PSI Ambassador Mandy Moore and philanthropist Indrani Goradia joined the PSI-Caribbean team at the launch of its gender-based violence initiave – Make It Stop. Continue reading here.
Tag Archives: end gender violence
Make It Stop Launch
Does this make you angry?
The day started off like most days, I brew a pot of coffee
for my wife and I and she turns on the tv and gets ready for
work.
We were both in a great mood.
In an instant I was pissed off, angry and appalled.
Why?
Let me start by saying that I love a good joke, BUT this is NOT funny.
Not in the slightest.
It is disrespectful and the people that did this are gutless, cowards.
They are not men.
And when given the opportunity to acknowledge and apologize, they choose to dig their heals in even deeper.
I did not choose to wake up to this, but I choose to stand up and say this has to stop NOW.
So what can we men do?
When we hear or see something that makes us sick, we need to say and do something.
They need to know that is not cool or funny, and hear it from us men as well.
This is not a feminist “thing”…..it’s a respect thing.
We all need to Man up.
Shawn Shepheard
Author of “Life Is Sweet – Surviving Diabetes and a Whole Lot of Other Crazy Stuff!”
Self Responsibility…….
Self Responsibility… The “Philosophical Principle (that) entails ones acceptance of a profoundly moral idea. In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs.”
The above quote is from the book Six Pillars of Self – Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
Can you take some time to read the above sentence out loud, maybe more than once.
When I first came across this sentence in the book, I was stopped in my tracks.
If the above is true, and it is, then all of us who have been abused in one form or another would KNOW without the shadow of a doubt that we were wronged.
We would not have to ask others for their opinion of whether we were enough wronged as to take swift action and demand justice.
The married woman who is forced to be a servant to her husband and in-laws would know that she is not there for their implicit or explicit exploitation. She would know that she had the right to say an empowered NO.
If she could accept that she will not be made into an unpaid servant, how might she approach marriage differently? Might she ask the intended in-laws how they expect to treat her? Might she tell her future husband that she will not be forced into a life of servitude and sexual slavery?
I really have no answers to these broad issues but I do know that we must empower women BEFORE marriage to ask harder questions than “do you have a job and where will we live?”
The college woman who is gang raped would know that she needs to report the crime as often as she needs to until something is done. She would have to find the courage to stand against the friend circle who will most likely accuse her of being disloyal and being short sighted about her reputation.
Where did I get these examples of what the friend circle might say? It comes directly from the report of the gang rape at a frat house on the UVA campus.
The 18 year old woman was made to question her loyalties. She was made to stay silent about the horror that was done to her body and her mind by silently suffering.
If we could get women, especially High School and college women, to respect themselves as much as they respect what their friends say, we might be able to bring more rapists to face the music.
Please do not think that I am putting the burden of this whole thing on the shoulders of the survivor of the rape, I am not. I am, however, sure that taking responsibility for extracting justice for a crime that was done is one of the most powerful ways to begin the long and arduous process of healing.
We cannot expect society to change without each individual taking a stand for what is no longer acceptable.
This is how we got rid of slavery.
This is how women got the vote.
This is how dictators fall.
It is only speaking up, as often as we can, and as loudly as we can, that will bring change. It will still be slow, but we can never. ever give up.
Ever.
Love and light,
Indrani
Men need to become better leaders…and as a man this is terrifying
I am sitting with a bunch of guys in a dressing room at the local hockey arena. Everyone is taking a break from a game of men’s floor hockey, drinking a few beers, and telling tall tales.
Then it begins…comments about the wives and women in our lives:
“I came home the other day and the house wasn’t even clean. What the hell is she doing all day while I am at work? Sitting around growing her ass or what”
“I told her I was coming here and it was blah blah blah, you never spend time with me. Of course I don’t, all you do is nag”
“Did you see that girl in the bar Thursday night….she had huge guns, they were amazing”
“I totally took her home, banged her, and showed her the door…”
And so it goes. Degenerating into inappropriate jokes and comments that no one in that room would say in public or outside of a room of a bunch of men drinking beer and kidding around.
Now, with my new realizations around Gender Based Violence, and the treatment of women, I need to stand up and say:
“Ummm….hey guys…this isn’t cool, you know. Aaaahhh…talking about your wives this way isn’t helping how your son sees women. That, ah.. that girl in the bar is someone’s daughter. Do you want someone talking about your daughter that way?”
Silence.
Dumbfounded silence mixed with shock, and looks of “who the hell invited this guy?”
Jackson Katz, in the Ted Talk below, clearly explains why focusing on women when talking about gender based violence is wrong, and why this focus needs to shift to men, and what men are doing (and not doing about it). He also clearly explains that men need to become leaders around this topic, and that the true battle will be won, not in public, when we are openly defending women, but within the small groups of men where so much of this harmful talk continues in a “safe zone”.
I hear what Jackson is saying, and it terrifies me. I want to be this leader. I want to make sure my son’s view of women is healthy. I want to protect all the daughters out there. I want to help eliminate violence against women.
Writing for Indrani’s Light Foundation – check.
Helping train others to help women in shelters – check.
Speaking out about gender based violence in social media – check.
Share the message with local schools and other people – check.
Stand up, in the moment, in a group of guys, and call them on their bullshit statements.
Gulp.
That one I NEED to work on, and it isn’t going to be easy.
But I am going to try.
If you are a man, or have men in your life who could use help developing this leadership, and taking this plunge, share Jackson Katz’s video and let’s get started.
Link: http://www.ted.com/talks/jackson_katz_violence_against_women_it_s_a_men_s_issue?language=en#t-284753
What would you do if you witnessed this incident?
A young lady in her mid-twenties is being beaten black and blue by a strong, well-built man as 50+ people stand by and watch.
What would you do?
How would you react?
Visit the following link to read the entire story and let us know what you would do in the comments below if you found yourself in this awful situation.
https://www.facebook.com/indrani.goradia.5/posts/792430934181717?notif_t=mention
Love & light,
Team ILF
A compliment well placed is a gift to the receiver….
A few weeks ago I was sitting in a restaurant with a dear friend, her niece and another young lady.
The two young people were elegant and beautiful and had gorgeous bodies and were professional dancers with Brittany Spears’ Las Vegas Extravaganza.
I was loving being in the company of my friend and these two shiny young people. I was being my 60 years old self. I was mothering the whole group.
In the middle of dinner, a woman from another table came over to say something.
I thought she was coming to ask where something was or to tell the two young ones that they were beautiful or to tell my friend that she knew her from her TED talk.
It was none of the above.
She made her way over to tell Me that I was beautiful and that my smile was lovely!
Wait…What?
I quickly got up from my table and gave her the biggest hug ever and told her she made my life, not just my day.
Why was I surprised?
I was surprised because that had never happened before.
Actually, I am usually the one telling strangers how beautiful they they look.
I have to say, being on the receiving end of a compliment from a delightful stranger was a real boost to my ego.
Don’t we all need a boost?
Do you ever see someone looking so put together and being quiet about it?
How about you spread those compliments around?
The aftermath of me receiving the compliment was that the young ladies were saying, “what about me?”
They already knew they looked like a million dollars!
It was good for them to see that age does not mean “dead” or “unattractive.”
Maybe when they are 60, as I am now, they too will be on the receiving end of a surprise compliment.
Love & light,
Indrani
Grand Theft Auto 5 – A letter to my son….
Fionn,
Dad here, remember me? I need to talk to you about something important, so look me in the eyes and listen up (yes, this is one of the “look me in the eyes” type of talks).
Remember when we started playing video games? Remember how concerned your Mom was with the amount of time we played video games and the effect that might have on you, and how I told her that was crazy, video games weren’t bad for you?
Yeah, well, you and I know that I am almost always right, but, I might have been wrong on the whole “video games aren’t bad for you” bit, and I don’t say that lightly.
As you know I spent a great deal of my childhood playing video games: Atari 2600, Intellivision, Colecovision, Super Nintendo, Playstation, Windows Computers, Amiga, Commodore 64; I played most of them.
I also spent a great deal of my time in the 90s defending video games, content in video games, and violence in video games. Fighting against people who said that content in video games could affect how people acted in real life.
For the most part, I still think this is true….but…but…after watching this video I am not sure how I feel about my old arguments. I am not sure how anyone could make a game that allows you to do these things, and if games like this are selling millions, and gamers have a desire to do these things in a game, I have to wonder where gaming culture is headed, how gamers will behave in the future, and whether you and I should even be a part of this group.
I want you to watch this video Fionn. I want you to realize that, even though this is “just a game”, these actions are wrong. Wrong on so many different levels. They are wrong in the Real World AND they are also wrong in a Virtual World.
(Please Note: this video is Not Safe For Work and contains disturbing images)
Now, I am not going to go so far as to say: “some kid will play this video game and it will make him go out and pay for a hooker, then kill that hooker with an axe”. What I am willing to say is: “some kid will play this video game and think that women, and how he treats women, aren’t important, and someone’s daughter may end up hurt because of this game”.
Fionn, this video makes me embarrassed to be a gamer, and it should make you embarrassed to be one too.
I don’t want you to stop playing video games, but I want you to think (and tell your friends to think too) about the games you play and what happens in them. If a game disrespects women like Grand Theft Auto Five I don’t want you brushing it off, or thinking that it is OK. I want you to stop playing, tell people it isn’t acceptable, and stand up for the boys and girls that could be hurt by disgusting content like this.
Can you promise to do that Fionn?
Love,
Dad
Sledge hammers, rubber mallets, nail guns…what’s your tool of choice?
You must have heard the adage, “if the only tool you have is a hammer then everything looks like a nail.”
If you have not heard it, now you have.
I was thinking about expanding on this… what if you only have nails and you need a hammer? Then you have to determine what kind of hammer you need, right?
For instance, if you need to put a small nail in the wall to hold a small painting it would not help to use a sledge hammer because you would not have any wall left.
If you needed to put together some delicate furniture that needed some good pressure, you better use a rubber mallet and that too, very gingerly.
If we can expand this metaphor into the challenges that life gives, we must determine exactly what king of challenge is at hand and what kind of hammer we need.
If a child makes a mistake, say spills milk or pushes a sibling, then using a switch to beat the living daylights out of him, a la Adrian Peterson, is akin to using a sledge hammer. Your aim will be to inflict the most pain for the smallest injury.
Why would anyone choose to do that?
In my experience, sledge hammers and rubber mallets are NEVER needed, nor are nail guns. Instead what we usually need is to take a time out and to discover what other tools we have in our tool belt.
When you have a challenge, take a time out instead of taking out the sledgehammers.
Everyone will be happier.
Love and light,
Indrani.
Stopping sexism towards men – A solution for gender based violence?
Sexism is a term normally associated with women. It affects women in the workplace, on the street, in the media; it affects women in so many different ways, that we often forget an important piece of the sexism puzzle:
Sexism affects everyone: bisexuals, transgender, lesbians, gay men, and yes, even straight men.
Watch Laci Green as she unpacks and explores the idea of sexism against men and the effect it is having on everyone.
Watch and imagine what effect it would have on gender based violence if men no longer felt that they NEEDED to hide emotions, be powerful, and do manly things like fight, fix things, and have lots of sex to prove how masculine they are.
Could part of the solution be as easy as realizing that: there is no man or woman or gay or lesbian or transgender. There are humans.
Have you ever been sexist towards a man? If you are one of our male readers, have you ever experienced sexism?
We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Love & light,
Jeremie Miller
Whose behaviour are you misdiagnosing?
Getty Images
“What does it look like when you put [a traumatized] kid in a classroom? When people don’t understand there’s been a tiger in your life, it looks a lot like ADHD to them.” – Dr. Heather Forkey
This quote comes from the last line of a recent article published about the misdiagnosis of childhood trauma as ADHD (you can read the full article here.)
Rushed doctor’s not taking enough time with patients, teachers and parents looking for a quick solution, families hiding the reality of their home life, and a lack of support for children experiencing trauma have all contributed to the possible misdiagnosis of ADHD, when in reality the child is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to trauma.
Which raises an interesting question for all of us in our everyday lives: who have we misdiagnosed with a rushed and incorrect label in our own lives?
We call the neighbor’s teenage daughter that “gets around” promiscuous (if we are being nice) and a “slut” (if we are not being nice).
We call the boy in the Motley Crue jacket, smoking cigarettes a “thug” and walk on the other side of the road.
We call the lawyer at the party, who pushes everyone away with her know-it-all behaviour, a snob.
The child who never has lunch at school and wears old, torn clothes “just comes from a poor family”.
The bully in the playground is “big for his age, and pushy”.
The little boy, bouncing off the walls at the grocery store while his mother screams “must have ADHD”.
What if each of these people has a deeper story that we are ignoring?
Dr. Nicole Brown, Dr. Heather Forkey and their colleagues are working hard to change the landscape of ADHD diagnosis, hoping that they can teach professionals to look deeper, go beyond the quick and simple diagnosis and find what may really be going on with some of these kids.
You may not be a professional, but doesn’t taking more time and going deeper with your own “diagnosis” of people seem like a good idea?
How could your life, and their life, be different if you did?
Love & light,
Jeremie Miller