrage upon my soul.”

May you be blessed with courage, vast and strong.
May you be blessed with compassion for yourself.
May you be filled with self empathy and self resilience.
May your heart be free of all past burdens.

Love and light,
Indrani

Spit in my face? What does that mean?!

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When you spit in my face…what does that mean?ashamed-woman via zawaj.com

A few weeks ago, I saw a man spit in a woman’s face.
He straightened up and spit, aiming right for her face.
She was stunned.
She froze and she looked like a deer in the head lights.

What was he trying to communicate?
What words would he have chosen if he had chosen to speak words instead?
What could he have been thinking when he CHOSE to spit in her face?

Will she choose to go back to him?
Will she choose to forget her humiliation and her embarrassment?
Will her friends and family make her feel like she should put it behind her?
Will she succumb to the voices that say it may have been her fault?
Will people expect her to explain her behaviors?

What else might he do?
What other insults has she or will she suffer?
When is it enough?!

What have you been exposed to that has made you feel like this woman?
When will enough be enough?

Who can decide?
ONLY YOU.
Only YOU.

Love and light
Indrani

Join the rising….

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Want to hear a horrifying statistic? One out of every three women will be beaten or raped in her lifetime. That’s ONE BILLION mothers, sisters, daughters and friends…..violated.

We at ILF refuse to stand by in stillness and silence. Will you RISE, STRIKE AND DANCE with us and ONE BILLION others on February 14th, 2013?

Visit the following link to JOIN A RISING in your area, START A RISING or SHARE your plans to rise.

http://www.onebillionrising.org/page/event/search_simple

What is your conviction?

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What is your conviction?

I was recently at a gathering of open-minded folk that was organized by Chris Guilabeau called the World Domination Summit. If you have not heard about this gathering of people who want to change the world for the better…you are missing out. At some point during the weekend I heard someone from the stage say, “What’s your conviction?”

What an intriguing question!
What is CONVICTION?
To be convicted of something is to have EVIDENCE that the something is TRUE.
In the case of a convict, they have been convicted of something that is against the law of the land. Sometimes the law of the land does not make sense, like having separate entrances for coloreds and whites. We saw how ridiculous this looked in the movie The Help, when one of the white women instituted residential “colored only” bathrooms. This piece, however, is not about those kinds of convictions.

I am referring to convictions of belief, convictions of spirit and moral convictions.

At this stage of my life, what is my conviction?
Well, I have many. I have strong convictions that children should NOT be beaten!
I have strong convictions that any form of domestic violence is unacceptable.
I think that men and women deserve equal pay for the same work.
Like I said…I have many convictions.

Why are convictions necessary?
Why should you have strong convictions about the issues that are dear to you?

Have you ever seen the TV show with John Quinones called What Would You Do? That is a show about convictions. Some people speak right up when they see an injustice, like someone stealing from the blind or a child being mistreated. Others just observe. The observers are not bad people, not at all. Their conviction about staying out of other people’s business is just stronger than their conviction to get involved.

What do you feel strongly about?
What would you go out of your way to fix?
Who would you stand up to?
What causes get you heated enough to say something out loud?

These are not unnecessary questions.
These questions determine HOW we show up in the world.
It is not enough to do lip service to something that you hold dear…you must back your words with strong convictions to take necessary actions.
Martin Luther King, Jr. took action.
Mahatma Gandhi took action.
Every time someone stands up to a bully, they take action.
Every time an abused woman leaves her abuser, she takes action.

We do not have to have celebrity status to take a stand or to follow through with our convictions. We just have to believe!

What do you believe?
How will you show the world what your convictions are?
One of my strongest convictions is that women should NOT be abused. That is why I do this work.

What work will you do to take a stand for your beliefs?

Love and light,
Indrani

The ROUND TRIP that took 500 years!

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The ROUND TRIP that took 500 years!

In fourteen hundred and ninety two,
Columbus sailed the ocean blue…
And all hell broke loose

Hell? Yep! HELL!

Indigenous peoples were summarily killed off by exotic diseases, bayonets or gunfire…at least from their points of view!

There are many off shoots of the original Columbus story…may I present my own?

Hundreds of years ago my innocent ancestors were shoved aboard British Cargo ships and taken to the West Indies, which Columbus had earlier discovered.
My ancestors were packed like sardines into the hulls of the cargo ships along with other precious human cargo from the African continent.
The Indians and the Africans were transported to the faraway islands to be slaves and indentured laborers.
They did not have to have any actual currency…they only paid with their lives!
If they survived the torturous journey they got to disembark IN chains!
They were then immediately put to work in the sugar cane fields and that is how hundreds of years later a baby girl called Indrani Nathu came to be born in Trinidad and Tobago!
My great, great, great, great grandfather was unceremoniously transported to the newly discovered West Indies…a ONEWAY passage into a life of Hell.
He left all that he had ever known and would never be able to see his parents or siblings again… just think of this for one minute.
Imagine someone coming into your city and taking one of your sons and you never see him again. He is alive…just unavailable to you!
All alone on the other side of the world and probably not speaking a word of English, he made a life for himself. He found someone to marry and his offspring belonged to his Master.
In 1953, I was born into an East Indian family, now completely living a West Indian life.
I never thought about my ancestors, I lived my life and accepted all that had happened without giving thought to their hardships.
BUT now, I am going BACK to a city that I have never been to…except through my ancestral blood line.
I am completing the ROUND TRIP for my ancestors who were so sadly stripped from all that they knew.
I am heading to Chennai, India to teach my workshops on Domestic Violence.
I feel so honored to be completing this journey for my family. I only wish I knew where to find my people so I could tell them that their beloved sons survived and married and eventually thrived.
In the absence of knowing exactly which families I came from, I will honor all the people I meet and treat them all as family knowing that some elements of my DNA probably lives within them.

This journey has come full circle…and it does feel like coming home.
Love and light,
Indrani

The story of Tatty…

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I first heard about Tatty from a dear friend. Tatty was in an abusive marriage for 11 years.

She was not allowed to work and her husband was an alcoholic. She faced his wrath nightly.
My friend, Jackie, told me that from time to time Tatty would call her in the middle of the night and beg for help. Jackie could hear him screaming and the children crying in the background. Jackie would sometimes go over to try to ease the situation, until I advised her that she should not go and should instead call the police. I advised Jackie that she had to take care of herself and her own family.

Jackie has four lovely children and they need her to be alive.

Over the years, I would ask about Tatty and offer Jackie some more tips on how to help her. I made it clear that it was Tatty who needed to stand up and seek help. Tatty made several attempts to flee, but the husband would apologize and she would go back. About four months ago, Jackie told me that Tatty called again at 3am.

Jackie told her to call the police.
This time, Tatty did call the police.
I advised Jackie to tell Tatty to leave the city and find shelter far away from her abuser.

Fast Forward to today, Jackie tells me:
1. Tatty has the first job of her life.
2. Tatty now feels useful not useless as she had been told.
3. Tatty’s abuser calls every day, screaming at her to come back and says it’s the last time he will call.
4. Tatty is strong enough to say ok, I am NOT coming back.
5. Tatty says that she has never been happier and that all the kids are in school and are happy too!

What an amazing woman Tatty is! What courage! What strength! She is WOMAN; hear her roar in defense of her kids and herself.

If you are being abused, you can take some advice from Tatty.
What did she do?

She reached out for help, left the city and went hours away from her abuser.
She made sure that she had a police record of the abuse.
She made sure that her kids were settled in their new school.
She got a job that she likes.

Tatty is a restaurant worker and is happy at her place of employment.
She goes to work knowing that she is free and peaceful and that her kids are safe.

Tatty finally raised her voice and roared NO MORE ABUSE!

You can take some small steps to help yourself but be sure your abuser is NOT aware of what you are doing. Call your local shelter for tips on how to get away safely.
Millions of women are abused yearly, and thousands escape to safety.

Know that there is a large support network out there for you, whatever your choice may be.

Take care of yourself and reach out for help.

Love and light
Indrani

Choices, roles and other mysteries…

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These days the word “choice” has a bad rap. It can only mean that we are on one side of a heated debate about women’s health. This blog is NOT about that choice, so please don’t feel like you must run for cover, find a picket sign, or shout “You go girl”!

This piece is about the choices we make every day that mold the life we eventually live. This is about all those little unconscious choices, like the 6th piece of cheesecake or the 4th affair or the decision to drive from Houston to Florida in order to shoot the girlfriend of your lover. Remember the female astronaut who was married and having an affair but was pissed off that her single lover had another girlfriend? I have to believe that her brain was offline…that is the only possible way that a woman who was brilliant enough to be one of the few to have gone into space could be cloudy enough to do what she did.

So, it is settled, smart people make stupid decisions!

I know that YOU are smart, so how can we make you immune to stupid mistakes?
I use the word ‘immune’ quite loosely, because I do not believe we can be completely immune to stupid mistakes.
We can, however, remember what is truly valuable to us so that we have a better chance of surviving the attack of “what was I thinking?”

My definition of personal values is a daily dose of remembering who we are at the core of our being and promising ourselves to stay true to that vision of who we are.
What kind of person do you wish to be known as?
Do you want to be the type of person who sneaks around having affairs and lying to your family?
Do you want to be the type of person who beats your spouse behind closed doors?

Staying present to your core values and your knowledge of what is right or wrong is one of the better ways to not stray from being a good and decent person.
It means that you hold true to your core beliefs in every decision you make.
You do not scream at others while saying you hate it when people scream at you.
It means that you weigh your responses before you fly off the handle and then ask for forgiveness.
It means that you respect others as you would expect to be respected.

The mystery of why we humans act more like animals than the rational beings we are is quite beyond me.
Why do we abuse woman and children?
Why do clergy sexually abuse little children?
Why are there so many instances of domestic violence and why do we make excuses for such behaviors?

Our choices and the roles we choose for our lives should not be made in a vacuum. It should not be a mystery as to why we continue to make the same insane mistakes. It should not cause us to scratch our heads in disbelief and not know why we do what we do.

Let’s make choices for ourselves that will allow us to enjoy the mystery of life that surrounds us. The mysteries of nature, the mysteries of love and the mysteries of the love we feel when we see children smile. Let’s make informed choices so that we can be surrounded by sweet mysteries…not by insane mysteries of uninformed decisions that are made when brains are offline.

Love & light,

Indrani

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE…why you should care.

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Why should you care? Why should anyone care about Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence is insipid. If you have never heard this term, the definition of domestic violence is the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another; also : a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior .

Domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes. Only approximately one-quarter of all physical assaults, one-fifth of all rapes, and one-half of all stalkings perpetuated against females by intimate partners are reported to the police.…from www.ncadv.org/files/
DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

Why would such crimes be under-reported?

Have you ever been a victim of hateful and nasty behavior?

This could be happening in high school. Perhaps a boyfriend tells you to be a certain way and if you do not, he berates you and calls you names that made you feel worthless.

He tells you that no other man could love you. He calls you a slut or other unsavory names. He makes fun of you in front of his friends.

Did you tell anyone?

Did you report him to the school authorities?

Did you call the Teen Abuse hot line 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)?

You probably did nothing.

You may not even have recognized that you were being abused. You may even have convinced yourself that it was your fault.

You may have seen your own Mother abused at home and so you feel that “true love” must look like that.

Your own Mother may be making excuses for the man in her life, and you see that her abuse is much more horrific.

So you say nothing.

After all, you do not have it “that” bad.

Abuse is insipid and it is confusing. How can a person with whom you are having intimate relations treat you so horribly? How can the person you swear you love be so mean and hateful to you?

You try so hard to please him and nothing ever works.

You feel like you are always walking on egg shells.

His rage erupts for the smallest infraction, and you are afraid to take any action unless the action is sanctioned by the abuser.

These are but a few of the reasons why Domestic Violence is under-reported.

Women are confused and brain washed into thinking that all of it is their fault.

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.1 An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.2 85% of domestic violence victims are women. Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew. Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.… from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

These facts were taken from a PDF found when I googled Domestic Violence.

I am not making this up. Below are actual numbers taken from the same article that I found on Google.

The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.

Victims of intimate partner violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them by current or former husbands, boyfriends and dates. This loss is the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of violence.

There are 16,800 homicides and $2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.…from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

If you are not being abused, there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE that you know someone who is being abused.

 

Please keep your eyes and ears open. Please encourage those suffering to seek counsel and support. There are MANY support centers around the country and world. If you are the one suffering, please reach out here and I will direct you to some help in your area.

You can send an e mail to

info@indranislight.org with the subject line… A HEADS UP.

You can use a computer at the library or at a friend’s home.

This is NOT your fault. You have done NOTHING wrong.

You deserve to be loved and respected.

Please reach out either for your own self or for someone else.

My personal mantra is ONE ABUSED WOMAN IS ONE TOO MANY! Please help me in this endeavor to eradicate DV from the face of the earth. WE can do it if we band together.

Love and Light

Indrani