Tag Archives: gender violence

Why Did I Speak at TEDxPortOfSpain?

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I have devoted a large part of my life speaking up against abuse towards women and children. I am so grateful to have been invited by TEDxPortOfSpain to speak about this unspeakable topic. Children are beaten with impunity in Trinidad, as in other places.

You can watch my TEDx Talk here.

And adults even boast about the beatings they HAD to give.

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I spoke to a group of local high school students from 11th and 12th grades, and one of the girls said that her little 10-year-old brother “asks” for abuse when he annoys or frustrates her. This allowed me to address the statement, “You asked for this” when (insert behavior of person being beaten) takes place and the abuser then gives themselves absolute permission to abuse with impunity.

These very adults will even go to work the next day and openly tell about the beatings they “had to give” because the offending person was “asking” for it because of the offensive behavior that was displayed.

Children are expected to know all manner of mature behaviors …. to never make mistakes or have accidents like spilling milk, or breaking household items.  But adults do not expect themselves to exercise mature restraint when dealing with children.  Children, therefore, by their very nature of being a child and being childish, will be accused of having “asked” for a beating.

We must have public dialogue and discourse if we are to change attitudes about child abuse.

One mother came up to me after the TEDxPortOfSpain talk with tears in her eyes and said she beats her 12-year-old and wants to stop.

She asked me how to stop.

I told her very clearly that the only way to stop is to STOP.  We cannot “phase out” abuse. It is not like trying to stop drinking too much coffee by drinking one less cup per week until the body gets used to less caffeine.

A child who is being beaten needs to feel a complete ABSENCE of the beatings for them to understand that abuse has ended. Furthermore, the abuse has to stay GONE and must be replaced with positive behaviors from the offensive caregiver. Children must be taught that they are worthy of love just as they were taught that they were unworthy and therefore abused.

The adult who is doing the abuse may be able to say they are ” hitting less,” but the child cannot comprehend “less.” Only “NO More Hitting” makes sense. I could see the pain on the face of the mother who came up to me. She carried on the generational abuse because she thought it appropriate.

If we can all speak up in favor of measured responses and alternate ways to address the behaviors of both children and parents, we may have a bigger chance of ending this disease of abuse.

We must mainstream this conversation.

We need to educate girls who are being abused to not accepting abuse as girlfriends and wives.

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We need to show how abuse in childhood links those abusive behaviors to the populations in jails and to the prevalence of abuse in their childhood homes.
One other young mother I met said she only does a small slap to the leg of the 3-year-old and only once.

She said she can see the child’s face, and see how shocked and scared she becomes. The mother even sees “the slap comes out of the blue” as far as the child is concerned because she can see the surprise and the subsequent hurt in the child’s face.

I know, from personal and persistent experience that abused children learn very quickly that the offending caregivers are NOT safe people and while we say we still love them, we know in our hearts we do not trust them.

The adult in me wonders if we can truly love those we do not trust. Perhaps we simply “mouth” the words, “Love You” because the words are culturally acceptable and it is not so acceptable to say, “I am unsafe with you and I do not know what I feel about you.”

I know as an adult if I have a history of people treating me inappropriately I keep them at arms length and always have an exit plan. My trust in them as a safe place disappears and can never return.

Children are not sophisticated enough to have this skill and they are also powerless to do anything about their environment.

We really have to keep the dialogue alive and we all have to be a part of ending violence in our own homes.
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Let us step up.  Share this story AND my TEDx Talk with your family and community.  We are all in this together.  Together we are mighty!

You can watch my TEDx Talk here.

 

Love and light,
 

Indrani

Indrani Goradia Speaks at TEDxPortOfSpain

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This week, Team ILF is thrilled to announce the public release of Indrani’s TEDx Talk from the Port Of Spain.

This was a “once in a lifetime opportunity” for Indrani to speak to the world about making spanking and corporal punishment a thing of the past, and challenges people to bring peace into their homes.

Indrani brought several ordinary household items onto the stage, such as a shovel, a hammer, a wooden spoon, and a belt.  They were portrayed as instruments of torture and weapons.  The quote from a parent such as, “I’m beating you for your own good,” is a LIE.

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Let’s stop the cycle of abuse in our communities, and we need YOUR help to make this change.  Indrani’s Light Foundation and other organizations that have a mission to end domestic violence cannot do this work alone.  It takes ALL of us to share the message and educate our generations how to discipline our children without using violence.

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Now that you have watched Indrani’s TEDx Talk (if you haven’t watched yet, scroll up and watch it now) share it with your own friends, family, and community. Post this on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter….. share with everyone!  We would love your comments and feedback below ….. what are your thoughts about this message?
 

Much love & light,
 

Team ILF

The 3 Silent Killers of Domestic Violence

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This is part five of the TEDx Talk blog series, as we countdown to the public release of Indrani’s TEDxPortofSpain Talk.

“When we speak up against violence to women and children we are faced with the undertow of the status quo. A status quo that CLAIMS the RIGHT to beat our women and children.

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We hear comments like:

This is MY woman and I can do whatever I want
This is MY child and I can do whatever I want
This is MY house and I control everybody here.

A recent survey of 800 households was done here in Trinidad and the majority of children interviewed held the belief that their parents had the RIGHT to beat them and that they expected to be beaten.

When one of us DARES to speak up about child abuse, we are faced with swimming against the tides of IGNORANCE AND THE STATUS QUO of raising children.

When we continue to speak up and against child abuse we are faced with ferocious undertows called

Culture
Tradition
Normal

These THREE silent killers are at work every minute of every day across the globe.”

CALL TO ACTION

We need your support! We invite you to click on the social media buttons that appear when you hover over the image above and share this post with your friends, family, and community.  Then ask them to share this blog.  Remember, there is someone out there that you may know who needs to see this TEDx Talk because they are suffering.  Thank you for considering this call to action.

 

With deepest gratitude,

 

 

Team ILF

 

Three Ways You Can Activate Your Philanthropy Now

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UntitledPhilanthropy is a pretty “big” word, and many people associate the word philanthropy with being rich. Philanthropists are those rich men and women who give money to the people who actually take the actions to make the projects work. If you don’t have money, you can’t be a philanthropist.

CNBC recently posted an article that backs up this belief (you can read it here: http://www.cnbc.com/2015/10/08/charting-philanthropys-new-age-of-exploration.html).  The article talks about three methods philanthropists are utilizing: venture philanthropy, impact measurement and evaluation, and socially responsible investing. What do these mean?

  1. Venture Philanthropy uses venture capital funding tools to promote the start-up and growth of non-profits and social ventures. It provides non-profits with the much-needed funds for operations and to generate growth until the non-profit can become financially sustainable.
  1. Impact Measurement and Evaluation Philanthropy focuses on measuring the real results of charitable efforts, results that are difficult to measure without the proper funding. It allows non-profits to identify and measure real results instead of focusing only on the easiest measurements they can gather due to limited funding.
  1. Socially Responsible Investing Philanthropy involves philanthropists making investments with the intention of generating social and/or environmental returns for society while also making financial returns for the investor.

All three of these philanthropic methods are much needed and appreciated, but they all sound unattainable for most people, and bring the focus of philanthropy back to the requirement of having money.

But, philanthropy isn’t just for the rich, and it doesn’t have a “lots of money” requirement. In fact, if you look at the definition of philanthropy it never even mentions money. Philanthropy is:

The ‘love of humanity’ in the sense of caring, nourishing, developing and enhancing ‘what it is to be human’ on both the benefactors’ (by identifying and exercising their values in giving and volunteering) and beneficiaries (by benefiting) parts.

Nowhere in this definition (from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philanthropy) does the definition mention needing money.

You may not be able to provide venture philanthropy, impact measurement and evaluation help, or socially responsible investing as the philanthropists do in the CNBC article, but you can provide your own philanthropic support that works with each of these larger types of philanthropy:

  • Donation Philanthropy uses whatever funds you can afford to offer to the start-up, growth, and maintenance of non-profits and social ventures. What ever amount of money you can afford to share helps support the Venture Philanthropist’s funding one dollar at a time.
  • Volunteer Philanthropy focuses on helping create real results with your charitable efforts, results that occur because of the direct actions you take to help the cause. It allows non-profits to actually create the results that are then measured my the Impact Measurement and Evaluation Philanthropist.
  • Social Philanthropy uses your personal methods of communication (telephone, email, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, community groups, etc) to spread the vision of the non-profit and share the message that the non-profit needs support. Your investment of time works side-by-side with the Socially Responsible Investing Philanthropist generating social and environmental returns for society through your communications.

Both big money and small (or no) money philanthropic efforts are needed for a non-profit to succeed in their mission and bring their vision to life. The best part is:

You get to choose what YOUR philanthropy looks like.

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Indrani’s Light Foundation would love your support as a philanthropist. You can activate your personal choice of philanthropy by:

  1. If you would like to be a Donation Philanthropist you can do so on this page: http://indranislight.org/support-us/donate-now/
  1. If you would like to be a Volunteer Philanthropist sign up and take the free Live a Brighter Life Program http://indranislight.org/engage/intro-course/
  1. If you would like to be a Social Philanthropist visit the ILF Facebook page and “Like” our page, share our blog posts, and help us spread the word. https://www.facebook.com/indranislight/

We thank you for whatever form of philanthropy you choose to add into your life, whether it is with Indrani’s Light Foundation or a non-profit of your choice. We all need your support.

 

The Clock is Ticking …. TIC TOC

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The countdown to the public release of her TEDx Talk continues!  Here is part four of an excerpt of Indrani’s TEDxPortofSpain Talk!

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“By the way, the clock is ticking to count how many women and children will be abused by the end of my talk.

…. Every time a hand is raised to strike someone a question must be asked WHY? Why do we insist on passing on the disease of pain and violence to the most vulnerable?

My task today, in these precious few minutes, is to empower you to go home to your communities and families and STOP the violence to women and children.

Now before we continue, please hold up your hand if you know someone who has been beaten or violated?

Please look around, to see the prevalence of abuse in our communities.”

CALL TO ACTION

We need your support! We invite you to click on the social media buttons that appear when you hover over the image above and share this post with your friends, family, and community.  Then ask them to share this blog.  Remember, there is someone out there that you may know who needs to see this TEDx Talk because they are suffering.  Thank you for considering this call to action.

With deepest gratitude,

Team ILF

Female Avatars – Helping teach about gender equality? – A follow up post

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(You can read the first part of this post here: http://indranislight.org/female-avatars-helping-teach-about-gender-equality/)

Almost a year has passed since I wrote the original “Female Avatar” post, and I have been waiting, and waiting, to write a victorious follow up. A post where I could tell you that using a female character in that video game, and the conversations that followed, made a difference in how my son views gender.

The problem being, there were no earth shattering changes for me to report from that original conversation.

Sure, there were little signs of change. My son would get excited and cheer on the female contestants in America Ninja Warrior competitions, but he would also comment that “the girls never make it as far as the boys” (which is true, but still made me wonder if his view was changing).

We read, Wings of Fire, a series of books with some female main characters. However, these characters were also dragons, and my son LOVES everything dragon. So, I wasn’t sure if he was accepting the female characters completely, or if he was accepting them because of their dragon status.

My son has also become more accepting of the colour purple, which may seem unimportant, but for years purple has fallen into the category of “princess colour” and “boys don’t like princesses”. Unfortunately, pink, is still a colour that forms a grimace on his now 8-year-old face, and a disgusted comment of “pink is for girls.”

Now, to give the poor little guy a break, he is only 8 years old, so I am not expecting him to approach me and ask to have an in-depth discussion about gender norms and how he can work towards behaving in a manner that supports equality (to be honest, if that DID happen I would be a bit wigged out). But, I have been hoping that something “8-year-old big” would happen, showing that he was starting to see that boys and girls are equals.

That 8-year-old-big event happened last week.

We were in Kids Books, an amazing bookstore in Vancouver BC, shopping with Fionn’s cousins for some books for his birthday the following day. I was looking through some 7 to 10-year-old book series when I felt a poke. Looking down I saw Fionn, three books precariously clutched in his arms, looking up at me.

“Daddy, how about these books, they sound awesome”

“You’ve read the backs?” I asked, taking the books from his hands.

“Yes, they sound really cool.”

“For you to read, or for me to read to you?”

“I think I can read them, but I want you to read them to me.”

I looked down at the first book and the 8-year-old-big moment happened when I saw the cover:

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Let’s break this down from the view of a Dad, trying to teach his son about gender equality, and see that boys are not better than girls:

  • The picture on the front of the book is clearly a girl, and he still chose to pick up the book and read more.
  • The subtitle of the book has the word “witch” (a “girl” word) in it.

Most importantly, and amazing for me:

  • The subtitle has the word “princess” in it. A word that my son, and all of his friends usually have an allergic reaction to, with much frowning and spitting, followed by “princesses are dumb.”

All right, as earth shattering as this book selection already was for me, it might not be convincing for you. Totally understandable.

I smiled down at Fionn as I turned the book over to read the back, which read:
“Silk tells stories. It sings of secrets long forgotten. It sings of fire. Maia dreams of being a Story Teller, or a Weaver, like her father, Tareth. But when the Watcher names her Sun Catcher, she must face a destiny that Tareth has kept hidden from her. For Maia is more powerful than she knows, and she is about to discover that though the sun’s fire may be dangerous…so is she.”

The back of the book makes it clear that the protagonist is female, and, from the sounds of it, a female that will be kicking some serious butt. Looking at the backs of the other two books, each book is clearly about girls leading the way and being the focus of the story. Not just a side character in the book, but a female protagonist.

For me, after just a year ago when my son refused to even think about reading Tamora Pierce’s “Song of the Lioness Quartet” because the main character was a girl, this is a big sign that our conversation around gender equality has shifted.

Whether it was switching my video game avatar to a female character, or the follow up conversations we have had, or the changes I have made in my own behaviors that has brought about this shift I cannot say.

To be honest I don’t care what has made the difference, but I cannot explain how much pride I felt in this simple moment in the bookstore when my son chose Sheila Rance’s trilogy of books to be our next “Dad and Son” reading project.

I looked up from the backs of the books and smiled, “you bet buddy. Let’s get them all, they sound awesome.”

Fionn smiled, turned, and ran off down one of the aisles to look for more books.

 

 

Welcome to the real world…

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kid-165256_640said John Mayer in his song.

And at one of my speaking gigs, a man who wanted me to accept that we should beat our children said “join the real world.”

What is the real world?

It’s the world where you feel comfortable EVEN if it is full of violence.

I should know.

I was abused by one of my parents and when I was 21 or 22 I accused the non-abusive  parent of NOT caring enough to ABUSE me.

Yes, abuse made me comfortable. It was familiar territory.

The man at the lunch was comfortable within the familiarity of his way of parenting.

He could not imagine parenting without beating his children. He was very vocal about HIS real world.

I have no desire to live in his real world.

Just like I do not want to live in the real world of ISIS, or in the real world of the Taliban or ANY world where women are the considered the PROPERTY of men.

MY real world is full of love and acceptance.

MY real world is a world that commits to ending violence to women and children.

MY real world is a world where adults can look in the mirror and see where they can become better parents, leaders, husbands, wives etc.

It is NOT a world where adults say, “I refuse to change my old ways.”

So…

 
What world do YOU live in?

Love and light,

Indrani

Children Who Are Abused Go On To Abuse

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Here is our continuing blog series of excerpts of Indrani’s TEDxPortofSpain Talk.  The public release of her entire TEDx Talk should be available soon.  Until then, here is the third excerpt from Indrani’s TEDx Talk:

“Jails are full of people who were abused as children.

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Our personal pain and inherited cultural ignorance must never be passed onto our beautiful and vulnerable children. Children need to feel cherished.

…… Boys who receive abuse go on to abuse their wives and their children. They think violence is love.

Girls who receive abuse go on to expect and accept abuse and to abuse their children, they think abuse is love.

They grow up to parrot another one of the Living Lies…when they are struck with force and fury, they are told …

This hurts me more than it hurts you…, This Is A Lie!”

CALL TO ACTION

We need your support! We invite you to click on the social media buttons that appear when you hover over the image above and share this post with your friends, family, and community.  Then ask them to share this blog.  Remember, there is someone out there that you may know who needs to see this TEDx Talk because they are suffering.  Thank you for considering this call to action.

With deepest gratitude,

Team ILF

 

Ordinary Household Items Becoming Instruments of Torture

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In the last blog, we promised you an excerpt of Indrani’s TEDxPortofSpain Talk every day until the public release of her entire talk in the coming weeks.

Here is the second excerpt from Indrani’s TEDxPortofSpain Talk:

TOOLS OF TORTURE.

“I had the great fortune to speak to a group of young people here on the Island …all top students from the best schools.

I asked them they were experiencing violence at home. EVERY one raised their hand.

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I then asked what weapons were being used…

Here is a short list

  • LARGE SPOONS
  • SHOES
  • BELTS
  • HANGERS
  • SHOVELS

ORDINARY HOUSEHOLD ITEMS BECOMING INSTRUMENTS OF TORTURE.”

CALL TO ACTION

We invite you to click on the social media buttons that appear when you hover over the images above and share this post with your friends, family, and community. Then ask them to share this blog.  Remember, there is someone out there that you may know who needs to see this TEDx Talk because they are suffering.  Thank you for considering this call to action.

With deepest gratitude,

Team ILF

2 Million Missing Women Every Year & One Small Step You Can Take to Help!

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Indrani is back from TEDxPortofSpain.  She is over-the-moon excited about how her talk landed with the audience, and for herself.  She spoke her truth ….. she also spoke for millions of women on our globe who can’t speak for themselves.

The ILF Team will be posting excerpts of Indrani’s TEDx Talk on social media, leading up to the public release of her talk from TEDxPortofSpain sometime next week.  We feel strongly about sharing her TEDx Talk to as many people on the planet as possible, but we need support!  We need YOUR support.  If you want to be an activist to end violence against women, but you do not have the bandwidth to be a trainer right now, you can take one minute a day to share our social media posts and tweets, comment on them, and spread the message.  This work is so important to us that we will not be shy about asking for support.  Just as you should not be shy, or ashamed to ask for support when you need it.

Here is the first excerpt of Indrani’s TEDx Talk:

“The United Nations recently listed the greatest Public Health threat gripping our world.

Once it was mosquitos, once it was HIV/AIDS, once it was Ebola. Now it is violence to women and children and it has reached plague proportions. If we knew the extent of abuse taking pace at this very moment within a ONE mile radius of this building, we would scarcely be able to carry our own weight, we would be on our knew. Let alone the TSUNAMI of abuse happening across the world at this very moment.

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It costs the US, Canada and Australia, over 18 Billion dollars each year because of Intimate Partner Violence.

Would you believe 107 MILLION females are missing from the planet today and every year 2 million more go missing?

Yes, this is the world we are living in.”

CALL TO ACTION

We invite you to click on the social media buttons that appear when you hover over the images above and share this post with your friends, family, and community.  Then ask them to share this blog.  Remember, there is someone out there that you may know who needs to see this TEDx Talk because they are suffering.  Thank you for considering this call to action.

 

With deepest gratitude,

 

Team ILF