Tag Archives: Dr. Brene Brown

Are You Trying to Intentionally Hurt Me?… Because When You Speak those Words, You Touch Shame

featured, life, women,

Two Saturdays ago, I was immersed in Dr. Brene Brown’s work on Shame on Shame and Resilience.  From that point forward, I knew I would be fundamentally changed but I had no earthly idea just how much. This whole week I have been observing my own shame reactions. I had actually thought that I had worked through most of my shame issues. As IF!

Have you ever felt shamed by someone’s else’s words? Do you know what shame feels like in your body? It is really beneficial to each of us to observe our physical reactions to shame. Personally, my throat closes up, my brain freezes, my upper body gets hot, and I feel life RUNNING!

Shame hates to be named, much like Lord Voldermort in Harry Potter. Shame makes us feel so small that we just want to disappear, fight back or flee.  The area of the brain where shame is felt does not have access to language. Our access to language resides in the pre-frontal cortex.

When you are faced with shame and feel confused you are not losing your mind, only your words. The only way to find words to describe what you are feeling is to be able to step out of shame and have the ability to access the descriptive words.

There is no way I can do justice to Dr Brene Brown’s work in this short blog piece. Nor will I even try.  Her work is based on more than 11,000 interviews and decades of analysis.

Suffice to know the next time you cannot find your words, just remember that you have not lost your mind, only your words.

If someone says,
“Are you out of your mind?”
Simply say,
“No, just out of words!”

Want to know more? Read I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame, by Dr. Brown, and come to my Chat & Chai on November 14th, 11am Central, when Dr. Brown will be my guest. You may even have a chance to ask some questions.

Have a wonderful week ahead!
Love and light,
Indrani

Shame thy name is FEAR and PAIN

featured, homepage, ,

I have had the great fortune of being immersed in the teachings of Dr. Brene Brown (see her on TED.com here)

The work that we are doing is focused on shame and guilt.

Dr. Brown’s work on SHAME can be found in her book I Thought It Was Just Me. I recommend it, HIGHLY. Until you get the chance to read it, here is what I have learned in just one day.

Shame says I AM BAD.

Guilt says I DID A BAD THING.

Her definition of shame is: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Dr. Brown says that “we all have shame; we just don’t talk about it”. According to Dr. Brown, people who can be resilient to shame are those who “can get to language fastest”.

What does this mean? Let me try to explain. Shame is felt in the part of the brain that has no language. Language comes from the logical side of the brain. When a person tries to describe shame they have to create a bridge from the emotions they feel and the language to describe what they are feeling. Her suggestion is to NAME it.

Feel it Name it.

So it goes something like this: I organized a Flash Mob in my town and many people signed up. A blogger decided that I “could be a cult” and he pasted that in his blog. When I found out about it, I felt shamed. I felt shamed because I thought I was stupid for organizing it. I had thoughts like “who do you think you are to do this?”, “you are too old to be doing stuff like this”.

Lucky for me, I was able to talk it through with someone dear to me and I was able to let it go.

Notice I said someone DEAR. It MUST be someone who has EARNED the right to receive your deepest hurts. It cannot be a person who is self-absorbed, or someone who always tells you their troubles are bigger than yours. 

You must be able to say something like: “I am hurting and this is how I am feeling”. Your trusted person must be able to hold space for your pain, without trying to solve it or minimize it. When you are in shame, Dr. Brown says that “you are not fit for human consumption”. She also says “do not go to your children until you have processed it”.

How do you process it? Feel it Name it.

This topic is heavy and it may make you uncomfortable. 

If our society does not learn to deal with shame, we will continue to do what we have done, and get what we’ve always got.  I did not come up with that catchy phrase myself and I do not remember who said it, but that does not make it any less relevant.

Are you ready to do some work around Shame? Read Dr. Brown’s book…I Thought It Was Just Me.. and begin to become Shame Resilient.

 

Love and light from Indrani