Domestic Violence Awareness Month Day 3- Shine on, baby! Shine on!
Domestic Violence Awareness Month Day 2- Go be powerful!
Domestic Violence Awareness Month Day 1
Tag Archives: gender based violence
Why we can’t leave a single girl behind…..
There are so many astonishing statistics in this article:
- Teen pregnancy is the number one cause of mortality for girls between the ages of 15 and 19, and nearly 10 percent of all adolescent girls in low and middle income countries are mothers before they are 16.
- In Colombia, a woman is killed by a current or former partner every six days.
- In Amhara, Ethiopia, 50 percent of girls are married by the time they are 15 years-old.
“As long as women experience discrimination, inequality and violence, their human rights will not be realized and they will be prevented from participating meaningfully in the life of their communities and countries.” –Tewodros Melesse
http://globalpublicsquare.blogs.cnn.com/2013/09/24/why-reproductive-health-matters-post-mdg/
The cycle begins at birth…and we must work together and empower one another so that this cycle doesn’t become a destructive one.
Love & light,
Indrani
Who pushes your buttons?
We all have people like this in our lives. They just seem to get under our skin. They know just what to say and when to say it and before you know it you are upset, crying or yelling and it feels like they have won….again.
This used to happen to me all the time. It used to feel like I walked into the trap and stayed in the trap even as I saw they were springing it on me….again!
The one BIG mistake that I used to make was this… I used to think that the people who did this to me cared about me.
When I began to realize that these people only liked to hear themselves talk, it was easier for me to untangle myself from their traps. I began to really listen to their words, the ACTUAL words, and I began to ASK them what they meant?
For instance…
When a family member says, “Well that’s just how you are.”
I now say, “What exactly do you mean?”
I noticed that the speaker would do a double take and would begin to trip over their words.
They began to say things like, “Oh, nothing really.” Or “Well I was just making a joke.”
Then I could say, “What was the joke?” Or “Was the joke at MY expense?”
I chose to react in this way until I felt that I broke the other person of their behaviors with me.
I chose to uninstall the buttons that used to be pushed all the time.
I must tell you, it takes time and patience but it was well worth my time an attention.
It was worth the time investment because it showed that I respected myself and that I expected others to respect me as well.
Just to reiterate my strategy:
I. I would ask for clarity.
2. I would ask for further clarity.
3. I would then pin point the “dig” and ask for even more clarity.
Please note that I was NOT concerned on who would like me, or who would judge me. I only focused on standing up for myself.
Love and light,
Indrani (Reminding you to stand up for yourself in the face of verbal bullies.)
Once upon a time….
Those four words have been the beginning of many fairy tales for centuries. Ok, maybe not centuries but a long, long time.
Cinderella, Snow White, Thumbelina, Belle and so many others… all princesses that we read or watch movies about. The birds fly around them and animals come out of the forest to be in their presence. There are butterflies, zebras and moon beams. And, of course, there is usually a prince.
These are considered stories of fantasy. But is it really fantasy? Can we not be the princess in our own fairy tale?
I recently stopped and noticed how these things that seem to only happen to storybook princesses actually happen in my life. I stopped to see the moon, and think that it is shining just for me. Perhaps not, but something made me stop and savor in the moon beams as if it was for my eyes only. Look around, birds flitting about, bees in the flowers, the shiny outlines of the sun behind the clouds, a rainbow all for you to see. Look at the people in your life who are dutiful coachman to you, as the mice were to Cinderella. Could we all be princesses if we take the time to notice the magic that happens every day and think, “Wow, is this just for me?” Could we all be princesses if we would say to ourselves, “I am worthy, I am loved?”
And like any good tale, there will always be poison apples, wicked witches and trolls under a bridge. These people and things bring gifts to us in the form of a lesson. Scared of lions, tigers or bears? Dig down and you will find courage. Evil step sisters full of greed and selfishness teach us about grace. The ugly beast gives us the opportunity to love unconditionally and look at the heart of another.
Try it! Take time today to look, I mean really look. Be aware of the simplest of things in your day to day life and think that the fairy god mothers, genies, and wizards put these things in your path just for you. You are a princess, beautiful and loved in your own light. I think you will be amazed at the wonderful magic that surrounds each of us every day.
Now if you will excuse me I have to go out and feed my unicorn….
Limitations, oh limitations where art thou?
Just the other day on a flight home from Trinidad I watched a movie with Vince Vaughn. It was the movie about Google and his character said, “If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.”
I immediately began to birth this blog. I have been struggling with some of the language around Gender Violence and I have been struggling with the impatience I feel when people say things like:
It will always be like this.
That’s just the way it is.
How are we going to fix what has always been broken?
In the vernacular of Trinidad, it’s “Whah yuh go do?”
It’s pronounced as one word, “Whahyuhgodo?”
It is usually followed by a shrug and a laugh that means it’s too hard to tackle or a sucking of the teeth. (Which means the speaker is quite done with the conversation.)
I have a HUGE problem with the “whahyuhgodo” attitude!
The line in the movie, “If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them” made me realize why.
When we give up the fight to make things better, we fight for the limits and we put limits on our dreams for humanity.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we can fix all the ills of humanity but when is it a good time to give up?
Should we give up when we are…
Rich enough?
Old enough?
Young enough?
Poor enough?
What’s the best time to give up the fight for a better way to treat our fellow humans?
Gender violence does not just hurt the women and girls.
Sons see their mothers being pummeled and broken.
Sons hear their sisters and mothers cowering and crying and feel helpless.
Sons are also attacked and made to feel broken.
Often children who are witnessing the violence are told NOT to help or the mother will be worse off.
Often the mother implores the children to “go back to sleep” even as she is fighting for her life.
Children are not stupid.
They know that their house is a war zone.
They know that neighbors know their house is a war zone and they see NO one trying to help them.
Can we STOP fighting for our limitations?
Can we begin to live each day a little brighter than the last?
Can we begin to HOLD dear the possibility that limitations are a coward’s way through tough times?
I do not want to live the life of a coward.
I want to live brave and strong and hopeful and for that I need to identify my limitations. I need to keep trying to find a better way into a world that is free from Gender Violence.
We owe it to every single child, boys as well as girls.
Let them grow up in houses full of love and hope.
Let them have limitations like which new planet to inhabit, not the limitation of wondering if Mom will be “sick” today and who will help with dinner and homework.
Love and light,
Indrani
We Need to Talk to the Men Too….
“Violence against women often appears to be so pervasive and complex that it seems insurmountable. But it is preventable.” Emma Fulu
Click the link below to read more on the new study on men and violence against women and how it can be prevented.
Love & light,
Indrani
Screaming at the ocean…..
Have you ever sailed?
I used to sail a little as a teenager in Trinidad. A friend had a catamaran and a whole load of us would go out on the weekend.
Life was simple then!
Some of the things I remember from sailing is that someone would be in charge of the rudder and someone would be in charge of the sail. When the two worked together, the sailing was smooth and sweet. When the two started to argue, I was always losing my balance and falling overboard. For some reason, my two mates were always the same two loggerheads; Ray G. and Noel M. were their real names. I want them to know I remember that they were not always the best sailors in the world!
Good thing we are still friends and can have a good laugh now.
Remembering those days of treading water, endlessly, in the ocean, while Ray and Noel yelled at each other that it was the other’s fault, made me think of how I handled the situation.
I never yelled at the ocean, I always yelled at Ray and Noel, who in turn always laughed at me!
Last week as I was coaching someone, I heard myself say to her, “Stop Yelling at the Ocean!”
What did I mean?
This is what I meant….
When we begin to obsess that our life situations are someone else’s fault, we are yelling at the ocean.
When we find ourselves on high emotional seas and we forget how to use our sails (past lessons and personal responsibility for our own happiness) and our rudders (strengths and positive self talk) we blame the ocean for overturning our boats and for upending our lives.
If you find yourself wishing that OTHERS had acted differently and you wished that THEY would just do ______ (fill in the blank)_____ so that you could FINALLY get on with your life…..You are Yelling at the OCEAN!
Oceans do not have ears.
Oceans do not have feelings.
Oceans are there to help you to navigate to someplace else.
Have you caught yourself yelling at your oceans recently?
STOP!
Use all that energy to chart a new course and find good sailors to help you.
Ray and Noel if you guys ever read this, I still love you and I’m glad we had so much fun together. And know that I’m still treading water!
Love and light,
Indrani
Women ROCK……
A dear friend shared this with me and I felt compelled to pass it along….
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.”
An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”
When the attendant came by he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”
“Yes,” said the attendant, “in fact, this entire crew is female.”
“My God,” he said, “I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”
“That’s another thing, Sergeant,” said the crew member, “we no longer call it ‘The Cockpit’.”
“It’s ‘The Box Office’.”
Quote of the day:
“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”
Love & light,
Indrani
Ms. Know-It-All…..
I was at a well known treatment center a few weeks ago and on the last day of my event I decided to eat breakfast on the lawn.
I usually ate in the cafe but on this particular day the weather was glorious and I wanted to savor the fresh air.
I sat at a table that was already occupied by two young women.
I immediately started to engage with them as is my way and we were having a sweet conversation.
Another woman joined us, and the party began.
Within 5 minutes, the new woman had chased away one of the original people and was expounding on how I should fix my life.
THIS woman KNEW that:
1. I was hanging around negative people.
2. I was deliberately choosing to hang around negative people.
3. I was clearly not making the right choices in friends.
Mmmmmm…. I wanted to:
1. Snap at her.
2. Throw my OJ at her.
3. Dig out my inner bitch and have at it.
Instead, I chose to turn my body away from her and engage with the other woman at the table.
Ms. Know-It-All then turned her attention to the woman I was talking to and proceeded to tell her how to fix her life.
This woman was just the most “knowledgeable” person I had met in quite a while.
She then told me to contact her and that she could help with my foundation.
I almost choked.
I smiled at her, and said “Have a good day” and went to class.
I congratulated myself for not losing my cool and for having the courage to be graceful about leaving the table.
Have you ever met people like this?
Some of these people are in our families and it’s not so easy to leave them behind.
There are, however, lots of people we continually choose to be around who are always “in our business.”
They know everything about everything. They are experts at philosophy, history, psychology, social skills etc. You name it, they have the answer!
I don’t know about you, but I am not in the market for any more Know-It-Alls in my life. I have had my fill of them. They were irritating then, and they are irritating now!
The difference in me is now I have the courage to leave and not CARE what they think of me.
I do not care if that woman thinks that she is JUST the thing I need to make my foundation reach one million people.
I will take my time, surround myself with people I admire and respect and LIKE, and I will reach the right amount of people in exactly the right time.
There is a KNOW-IT-ALL lurking around every corner, waiting for us to show the slightest interest in the wealth of knowledge and then…
They latch ON!
It is harder to extricate yourself from their clutches than it is to just leave them alone the first time you meet them.
I hope you meet some of these people soon and you can begin to practice the strength of believing in yourself.
These individuals give us the opportunity to stand firmly in our knowledge and allow them to expound to someone else.
If you meet one of these individuals at a party I recommend faking a bad stomach and getting the hell outta there.
I don’t know about you, but I believe that life is too short to waste precious time on people who just LOVE to hear the sound of their own voice.
Love & light,
Indrani